First Shots

Today, Evelynn got two shots at the pediatrician's office. It was probably as traumatic for me as it was for her. It's hard watching her get hurt, harder when Zack and I are the ones making the decision for her to get hurt.

And yet, we do it because we think it's best for her.

It occurred to me on the way home today that she won't remember that pain, but I will. The whole thing is very bright in my memory, not that I like to think about it. And then I wondered how much pain God had brought to me for my good that I can't even remember now. How many of my tears has He captured forever that I've long forgotten?

It puts things in a different perspective. She didn't do something to deserve that pain. It wasn't a punishment. It wasn't discipline. It was for her to have a happy healthy life.

Having made that decision for her, it makes me wonder how much God has hurt for me when I'm in pain that I never appreciated before. Somehow, I always assumed that knowing something is good for someone takes the pain out of it. Somehow, I thought because He knows it's best that He didn't hurt for me.

I'm not looking forward to the next bout of shots; I wonder how much the Father wasn't "looking forward" to the cross. We know about Jesus' side of it, about His prayer in the garden. I don't think we usually think of the Father's side. After today, I think He was weeping right along with His Son.

Navy Shoes

I've been looking for good navy dress shoes for a long time. I found these online - not perfect, but I like them.

Shoes

I wonder why navy shoes have such a tendency to be suede. . . . Do people LIKE suede??? Oh well.

Smiles

She smiled at me tonight.

Evelynn has smiled before. Real smiles, too. But this was the first time she smiled AT ME. And it wasn't a passing smile either. It was a long smile. She was falling asleep in my arms and I touched her cheek and she smiled at me. Really big and beautiful, she gave that toothless grin that makes her look so contented. I wish to the highest heavens that I could have taken a picture of that smile to show everyone. I suppose I'll have to be satisfied with my mental picture.

Then she closed her eyes and the smile went away. When I got over my momentary giggling bout, and ceased kissing her soft, pudgy cheek, I said, "Mama loves you." And she smiled at me again.

Motherhood

I'm a mom.

It's kind of a simple thing to say. It probably carries a lot of differing ideas for people depending on what kind of mom they had. I feel like I've suddenly aged or matured or something. It happened all at once. It wasn't a gradual increasing. It was a massive leap, and I'm not sure exactly when it happened. I wasn't a mom; now I am. That part has a definite time; but when did it happen internally? I'm not sure. I feel like someone very different.

And at the same time, I feel . . . too young. I wonder how in the world I'm mature enough to be living in an apartment 2,000 miles away from my parents. I wonder how I can possibly be old enough to have been married for nearly two years. I wonder when exactly it happened that I ceased being a teenager.

I'm a mom??? Yeah. I'm a mom.

And an overprotective one. I've never wanted to hold other people's babies. It's not that I dislike holding them, but I've never seen someone else's baby and wanted to hold it. Usually I accept when they offer because I would feel rude saying, "No, I don't want to hold your baby." That's just not what people do. Sometimes, I accept because I want an unhindered view and holding a baby is the best way to see them.

However, I find that I don't want anyone else to hold my baby. I don't like it when aunts and uncles hold her for more than a few minutes. I don't like handing her off to church people at all. I'm okay with Grandparents having her for a bit longer, but that has its time limits as well. When there are people around, I'm good with me or Zack and that's about it.

I don't really feel like that's a bad thing, although I suppose at some point I'm going to have to be able to leave her with other people. . . . Maybe by that time I'll be less clingy. Haha. I've heard of kids having separation anxiety, but I wonder if it's common in mothers, too. I certainly get it.

It's so weird. I have a labor story. I have a birthing story. I could give people nursing advice or at least inform them of things that were problematic for me.

We're not just a couple anymore; we're a family. It's a funny thing - I can hardly wait for the next one. No, I don't want to be pregnant again. No, I don't want to go through labor again. No, I don't really want to have another birthing story. But I do want our next addition. 'Cause I'm a mom now.

In the Dark

Schedules are pretty important. I like having a schedule, even if it's a loose one that can get tossed in the air. I like having a plan. 

But sometimes, plans just fall all to pieces. I had plans for how childbirth was going to go. I had expectations (which, looking back, was really dumb, since this was my first time) about how things were going to go and I had plans for how I wanted to deal with it.

Well, nothing went according to plan. Sunday, October the 28th was the longest, hardest, most exhausting day of my life. It was, to be perfectly honest, a horrible day. I ceased to be able to think, I quit trying to care about things like not getting an epidural - all I wanted was to sleep, and I'd have settled for getting knocked out or dying. But it didn't matter. I was pain-free, completely numbed from the waist down, worn out to the point of crying over everything and nothing, and I still could not sleep.

It was not a happy day; but it was a good day. It was the most trying day of my life, and I failed a lot that day. I fell to pieces so many times. I reached the point of wanting to die. I couldn't think of how to pray for anything, so I laid there praying, "Help me. Oh, Father God, please help me."

My little girl came that day. God did help me. Zack was amazing. It was good; it was over; things were getting better; we were back on schedule.

And then they came in and told us that Evelynn's bilirubin count was too high and she needed phototherapy. And it all happened again. My plans, my schedule, my ideas for how things were going to go - it was all gone, and I was standing next to her bassinet for the next three hours trying to console my baby.

There's been no schedule since then. There's been no plan, and I hate it. And I know I shouldn't, because there is a plan - I just don't know it. There's always been a plan, a plan far better than mine.

We don't like being in the dark. When Evelynn had to stay in those lights, she had to wear these goggles to protect her eyes. It was the goggles more than anything else that she hated. She hated the dark. But it was best for her, and she was better off when she trusted Mom's and Dad's voices and was still.

I'm in the dark. I don't know what I'm doing; I don't know where we're headed and there are too many scary things that I can imagine. I don't have a schedule and I don't know how to get one back. And every time I try to plan, it falls apart on me. I have lost everything that I was going to do for her. The real kicker is that SHE doesn't seem to be any worse off for it. It just makes me feel like I'm failing.

So I'm going to try to do what I wanted my little girl to do that day; I'm going to try to rest in God's words; I'm going to try to lie still in the dark for as long as He says I need it; I'm going to try to trust His hand as it firmly pulls my goggles back in place.

And I'll probably be freaking out later today and need God to hold my hand and whisper, "Shhhh, it's okay, little girl. I'm right here."

Heal Our Land

I read a blog today that gave me some new information on Mitt Romney. Apparently, he's been quoted in the news as saying that he will not pursue anti-abortion legislation. Let me repeat that, He will not pursue ANY ANTI-ABORTION LEGISLATION.

I know a lot of people who are basing their vote solely on the abortion issue. (Just to be clear, I have no problem with that and if I thought Romney could/would actually do something, I'd probably vote for him.) When your candidate comes out and says something like that, what now are you basing your vote on?? He said he's not going to do anything about it; he's not even pretending. Politicians lie all the time; he didn't have to say that. He said it BEFORE being elected; that man does NOT care about the abortion issue. He will not pursue it.

I've heard so much talk about praying for revival and for the healing of our land and for people to turn to God. And then the same people talk about how awful things are going to get and how if we don't do more that Christians are going to be persecuted and killed and churches will be outlawed. Has it not occurred to anyone that the second is the answer from God to the first??

