Faith

Faith is just believing what God says He will do.

Faith is NOT believing that God will give me what I want. God did not promise me stuff. God did not tell me He would give me everything I want. In fact, by virtue of the fact that I am sinful and have a deceitful, desperately wicked heart, it stands to reason that God has promised to WITHHOLD things that I want. Because what I want sometimes is not good for me, and God always gives His children what is best.

Faith is not believing that life will be easy, that things will go smoothly, that God will come to the rescue in the nick of time. Faith is looking at the worst thing you can possibly imagine coming straight toward you with you being able to see not the slightest chance of God changing things and saying, "Nevertheless, not what I will, but what Thou wilt." Faith is surrendering the idea that I know better.

I went to the Dr.'s office last Friday. They wanted to do a test for Strep B; I was freaking out about it for over a week because I like my privacy. I like it lots. I feel violated and dirty when people invade my privacy like that. It doesn't matter if they have the best motives in the world (which, by the way, keeping my little girl safe is a pretty amazing motivation for something). It doesn't matter why; it doesn't matter who. It makes my whole mental/emotional being recoil in an intense feeling of revulsion - stronger than anything I have ever felt.

But I went into that office and I sat down and I disrobed my lower half and I waited for it. The day before I spent the afternoon and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed that God would save me from it. And I always knew that He was able. I didn't have any idea one way or the other if He would; all I knew at the end of all that praying was that He didn't want me to worry about it anymore. He gave me peace. That is not to say that He gave me a promise that there wouldn't be a storm tomorrow; but that day, He gave me peace. So I did my best not to think about it and not to worry, and He helped me.

I went into the Dr.'s office and God saved me from that horrible experience. God did not have to save me. But He did. The next day, I drove Zack's car to church for the first time. I was very scared, very tense and very afraid. And I prayed the whole way that God would save me. And He did, even though I still had to drive the car.

One, He protected me from completely; He took me right out of that situation. The other, He brought me through safely to the other side. Both times He saved me.

I don't know what's going to happen with our apartment. I don't know where we're going to live or how we're going to afford it; I really think in a year, I may be sitting in the same place as I am now writing again. That is not a lack of faith. Faith doesn't predict what God is going to do, unless God has already SAID it. God never told me we would have a different place next year, that we wouldn't be losing money every month, that we would ever NOT be very poor. He never promised that we would get ahead.

What God told me is that all things work together for my good. What God told me is that He is perfect. What God told me is that He loves me more than I can ever fathom. What God told me is that He is worth far more than everything. And I believe that.

If I am here next year, it is not because God failed me or because I did not have enough faith. It's because it was best and because He is good. And as much as I want to move and have wanted to move for about a year now - if this is best, I want it more than I want to move. I don't know what's coming; only God knows. Only God knows if we would be able to afford a different place in six months. Only God knows if Zack is going to have a job. Only God knows if there are going to be complications with the birth that lead to stacking Dr.'s bills that would make us long to be back here. Only God knows.

If we are here, I believe - without any doubt though I do not understand and may never see a reason this side of Heaven - I believe completely that it is best and God is good.