I have my Evelynn and my Joash now. I am quite contented.
After Evelynn was born, despite all the issues I was having - the lack of sleep, the inability to nurse her, my depression with the circumstances of her birth - I wanted another baby. Not right then, but I knew so quickly that I wanted a second baby. I wanted Joash. It didn't take more than a month and I knew that I wanted my little boy.
And now he's here! He's a much better sleeper than Evelynn. And despite the circumstances of his birth, I've had absolutely no qualms about what happened. I don't know why, but I was far more worried about having the version done than having a C-section. I'm still not the least bit remorseful that I didn't try the version or that it ended in a C-section. It was certainly different, certainly a harder recovery, but ... I just don't care that that's what happened. Overall, I have a peace about his birth that it took almost a year for me to receive after Evelynn's. I really was as ready as I thought I was. Thanking the Lord for that. It's much better this way.
I don't really have a great desire to go the natural, home-birth direction again. Not that we have to make that decision any time particularly soon. Haha. But I think I would be okay with a hospital birth if we have another go. At least, now I know that not all hospitals and not all hospital staffs are like the ones we had with Evelynn. And the more kids I have, the more I know what I'm getting into. I really did prefer the midwives prenatal care though, so we'll see. Like I said, we have time.
I can't imagine giving birth more than once more. I'm not a fan of newborns. I do love them. I'd die for them, but I don't enjoy them. There's pretty much nothing about this stage of life that I like, except, you know, that I have my baby. At the same time, it's hard to imagine not knowing my kids from their beginning.... But I've always wanted to adopt, too.
It's hard to figure out how to split my time. I imagine that's only going to get exponentially harder as our family grows. I feel like it's been really rough on Evelynn. We've been best friends her entire life, and now there's someone else who has to take priority a fair portion of the time. It's hard. I don't want to lose that best friends thing. It's hard to think about adding another little person to the mix. Makes me a little more sympathetic to my parents for the times that I felt forgotten. It's probably easier to forget the one that didn't have a prior connection. I imagine it would be easier to brush Joash off, just because he and I have never been best friends yet. I'll have to watch out for that.
Well, it's past my bed time. I'm the only one who blogs any more. I don't know if anyone reads it still, but here I am, writing away. Gotta write somewhere. ;)
Monday, December 1, 2014
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Baby
I actually feel ready. It's really weird. It's not like a, "I want this baby to be here so badly!" ready. More like, I just feel.... prepared. I feel like there's not really anything left to do. The house is as ready as it's going to get. I'm as ready as I'm going to get. I feel like I've come to terms with what's ahead and I'm ready.
It's weirding me out. I don't ever feel ready. I haven't felt ready for something of any import since I was in like 8th grade. I didn't feel ready when I stopped studying; I just figured it was time to stop studying. Haha. I didn't feel ready when I quite practicing playing the piano for church; it just wasn't going to get any better. So.... yeah, it's weird.
I have started getting excited though, which is probably a relief to my husband and mother. I just don't get excited for things that are far away. There's too much in between now and then to get excited about it. Haha. But I'm getting a little bit excited. It helps that it's actually Fall and the weather today has made it feel SO much closer. It actually rained for like four hours this morning. It was awesome. Waking up at 6am with the sound of rain coming from the window and actually being snuggled under the blankets - yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. It MIGHT rain tomorrow. I'm hopeful.
I've felt generally good this pregnancy. More aches and pains, but way less tiredness once I got through the beginning. The first trimester was harder, but the second and third have been easier, I think. I don't feel like I've actually gotten bigger for a bit now, so that's kind of nice. For a week or so, I felt so tight, I was sure that the stretch marks were going to blossom any day.
So now we wait. :) Wait for time to keep flying by (it's gone SO FAST!). And then he'll be here, and time will keep going by, I just probably won't be able to notice it for a while. Haha. I'm really glad that Zack gets more time off this time around. I know it's going to help all of us a lot. :)
It's weirding me out. I don't ever feel ready. I haven't felt ready for something of any import since I was in like 8th grade. I didn't feel ready when I stopped studying; I just figured it was time to stop studying. Haha. I didn't feel ready when I quite practicing playing the piano for church; it just wasn't going to get any better. So.... yeah, it's weird.
I have started getting excited though, which is probably a relief to my husband and mother. I just don't get excited for things that are far away. There's too much in between now and then to get excited about it. Haha. But I'm getting a little bit excited. It helps that it's actually Fall and the weather today has made it feel SO much closer. It actually rained for like four hours this morning. It was awesome. Waking up at 6am with the sound of rain coming from the window and actually being snuggled under the blankets - yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. It MIGHT rain tomorrow. I'm hopeful.
I've felt generally good this pregnancy. More aches and pains, but way less tiredness once I got through the beginning. The first trimester was harder, but the second and third have been easier, I think. I don't feel like I've actually gotten bigger for a bit now, so that's kind of nice. For a week or so, I felt so tight, I was sure that the stretch marks were going to blossom any day.
So now we wait. :) Wait for time to keep flying by (it's gone SO FAST!). And then he'll be here, and time will keep going by, I just probably won't be able to notice it for a while. Haha. I'm really glad that Zack gets more time off this time around. I know it's going to help all of us a lot. :)
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Never Angry
I'm not exactly sure where this is coming from, but there seems to be a large portion of Christianity that feels that Anger is a sin. (Like, black and white.... Adultery is a sin; anger is a sin.) I feel like it has to be connected to the idea that God is only love, and that the God of the OT is somehow different than the God of the NT.
For whatever reason, anger is viewed to be inescapably bad. All the time. Never discipline your children when you're angry. Never respond in anger. Never do anything when you're angry. Always, always, always let go of your anger before you do anything. Somehow, it is always bad for us to be angry. It is always shameful to experience anger. And it is especially wrong to express it.
........
That idea is so far removed from the picture we have of Who God is, I don't understand how Christians can believe that. When I express that concern - that we are trying to be something God is so not - their response is usually something along the lines of, "Yeah, but that's God; He's perfect." As if to say that because we can't be perfectly angry, therefore we should NEVER be angry.
I can't be perfectly righteous, either. Should I forget that whole idea? I can't be perfectly just or perfectly loving or perfectly anything. But we still try to bring out the good parts of those attributes and we fight against the wicked tendencies within us.
This comes up most (in my experience) when it comes down to how to raise your kids. Some of this I understand is straight-up fear of CPS (which I fight with a fair portion of the time). If someone hears that you spanked your kid while you were angry, they're automatically going to be thinking "beating" instead of discipline. That's the world we live in.
That doesn't justify doing things in a way that's not Biblical. There seems to be this idea that you cannot love someone/something and be angry with it at the same time. That's not true in the least. Getting angry at a friend who gets wasted every weekend isn't a lack of love; it's actually a sign of love. You want something better for them. You want them not to actively destroy themselves. That's not mean or bad or unkind. That's an outpouring of LOVE.
Getting angry with people isn't bad of itself. And most people can understand it on that level - but then you say "Getting angry with your kids isn't bad" and they get very nervous. When my parents got angry with me because I did stupid things, all it did was reinforce that they loved me. They were trying to protect me, and when you see something you care about endangered, the natural (proper) response is anger. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. If they had never gotten angry with me, all that would have meant was that I wasn't worth enough to them for them to get angry about it.
