December Without Snow

It has been a while now. I don't really have a topic, so this might be a bit on the "stream of consciousness" side of things.

A few things that have been going on: Christmas is coming with all the stuff that means. I've never had to think about making goodies or sending cards before. Not that I've made any goodies, but I did go buy some Christmas cards this morning. I was thinking about making some cookies. Without chocolate chips. Mwahahahaha! ;) (Saves money!)

This Christmas is my first in many categories. My first not at home, my first after being married, my first in the springlike CaliLand. I'm excited. We're celebrating on Thursday which is only three days away! Whooo!!!! We bought a large portion of ham for Christmas Eve dinner. :) I'm not sure what to make with it yet. I bought Zack a mango; he bought me icecream. Hehe. (I'm pretty sure he's going to eat some of it, too. . . )

I love Christmas; I like Christmas cards, I like Christmas caroling; I like Christmas lights, trees, presents, food, even the guys that stand in front of the stores ringing the bells. I especially love Christmas morning when it's really dark except for the Christmas lights and the candles, we get snuggled up on the couch, listening to the Christmas story (I like Luke 2 a lot, but one year Dad read the beginning of Hebrews - it was really good, too.) with bleary eyes and lots of yawns.

In other news, I did NaNoWriMo again this year and again wrote 50k words and finished a story. It was sad and horrible and I hated it. Haha. BUT, something good may have come of it, because the winners get 5 free copies of a manuscript (just have to pay for shipping). The only question is whether or not it has to be what I wrote for THIS Nano. . . . and if there is anyway for them to know if I'm using a different manuscript.

So right now, I have two options. Write like crazy to finish my book before March, send it out for people to read and help edit, and get it "published" in May and have five copies. OR, I can use last year's NaNo (which is a thousand times better than this year's ). That option is a lot less work - that's for sure. That is, if I don't have to use the one I wrote this year - because I wouldn't want five copies of that anywhere, not even in my basement (if I had a basement).

And that, for the time being, is my life. Most things are on hiatus for Christmas.

Merry Christmas - and in case this is the last one for a while again - Happy New Year!!! =D

Devil's Advocate

I was going through old blogs and found this one and wondered why I'd never posted it. I think maybe I was a little too fired up at the time and thought I shouldn't. Since I can't remember what sparked it's being written though, I feel safe enough in posting it now.

Why do people play Devil's advocate? With a name like that, why would you even want to? The Devil needs help now? He's not persecuting God's people well enough on his own? We have an Advocate, Jesus Christ the Righteous. I don't want to play that kind of part for the Devil. I don't want to get anywhere NEAR it. Now, obviously, I know that people don't mean the phrase that seriously. But things are usually called what they're called for a reason.

Observation: All the people I can think of that I know to play Devil's advocate tend to be the same type of person. Egotistical males (by their own admission) who think that they know more than others and that it is their responsibility to test, try and prove other Christians with their knowledge. (My experience is very limited, but that's what it has been.) This raises many flags in my mind - flags, not condemnation.

So what's the point of Devil's Advocate, and is it really the best way to reach your desired goal? (I give the benefit of the doubt here and presume their goal to be helping other believers.) Or is it a not-so-great way to do things except in very particular circumstances, even potentially damaging to those same people you say you're trying to help?

It seems like there are a few reasons for playing Devil's advocate. One, it allows you to argue and be on opposite sides instead of working together. Two, it allows you to be much harsher on someone's beliefs. You can scornfully question an answer the other person offers and tear it to pieces if you're on opposite sides of a debate. Three, it's a great way to show off just how much you know. If you can tear apart Johnny's (I use Johnny 'cause I don't know any) argument while knowing the right way to answer all of your own questions, boy howdy, you must be a genius! (Please note the sarcasm.)

My argument against playing Devil's advocate:

1) We're Christians. All things are supposed to be done in love. "Be ye wise as serpents and harmless as doves." How often is playing Devil's Advocate being harmless as a dove? I would submit, very rarely. Usually the person who plays Devil's Advocate is one of the smarter people in the room, and probably everyone else respects their opinion. When they start tearing down beliefs that often aren't well-founded to begin with, serious questioning takes place within the person who is being . . . well, grilled. It's not very nice to try to destroy someone's, as far as you can tell, correct beliefs before they've had a chance to really even believe them. Especially if that person looks up to you.