Churches blossom under persecution; the Church grows and is strengthened! The fakers and pew-warmers flee and the Church erupts in new life! Why? Because suddenly we MUST lean on Him for everything! The crutch of the government is taken away; the idols of comfort and financial security are stripped from us. In that instance, we have to look to God for our peace, for our security, for our comfort, for our joy. Suddenly, prayer doesn't have to be preached on because everyone is constantly praying. Suddenly, things like pants on women are not important - but staying faithful and being bold witnesses are. Suddenly, the peripheral things again find their proper place and we have to keep our eyes on Jesus.

For so long we've been looking at our country and asking God to renew it; doesn't anyone think that maybe that's EXACTLY what He's doing? Our churches are in sorry shape. And we know this! And we pray that God would give us revival. Maybe He's doing just that. Maybe He's answering all our prayers. Have you thought about that? Maybe God is giving us what we asked for through OBAMA?

No political maneuvering, no human figure is going to save our country; it doesn't have that power. Only GOD has the power to save or destroy a nation. And what does God use to turn a nation around? He uses His Word, spread through His people. We pray that God will turn our nation toward Him. Well, guess what. We might have to pay physically for that to happen. We might need to lose friends and family to jail and execution. I may need to die for that revival; harder still, I may have to watch my husband die for that revival.

In the face of that, do we still trust that God is doing what is best for us? Or is our faith so weak that the thought of physically paying a price for the privilege of being God's child too frightening for us? Where is the attitude of Peter and the other disciples who REJOICED that they were counted worthy to suffer for Christ's name? Where is that? 'Cause it seems to be strangely lacking in every conversation about how bad our nation is going to get and how difficult things are going to be for Christians before too long.

We pray for God to heal our land; are we then going to be upset because He might not do it the way we want? Are we going to prescribe the ways that He is "allowed" to turn our nation? Are we going to say, "We only want Your face to shine upon us in THIS way?" The pride is so rampant. Do we think we know better than God?

In conclusion, I'm not saying don't vote for Romney; I'm just saying if your only reason is abortion, he's not going to do anything for it anyway. That might be worth re-evaluating. But more importantly, don't think that the persecution that may or may not be coming is so dead-set a bad thing. God only does what is good for us. If it comes, it's GOOD! God has not given us the spirit of FEAR, but of POWER, and of love, and of a sound mind. We have no need to be anxious. We do our best; we follow God with all our heart and soul and strength and mind; and God takes care of everything else. And if that means Obama for another four years, if that means the imploding of the U.S., then THAT is GOOD.

We are the CHILDREN of the ALMIGHTY. We are the beloved of the Creator! Don't we trust His love?

Teleportation

So I've been mulling over an idea. Not for very long, but I think it has a lot of potential. The world should stop spending money on developing weapons, on war, and on everything space-related for a while. Instead, we take all that money and use it to make personal teleportation devices.

Or! Even something like a Star Trek Transporter. You give the guy running a location, they send you there! Voila! Yes, the airline and automobile companies would hate it. But hey, do we really LIKE those companies? Sure, they serve a purpose, but I wouldn't be sad to see them get replaced. Especially by a teleportation device.

We could have huge devices that transport lots of people and little ones for personal use. They could replace things like the subway and bus routes with previously programmed locations. Imagine all the time saved, the lack of traffic and air pollution, the elimination of needing so much parking space. Instead of a parking garage, you could have a teleportation garage - this floor has transporters that take you to such-and-such region.

Yes, we would also need to have some kind of shield to keep things out - can't have people apparating into the middle of Congress or something.First, let's get the teleporter worked out though.

But seriously. It's an awesome idea, right? There would be people, of course, who would refuse to use them. The rest of us though? I could go to Michigan for an afternoon for a baby shower with my friends and family and be back home in CaliLand that evening to make dinner for my Sweetie! You could take music lessons from someone halfway around the world.

"What are you doing tomorrow?"
"Well, I have my piano lesson in Moscow at eleven, and then I'm meeting some friends for lunch at the Eiffel Tower."

Need to evacuate a town due to flooding or a tornado? No problem! And no worries about people getting stuck on the way out if it's a huge city.

Like I said, I think it has potential.

Faith

Faith is just believing what God says He will do.

Faith is NOT believing that God will give me what I want. God did not promise me stuff. God did not tell me He would give me everything I want. In fact, by virtue of the fact that I am sinful and have a deceitful, desperately wicked heart, it stands to reason that God has promised to WITHHOLD things that I want. Because what I want sometimes is not good for me, and God always gives His children what is best.

Faith is not believing that life will be easy, that things will go smoothly, that God will come to the rescue in the nick of time. Faith is looking at the worst thing you can possibly imagine coming straight toward you with you being able to see not the slightest chance of God changing things and saying, "Nevertheless, not what I will, but what Thou wilt." Faith is surrendering the idea that I know better.

I went to the Dr.'s office last Friday. They wanted to do a test for Strep B; I was freaking out about it for over a week because I like my privacy. I like it lots. I feel violated and dirty when people invade my privacy like that. It doesn't matter if they have the best motives in the world (which, by the way, keeping my little girl safe is a pretty amazing motivation for something). It doesn't matter why; it doesn't matter who. It makes my whole mental/emotional being recoil in an intense feeling of revulsion - stronger than anything I have ever felt.

But I went into that office and I sat down and I disrobed my lower half and I waited for it. The day before I spent the afternoon and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed that God would save me from it. And I always knew that He was able. I didn't have any idea one way or the other if He would; all I knew at the end of all that praying was that He didn't want me to worry about it anymore. He gave me peace. That is not to say that He gave me a promise that there wouldn't be a storm tomorrow; but that day, He gave me peace. So I did my best not to think about it and not to worry, and He helped me.

I went into the Dr.'s office and God saved me from that horrible experience. God did not have to save me. But He did. The next day, I drove Zack's car to church for the first time. I was very scared, very tense and very afraid. And I prayed the whole way that God would save me. And He did, even though I still had to drive the car.

One, He protected me from completely; He took me right out of that situation. The other, He brought me through safely to the other side. Both times He saved me.

I don't know what's going to happen with our apartment. I don't know where we're going to live or how we're going to afford it; I really think in a year, I may be sitting in the same place as I am now writing again. That is not a lack of faith. Faith doesn't predict what God is going to do, unless God has already SAID it. God never told me we would have a different place next year, that we wouldn't be losing money every month, that we would ever NOT be very poor. He never promised that we would get ahead.

What God told me is that all things work together for my good. What God told me is that He is perfect. What God told me is that He loves me more than I can ever fathom. What God told me is that He is worth far more than everything. And I believe that.

If I am here next year, it is not because God failed me or because I did not have enough faith. It's because it was best and because He is good. And as much as I want to move and have wanted to move for about a year now - if this is best, I want it more than I want to move. I don't know what's coming; only God knows. Only God knows if we would be able to afford a different place in six months. Only God knows if Zack is going to have a job. Only God knows if there are going to be complications with the birth that lead to stacking Dr.'s bills that would make us long to be back here. Only God knows.