Someone at our Bible Study wondered aloud the other night why there seemed to be so many more suicides today. I honestly think it's because anger is so repressed today. The people who would use it right are afraid to use it at all, which leaves the people who are too selfish to avoid using it, who are naturally going to misuse it. Anger is a extraordinary tool that too many people are ignoring or actively avoiding instead of trying to use it well. My dad had the easiest way to change my life when I was little. It didn't work for my mom (sorry, Mom), but all my dad had to do for me to NEVER, EVER do something again? Get angry with me. He didn't need to yell, threaten, discipline, spank - nothing. He just had to be upset with me and I was done. My world was wrong, and I couldn't stand it.
The things we want to protect are the things that, when threatened, will make us angry. We're supposed to get angry when someone hurts people we love. GOD gets angry when people hurt His kids. Why? Because He loves His kids! How angry He gets is directly related to how much He loves us. You cannot love something and never get angry when its mistreated. So when Joash is born, if Evelynn dares to hit him, she's going to feel some anger despite the fact that I love that little girl so fiercely.
Getting angry isn't wrong. Be angry and sin not (Eph. 4).
Getting angry because someone hurt my pride, because something didn't go my way, because of ME - that's when anger is just wrong. When my anger is about ME - because someone was an affront to ME, not to God, not to the people I love. When anger is selfish, then it's wrong. But anger is good. We can know that because God gets angry. Getting angry with your kids over sin isn't a bad thing; it shows them the seriousness of sin and it shows them how much God means to you. Getting angry because they're making your life harder, that's wrong.
For whatever reason, anger is viewed to be inescapably bad. All the time. Never discipline your children when you're angry. Never respond in anger. Never do anything when you're angry. Always, always, always let go of your anger before you do anything. Somehow, it is always bad for us to be angry. It is always shameful to experience anger. And it is especially wrong to express it.
........
That idea is so far removed from the picture we have of Who God is, I don't understand how Christians can believe that. When I express that concern - that we are trying to be something God is so not - their response is usually something along the lines of, "Yeah, but that's God; He's perfect." As if to say that because we can't be perfectly angry, therefore we should NEVER be angry.
I can't be perfectly righteous, either. Should I forget that whole idea? I can't be perfectly just or perfectly loving or perfectly anything. But we still try to bring out the good parts of those attributes and we fight against the wicked tendencies within us.
This comes up most (in my experience) when it comes down to how to raise your kids. Some of this I understand is straight-up fear of CPS (which I fight with a fair portion of the time). If someone hears that you spanked your kid while you were angry, they're automatically going to be thinking "beating" instead of discipline. That's the world we live in.
That doesn't justify doing things in a way that's not Biblical. There seems to be this idea that you cannot love someone/something and be angry with it at the same time. That's not true in the least. Getting angry at a friend who gets wasted every weekend isn't a lack of love; it's actually a sign of love. You want something better for them. You want them not to actively destroy themselves. That's not mean or bad or unkind. That's an outpouring of LOVE.
Getting angry with people isn't bad of itself. And most people can understand it on that level - but then you say "Getting angry with your kids isn't bad" and they get very nervous. When my parents got angry with me because I did stupid things, all it did was reinforce that they loved me. They were trying to protect me, and when you see something you care about endangered, the natural (proper) response is anger. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. If they had never gotten angry with me, all that would have meant was that I wasn't worth enough to them for them to get angry about it.
Someone at our Bible Study wondered aloud the other night why there seemed to be so many more suicides today. I honestly think it's because anger is so repressed today. The people who would use it right are afraid to use it at all, which leaves the people who are too selfish to avoid using it, who are naturally going to misuse it. Anger is a extraordinary tool that too many people are ignoring or actively avoiding instead of trying to use it well. My dad had the easiest way to change my life when I was little. It didn't work for my mom (sorry, Mom), but all my dad had to do for me to NEVER, EVER do something again? Get angry with me. He didn't need to yell, threaten, discipline, spank - nothing. He just had to be upset with me and I was done. My world was wrong, and I couldn't stand it.
The things we want to protect are the things that, when threatened, will make us angry. We're supposed to get angry when someone hurts people we love. GOD gets angry when people hurt His kids. Why? Because He loves His kids! How angry He gets is directly related to how much He loves us. You cannot love something and never get angry when its mistreated. So when Joash is born, if Evelynn dares to hit him, she's going to feel some anger despite the fact that I love that little girl so fiercely.
Getting angry isn't wrong. Be angry and sin not (Eph. 4).
Getting angry because someone hurt my pride, because something didn't go my way, because of ME - that's when anger is just wrong. When my anger is about ME - because someone was an affront to ME, not to God, not to the people I love. When anger is selfish, then it's wrong. But anger is good. We can know that because God gets angry. Getting angry with your kids over sin isn't a bad thing; it shows them the seriousness of sin and it shows them how much God means to you. Getting angry because they're making your life harder, that's wrong.
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Growing Up
"Let God make a man out of him before you try to make a husband out of him."
I saw a meme today on Facebook with that caption. I'm not even going to get into the idea of me making anything out of someone else. What bothers me is this (seemingly prevalent) idea of having to wait until someone else is "done" before we get involved with them. It's very disturbing when taken as a general rule.
For one thing - I'm still not done. Are you? I certainly didn't feel qualified to be a wife when I got married. And I didn't feel qualified to be a mother when I had a baby. I'm still growing. I'm still maturing. I didn't feel like a I was old enough to be "Mrs. Shrout." Some people are never going to become "spouse material" until they're in the situation where they have to be. They're just never going to grow that way until they suddenly are in that place. I was never going to be ready to be a mom. Not ever. I am a mom. Am I ready? Ehhhh..... Sorta? I don't feel ready to have TWO, but guess what?
I'm not arguing that we shouldn't be careful or we should go with the first opportunity, but that's where having a relationship with God is vitally important. God uses other people and new circumstances to grow us. If we never extend grace to people to see how God will use us or other circumstances in their life to grow them, we're not being very grateful for the grace that God has extended to us.
This is where it really comes in handy believing that God has a specific person picked out for you and it's not really your decision at all - except to say "Yes, Daddy" or be a Jonah and run for it. All my life, that's been my view of marriage. There was someone that God had for me (and me for him). I just had to wait and pray and see who it was. And I had to be ready and willing to deal with whatever faults he had - because he was going to have them. Maybe there would be gigantic sin issues. Or maybe there would just be things that he did that drove me crazy (like the people who bounce their legs incessantly). Or, most likely, some of both!
The point was, it was never up to me to change him, or even to wait for God to fix him up before I would think about being in a relationship. It was my job to follow wherever God led - and if this was the guy, that meant being the best wife I could be, even if he was a terrible husband. Even if he was wrong, if he took our family in the wrong direction, if he was a bad father, if, if, if, if, if. Who he was was entirely irrelevant if that's who God wanted me to marry. Because if God wanted me to marry him, then he was automatically the best. No one else could ever be better than him.
Every decision is like that. If God wants me to work at McDonald's, then McDonald's is the best job for me. If God wants me to move to CA, then CA is the best for me. The easiness/hardness of my life is not what determines if it's good for me. I know what's best by knowing where God is directing - not by what looks or feels best.