I suggest a different approach. Either teach them or come along side them. Be their advocate; offer to be a sounding board. Ask questions in a constructive way, not a destructive way. Don't debate, suggest. Point out inconsistencies with thoughtfulness, not "Haha! Now your argument is destroyed!"

2) People don't like other people to know that they're playing Devil's Advocate. . . . Why, I don't really get. Probably because as soon as you say, "I'm doing this," then all of a sudden it's less intense. Which makes it seem like the whole point of playing it, is not to help people but because you like the pressure, the atmosphere of a debate. Honestly, I think this is why it bothers me. Christians don't know how to come along side and help others with beliefs. They know how to teach and they know how to argue. There is another way, but it requires a more listening and less talking.

It's just deceptive. I'm going to pretend to disagree with you, I'm going to tear apart all of your arguments as much as I can, and then at the end I'm going to say, "I was just messing around; I totally believe the same thing you do."

Really? And it was all for my benefit? I feel so special that you deceived me and tore apart my mental processes with such gusto. . . .

Nah. Secretive Devil's advocate is way worse than just presenting opposition. Sharp opposition when you're trying to settle things in your head is hard enough, but when you find out afterward that they don't even believe what they were arguing? It's much worse. It feels like a betrayal.

Addendum: I understand that for some people having a person, someone they respect, play the opposing side might be helpful. In fact, it might be exactly what they need in order to work things through in their head. My problem is when the person doing the opposing just decides to do it without anyone knowing, without anyone asking, really without taking into account who they're doing it to. They just decide to test whoever they feel like.

Which brings me to point, 3) It's really presumptive. These people need their faith tested, their beliefs challenged. I'm just the person to do it! It's up to ME to make sure that they know everything they believe and know exactly why they believe it.

And what if you "challenge" their beliefs so well that then they don't know what to believe? Good job; you gave the Devil a point on that round. Did your advocate thing a little too well. Playing Devil's advocate is like tossing around a stumbling-block. Like a ball, you throw it up and try to catch it again every time you argue with someone. And occasionally, you miss and they trip, and it's your fault.

There's got to be better way.

Another Debate

So I wasn't planning on making this a thing I do, but after listening to only part of another GOP debate, I feel like writing some more. (I did watch the whole thing; I just wrote things down while watching it.)

Anderson Cooper: I was surprised to see him as the moderator. I don't think he was really cut out for it. He did a poor job of keeping any kind of order; people were jumping in all over the place, and he interrupted quite a lot with his own snide remarks. He also seemed to be gunning for certain people, giving some people all the time they wanted and cutting other people off.

Perry: Most of the time, I can't stand him. He comes across as so artificial and actually not very informed. But I gotta give him credit for taking on Romney on immigration, even though I think he got skewered with it just as bad. I would be thrilled if he could keep throwing doubts on Romney and take himself out of it as well. I think he may have ended up making Romney look better though by the end of it. :/

Cain: His plan got hammered at the beginning! I was really happy to hear him talk about something other then 9-9-9 when the healthcare thing came up. He gets points for owning up to his former position on TARP in my opinion. He seems like a very up-front person, but he also seems to have a hard time getting across what he's trying to. Thankfully for him, most people don't seem to care if you can explain it, as long as it works.

Paul: He did really well with the Latino question, and I'm glad he had more of a chance to talk later on. I'm not sure that I completely agree with him on the March on Wall Street thing . . . . But that's probably because I'm not sure how things work. It seems to me though that if President Obama was the one that sanctioned what the FED was dong, then some of those people are definitely at fault, because they voted for him. If the FED did it all themselves, without help from the administration, then Paul is right. I just don't know which one it is.

Bachmann: She did WAY better this time, in my opinion. I don't know if it's actually seeing and hearing her, or what, but I liked her a lot more this time around. I thought her appeal to moms was a little weird. That didn't seem like a debate forum thing, but whatever. I also think she's advertising for herself a little too hard.