If we are here, I believe - without any doubt though I do not understand and may never see a reason this side of Heaven - I believe completely that it is best and God is good.

Heaven is a Wonderful Place

So church on Sunday was pretty awesome. My husband preached - which is a very interesting thing. I used to wonder what it was like to be the wife of the preacher and sitting there in church listening to him. But that's digression.

Church was pretty awesome because God gave me this little epiphany type of thing about the Trinity. The topic of the Trinity has been coming up with some regularity for a while now. At home, at church, at the Tuesday night Bible study. And there's been this disconnect with me about this one aspect. I don't really know if I could adequately explain it, but Sunday, Zack said it in a way that I finally understood. "Jesus has always been the revelation of the Father."

To say that Jesus is the revelation of the Father to me makes it sound like the Bible. But the Bible wasn't always there. It was revelation. It came AFTER something. But Jesus has always been the revelation of the Father. That's Who He is.

I know I don't understand that as much as I want to, but it was pretty awesome. And then Zack was talking about Heaven, and having just had this new bit of understanding opened for me, I suddenly got really excited about Forever. Because Forever is going to be one little bit of understanding after another, after another; and it's never going to stop!

Heaven is going to be forever seeing a new bit of an infinite God. It's like a never-ending Christmas. Think of all the nice things about Christmas. The songs - there will tons of singing in Heaven. The people - being with family and friends; in Heaven we'll have ALL the family that's gone on before along with billions of new siblings that we never knew before! The gifts - God has already lavished so much on us. Even if, IF, He didn't do anything new for us (which I find pretty much impossible to believe), since we'll be perfect then, we'll be able to appreciate everything He's done in the past with so much more clarity.

And you know how things are better when you have someone else to get excited about it with you? We're going to be surrounded with people who are just as thrilled and excited about God and who are going to be rejoicing with us perfectly! There won't be anyone around that you won't be able to start talking to about what God has done for you and what He taught you recently.

I was also thinking about how God made us all with different strengths and different forms of creativity. I think we tend to think of Heaven as being very limited in scope. We tend to think only of the more pious things here on Earth as being "worthy" of Heaven, so to speak. We'll sing praises and listen at His feet like Mary. I don't think that's all we'll do. I think we'll have places to go and be creative; I think I'll still write poems in Heaven. And King David will write more psalms. And Zack will play his violin. And my mother-in-law will have a garden. And someone will be training the dog and pony show.

Because part of absorbing good is having an outlet for it. We're not just sponges. We absorb and then we turn around and spin it out again in a way that means something specific to us. I think our creativity may be one of the things that most proves that we are made in the image of God. Whether we're painters or musicians or dancers or baseball players, we all have something that we are good at or that we REALLY enjoy. Can you imagine the football games we could have in Heaven? =D

And the greatest thing about it all that is it will ALL be GOOD - because it will ALL be for God. It will be what it's supposed to be here. It will all be from hearts overflowing with joy and praise and love and worship. And no matter what we do, whether we eat or drink or sleep, whether we sit or stand, whether we are silent or shouting with all the power in our body, it will finally ALL be to the glory of God!

IT'S SO EXCITING!!!!!!

Ants

Last night I walked into my bathroom to discover that it was pretty well infested with ants. They were in my sink and my tub, on the floor, on the walls, on the ceiling. There was a nice line of them (the ants go marching one by one!) that led to this really hard-to-reach corner in my bathroom, which has always looked terrible with peeling paint and the wood trim around the edges coming loose.

I was about to leave for work, so I couldn't really take the time then to do much except spray down the corner where they seemed to be most congregated with window cleaner (which kills them quite quickly), and hope that they didn't recover and make it into the little hallway before I got home again.

Eventually - after squishing and spraying probably around a 100 little ants - I think I've beaten them again. Tonight will tell; they're always busier after dark.

But while I was battling the remnants of them this morning, something occurred to me. These ants, these little bugs that get on everything have never hurt me. I don't know if they could hurt me. Some ants can - fire ants and army ants and such. But these ones? They're just super annoying and gross.

And then I was thinking about how we might compare the difference between us and ants to the difference between God and us, and how one day, the world will rise up in open, willful, conscious defiance against God. They won't just be ignoring Him; they'll be on the offensive.

There was this kind of humorous thought that came to me while I was thinking about that - the ants really bother me. They gross me out, and if I happen to get one on me, it immediately has my full attention as I try to get it off as quickly as possible. But people aren't even the harmless ants. Their "offensive" isn't even going to have the power to ANNOY God. They can't get into His proverbial bathroom without Him allowing it. They can't MOVE without Him giving them strength and health. They can't LIVE without HIM. And they're going to go on the offensive??

Reminds me of that quote from Batman: the Dark Knight - "You think that your client, one of the wealthiest, most powerful men in the world, is secretly a vigilante who spends his nights beating criminals to a pulp with his bare hands; and your plan, is to BLACKMAIL this person?"

Really?? That's your plan?? You can't LIVE without God and yet somehow you find it a good idea to try to remove Him from the equation? Even from a purely selfish standpoint, that is the dumbest thing ever. Either way, it leaves you DEAD!

Sometimes it's just so funny how pitiful we are. It's like when I was super little and I would wrestle with my dad. My parents would laugh and smile and it was funny! Because I couldn't MOVE him at ALL. I remember exactly what it felt like - it was like running into a slightly cushioned boulder, like pushing on a mountain.

So that was my funny thought today. It can also be sad and sobering and a lot of other things; but today it hit me as funny.

Yesterday

Yesterday, I was sad. I was heartbroken; I was in mourning.

Why? Because we heard that our bank account was going to be spent on our car. That doesn't sound good, does it? It sounds like loving money; it sounds like loving stuff.

It wasn't. It wasn't the money; it was what the money represented. It represented going home for Christmas, being able to donate more than change to RMD4Em. They were good plans, but they were my plans, and God was showing me something - I was making plans without saying, "if God wills." They were MY plans. They were nice plans; they were good plans; but they didn't take God into account. There was no addendum of, "If God allows us, this is what we shall do."

It was hard to think of missing Christmas with my family. It's a funny thing; yesterday, in my head, I was comparing myself to Abraham. I was thinking, God is testing me. God is asking me to put His will first, to say, "I know You know best. If You say I cannot go home for Christmas, then somehow, despite my understanding, I know that it is better for me not to go." Now, I know I wasn't being asked to sacrifice my child; but giving up Christmas with my mama, getting to introduce my dad to my little girl, spending the holidays with my siblings, getting to play in the snow? Those things are very dear to me. VERY dear.

And somehow, even though I made the same connection of God testing me, God asking if He is most important, I didn't think that He was going to tell ME, "Stop; put not forth your hand." I was not expecting to "get off easy."

I cried a lot yesterday. I couldn't sing; I could hardly talk most of the day; I was exhausted, but I couldn't rest. There was a hymn that came to mind early yesterday, and it just kept coming back to me. "All the Way my Savior Leads Me." All the verses were so fitting.

"All the way my Savior leads me; what have I to ask beside? Can I doubt His tender mercy, Who through life has been my guide?" Such fitting questions! Did one day erase all that God had done for me?