(Right now, it would feel best for Zack to get promoted TODAY, for him to be put back on days, for us to get a signing bonus that takes care of a down-payment for a nice 4-bedroom house in the area, and for us not to have to move more than twenty minutes from church. That's what feels best. But - unless he gets a call today - it's not.)
There's a lot of people who don't think that way. They think marriage is all up to their discretion within God's principles (which pretty much just means marrying a Christian). If who I had married had been up to my discretion, I'd have NEVER gotten married. It was the scariest, hardest decision I ever made in my life. And I wouldn't have made it if I hadn't been sure that it was the one God wanted me to make.
God didn't have to give me an awesome husband. My life could be so much harder. He still has faults, but he loves God and he loves our family. And he works ever so hard to be better. (And he doesn't bounce his legs. =D)
And that's what I think people should be looking for - the person God has for them. Not someone who fits all their criteria, or someone who has their life in order, or someone who is "a man." Just look for the person that God has for you because that's where you are going to be best off and that's where you are going to be able to do the most good. Give them grace for everything else. Give them a chance to grow. Give them room to fail and encouragement to get up and try again.
How do you know who is the right person? James tells us to ask for wisdom because God gives it liberally. Ask.
I saw a meme today on Facebook with that caption. I'm not even going to get into the idea of me making anything out of someone else. What bothers me is this (seemingly prevalent) idea of having to wait until someone else is "done" before we get involved with them. It's very disturbing when taken as a general rule.
For one thing - I'm still not done. Are you? I certainly didn't feel qualified to be a wife when I got married. And I didn't feel qualified to be a mother when I had a baby. I'm still growing. I'm still maturing. I didn't feel like a I was old enough to be "Mrs. Shrout." Some people are never going to become "spouse material" until they're in the situation where they have to be. They're just never going to grow that way until they suddenly are in that place. I was never going to be ready to be a mom. Not ever. I am a mom. Am I ready? Ehhhh..... Sorta? I don't feel ready to have TWO, but guess what?
I'm not arguing that we shouldn't be careful or we should go with the first opportunity, but that's where having a relationship with God is vitally important. God uses other people and new circumstances to grow us. If we never extend grace to people to see how God will use us or other circumstances in their life to grow them, we're not being very grateful for the grace that God has extended to us.
This is where it really comes in handy believing that God has a specific person picked out for you and it's not really your decision at all - except to say "Yes, Daddy" or be a Jonah and run for it. All my life, that's been my view of marriage. There was someone that God had for me (and me for him). I just had to wait and pray and see who it was. And I had to be ready and willing to deal with whatever faults he had - because he was going to have them. Maybe there would be gigantic sin issues. Or maybe there would just be things that he did that drove me crazy (like the people who bounce their legs incessantly). Or, most likely, some of both!
The point was, it was never up to me to change him, or even to wait for God to fix him up before I would think about being in a relationship. It was my job to follow wherever God led - and if this was the guy, that meant being the best wife I could be, even if he was a terrible husband. Even if he was wrong, if he took our family in the wrong direction, if he was a bad father, if, if, if, if, if. Who he was was entirely irrelevant if that's who God wanted me to marry. Because if God wanted me to marry him, then he was automatically the best. No one else could ever be better than him.
Every decision is like that. If God wants me to work at McDonald's, then McDonald's is the best job for me. If God wants me to move to CA, then CA is the best for me. The easiness/hardness of my life is not what determines if it's good for me. I know what's best by knowing where God is directing - not by what looks or feels best.
(Right now, it would feel best for Zack to get promoted TODAY, for him to be put back on days, for us to get a signing bonus that takes care of a down-payment for a nice 4-bedroom house in the area, and for us not to have to move more than twenty minutes from church. That's what feels best. But - unless he gets a call today - it's not.)
There's a lot of people who don't think that way. They think marriage is all up to their discretion within God's principles (which pretty much just means marrying a Christian). If who I had married had been up to my discretion, I'd have NEVER gotten married. It was the scariest, hardest decision I ever made in my life. And I wouldn't have made it if I hadn't been sure that it was the one God wanted me to make.
God didn't have to give me an awesome husband. My life could be so much harder. He still has faults, but he loves God and he loves our family. And he works ever so hard to be better. (And he doesn't bounce his legs. =D)
And that's what I think people should be looking for - the person God has for them. Not someone who fits all their criteria, or someone who has their life in order, or someone who is "a man." Just look for the person that God has for you because that's where you are going to be best off and that's where you are going to be able to do the most good. Give them grace for everything else. Give them a chance to grow. Give them room to fail and encouragement to get up and try again.
How do you know who is the right person? James tells us to ask for wisdom because God gives it liberally. Ask.
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Crying Babies
Having a baby changed a great deal for me about the way I saw children in general. Abortion became more than something I knew was wrong. It became something I cannot stand.
Other things have changed too, and one of them is what I can watch on TV.
I can't stand movies or shows with crying babies in them anymore. They always bothered me a little, but now I can't stand them. Because while everyone else is acting, the baby isn't. I don't know what goes on behind the scenes and I'm sure that their parents are somewhere nearby - at least, I sincerely hope so - but still. The baby is not acting.
And that's part of my entertainment??? Violence didn't bother me in movies because it's not real. Nudity does because it is.
And crying babies are really crying.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
What Is Perfection?
I tend to think about this a fair amount. Mostly because I think that people (me too) have a very flawed view of what Heaven is going to be like. I know that what I thought about Heaven has changed a LOT over the years. Heaven will be perfect, right? So what is perfection? More specifically, what is HUMAN perfection?
Is perfection never being told "no?"
Or is perfection being able to be told "no" without having a bad attitude about it?
Is perfection never falling down?
Or is perfection never getting hurt from falling down?
I feel like we have this sort of over-achieving sense of what perfection is, like we expect that when we are in Heaven we will have the same kind of perfection that God has. As if we'll suddenly know everything and be able to execute everything without flaw. As if, in Heaven, we'll all have perfect voices with absurd ranges so that when we sing, no one will sound "bad."
I don't think that's what human perfection is. I think human perfection is seen in Christ - Who prayed for the cup to pass from Him and then accepted the Father's decision. He asked for something that wasn't going to happen, that He KNEW wasn't going to happen. Asking wasn't wrong. He even asked THREE times. Asking multiple times wasn't wrong. What would have been wrong, is if He refused or even gone to the cross with something less than complete willingness and surrender to the Father's will.
If we are all perfect at everything we try, then the body of Christ is no longer a body in Heaven. We will not have different gifts - we could all be the eye and the ear and the nose! That's never the picture we get from anything - not even the Trinity. They have and always will have their positions, their "gifts" as it were. They are diverse and yet perfect in their diversity. Their diversity, in fact, is part of what creates perfect harmony. I think, even in our thinking about Heaven, we are trying to become gods. We want it all.
I'm pretty sure that there are going to be artists and musicians and mathematicians and engineers and (fill in your blank) in Heaven. And no one is going to feel improperly about their skill set - either proud of it or embarrassed of it. And THAT is going to be perfection. It's going to be accepting God's way without reserve - not only accepting, but taking great joy in whatever task He has for me. It'll be being able to be told, "No, you may not build my temple, but you may gather the supplies" - and instead of any kind of negative response, I jump up and down like my daughter and get all excited because I get to "Help a Daddy!"