Santorum: I didn't like that he got so fired up with Romney. Saying Romney was out of time was not a good thing; that wasn't his job. I think he'd have done better if he'd kept his cool, but he obviously has a big problem with Romney's less-than-open approach, which I have to agree with. He did a really good job emphasizing family with the Latino question - I would bet that he would get a lot of Latino votes for that because of his references to family and faith (and his being a Catholic). I think he has a problem with referring to the other candidates specifically though. I don't know if he's doing it on purpose or what, but I think he'd serve himself better to answer questions in the positive (I would do X) rather than the negative (They brought this on us).

Gingrich: I love how he called out Romney about Romney not getting that idea from him. That was great. Also, his address to the Latino community was very well done. I really liked his answer to the faith/religion question. I think he did slightly better with it than Santorum even. I also think he did better in this debate than the last one.

Romney: The more I hear about him, the worse he seems. I think the only reason he could get anywhere is because he's really the only one with charisma. He's got the salt-and-pepper hair, a good voice, it takes a lot to get him upset, and he has the ability to make himself look like the one who's been wronged. And he's a politician - he can speak well without saying much but sounding like he knows exactly what he's talking about.


Overall: The only two people that I really, really, really don't want to see win it are Romney and Perry.

Politics

There was a debate recently amongst the Republican Candidates that I would have known nothing about had my brother not posted something about it on Facebook. But he did, and I had time and I took the opportunity to read the transcript from said debate. There were a few things that struck me from the debate itself and from a few articles about the debate. Most of these people I know nothing about other than what I can remember from listening to the debate, so bear with me. I may be way off on things.

The moderating job didn't seem to be done very well. The guy even forgot that Romney came before Santorum. Thankfully, Santorum caught it and passed the spotlight to Romney, but Romney had to rub the poor PBS guy's face in it a little before continuing.

The winners and the losers seem to be determined by who got to talk the most. In the context of Proverbs, this bothers me. Romney did a lot of talking; he seems popular; from what was written, he seemed to have the easiest time communicating his ideas and thoughts - other people seemed to stumble around for words a bit - and from what I read today, he doesn't seem like he'd be terrible for our economy. However, he did a lot of talking, and I find that I can't sum him up at all. There's nothing I can say, "He is definitely for (or against) X." That makes him seem very much a politician and that makes me not trust him.

Santorum is for family. That was obvious when he said, "Families that have two- that have a husband and a wife working. . . ." He didn't want to say families that have two "parents." I wished he'd said more without mentioning Cain. He also seemed to be for cutting taxes, which sounds good to little ole me.

Ron Paul (It seems weird if I just called him Paul. . . .) seems very informed and unpopular to the point of everyone paying attention knowing that he's the "unmentionable guy." He gets included in appearance but he's not in the In Crowd. I can't remember anyone asking him a question; he got lumped in with the "Winners" by virtue of asking worthy questions; and basically was ignored (as far as I saw) in the reports on the debate. He was also the only person mentioned in the fact-checkers article that didn't say anything wrong (unlike Santorum, Romney, Cain, Perry, Bachmann, and Huntsman), if you trust the people who wrote the article.

I'd never seen Cain, nor heard him speak before, but I was very turned off to him. He had one tune, and he didn't seem to understand it very well. He seemed to want simplicity in a complex situation, and I don't think he's going to find it. I was a little surprised about him, because I'd heard a lot of talk about him, and he was nothing like what I expected. He was nit-picky and overall didn't seem very gracious. The question wasn't about the morality of beer as opposed to pizza; it was about taxing food.

In my opinion, Bachmann should get out of it. I think she's a smart, classy lady, but she didn't seem to have very much ability to say what she wanted to. She was difficult to understand and she went back and forth from being, "I'm a mother of 28" to "I'm a lawyer." On the one hand, she seemed almost too down to earth, and on the other hand she struck me as being very legally minded. Maybe it was an off day for her or maybe I just didn't get her. I don't know.

Huntsman didn't seem to be taking it seriously and therefore, I found it hard to take him seriously. He also totally spaced on the point of how (I think it was Romney) wanted to repeal Obamacare and how that worked. I liked how Santorum jumped in and explained it for him. Hehehehe.

Gingrich didn't seem to be there for himself. He seemed to be there to say, "Yeah, he's right about that. You've got that right, Bachmann. Listen to so-and-so." It was slightly confusing, and yet refreshing. He didn't seem to make any overtures for his own bid, rather boosting other candidates that he thought were correct, as well as taking shots at people like Bernanke. He seemed more interested in making sure that the people listening were getting correct information than trying to market himself. I liked it.