"All the way my Savior leads me, cheers each winding path I tread, gives me grace for every trial, feeds me with the living bread. Though my weary steps may falter, and my soul athirst may be, gushing from the Rock before me, lo! a spring of joy I see." Jesus led me all the way. I was not alone; I was not without help, without grace. He hadn't left me to bear my burden without any hope, without any comfort.

"All the way my Savior leads me. O the fullness of His love! Perfect rest to me is promised, in my Father's house above." What was one year, compared to eternity with Him? One Christmas cannot compare with that!

He led us there; He led us out again.

This morning, we got a phone call. Our spark plug had been fused to whatever is under it. This morning, they got it separated. Between eight hundred and a thousand dollars LESS than what they'd told us yesterday. Today, God said, "Put not forth your hand." Today God spared my proverbial Isaac. Today, God turned my mourning into joy and laughter. Jesus led me all the way.

Oh, that men would praise the Lord for His goodness and His wonderful works to the children of men!

Nevertheless

I've been struggling with something lately. It waxes and wanes in difficulty. Tonight was very hard, but God is faithful and will not suffer us to be tempted above that we are able, but will, with the temptation also make a way of escape that we may be able to bear it.

I would love it if this one fear never came to be; and while I will keep praying for that, I know very well that God's will is better than mine. Though I cannot tell what His plan is yet, I know it's best. And, with His help, I come round again to saying, "Nevertheless, not my will but Thine be done."

My heart it cries; the tears run down
My face is filled with pain
Not outward things, but inward griefs
On me are heavy lain
 
To You I lift my voice and cry,
To You I turn for strength
To You, my God, the faithful One
Whose mercies have no length

For all of You cannot be measured
You are eternity
And so to You I bring my prayers
Look down on me and see

O Lord of hosts, Thou strong Deliverer
Be Thou my portion now
My hour is coming fast - draws near!
My terror will not bow

To me it gives not any heed
I cannot conquer it
Too many times it throws me down
And how much I wish to quit!

Too great for me is this my care!
Too much for me to hold
I know I do not have the strength
Underneath, I shrink and fold

Yet You are strong! Your arm is long!
And Your promises I own
That You'll be with me the entire way
I will never be alone.

You tell me here to cast my cares,
To lay them all on You.
I do not know if I can throw,
But help me this to do:

To put them down, to leave behind
To let them go for good.
To trust Your love; to love You more
To know when I can't, You could

And though I pray You'd save me now
And give me full relief
Yet more I pray and ask of You
"Lord, help mine unbelief!"

Make me trust You in Your grace
Make me love Your will
Make me able to truly say
"In this, I follow still."

For not my will but Thine be done!
It is my greatest prayer
And if Thy will be pain and grief
Then help me them to bear

And on You, and in Your arms
At last to rest secure
For You alone are good and kind
You are the only cure.

And here I find as I have before
There is peace with You.
You answer again; You leave me not
What You've said, you always do.

Not Romney, Not Obama - then Who?

Every time I hear something from Romney or about Romney, I get more and more sure that I cannot vote for the man. Others feel differently - I get that. You want someone who can win. You want someone with a chance. And you would take Sauron over Obama. (I've been rereading LotR.)

I really do get it. However. . . Is Romney the ONLY person with a CHANCE?

Believe it or not, I'm not actually talking about Ron Paul or anyone in particular. I'm talking about someone that maybe you and I haven't heard of - but others have!

I'm not sure how I got there, but I found the Libertarian candidate - Gary Johnson. I haven't done much research on the guy (yet), but I was wondering how many people I know have done any looking outside of the two main candidates At All. I'm pretty sure most of my conservative friends and family are in the same boat as me about two things - we don't want Obama; we don't want Romney. Maybe we wanted Santorum or Paul or even Bachmann before, but we didn't want Romney and we didn't want Obama.

The only difference is that some of them are willing to go with someone we don't want over someone we REALLY don't want; and I'm not. (Mostly because I REALLY don't want either of them. . . .)

But what if we're all overlooking something? What if we really don't need to choose between two evils in order to win? What if there IS someone out there who DOES have a chance of winning that we just don't know about because we're too lazy to look and see (and because the media isn't going to give them the time of day)? What if we can have a GOOD candidate AND a winning candidate?

My point is this - I don't need the best. If I'm convinced that the best can't beat the bad, but the good CAN? I'd say, "Let's all vote for the Good!" If Ron Paul IS the best (I'm not saying he is; just IF), but Gary Johnson has a better chance of winning and is good enough, I'll vote Libertarian.

I'm going to vote. I want to vote. I cannot vote for the two main candidates; my conscience would seriously smite me. But I'm not terribly politically savvy, and I really have no idea how to know who amongst the few good people we have has the best chance of winning. So if you have any ideas or insights, do share. And please, please - don't just throw in the towel and join the Romney camp because you like him better than Obama. We have two months yet. Please, let's make sure we're not missing something.

Legitimate Rape

I don't have cable. I have a couple of News headlines that I see on occasion, but overall, I really don't pay a terrible amount of attention to what the media is saying. So when things happen, it usually takes me a little while to catch up on what exactly is going on.

There's a big controversy in the works because some congressman answered a question about abortion and his opinion on whether or not it should be legal if a woman conceived from being raped. Here's the actual statement:  "First of all, from what I understand from doctors, that's really rare. If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."

My first experience with the story was actually hearing/reading a bunch of negative comments about it and how he was so stupid to think that and how offensive and horrible saying the phrase "legitimate rape" is. It took me a while to realize that that's ALL the guy said. And then I sat there thinking, Seriously?

I don't like jumping to conclusions and I've found that it saves me a lot of trouble and embarrassment if I don't assume that I know what people mean. So when I read that one statement, I seriously have no idea what he means by "legitimate rape." I would personally lean toward thinking that he means that it's actual (no, that's not the dictionary definition of the word, but it is one of the way it gets used A LOT; authentic IS one of the definitions) rape as opposed to someone saying they got raped when they didn't.

His apology seems to give some credence to that take because once everyone threw up their arms in horror, he apologized for his poor choice of wording. Seems to me that he didn't mean legitimate in that it's lawful, accepted, or proper; seems to me that he meant legitimate, as in, authentic. This is English; there's a plethora of meanings for many words.

So, first, there was all of this offense taken, which I really didn't get.

Second, there was the bashing of his mental capacity which ticked me off just a bit. Let me be very clear before getting into this: I am NOT saying that it's impossible for women to get pregnant from rape. I understand that it happens. However, if you look at what he said, Congressman Akin wasn't saying that it's impossible either. He said, FROM HOW HE UNDERSTOOD IT (very important phrase), it's rare.

I don't claim to be very well-educated. I do alright in some areas, but I'm not a science or a math person. I'm NOT a biology person. Thus, I decided to do some research on the topic, but from a slightly different angle. I decided to look up what you do in the case of infertility. If you look up tips on how to get pregnant, there are a couple of interesting things that pop up quite often that directly impact this idea. The following were found from multiple sources on the topic of how to be more fertile.