Evelynn loves helping. She helped me make cheesecake last night. She wanted to help with every part of it, but she couldn't. But she was still super happy with helping me pour the milk and hold the mixer. Because she loves helping me, being with me, doing something WITH me. The important part is not what she's doing - it's doing it with me.
Is perfection never being told "no?"
Or is perfection being able to be told "no" without having a bad attitude about it?
Is perfection never falling down?
Or is perfection never getting hurt from falling down?
I feel like we have this sort of over-achieving sense of what perfection is, like we expect that when we are in Heaven we will have the same kind of perfection that God has. As if we'll suddenly know everything and be able to execute everything without flaw. As if, in Heaven, we'll all have perfect voices with absurd ranges so that when we sing, no one will sound "bad."
I don't think that's what human perfection is. I think human perfection is seen in Christ - Who prayed for the cup to pass from Him and then accepted the Father's decision. He asked for something that wasn't going to happen, that He KNEW wasn't going to happen. Asking wasn't wrong. He even asked THREE times. Asking multiple times wasn't wrong. What would have been wrong, is if He refused or even gone to the cross with something less than complete willingness and surrender to the Father's will.
If we are all perfect at everything we try, then the body of Christ is no longer a body in Heaven. We will not have different gifts - we could all be the eye and the ear and the nose! That's never the picture we get from anything - not even the Trinity. They have and always will have their positions, their "gifts" as it were. They are diverse and yet perfect in their diversity. Their diversity, in fact, is part of what creates perfect harmony. I think, even in our thinking about Heaven, we are trying to become gods. We want it all.
I'm pretty sure that there are going to be artists and musicians and mathematicians and engineers and (fill in your blank) in Heaven. And no one is going to feel improperly about their skill set - either proud of it or embarrassed of it. And THAT is going to be perfection. It's going to be accepting God's way without reserve - not only accepting, but taking great joy in whatever task He has for me. It'll be being able to be told, "No, you may not build my temple, but you may gather the supplies" - and instead of any kind of negative response, I jump up and down like my daughter and get all excited because I get to "Help a Daddy!"
Evelynn loves helping. She helped me make cheesecake last night. She wanted to help with every part of it, but she couldn't. But she was still super happy with helping me pour the milk and hold the mixer. Because she loves helping me, being with me, doing something WITH me. The important part is not what she's doing - it's doing it with me.
Friday, August 8, 2014
Trusting
I wrote a post on Facebook the other day about some of the things that I've been struggling with recently, along with a poem that was difficult to write and difficult to mean. Sometimes, I don't know how I meant it or if I'll be able to mean it next time something happens. I hope so. With God's help, I will. I know that in the end, He will always bring me back.
This poem preceded the other one. This one... was not the finished product of God's working. This was not the end of the struggle, but mostly how I felt through the last three months or so.
This is where I was BEFORE He gave me faith.
I feel so lost and helpless
I feel that I've been thrown
Into the waves; they crush me
I have no breath to groan
The waters pull me down again
The storm is getting worse
Every time I think I see
The land, I get reversed.
Oh, God, where is the refuge?
My strength is almost gone.
If You do not bring me through
For me, there'll be no dawn
My cries are lost in thunder
My arms are weighted down
I cannot see a shoreline
Without You, I will drown
Where is the comfort of Your arms?
Where are the words of peace?
I cannot feel You, but I know
For You, the waves will cease.
Oh, God, You are my Refuge
My Rock, my Hiding Place
And in Your time, You'll bring me through
And I will see Your face.
This poem preceded the other one. This one... was not the finished product of God's working. This was not the end of the struggle, but mostly how I felt through the last three months or so.
This is where I was BEFORE He gave me faith.
I feel so lost and helpless
I feel that I've been thrown
Into the waves; they crush me
I have no breath to groan
The waters pull me down again
The storm is getting worse
Every time I think I see
The land, I get reversed.
Oh, God, where is the refuge?
My strength is almost gone.
If You do not bring me through
For me, there'll be no dawn
My cries are lost in thunder
My arms are weighted down
I cannot see a shoreline
Without You, I will drown
Where is the comfort of Your arms?
Where are the words of peace?
I cannot feel You, but I know
For You, the waves will cease.
Oh, God, You are my Refuge
My Rock, my Hiding Place
And in Your time, You'll bring me through
And I will see Your face.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
You Cannot Stop Me
I'm an extremely pragmatic person. And I think this particular trait of mine has led to two particular developments. One of them has probably always been there, though I didn't recognize it. The other is more recent.
I'm pragmatic about the Bible/faith. Other people seem to have a hard time believing things that the Bible says. I don't understand that. I understand having trouble applying it; I understand struggling with surrendering areas of my life. I understand the sin side of things. I don't understand people who hear things from the Bible and say, "Yeah, I have a hard time with that." I don't understand people who mentally comprehend things, but they can't seem to commit to them because. . . . I don't even know why.
Don't get me wrong; I don't think there is something wrong with those people or that they aren't Christians or anything like that. I just can't relate to that response. I can't even really sympathize, let alone empathize.
The other thing is faithfulness or loyalty. I didn't realize how important loyalty was to me until I wrote my book. There are three main characters who are "the good guys." Each of them is extremely loyal. It doesn't matter what you do to them; it doesn't matter how you strain a relationship; nothing can stop it.
That's me. It's not an emotional thing. It's just the way things are. I have certain friends. There is absolutely nothing that they can do, short of killing me (or maybe my family), that would stop me from being their friend. Nothing. They can leave; they can not talk to me. But if they desire the friendship, it's there.
I don't have very many of those friends. It's something that I probably should work on being more active about. But there are certain people that I love; and they cannot stop me from loving them. Even if they never talk to me, they can't stop me from praying for them, from thinking about them, from wondering how they are, from checking up on them via the stalker-friendly wonders of social media.
In the last few days, I've gained a new one of these friends. We haven't talked much at all. Tonight was our first real conversation but I had already decided I was her friend on Thursday. A new thing has happened though - something new, and I find it exciting. It's spilling over into her family.
Friday, I saw her dad in the grocery store. Normally, I hate seeing people I know at the grocery store. I'm just trying to get my shopping done; I'm not there to talk. But I gave him a big, genuine smile and waved (we were on the opposite ends of long isles). That just doesn't happen.
I like making those friends. Even if they never know. Even if they leave. Just making them in the first place is awesome. Having no boundaries on how much you're going to pour into someone is a wonderful feeling. Requiring nothing in return, just dumping whatever kindness you have into them.
I love my friends. :)
I'm pragmatic about the Bible/faith. Other people seem to have a hard time believing things that the Bible says. I don't understand that. I understand having trouble applying it; I understand struggling with surrendering areas of my life. I understand the sin side of things. I don't understand people who hear things from the Bible and say, "Yeah, I have a hard time with that." I don't understand people who mentally comprehend things, but they can't seem to commit to them because. . . . I don't even know why.
Don't get me wrong; I don't think there is something wrong with those people or that they aren't Christians or anything like that. I just can't relate to that response. I can't even really sympathize, let alone empathize.