Perry also seemed to get a lot of talking in without saying much. He seemed focused on getting a good leader for the country, but he didn't want to share his plan for the country - which made him not seem like a leader. There were a couple of other red flags that come up with him that made me think twice.

Overall, I like Santorum for his graciousness and Ron Paul for his very "this is the way it is" take on things. I dislike Cain and Romney makes me wary, though Perry worries me even more. Gingrich, Huntsman, and Bachmann I have a hard time thinking that they're really going to do much.

Life with God is Exciting

It really is. We've been going through Esther in our Ladies' Bible Study recently and it's been very cool. Normally, I'm not a big fan of Esther. I like how well it shows that God is in control, but I don't really identify with any of the characters and I don't like the lack of mention of any people who are definitely "the good guy."

Now, as a rabbit trail, let me say, I hope that Esther and Mordecai were true Jews and spiritual children of Abraham as well as physical ones; but I don't see any definite evidence of that, as everyone who's paid attention knows there is no mention of God, prayer, or anything else that would lead to that.

Back to my point though, life with God is seeing growing bills and shrinking paychecks and waiting with wonder at how God is going to save us. What Esther (no matter what her spiritual beliefs were) is He putting up to deliver His people? What or who is He going to use next to get us through another week, another month, the next year?

And that's exciting. It's like a beautiful, lazy summer evening spent with family and friends, sitting out on the lawn looking up at the sky waiting for the fireworks to start. Or sitting at the airport waiting for the plane to land so you can see your beloved again.

There is the other side to it though, the harder side. What am I trying to hold onto? What worry do I have that nags me? What thing am I wondering, "What do I do, what do I do" about?

I've had a few of those recently, and it's really hard to really give things over to God and say, "I don't want to keep trying to grab it. I can't hold it up; I can't fix it; I don't even know how to try to fix it. But I don't want to make it worse by hanging on. I don't want to make it worse by worrying and filling myself with anxiety until I finally do something stupid out of desperation." It's an interesting thing - giving it up is a lighter weight than carrying it around; but it's a harder thing to do sometimes.

Anyway. Life is exciting. It's rough and it hurts and it's long; but God is gentle. He binds up the broken-hearted and He gives rest to the weary. And it's exciting to see how He works.

As Long As They're Healthy

"Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?"
"Oh, I don't care. I'll be happy as long as they're healthy."

I think these words get a sort of silent kudos. "Well good for them. They're not going to be disappointed because of the gender of their child. Good for them, they're not being sexist." But that's only one side of what it's saying.

I wonder how many people have said these words, heard these words, anticipated saying them once they got pregnant. I also wonder how many have actually thought about what the words are saying on the flip side.

The flip side is, am I not suggesting that I won't be pleased with them if they're unhealthy? That I might possibly love them less because they're going to make my life even more difficult? That it's hard enough getting up x amount of times in the night without having to deal with some other problem? That we hardly have the money to deal with a normal birth without having to worry about a day spent in NICU? Will we bemoan the events that brought a less-than-perfect child into our lives as our responsibility?

I'm not saying it's wrong to wish good health to your baby - we pray for it all the time, and I fully believe it's a good thing. We don't wish ill on people. But you wouldn't say, "As long as it's a boy" if you want a boy. You might pray for a boy, but you wouldn't hang your happiness on it. So why would you say, "As long as they're healthy?"

Is God's arm too short to help us with the physical or mental care of a child? More, did God say of us, "As long as they're healthy?" Has God not chosen the weak things of the world to confound the mighty? Hasn't He used a myriad of people that were not perfectly healthy or perfectly formed?

I wonder about these things because I know people who are in the process of adopting. And in that process, they get asked, "Will you take a child with special needs? Will you accept blindness, deafness, cerebral palsy, autism, etc. etc.?" Would you? Would I? Or do we only want the healthy ones? Are they no longer blessings if they're not healthy?

If God gives me a blind baby, dare I be disappointed with the gift that the Master Potter has formed for me? Dare I say, "Why hast Thou made them thus?"

Just something to think about.

As to the Lord

Been thinking a lot recently about my attitude in life and why I do things and the main reason why I complain about having to do things. Mostly, I've been thinking about Colossians 3:23, a well-known verse. "And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily as to the Lord, and not unto men."