One, be relaxed and keep things romantic; stressing out has a negative impact on both ovulation and conception. Two, the woman having an orgasm helps pull the sperm along thus giving a better chance of fertilization. Three, I read a very interesting article last night about how a woman's uterus needs to get used to her mate's specific sperm in order to provide a healthy environment for a baby. (This is why one-night stands that produce a child have a much higher chance of ending in a miscarriage.) This one doesn't apply to all rape, obviously, but it does apply to quite a few instances.

So rape victims actually do have less chance of getting pregnant? Honestly, it completely depends on which doctors/researchers you decide to trust. You can find arguments and articles - educated, researched, documented ones - on both sides. But it certainly isn't as DUMB an idea as a whole lot of people made it sound. The vast majority of fertility websites agree with Congressman Akin; no one is calling them whacked. When medical journals, doctors, and researchers are all saying it, I find it unreasonable to call the guy a quack because he took them at their word. After all, if you DON'T believe it, you're taking some OTHER doctor at his/her word.

In closing, there's that phrase that I put in all caps above. America is about as ungracious a country as I can imagine, and this, right here, is proof of that. When someone says, "how I understand it" - it's just kind of uncalled for to start slamming them for being ignorant, no matter what you think of how they understand something. Using that phrase, he was being upfront with the fact that HE DIDN'T KNOW. He wasn't making outlandish claims; he wasn't dogmatically making a statement of fact. He said, "From how I understand it." And he even referred to who he understood it from - doctors - obviously giving them the authority on the subject, not claiming to have any authority himself.

What bothers me most about the whole thing though, is that no one seems at all interested in his apology, as if he's sinned an unforgivable sin. It's a common joke that politicians and lawyers aren't really people, but seriously? Is that how we're going to treat them? Like they're sub-human or something? The man misspoke. He then apologized and took back his statement. What exactly do you want? It's one thing for the media to not move on - they get their money from that stuff. It's quite another for everyday people to have that same attitude. We don't get anything from hanging onto feelings of prejudice or superiority. Imagine if we responded that way to EVERYONE who misspoke.

Misunderstandings happen - quite frequently. If we cannot learn how to communicate through them without taking and giving offense, we will never be able to work together in any venue. The moment we dismiss someone as being an idiot is the moment we become unable to effectively communicate with them.

Quick Tip

Just a quick word of advice: If something looks frumpy on a model, don't bother.

Also, 6pm.com has some pretty cute things that are on sale right now. Maybe I should quit WoW and save up to buy some clothes and shoes. . . . It's tempting. Quite tempting, actually.

Marriage is Awesome

I think I wrote a post about this back when I got married. It hasn't really changed. We've had ups and downs already, but that part, that hasn't changed. Part of it is because, when I wanted to get married for all those years (like. . . my whole life), it was because I wanted companionship. And that hasn't changed. I have my friend, my best friend. We experience life together.

I'm six months pregnant and I get nervous about how having a baby is going to change our life. It won't just be him and me experiencing life together. We'll have a little one. But there's something that I try to remind myself of - it will still be him and me. No one else will have OUR relationship. I have siblings and I have people as close as siblings - but there will never be anyone else like Zack. There won't be another person that I am close to in that way.

The other thing I try to remember is that so far, I only like/love him more since getting pregnant. Part is because fatherhood suits him. I knew it would. It was really the only reason that I wanted to actually HAVE a baby myself. Because I wanted him to be a dad in the fullest and completest meaning of the word. I wasn't too thrilled about all the bodily changes and the pain and so on and so forth. Part is because it's new. And all the wonderful things about him come out in new ways given a new venue.

Marriage is awesome. But marriage is awesome because I love my husband and my husband loves me. May God keep that from ever changing.

The Rising

I just finished my book. I named it The Rising. And I typed the last words a few minutes ago. It's a crazy feeling. 

I started it three and a half years ago - December of '08 or January of '09. I remember that because I started it after I got out of college. I came home, read this book that my brother had, and started writing. I still have those beginning hand-written pages. They're vastly different from it's current form, but some things remained as they were. 

It needs editing, I know. I'll have to read it through a few times, and I'm going to need help from people. But right now, I'm on a bit of a high. I wrote a book! I wrote a book. . . . It doesn't seem real. I've written stories - lots of stories. Star Wars stories, sci-fi stories, LotR rip-offs, knights and dragons - I've tried a lot of stuff. I even started getting good at finishing stories. But stories are not books. 

I wrote a book. It's not a NaNo Novel. It's big enough to be a REAL novel.

My family was a big help. Every one of them contributed, even if they didn't know it. Kate was the biggest help though. She didn't let me forget about it; she didn't let it get stale. She kept asking about it, kept wanting me to write more, kept wanting me to send it to her whenever I had a new word written.

I wrote a book. I don't feel like I should be able to say that.

Lesser of Two Evils

This is a hard topic. And let me say right off the bat that, while I will probably make some very dogmatic statements, I don't mean at all that I cannot be wrong on this or that I'm accusing anyone of sinning or something. This is just the conclusion that I have come to.

There seems to be one reason for voting for a candidate that you know is bad - he's not as bad as the other guy. It's not that he's good, that he has some redeeming quality. It's that he's just not as bad as the other one. I voted for McCain because of this reasoning. I regret that vote.

And thinking about that, if I had the choice of Ahab or Jeroboam, how could I vote for either one? Why do we see a difference in our situation? We have Obama - a liar, a proponent of baby-murder, and someone who's destroying our nation from the inside. Then we have Romney - at the very least a liar and someone who doesn't seem to have any solid stance whatsoever on things like abortion, gay marriage, etc. etc. For evidence of that, click Here. He's for a woman's right to choose AND working to overturn Roe vs. Wade??? Can you possibly trust that guy?

When using the phrase "lesser of two evils" most people probably don't think that the choices are actually evil. However, I think they are. Mormon or Islamic, neither of them believes in the God of the Bible and neither of them are going to follow Him. Both of them have stated that they are pro-choice (whether they "changed their mind" later or not). How can we vote for evil?

I don't know what Ron Paul's religious views are. I do know that he is very steadfastly pro-life. I absolutely do NOT know that about Romney.

I've also heard the argument that "if we split the vote, the other side will win for sure." This one makes me even more riled. Because I hear it from Christians. Guess what? I'm not worried one itty, bitty, tiny speck about what the other side wants. That does not and should not come into the equation. Are we voting to win? Or are we voting to do what's right?

I'm voting because I believe that I should. God has put me in a country where it is my privilege to express an opinion on who I believe is most in line with His morals. That's why I vote. And WHO I vote for should be based on the same thing. Is this who GOD wants me to vote for? Not, "Is this who the party wants me to vote for?" Or, "is this who the other side doesn't want me to vote for?" Not, "Does he/she have a chance of winning?" Is this who GOD wants me to vote for?

When I stand before Jesus and recall all my deeds in life, am I going to look back and say I voted for someone because I thought he had the best chance of winning? Is my reason going to be so that the other side wouldn't win? Am I voting for someone because I'm afraid of what Obama might do in another four years? Is fear of man my motivator? Will I stand before God and say, "But the other guy was worse"? Is that going to be my excuse for not thinking FIRST about what God wants?

Politics get so separated from Christianity. We're supposed to be Christians FIRST. So when we talk about candidates and what their qualifications are, maybe we should start talking about how they line up Biblically before anything else comes up.