The other thing is faithfulness or loyalty. I didn't realize how important loyalty was to me until I wrote my book. There are three main characters who are "the good guys." Each of them is extremely loyal. It doesn't matter what you do to them; it doesn't matter how you strain a relationship; nothing can stop it.
That's me. It's not an emotional thing. It's just the way things are. I have certain friends. There is absolutely nothing that they can do, short of killing me (or maybe my family), that would stop me from being their friend. Nothing. They can leave; they can not talk to me. But if they desire the friendship, it's there.
I don't have very many of those friends. It's something that I probably should work on being more active about. But there are certain people that I love; and they cannot stop me from loving them. Even if they never talk to me, they can't stop me from praying for them, from thinking about them, from wondering how they are, from checking up on them via the stalker-friendly wonders of social media.
In the last few days, I've gained a new one of these friends. We haven't talked much at all. Tonight was our first real conversation but I had already decided I was her friend on Thursday. A new thing has happened though - something new, and I find it exciting. It's spilling over into her family.
Friday, I saw her dad in the grocery store. Normally, I hate seeing people I know at the grocery store. I'm just trying to get my shopping done; I'm not there to talk. But I gave him a big, genuine smile and waved (we were on the opposite ends of long isles). That just doesn't happen.
I like making those friends. Even if they never know. Even if they leave. Just making them in the first place is awesome. Having no boundaries on how much you're going to pour into someone is a wonderful feeling. Requiring nothing in return, just dumping whatever kindness you have into them.
I love my friends. :)
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Violence vs. Nudity and Swearing
It was just the way it was in my house. We were allowed to watch violence, but nudity and swearing were strictly monitored. Most of my life, I didn't think about why that might be.
Was it because nudity and swearing were easier sins to fall into? Was it because they were worse sins?
I remember watching the movie Gladiator and my mom making a comment wondering aloud if we were any different than the Romans for getting entertainment out of watching people kill each other.
And that's where I always had a problem and that's where MY distinction comes from. The violence I watch on TV isn't real. No one is actually being killed or hurt. No one in the movie The Patriot actually got their head or their leg blown off by a cannon. It's not real. Yes, those things happened in history- but what I'm seeing isn't real.
When there is nudity in a movie, it's real nudity. It isn't made up. That is actually someone's body. When there is swearing in a movie, it's the actual swear word, delivered in the form of real swearing.
This is why modern war movies, where the soldiers and dressed in uniforms that look like the ones I see on real people are too much for me. I can't watch those movies - because the violence is too real for me. I can't separate it enough. Other people don't have that problem. But it's not the amount of violence that bothers me. It's the level of reality.
Honestly, there's more actual violence in an airsoft game than in a movie. And that, for me, is why the swearing and nudity bother me, why I don't want to see that - and why the violence in most things does not.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Blessed
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/scott-dannemiller/christians-should-stop-saying_b_4868963.html
The above is a post that is going around Facebook. There is a lot of good stuff in it, but I take issue with his conclusion, and I'd like to lay it out with a little more detail than I feel is appropriate for a Facebook comment.
First, I want to state absolutely that I am in complete agreement with this writer about the horrendous thing that is called prosperity "gospel" which is really not good news at all. It is a lie, and Americans in particular need to get away from this idea. Stuff is not an indicator of the levels of our faith.
Second, if his point is that we need to focus on spiritual things instead of on material things, again, I completely agree. Focus on what God has done in changing you spiritually, not in what you have or don't have materially. Absolutely. Colossians 3:1-2
Unfortunately, that's not what I read. What I read is "material stuff is not a blessing; it's a trial." After just quoting the Lord Jesus when He said, (paraphrasing, here) "Blessed are you when men hate you" this writer claims that trials are suddenly not blessings.
Honestly, this writer seems very confused about what a blessing is. And part of the reason for that is that he's using as his definition a passage where Jesus is not defining anything. Jesus does not say, "You are ONLY blessed when...." He says that these groups of people are blessed. He doesn't say they are the only ones who are blessed, or that these listed blessings are the ONLY blessings. He is NOT defining blessing here. He is laying out principles.
So let's use the rest of what the Holy Spirit wrote, instead of just one passage, and see if we can broaden our understanding. I call your attention to the book of James. 1:17 - Every good gift comes from the Father. And then 4:13-17. What is the point of these? That God is in control of everything we do or don't receive.
Let's bring Romans 8:28 into this too though, because it's extremely important. Everything that happens or doesn't happen to a Christian is for their good.
And now we are armed for the climax. What is a blessing? A blessing is a good thing that happens to me; therefore, it is a gift from God. Everything that happens to a Christian is a good thing because it ultimately brings us closer to Him. Therefore, whether I get the job, or don't get the job, I am blessed. Whether I get the car or don't get the car, I am blessed. And I don't mean generally, and I don't mean just spiritually. I don't mean that I, as a person, am blessed in Christ (though I am). I mean not getting the job IS a blessing, and getting the car IS a blessing.
Let me flesh this out for you. My husband lost his job when we'd been married for about 6 weeks. It was a blessing. It was for our good both materially and spiritually. It was one of the biggest blessings we've had. It completely changed our outlook for the start of our new life.
Recently, we were able to purchase a second car. That was also a blessing from God. Without my husband getting a new job, without the health to work hard (which is a gift every day from the LORD), without so many things that God has done for us, we would not have been able to afford that car. And I would be missing most church services these days, because my husband has to go straight from work. If I didn't have a car of my own, I would not be able to get to church most weeks.
We have been blessed. Materially. With things being taken away and with things being granted. The great danger of not seeing material things as God's gifts, is that suddenly, you have no one to praise for them, except yourself.
The writer ends by saying that he's grateful. Grateful to who? For what? If he hasn't been given anything, then he has nothing to be grateful for. Think about this: How many unfaithed people (by that, I mean people who either don't practice their "faith" or don't believe in a deity) who will say they are blessed? They might be grateful, but ultimately, they're grateful to their boss for the raise, or their spouse for their hard work, or circumstances. They aren't grateful to God.
Saying, "I am blessed" automatically indicates, by the simple grammar of the word, that there is a Blesser. And generally, everyone knows that ultimately, you're talking about a deity.
The other danger of this is Gnosticism. If you follow this train of thinking far enough, you will come to the conclusion that material things are not only not good, they are bad. ONLY spiritual things are good. ONLY spiritual things are praiseworthy. This is heresy. God created EVERYTHING, the soul and the body. He created the world, and everything He created was good. We ruined our souls, but we still believe the spiritual is good. God's creation is full of good things, things that we need and enjoy. He made it for our benefit, and it is beautiful. If you say that a car or a house is not a blessing, then I say, neither is the Grand Canyon, neither is sleep.
Sleep is one of the best blessings I have experienced. And only God can give you good sleep. What we need to do is not stop saying we are blessed, we need to realize how much we are blessed. How many people take sleep for granted? A lot. I did right up until I had a baby and it finally hit me that I do not DESERVE a good night's sleep. I can't earn it. I can't make it happen. I can't make myself be rested in the morning. Even if I drug myself, it's a small chance that I'll wake up refreshed. Sleep is a gift from God. It's a blessing. And many of us take it for granted. Let's not stop telling how much God has blessed us. Let's start to realize how many things we never said were blessings from the Lord, and let's tell everyone about them. The times when He gave, and the times when He took away. We are blessed people.