Why do I clean the church? I don't like cleaning. It's nice that it gives us some extra money, but that's not enough for me to be HAPPY about cleaning the church. But I can reason, it's the church building, we don't have a lot to give financially; this is something I can do. I can give some of my time, if not more money, to help the running of the church go smoothly.

Okay, so what about cleaning our apartment? What about putting time into making healthy and yummy dinners? What about when my husband, as he did today, asks me to do something that I really don't want to do? What about when someone asks me to babysit or house-sit or whatnot? I can come up with reasons to do it all, but none of those apply to making me HAPPY to do them. They just get me through it. Normally, I take the approach of giving myself a guilt trip until I stop complaining about it because I know, "It's the right thing to do" and "I need to be a friend" and "I don't have anything better to do at that time."

The only way I clean the church with a happy heart is when it's for God. The only way I gladly answer the phone when my husband asks is when it's because, in submitting to Zack, I'm submitting to God. The only way I look forward to doing the laundry is when I'm thinking that in doing such a menial household task, I'm able to do part of what God wants of me in taking care of my husband.

The interesting part is that if I don't think about why I'm doing things, I'm automatically doing them for me. I clean the church for the money; I clean the apartment so I can stand to live in it; I do the laundry because I'm out of clothes. It's all about me unless I purpose to do it with God in mind and for His glory, so that I can do it happily in the hopes that someone will notice a difference and ask "How??" And then I can answer honestly that it's because it's not for me; it's the daily worship I can give to my God.

It's been harder than normal lately. I'm not sure why exactly.

Randomly, a little girl came to the door the other day, handed me a paper and said, "This is about God and the number three." I smiled at such unexpected words, thanked her, and then we said "bye" to each other. I opened the paper up which was addressed to "You Guys" and it said: Jesus is Awesome!

It was a little thing but it made me very happy. :)

Friendship and Encouragement

I'm not good at making friends. Partly because I've never needed to (I had family); partly because I just don't get it. How do two people who just don't have that ground layer of really enjoying each other's presence ever have a real friendship? Oh, sure, we can get along and talk to each other and even have good times, but they're never the go-to person; they're never the friend that you tell your secrets to. They're a "going shopping with them or without them doesn't change the enjoyment level of the shopping" type of friend. Then there's people like my mom, where shopping is a hundred times better with her.

Maybe I just expect too much from friendships and want them to all be deeper than many can be; maybe my definition of real friendship is too narrow. I'm not sure.

More and more though, I'm desiring to be an encouragement to people. But I don't know how to be. I don't know how to talk to people I don't know. I don't know how to START friendships, although, I THINK I'm okay at keeping them going.

So, the question is, how can I either learn how to make friends, or be an encouragement without being a close friend to someone? I feel like I'm an easy person to get to know - as long as someone is asking me questions. Or through something that's not actually directed at them - like this blog, for instance. But people don't just want to get to know me, haha. Why would they? So how do I learn to initiate?

Obviously, it's something I need to start praying about. But it's also something that I'm very open to suggestions about. So if you have any, please share.

Of All Men Most Miserable

This is a topic that has been on my heart and mind for some time. I read the verse today in my daily Bible reading and it struck me again. After some consideration, I decided it was an opportune time to blog about it.

The phrase above is found in I Corinthians 15 in which Paul is making his defense for the resurrection. To sum up (because I'm sure all my regular readers know it very well), he says that if there is no resurrection, Christ is still dead, and we have no future hope; if Christ is dead, we are living our lives to serve a god that doesn't exist, and once we're dead, there's nothing more. Serving someone who doesn't exist with no hope of reward for it = most miserable.

I've heard this phrase applied to other things, and I've come to believe it is a gross misapplication that elevates something to the same height of importance as whether or not Christ is still dead (and therefore, whether or not He is God, and whether or not God exists at all). For the most part, I've heard this phrase applied to the argument for the KJV that if we do not have the exact words of God, we are of all men most miserable.

So I ask you, of those tribes around the world who have no Bible in their possession because there is no Bible in their language or because of lack of sufficient funding to buy such a Bible, are they of all men most miserable? They have no written word of God, but due to the work of the Holy Spirit, they've become children of God. Children of God are of all men most miserable???