I Just Want A Phone

I'm a weird person when it comes to technology. I like special effects on movies, but I can't stand a lot of computer generated stuff - like Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. I like crazy camera stuff like the circle around Trinity when she's about to kick that guy in the face and the jumping/glitching thing that they do on Burn Notice, and noticing the different amounts of color they allow (Payback is almost entirely on a gray scale). I like HDTV, but I can't stand enormous screens. I don't want to feel like I'm in a theatre; I want to be in my pajamas in my house with a bowl of ice cream.

I like quality sound, not surround sound. I don't like feeling like I'm in the middle of the movie - I like WATCHING the movie. I don't want it to feel more realistic - that's why I'm watching a MOVIE. I don't want to be there; I just want to relax and enjoy seeing/hearing it.

This goes for phones, too. Bigger is not better. I like pushing buttons. (As do the vast majority of small children, I might add. There's just something fun about pushing buttons. It's why I learned to type.) Touch screens are disgusting and seem to be impossible to keep clean - like the sliding glass door in a house full of toddlers. Also, you have to lock your phone to keep from pocket calling people. I don't like to have to unlock my phone, and I don't like to have to push a button before I can say, "Hello?" I like the old way. You pick up the phone and the other person is there.

I like the old stuff. Flip phones; SNES video game graphics; old, normal-size TVs. And I am spectacularly happy that my husband is good with going with what I like for most shared stuff. He can have his 22-inch computer monitor and I'll keep my 15-inch laptop. Once we have a house, we'll probably plug the subwoofer back in as a compromise - I can deal with some WOOF if I don't have to hear it from every corner of the house.

I like simplicity. I like less cords and less mess. I like a phone that doesn't need to have security measures on it to prevent me from accidentally calling people. I like when things that are obviously NOT going to look realistic (like video game graphics) don't bother trying so hard. In the end, I don't want an iphone or a droid and I definitely don't want a touch screen. And it's kind of annoying when it's so hard to find something simple because everyone else is so enamored with having MORE.

I Know You By Name

There are quite a few verses in the Bible that refer to God knowing us or calling us by name. The most common explanation of what exactly that means for us is that God knows us intimately. We're not some person that He passes everyday on the street - He knows us. He knows our name and our position; He knows our personality, who we are.

Having recently found out that we are having a girl, we also now know her name. And it gave me a slightly different perspective on that phrase. I loved my baby when it was only "my baby" - before she was "my girl." I wanted the best for my baby. I considered and decided (hopefully even through the pain of labor) not to have an epidural because that would put my comfort before what I believe is the best for my child.

There were things that, when I looked ahead to the future, I had to brace myself against. Things that I would endure for the sake of the child, but ONLY endure because I had to, because there wasn't another way. Visits to the Dr., childbirth, nursing, the hormonal upset of the "Baby blues," myriads of dirty diapers, spit-up and not being able to stay clean through a single day - I was determined to trudge along through it by will-power and grit because there was no other option.

It's a different thing now. I know who it is that I'm doing this for. It's not just "the baby." It's not just even "my baby." It's my girl, and I know her name. It's not a chore now. It's an adventure, an act of love. Childbirth is going to be painful and hard and exhausting and I'm probably going to have a hard time remembering this feeling, but if I can, it'll be better and easier because it's not just something to get through.

All those things that I was dreading - they were because of "the baby." It wasn't a blame thing; it was a fact. If I hadn't been pregnant, I wouldn't need to go through any of that. It was because of the baby. It's not BECAUSE of her now; it's FOR her.

Christ died because of us; but that's not how God writes it. God says, Christ died FOR us. He knows our names.

And it was ridiculously hard to write this without sharing what her name is! Haha. I wonder if God has that feeling about the new names we're going to get in Heaven. I wonder if He feels anticipation at wanting to tell them to us. Hm. God feeling excited about something - not an idea I've pondered much. Another time perhaps. :)

Oh Politics. . . .

You know those verses in Proverbs that say one after the other "Answer a fool according to his folly" and then "Answer not a fool according to his folly?" I seem to run into many situations online where I'm left wondering, Is this the time to answer or to just let it go?

Internet trolls are one thing and the advice, "Don't feed the troll" is, in my opinion, usually sound. It makes sense. Like when your older brothers tease you in order to make you mad - if you don't get mad, they either step it up (and hopefully get scolded) or they give up and you win. =)

But then there are those people who aren't just trying to be foolish, or trying to get to you - they're actually fools who say really dumb things. And since it's the internet and you're seeing this on your friend's friend's status, it's hard to tell if they're actually being a fool, or being a troll.

Today, I happened to look at Congressman Amash's voting report, which he has faithfully given us since taking office. If for no other reason than that he hasn't given up on that part of things, I admire the guy. But that's beside the point. He voted "yes" on a bill that was supposed to cut some military spending, something about developing more nukes, it sounded like. And someone made a comment, "So leave us defenseless korea and china and iran would love that."

Is that guy serious?? When you have enough firepower to blow up half the world, do you really need enough to blow up the ENTIRE world in order to feel secure? Honestly???? It's not like Star Wars where you can blow up a planet, and yeah, it's sad, but it really doesn't impact a whole lot. If ONE major nation were wiped out, that would have an ENORMOUS impact on how our world runs. Think about it. When Greece was having (is having? Been a while since I've heard about them. . . ) all that financial trouble, there was talk that it could take down the entire European economy. Greece. How often do we in America hear about Greece, think about Greece, care about what's going on in Greece? But we would certainly care if Greece went down and that took France and Spain and Britain and Germany with it.

Also, what good will it do us to spend all our money on producing weapons if then China calls up our debt and, oh oops! Now we can't pay the guys who know how to shoot the weapons and drop the bombs. Yeah. . . . It's like people think the "military" is a robot - not a bunch of people who need to, you know, eat and sleep and pay the electric bill otherwise their alarm won't go off and, oh boy, now there's no one to shoot down that incoming missile. It's as if all the movies about the machines taking over have made people actually believe that's how it goes. From Terminator to Iron Man 2, we don't have to risk human lives because the machines can do it - that's not how things actually work. Somewhere, there's a Person pulling a trigger or pushing a button - and that person is what's keeping us safe. Not the threat of us making more nukes.
 

Anyway. . . .I was thinking about responding, but I couldn't decide if he was the fool you talk to or the fool you ignore - so I figured I'd leave it be. Chances are someone else will respond anyway. With politics, they almost always do.

My Girl

We're having a girl! =D I was pretty sure, but it's so cool to know. Poem-inspiring stuff. :) It may very well expand over the next few days. It's kind of coming in pieces.

There's a little one growing right now as I write

A little one stirring around

Ten fingers and toes; she's a beautiful sight

But from her you'll not hear a sound

She's not ready to come, not ready to play

She's barely started to grow

Less than a pound, we heard just today

But someday she'll gnaw on her toe

My little girl, little babe, little precious one

What an amazing gift you are

I love you already, my cute little bun,

Little Biscuit, my twinkling star

I saw your face, your eyes, your cute little nose

Saw your bones and maybe a sneeze

We got lots of pictures of you in your pose

You're cuter than the bee's knees!