The above is a post that is going around Facebook. There is a lot of good stuff in it, but I take issue with his conclusion, and I'd like to lay it out with a little more detail than I feel is appropriate for a Facebook comment.
First, I want to state absolutely that I am in complete agreement with this writer about the horrendous thing that is called prosperity "gospel" which is really not good news at all. It is a lie, and Americans in particular need to get away from this idea. Stuff is not an indicator of the levels of our faith.
Second, if his point is that we need to focus on spiritual things instead of on material things, again, I completely agree. Focus on what God has done in changing you spiritually, not in what you have or don't have materially. Absolutely. Colossians 3:1-2
Unfortunately, that's not what I read. What I read is "material stuff is not a blessing; it's a trial." After just quoting the Lord Jesus when He said, (paraphrasing, here) "Blessed are you when men hate you" this writer claims that trials are suddenly not blessings.
Honestly, this writer seems very confused about what a blessing is. And part of the reason for that is that he's using as his definition a passage where Jesus is not defining anything. Jesus does not say, "You are ONLY blessed when...." He says that these groups of people are blessed. He doesn't say they are the only ones who are blessed, or that these listed blessings are the ONLY blessings. He is NOT defining blessing here. He is laying out principles.
So let's use the rest of what the Holy Spirit wrote, instead of just one passage, and see if we can broaden our understanding. I call your attention to the book of James. 1:17 - Every good gift comes from the Father. And then 4:13-17. What is the point of these? That God is in control of everything we do or don't receive.
Let's bring Romans 8:28 into this too though, because it's extremely important. Everything that happens or doesn't happen to a Christian is for their good.
And now we are armed for the climax. What is a blessing? A blessing is a good thing that happens to me; therefore, it is a gift from God. Everything that happens to a Christian is a good thing because it ultimately brings us closer to Him. Therefore, whether I get the job, or don't get the job, I am blessed. Whether I get the car or don't get the car, I am blessed. And I don't mean generally, and I don't mean just spiritually. I don't mean that I, as a person, am blessed in Christ (though I am). I mean not getting the job IS a blessing, and getting the car IS a blessing.
Let me flesh this out for you. My husband lost his job when we'd been married for about 6 weeks. It was a blessing. It was for our good both materially and spiritually. It was one of the biggest blessings we've had. It completely changed our outlook for the start of our new life.
Recently, we were able to purchase a second car. That was also a blessing from God. Without my husband getting a new job, without the health to work hard (which is a gift every day from the LORD), without so many things that God has done for us, we would not have been able to afford that car. And I would be missing most church services these days, because my husband has to go straight from work. If I didn't have a car of my own, I would not be able to get to church most weeks.
We have been blessed. Materially. With things being taken away and with things being granted. The great danger of not seeing material things as God's gifts, is that suddenly, you have no one to praise for them, except yourself.
The writer ends by saying that he's grateful. Grateful to who? For what? If he hasn't been given anything, then he has nothing to be grateful for. Think about this: How many unfaithed people (by that, I mean people who either don't practice their "faith" or don't believe in a deity) who will say they are blessed? They might be grateful, but ultimately, they're grateful to their boss for the raise, or their spouse for their hard work, or circumstances. They aren't grateful to God.
Saying, "I am blessed" automatically indicates, by the simple grammar of the word, that there is a Blesser. And generally, everyone knows that ultimately, you're talking about a deity.
The other danger of this is Gnosticism. If you follow this train of thinking far enough, you will come to the conclusion that material things are not only not good, they are bad. ONLY spiritual things are good. ONLY spiritual things are praiseworthy. This is heresy. God created EVERYTHING, the soul and the body. He created the world, and everything He created was good. We ruined our souls, but we still believe the spiritual is good. God's creation is full of good things, things that we need and enjoy. He made it for our benefit, and it is beautiful. If you say that a car or a house is not a blessing, then I say, neither is the Grand Canyon, neither is sleep.
Sleep is one of the best blessings I have experienced. And only God can give you good sleep. What we need to do is not stop saying we are blessed, we need to realize how much we are blessed. How many people take sleep for granted? A lot. I did right up until I had a baby and it finally hit me that I do not DESERVE a good night's sleep. I can't earn it. I can't make it happen. I can't make myself be rested in the morning. Even if I drug myself, it's a small chance that I'll wake up refreshed. Sleep is a gift from God. It's a blessing. And many of us take it for granted. Let's not stop telling how much God has blessed us. Let's start to realize how many things we never said were blessings from the Lord, and let's tell everyone about them. The times when He gave, and the times when He took away. We are blessed people.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Fear the LORD
A few days (okay, maybe a week or two) ago, there was a discussion on Facebook that basically boiled down to whether or not unregenerate sinners SHOULD fear the Lord. At least, that was my side of the argument, and people were arguing with me, so I think that's what it was about. I suppose there could have been misunderstandings, but I'm not sure where they would have come from.
I honestly don't think that you can make any kind of logical argument against the idea that unregenerate sinners shouldn't fear the holy Creator of everything. So, for the most part, this is going to be about Christians.
First, I want to ask: Why are Christians against the idea that God should be feared? Because God is loving? The argument that God shouldn't be feared because He is love, is self-defeating. If God is only love, then His love is not powerful. The "power of love" is seen (Disney even understands this) when it OVERCOMES something. What is God's love overcoming if God is only love?
If you reduce (or remove) God's wrath, you destroy the wondrous depths of God's love.
So let's go to Scripture to see what the Holy Spirit says about the fear of the LORD.
A quick word search (Bible Gateway is my friend) told me that the phrase "fear the LORD" is used 32 times in the Bible, and "fear of the LORD" is used 30. Sixty-two word for word references about a thing (and, by the way, it is NEVER used negatively) is kind of prevalent.
When the "fear of the Lord falls" on people (I Sam.11:7, Acts 9:31), it means they're about to respond properly in light of Who God is. When people act "in the fear of the Lord," they are doing what is morally right. Why? What is the fear of the Lord? Here are a few.
It's wisdom (Job 28:28; Ps. 111:10).
It's clean (Ps. 19:9).
It's worth teaching (Ps. 34:11).
It's the beginning of knowledge (Prov. 1:7, 29).
How does it affect us? What does it change in us?
When we fear the Lord we: hate evil (Prov. 8:13), have long life (Prov. 10:27, 14:27), enjoy confidence (Prov. 14:26), repent of sin (Prov. 16:6), are blessed (Ps. 115:13) and honored by God (Ps. 15:4). etc. etc. etc. Even when speaking about evil nations (II Chr. 17:10), when people fear the LORD, they act properly toward Him and His people.
What's more? This is a command. This is not a question. This is not debatable. Here are seven references that command it, and there are more. Deut. 6:13,24; 10:12, 20; I Sam. 12:24; Ps. 33:8; Prov. 23:17 ".... be thou in the fear of the LORD ALL THE DAY LONG." (Emphasis added.) Fear God. When? ALL THE TIME! Why? Because God is God, and we are not.