No. Resoundingly, no. It is a saddening thought to me that someone would elevate the earthly possession of a thing to the same height as whether or not Christ is alive.

Whether or not I own a Bible, have the opportunity to own a Bible, or any other detail about the Bible - even if I thought my Bible were FULL of errors (which I don't) - it STILL would not effect my salvation and therefore, it CANNOT be so weighty a matter as make me of all men most miserable.

Now some could argue that if we don't KNOW that we have the exact words of God, that therefore we can't KNOW that Christ is risen. Guess what. We weren't there to witness it; we can't KNOW, and yet, we know. By faith. In our fallen selves, we can't KNOW any of it is true anyway. In our fallen nature, there is no reason to believe that Christ is alive - resurrection from the dead? What are you, crazy?

Yet we know. Why? We've been changed! Owning a Bible does not make a person's faith stronger. It just doesn't. You don't get suddenly more Christlike by having a Bible in your home. The Bible is a wonderful, wonderful gift. It is not on par with Christ's death. Without Christ's death, the Bible would be useless. But even without the Bible, Christ's death is NEVER useless because that's not the only means of spreading the Good News!

If all we had were verbal traditions passed down from generation to generation of what happened, do you think that people couldn't get saved? Sure they could. Why? Because the written word is not necessary. How can I say that? Because there wasn't one in Corinth when Paul went there and shared The Word with the people. But God had much people in that city, thus, they were saved!

In conclusion, saying that we need SPECIFIC information in order to know a thing is bizarre. That's like saying I can't know how old I am if I've never seen a calendar. There are seasons! Much more generalized things, but they still keep time very well.

Please don't misunderstand my feelings and very high regard for the Bible. The Bible is precious and it's full of information and wisdom and exhortation. It is beautiful and lovely and deep and a very useful gift from God. However, it is NOT as lovely as the reality of what happened. Christ came, lived, died, and rose again. Without THAT, I am most miserable.

Trying to Discover the Truth About Healthy LIving

Due to some friends and family being suddenly (or just perhaps just more vocally) aware of what they're eating, I've become more aware of it. I've read warnings and informational blogs, watched videos, and done more reading. I find it interesting, but I'm by no means studied on the subject.

At first, I was very skeptical. Partly because I was raised that way. We ate hot pockets and TV dinners and hotdogs and ramen noodle soup. (Not most of the time or anything; they were just present in the house and there was rarelyanything against them. In fact, I liked quite a few of them quite a lot.)

Eventually, I decided that it was something I had to make up my own mind about and started taking things a bit more seriously. Since I'm now the one buying the groceries, I'm the one responsible for whether or not we're eating healthy or not. Nothing like the weight of responsibility to force you to look into something.

My problem with this whole topic is not an unfamiliar one. The problem is that whoever I listen to, I'm listening to someone and really know nothing myself. It's all, "I heard" or "I read." It's never, "I know because I've seen, because I've done the math, because I know the chemistry." This is a problem because different people say different things; who do I trust? Some people say, "Don't eat butter; it's fattening and bad." Other people say, "No, no, BUTTER is fine; it has good fats; it's margarine you shouldn't eat."

So is butter bad or good? Are the extra calories in one thing that has good fat worth eating it? Or do you eat the fewer calories and bad fat?

Seriously.

And then there's the thing about microwaves. I've heard multiple times that they're bad, bad, bad and should never be used for anything. They change the molecular structure of your food and it takes all the nutrients out. (No one ever mentions where exactly the nutrients go. . . They dissipate I guess?? Do we breath them later then?) Microwaves are apparently extraordinarily powerful; if only like in "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" we could get a microwave to change non-food into food, rather than the other way around.

But here's my question. . . . Microwaves do not change the taste or aroma of the food, so how much is it actually doing to the food? If I microwave something for ten seconds, does only part of it change and the rest is okay? When it's really hot, is that how I know that it's now nutrient-free? I have a difficult time thinking that one second in the microwave and the food is no longer food. Presto change-o! Why? Well, that sounds an awful lot like magic, and a lot less like technology.