We've not quite met, but I know just the same

That you are a gift from my Lord

No matter how you turn out or shift the blame

You cannot sever this cord.

Because you are my girl, you belong to me.

You'll always be mine in a way

Though you may marry and move over the sea

You'll always have a place here to stay.

But while you are ours, and we love you so much

In God's hands you rest

I cannot keep you, protect you or such

To trust Him is your test

So each day I'll bow my head and pray

I'll ask the Lord for you

To quicken your heart so that you can say

You love Him deep and true.

Church Trumps Nation

I hear a lot about how the nation is going down the drain and how it's falling apart and all this stuff. . . . And I believe it. I know that the US, on a whole, is degenerate, that we need godly men to step up and lead; that we're raising generations of couch-potatoes and mental midgets, that we need God's mercy if we're to continue.

But I think when we focus on that, our priorities are way off.

It's not that the nation is not worthy of our prayers, or that we shouldn't be seeking it's good - I believe we should. Just that it should not ever be coming FIRST in our hearts and minds. The US is not God's chosen people - the Church is. And the Church, on a whole, seems to be floundering to a terrible degree in certain areas.

I grew up in conservative Christendom. We sang hymns and wore long skirts or dresses to church. We didn't have an orchestra or especially a set of drums. And you know? That's all fine. My heart is not more prone to worship because I now go to a church that has drums and where there are multiple people up front with microphones, singing harmonies. The music is not sweeter; the form does not make it better (or worse).

My heart is heavy because I've been on both sides and I see where they can both learn from the other. Conservatives need to learn to stick to the Bible and stop making rules that aren't there; they need to learn when tradition is ONLY tradition and when it's actually based on the Bible. They need to understand that as so many worship songs seem repetitive and fluffy, there are quite a lot of hymns that are fluffy, too, and not all repetition is bad. (Psalm 136, anyone??) It's not old hymns or modern worship songs that are well-done or poorly written - it's just individual songs.

Liberals need to learn that there is SO much that they are tossing away under the guise of liberty. They need to learn that dressing up for church doesn't make you "holier than thou," that it's simply a national norm to dress up for something that important to you, to want to look nice when you're meeting someone you care about. Why isn't church worth getting up fifteen minutes earlier to ensure that you make it on time? Why isn't church important enough to you to wear nice clothes and make sure you get a good night's sleep on Saturday? They need to understand that weighty lyrics are not a burden, but a blessing. That getting to go to Church and hear two good messages in the same day is an extreme privilege, not tedious or an annoyance.

There is SO MUCH that each side has. Why, oh why, are we focusing on this silly, fading, temporary nation when the CHURCH, the Bride of Christ, is so divided and is MISSING so much? When one side is growing stagnant and the other side is giving up their heritage, like Esau selling his birthright?

If conservatives will not loose their grip on tradition in favor of the Bible, liberals will never give them an ear. If liberals don't learn to look beyond the attitude of license to the purpose behind it, conservatives will never believe they CAN hear.

Being Careful

I saw something on Facebook this morning that turned my stomach. It's not something new; I've seen things like it many, many times. Yet, it still makes me angry and upset and sad.

It's when Christians are given a platform, given a podium, given a place of authority, and they go and say something really dumb. My first reaction is usually just, "Ugh. . . ." I shake my head and want to crawl into a closet where Christians don't say and do stupid things and hurt the name of Christ and the message of the Gospel with flippant words.

As much as I want to curl up and hide though, I also want to rush out shouting, "We're not ALL like that! We don't ALL think that way! Don't think that he/she is the representative for all of Christendom!"

Then, I usually get angry and start ranting against whoever did or said the thing. And that's where the biggest problem lies, because that's fueled usually first and foremost by pride. I certainly would never have said something so dumb, something so easy to take out of context, something so easily misunderstood, something that - even if you didn't mean it that way - SOUNDED so awful. I'M smarter than that. I know better. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

In all that thinking, I'm setting myself up for the same kind of fall, the same oversight. In thinking that I will never do something like that, I'm ensuring that I will not be careful of it (I've no reason to be!), and therefore, I will almost undoubtedly do it.

After all that there's the question of do I get involved in this? If you're going to, how do you go about it? You certainly can't argue that he/she did nothing wrong; they messed up - usually they admit that they messed up and have apologized for it by the time I hear about it. So what then? The world isn't going to forgive it; the world is going to hold it up and every time, it's going to return to bite you in the face over and over and over. You are going to be the guy/gal that "said such and such stupid thing" - at least for a while.

It's different (or should be) with family. By family, I'm referring to Christians. Family, they know where you're coming from. They usually know you well enough to know what you MEAN, even if you say it wrong. They don't require you to be ridiculously precise with your words. They're gracious, understanding. They know we all make mistakes; we all say things that come out the wrong way; we all say things that we haven't thought through or that we don't really mean. There's more grace, more breathing room.

Strangers (the world) KNOWS a lot of that, too, but they don't really care. They don't like us, and they're looking for those slip-ups, waiting for them. They like them in everybody; but they like them PARTICULARLY in people who hold themselves to a higher standard. They pounce on every opportunity with those people to say, AHA! Gotcha this time! I caught you breaking your rules! The Psalmist talks about those people - the ones who say, "Aha! Aha!" The prophets also talk about those people and how God will judge them for being pleased when His people stumble, and I believe that if God will judge the people who said, "Aha!" about Israel and Judah falling, that He will judge the people who do the same when Christians stumble.

What's the point of all this? Well, for one, we need to be careful. It could be you and me next time. Two, the bigger the platform we have, the more seriously we need to take it. The more people we influence, the bigger the issue is going to be if/when we mess up. Three, we can't be those people who laugh at the mistakes and mock those who made them. We all make mistakes. If the person doesn't see it, kindly point it out. If they apologize, forgive them. Isn't that what you would want if it were you? It's what I want. If you hear a Christian swear, don't be happy that they slipped. And don't mock them either. Four, be cautious lest you jump to conclusions about what people mean, even if it is what they said. Oftentimes when things like this happen, people are talking to their family, their close-knit group who understand them; and so they talk more freely, less carefully. Yes, we should all be careful; but we shouldn't be so judgmental that we cannot look past words to see the meaning behind them.

Train first; Send second

"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it." - Proverbs 22:6

"Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners." - I Corinthians 15:33

When I was at college, I got into a debate once with one of my fellow students about sending kids (specifically very young children) to public school. I was arguing that it's not good for them; he was saying it's a tool for evangelism.

"Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him." - Proverbs 22:15

Children need to be trained first; they need to be taught and schooled and educated before they can teach someone else. They need to have foolishness driven out of them. How many kids are even saved before they go to kindergarten or first grade?

Train them from a child in the right way, and when they are OLD then they can be trusted to remain in it. But only if they're trained as a child. If they only get half the training, they're only going to stay half in the way (if that much). If you quit training your kids when they become teenagers, they're not going to stay in the way. You might have to change HOW you go about it, but teenagers are not old. They still need training, teaching, direction.

If you send your kids out into the world when they are too young to discern between the unclean and the clean, they are going to spend a lot of time around evil living. And it's GOING to rub off on them.