This is not something that is going to go away either. Hosea 3:5 says, "Afterward shall the children of Israel return, and seek the LORD their God, and David their king; and shall fear the LORD and His goodness in the latter days." This hasn't happened yet. David was dead when Hosea was writing and he's not coming back yet. The fear of the LORD started with Adam and Eve and it's going all the way through until time ends.
Now, when talking about the fear of God, I think you have to reference I John 4 - because if you don't, people are going to feel that the supposed question isn't properly answered. Specifically verse 18 which says perfect love casts out fear, but you have to read a bit to get the context. I think the whole thing hinges on verse 17, "Herein is our love made perfect, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world."
The argument that John is making is that the fear of God's WRATH does not belong in a Christian. Christians do not need to fear God's judgment. We who have been "made perfect in love" (made as He is) do not need to fear punishment from God. Perfect love, that is, love which has been perfected in us, casts out fear of punishment. There is therefore now no condemnation....
Fearing punishment (wrath, judgment, etc.) and fearing God are two very different things. Sinners - John makes this argument perfectly right here - have EVERY reason to fear judgment and God's wrath. It is common sense for them to fear the wrath of God, for them to be very terrified sinners in the hands of a very angry God. However, we know from many other Scriptures that Christians fear the LORD. (In fact, they are the ones who are usually fearing the Lord, so this is not fear of judgment on our part.)
Fearing God is not fearing consequences. It's fearing GOD. For as long as my parents were in authority over me, I feared them. Why? Not because of the consequences. If it were only consequences that I feared, I would have only feared when I'd done wrong. I feared them because I loved them, because I didn't want to disappoint them, because they were my authority, and I understood that I am flawed and cannot perfectly please them. I feared what my lack of perfection would do to our relationship.
That doesn't mean I walked around cowering. It does mean that, for instance, when I considered what to spend my allowance on, I seriously considered whether or not they would approve, whether or not it would make them happy if I spent the money that they gave me on something like that. Why? Because I feared them. This kind of fear is inseparable from love. They are joined ankle, hip, and shoulder, so that it can be very difficult to even attempt to see them separately.
Do you fear disappointing your spouse, your kids, your family, your in-laws? Why? Because you love them and you want a solid, good, open relationship; but knowing fallen humanity, you know that you will fail them.
Fearing God is about walking with Him, making every decision with the understanding that He is living in your heart. He knows what you're doing and why you're doing it, and you are grossly underestimating the depths of God's emotions if you think that He doesn't feel when we turn from Him, when we insist we know better, when we brazenly - or apathetically - worship something else (usually ourselves).
It makes everything about my relationship with Him. It takes the nebulous feeling out of it, and that makes it potent. And, now that I think about it, that's probably why Christians don't like it either - it removes the ability to coast. And many Christians these days LOVE to coast.
I honestly don't think that you can make any kind of logical argument against the idea that unregenerate sinners shouldn't fear the holy Creator of everything. So, for the most part, this is going to be about Christians.
First, I want to ask: Why are Christians against the idea that God should be feared? Because God is loving? The argument that God shouldn't be feared because He is love, is self-defeating. If God is only love, then His love is not powerful. The "power of love" is seen (Disney even understands this) when it OVERCOMES something. What is God's love overcoming if God is only love?
If you reduce (or remove) God's wrath, you destroy the wondrous depths of God's love.
So let's go to Scripture to see what the Holy Spirit says about the fear of the LORD.
A quick word search (Bible Gateway is my friend) told me that the phrase "fear the LORD" is used 32 times in the Bible, and "fear of the LORD" is used 30. Sixty-two word for word references about a thing (and, by the way, it is NEVER used negatively) is kind of prevalent.
When the "fear of the Lord falls" on people (I Sam.11:7, Acts 9:31), it means they're about to respond properly in light of Who God is. When people act "in the fear of the Lord," they are doing what is morally right. Why? What is the fear of the Lord? Here are a few.
It's wisdom (Job 28:28; Ps. 111:10).
It's clean (Ps. 19:9).
It's worth teaching (Ps. 34:11).
It's the beginning of knowledge (Prov. 1:7, 29).
How does it affect us? What does it change in us?
When we fear the Lord we: hate evil (Prov. 8:13), have long life (Prov. 10:27, 14:27), enjoy confidence (Prov. 14:26), repent of sin (Prov. 16:6), are blessed (Ps. 115:13) and honored by God (Ps. 15:4). etc. etc. etc. Even when speaking about evil nations (II Chr. 17:10), when people fear the LORD, they act properly toward Him and His people.
What's more? This is a command. This is not a question. This is not debatable. Here are seven references that command it, and there are more. Deut. 6:13,24; 10:12, 20; I Sam. 12:24; Ps. 33:8; Prov. 23:17 ".... be thou in the fear of the LORD ALL THE DAY LONG." (Emphasis added.) Fear God. When? ALL THE TIME! Why? Because God is God, and we are not.
This is not something that is going to go away either. Hosea 3:5 says, "Afterward shall the children of Israel return, and seek the LORD their God, and David their king; and shall fear the LORD and His goodness in the latter days." This hasn't happened yet. David was dead when Hosea was writing and he's not coming back yet. The fear of the LORD started with Adam and Eve and it's going all the way through until time ends.
Now, when talking about the fear of God, I think you have to reference I John 4 - because if you don't, people are going to feel that the supposed question isn't properly answered. Specifically verse 18 which says perfect love casts out fear, but you have to read a bit to get the context. I think the whole thing hinges on verse 17, "Herein is our love made perfect, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world."
The argument that John is making is that the fear of God's WRATH does not belong in a Christian. Christians do not need to fear God's judgment. We who have been "made perfect in love" (made as He is) do not need to fear punishment from God. Perfect love, that is, love which has been perfected in us, casts out fear of punishment. There is therefore now no condemnation....
Fearing punishment (wrath, judgment, etc.) and fearing God are two very different things. Sinners - John makes this argument perfectly right here - have EVERY reason to fear judgment and God's wrath. It is common sense for them to fear the wrath of God, for them to be very terrified sinners in the hands of a very angry God. However, we know from many other Scriptures that Christians fear the LORD. (In fact, they are the ones who are usually fearing the Lord, so this is not fear of judgment on our part.)
Fearing God is not fearing consequences. It's fearing GOD. For as long as my parents were in authority over me, I feared them. Why? Not because of the consequences. If it were only consequences that I feared, I would have only feared when I'd done wrong. I feared them because I loved them, because I didn't want to disappoint them, because they were my authority, and I understood that I am flawed and cannot perfectly please them. I feared what my lack of perfection would do to our relationship.
That doesn't mean I walked around cowering. It does mean that, for instance, when I considered what to spend my allowance on, I seriously considered whether or not they would approve, whether or not it would make them happy if I spent the money that they gave me on something like that. Why? Because I feared them. This kind of fear is inseparable from love. They are joined ankle, hip, and shoulder, so that it can be very difficult to even attempt to see them separately.
Do you fear disappointing your spouse, your kids, your family, your in-laws? Why? Because you love them and you want a solid, good, open relationship; but knowing fallen humanity, you know that you will fail them.
Fearing God is about walking with Him, making every decision with the understanding that He is living in your heart. He knows what you're doing and why you're doing it, and you are grossly underestimating the depths of God's emotions if you think that He doesn't feel when we turn from Him, when we insist we know better, when we brazenly - or apathetically - worship something else (usually ourselves).
It makes everything about my relationship with Him. It takes the nebulous feeling out of it, and that makes it potent. And, now that I think about it, that's probably why Christians don't like it either - it removes the ability to coast. And many Christians these days LOVE to coast.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Blogging
I seem to have stopped blogging. I'm going to guess it's because I tell Evelynn everything. Why do I need to tell anyone else?
Just a thought.
I'm working on my second book. That's probably premature since I haven't heard anything back about the first one. But I like writing, and it's good for me, and eventually, I would really like to get the first one published. Myself, if I have to.
Zack is the one who really changed my mind about it. He talked to me about the whole thing. It was so fun; I loved it. =) And Kate always wants to hear about them. I can't imagine what she'd do if I just stopped writing. . . . . *shudder* ;)
I've been working on my typing skills again. I used to take typing tests and stuff frequently, but I haven't for quite some time now, and I noticed with my lack of writing and gaming that my typing was going downhill.
What else. . . . What else. . . . There's the food thing, I suppose. Yeah, we're trying to eat healthier. It's a hard thing, but I think it's an important thing. What really got me this last time, was how against most medicine I am, how much I think it's mostly bad for us, and while it might treat symptoms, it's not going to fix anything.
How can I be so against one bad thing that we put in our bodies, but not another?
Mostly because the other was almost entirely my decision. I do the shopping and the cooking. If we're going to eat healthier, it's going to take more effort, time, and energy on my part. It's going to take thought, research, and mostly - time. I like time. I like my afternoons to be MY afternoons. But how can I say that vaccines are dangerous and then turn around and feed my husband and daughter Totino's Pizzas? That's just stupid.
So I'm going to work on it. We had made a few changes, but it was so easy to get back into what I knew, what I was comfortable with, and mostly - what was fast and easy to make. Boxed stuff, bagged stuff.
The other reason was the cost, but I'm not even sure that it's cheaper anymore. Some of it is. Seafood is not cheap; but making your own bread products (crackers, pancakes, basically anything with a flour base) can be both cheaper and healthier. If I save money on some things and spend more money on other things, who knows? Maybe my "unhealthy is cheaper" excuse isn't even true!
It's going to be a process. It's going to take a while, but I have ideas, and right now I'm rather determined. There will be days when I succumb to the boxed noodles, and honestly, I can't imagine not doing the boxed cake - mostly because I like them so much better as far as I remember. But slowly, I hope and I anticipate that things will shift. Slowly, there will be more healthy food in the house than unhealthy food. Slowly, we will eat more vegetables than before and slowly, we will be healthier and be able to feel it! Maybe - maybe - it will be the answer to my restless leg syndrome or my headaches or my cramps.
Some things will probably never go. I can't imagine I'll ever not eat ice cream or that I'll ever make noodles from scratch (I've never even heard of that one); but some things will go and we'll be better off for it. Maybe I'll even have an herb garden one day. Evelynn would LOVE that. She's a big fan of plants and bushes in particular. I love that little girl. =)
And I'm very blessed because Zack is with me %100. It's going to be hard enough for me to do it; if he'd been even a little against it, I probably would have given up. But he wasn't, and I'm blessed. =) He was even coming up with ways to make cuts in our budget, so I'd have more leeway with the food budget. Makes me feel special. :D
Just a thought.
I'm working on my second book. That's probably premature since I haven't heard anything back about the first one. But I like writing, and it's good for me, and eventually, I would really like to get the first one published. Myself, if I have to.
Zack is the one who really changed my mind about it. He talked to me about the whole thing. It was so fun; I loved it. =) And Kate always wants to hear about them. I can't imagine what she'd do if I just stopped writing. . . . . *shudder* ;)
I've been working on my typing skills again. I used to take typing tests and stuff frequently, but I haven't for quite some time now, and I noticed with my lack of writing and gaming that my typing was going downhill.
What else. . . . What else. . . . There's the food thing, I suppose. Yeah, we're trying to eat healthier. It's a hard thing, but I think it's an important thing. What really got me this last time, was how against most medicine I am, how much I think it's mostly bad for us, and while it might treat symptoms, it's not going to fix anything.
How can I be so against one bad thing that we put in our bodies, but not another?
Mostly because the other was almost entirely my decision. I do the shopping and the cooking. If we're going to eat healthier, it's going to take more effort, time, and energy on my part. It's going to take thought, research, and mostly - time. I like time. I like my afternoons to be MY afternoons. But how can I say that vaccines are dangerous and then turn around and feed my husband and daughter Totino's Pizzas? That's just stupid.
So I'm going to work on it. We had made a few changes, but it was so easy to get back into what I knew, what I was comfortable with, and mostly - what was fast and easy to make. Boxed stuff, bagged stuff.
The other reason was the cost, but I'm not even sure that it's cheaper anymore. Some of it is. Seafood is not cheap; but making your own bread products (crackers, pancakes, basically anything with a flour base) can be both cheaper and healthier. If I save money on some things and spend more money on other things, who knows? Maybe my "unhealthy is cheaper" excuse isn't even true!
It's going to be a process. It's going to take a while, but I have ideas, and right now I'm rather determined. There will be days when I succumb to the boxed noodles, and honestly, I can't imagine not doing the boxed cake - mostly because I like them so much better as far as I remember. But slowly, I hope and I anticipate that things will shift. Slowly, there will be more healthy food in the house than unhealthy food. Slowly, we will eat more vegetables than before and slowly, we will be healthier and be able to feel it! Maybe - maybe - it will be the answer to my restless leg syndrome or my headaches or my cramps.
Some things will probably never go. I can't imagine I'll ever not eat ice cream or that I'll ever make noodles from scratch (I've never even heard of that one); but some things will go and we'll be better off for it. Maybe I'll even have an herb garden one day. Evelynn would LOVE that. She's a big fan of plants and bushes in particular. I love that little girl. =)
And I'm very blessed because Zack is with me %100. It's going to be hard enough for me to do it; if he'd been even a little against it, I probably would have given up. But he wasn't, and I'm blessed. =) He was even coming up with ways to make cuts in our budget, so I'd have more leeway with the food budget. Makes me feel special. :D
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Weakness
I've found something to be true in my life that the days I could most use help, the days I would most readily ask my husband, "Would you do such a thing for me?" are the days that I do not have that opportunity. They are the days when no one is available, the days when, even if I asked for the help, there would not be any.
I don't say this to complain. God is teaching me to rely first on Him. In general, I have no trouble making quick prayers for help, but more and more I've come to realize that He's not just one of the options for help. He's the ONLY option.
My non-Christian friends would say this makes me weak, that my reliance on God is a crutch that makes me short sell my own abilities, that my faith makes me weaker.
I disagree. I am already weak. Admitting it does not make me weaker. We are all weak; we were not created to live in a broken world where life is hard and trouble is plentiful. What strength we have has been given to us by God. Whatever help we receive has been ordained by God. What easy days come our way were ordered by God.
None of us would make it through life without the grace of God. The grace of God gives us food to eat, jobs to work, air to breathe. The grace of God sends the rain to the just and the unjust. Without Him, I can not do this. With His help, I can follow Him through anything.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