I'm not a social person. I'm a homebody; I like staying at home; I'm not good at making friends; I don't generally talk much. I didn't have a lot of trouble with that one for a long time. Then I got the internet while I was a stupid teenager. And after some time, I got comfortable. And evil communications corrupted good manners. To this day, my brain automatically hears innuendo in innocent things that I otherwise wouldn't have given a second thought. (Part of why I love my Zack - most of the time, he misses it completely and I don't have to think about it any further. There's no comment, no smirk, no look. It's not acknowledged. And that is SOOOOO refreshing. Even amongst Christians, there's usually SOMETHING. Not with him.)

Evil living rubs off on everyone. And thanks to internet and television, we have it brought into our houses. I used to watch a TV show. It was funny and quirky and the characters habitually said, "oh my god" usually many times in an episode. I started to catch myself thinking it. And then, one day, it came out. I don't know how, because I'd been thinking "oh my goodness," but it did. I stopped watching the show; it hasn't happened since. That happened to me as an adult; how much more is evil going to have an impact on young minds? Kids, who have a tendency to absorb EVERYTHING. Kids who learn to read by hearing their parents teaching their older sibling to read.

Can kids evangelize? Sure. All Christians are told to spread the gospel. But that doesn't mean you put them in a public school. That's like saying I should send my teenager into a slum because they need to evangelize. You can spread the gospel wherever you are; you don't need to make your kids spend six-eight hours a day in the world for them to talk to someone about their Lord Jesus.

Why?

Why do we make so many silly rules? Why do Christian colleges require that the guys have to shave? Why is it immodest if guys wear pants that are falling off but girls HAVE to wear pants that are that too large otherwise they're considered "tight?" Why is it that something that fits and shows that women have curves like God created is considered inappropriate? (Have you watched Little House on the Prairie? The dresses that Caroline Ingles wore are form-fitted - just like all dresses back then were. They were made to fit YOU. Now-a-days, many Christian colleges would say that's tight and immodest.)

Why is okay for a guy to go shirtless but not okay for girls to wear really short shorts? Why is women showing skin worse than men showing skin? Why is it bad for little kids to say "damn" but it doesn't bother us when adults do? Why is it okay for little girls to be more immodest than grown women? Why is it okay for slender girls to wear skimpier bathing suits (or tighter clothes) than heavier girls? Why is having fat rolls that can be noticed under clothing more immodest than having a slender body shape that can be noticed under clothing?

Why are pants immodest but straight skirts aren't? Why is wearing a knee-length skirt considered more modest than wearing full-length pants? Why do colleges require that girls have to wear skirts and nylons in extreme weather (either hot or cold)? Why is loose clothing more modest than fitted clothing? Why is it that people knowing what your normal shape is a bad thing? Why is it okay for guys to wear tight shirts but not women?

Some of these I've thought about over the years; some I came up with thinking back on things that I've seen and heard. I've picked them up from a variety of places - from family, friends, people I met at different churches, and colleges. Honestly, most of them I don't see any Biblical reasoning behind. If skin is immodest, it's immodest on men and women. If tight clothes are immodest, they're immodest on men and women. If skin is immodest, pants would be more modest than even a long skirt that has a slit. How do nylons make you more modest at ALL??? Skin tight and sheer - oh yeah, I get it now. (Sarcasm . . . . )

Double standards bother me as do rules for the sake of rules - especially when they are applied to people who are old enough to be thinking for themselves, like college-age students. I understand where some of it comes from; but some of it is just silly and has no Biblical basis at all. I think we need to be more careful where we get our rules and why we make them, especially if we have a tendency to look down on those who follow different rules.

Some Ponderings

I got saved when I was four. I don't remember a radical change in my life. I don't remember the time of day. I have no idea where I was. I don't remember which house we were living in, who was with me, what kind of prayer I said, etc. There's a lot about it that I have no idea. In fact, there is pretty much only ONE thing that I really remember - there was this feeling of relief and joy afterward. I think maybe I asked my mom to call Grandma, but I'm not sure. For a while, I wondered - if I don't remember, was that really when I got saved? Shouldn't I be able to remember something that huge?

Looking back, it seems kind of silly. But people always ask for your testimony, for the account of how and why you got saved. If you don't remember, how can you know? How can they know?

It's such a funny thought now. How many of us remember being born? Does that mean it didn't happen, or that it should be doubted? Does the fact that I don't remember mean that my parents don't KNOW that I was born, that I'm theirs? And really, how much does a memory prove something? I "remembered" my husband coming to bed at 4:15 this morning. He actually came to bed around 1am. And my memory is something I'm going to base the proving of my salvation on?? That was just last night - I'm trying to remember almost twenty years ago with my salvation!

I highly doubt that most people who grow up in Christian homes have a conversion experience like Paul's. It's not a stark difference kind of deal - because we grow up not being allowed to act like what we are. Our parents curb us and direct us and wall things off (and wisely so), and so we learn to be that way. And then when we get saved and WANT to be that way, there's not a huge outward difference.

So how do you know? I think the parable of the sower has the only answer - time will tell. Some look like they are, they continue for a while - but they leave. They fade. They go away. In the end, they're not. And it doesn't matter how much their conversion experience sounded like yours. And it doesn't matter how many years they've gone to church and how much money they've given. All that matters is where their heart is.

There were certain loved ones that I used to worry about because they didn't ever seem to show the same kind of longing and thirst for God that I saw elsewhere. I used to worry because, how do I know? How do I know that my cousin, my friend, my brother, my parents are actually God's? There are indicators of course - self-evaluation of whether or not you love the Church and such - but I think the only real test is time. And that's why it just doesn't really matter if you remember when exactly God saved you and what the circumstances were. That's not the measurement. The measurement is whether it lasts.

Political

I saw a post on Facebook this morning that claimed that Santorum is going to drop out of the race - it used the word "suspend" when talking about his campaign, but the idea was that he was out of it (or would be very soon). I'm not sure what the difference would be at this point between a suspension and quitting, but whatever.

I feel bad for the guy because at least part of it had to do with his daughter getting sick.

And then there's the question, "Is this good or bad?" Personally, I want Ron Paul. And I've always been very AGAINST Romney. So I'm a little scared. If Santorum's votes go to Paul, great! Somehow, I think Santorum might end up ENDORSING Romney though - the thought of which plays with my mind in unhappy ways and basically makes me want to cry because we're going to go from bad liberal to bad conservative.

The foreign policy problems people have with Ron Paul have gotten to the point where I find it funny. Honestly, we're going to worry about FOREIGN anything when we're imploding? If we don't fix the economy, there isn't going to be anything over here that's worth spending a missile on. Oh sure, we have big weapons - not much good when you have no soldiers because you can't pay them and they had to go learn how to farm in order not to starve. :)

That might be extreme; it might not. Who knows? If the economy comes crashing down though, I think the least of our worries is going to be foreign policy. We're going to have no money; no money equals no food; no food equals - no people. I'm going to guess illegal immigration won't be much of a problem at that point either.

Of course, it's all in God's hands, so I shouldn't be afraid. It would just make me very sad if all the people I know who wanted Santorum are now going to stoop to vote for Romney.