Change takes time. Even powerful radiation takes time. People don't contract radiation poisoning immediately if they enter a contaminated area. They have to be exposed for a certain amount of time, depending on their circumstances. The longer the time and the higher the radiation, the more severe the case. But what is that time with a microwave? (And you'd probably have to know for each power of microwave. For instance, ours is only 700 watts; we can't microwave a lot of things because they require 1200 or 1500.)

I'm not a health nut. I like icecream in specific and desserts in general way too much to be a health nut, not to mention Chinese food. . . . (Orange chicken - Mmmmmmmmm.) But that doesn't mean I don't want to be healthy. In fact, I think I have one up on a lot of people because I've always loved fruits and since hitting my late teens have developed a taste for a variety of vegetables.

However, I see a lot of gaps in the arguments that are made against certain things. They seem to be all or none. "That food is evil1 NEVER partake! NEVER drink soda; if it's regular it uses corn syrup; if it's diet, it uses Aspartame." Really? I can't ever drink a glass of Root Beer? Or even on a lesser side, which one is better of the two? If I need some caffeine because I'm going to be driving and there was no way around it, what's better to buy, the diet pepsi? or the regular?

These are the things I'm more interested in, but they seem to be the things that no one is addressing. Instead, it seems to come in the extremes of never and always.

And it makes me wonder. Is it worth looking for the answers? Is it worth spending the extra money for organic milk? (It's double the price. . . That's not a small change, especially on a tight budget.) Does it really matter if I eat butter or margarine, since really I don't eat it that much anyway? Honestly, if it were just me, I wouldn't change it because I eat so little of the stuff. But Zack eats it, too.

I know people who'd say no, don't worry about it. And I know people who'd say yes. The problem is, I'm not sure which one I am. And the people I know who'd say "no" have a lot of health problems that the people who say "yes" say their way can help with. . . . I don't want to be on daily doses of drugs when I'm forty. I really don't. If eating differently can keep me off medication? That's something I'm very interested in.

Why Get Depressed?

The above has been a topic of some confusion and speculation that I've heard on different occasions. Why have so many preachers and missionaries struggle so much with depression? What are their reasons? What brought it about?

I offer two possiblities, two reasons why people who are closer to God might be drawn into depression - and not because of bad things. It's kind of interesting: Our sin nature can twist all the good things God made and use them for evil; but God can always straighten them out again and use them for good. But that's a different topic.

1) They took sin seriously. Look at the Apostle Paul, how much he hated what he had been, and the many things he said about himself. Chief of sinners, wretched man. I believe that the closer people are to God, the more seriously they take sin, the more they understand just how awful it is - the more they see it the same way that God does. They see themselves more clearly and therefore, they see more sin within their lives, and they see sin as far more terrible a thing than most. The world downplays sin, says it's not evil, laughs it off or even applauds it. Sadly, Christians have a tendency to become calloused to sin, and the only remedy I can see is a close relationship with God. Walking with Him makes a person see things more and more as they are and less and less with the blindfold of a sinner's eyes. As they draw closer to God, the Light of the world illuminates and the scales fall away.

Whether this applies to their personal lives and failures or frustration with their ministries and the lack of commitment from those around them or the flippancy with which sin is treated in the world and in the church, is irrelevant. The point is that when we see things as they are, it's easy to be overcome with the extent of depravity and fall into depression. For Martin Luther, a man who possessed a very sensitive conscience, this was a struggle.

2) They loved God. Consider, if you will, that feeling of absolute joy and gratitude that filled your heart when you first believed. Consider the happiness and the flood of love that was so overwhelming and think about how much that love spurred you to want to give your all for the Christ Who saved you. Now He gives you a task and you're excited because you're loving Him with all your heart and strength and mind. And you reach out to do that task. . . and you fail utterly. You think of the disappointment you've just caused Your Father; you mull over the great price that had to be paid for that failure; you consider how grieved the Spirit is, how much you have (or could have) hurt those around you, those other ones who are precious to the Savior, how your action or inaction has brought shame to the body of Christ and pulled down the work of God.

Inevitably, you grieve. You confess. But there is a danger. Not with the grieving, I don't think. Being sorry, truly, deeply repentant, is good. Grief can cause determination. Grief can lead to a closer walk with God, a better rein on the sin nature, a more prayerful life, a better attitude in service. Real, true repentance followed by the joy of God's forgiveness is the initial burst of flame that ignites a Christian's heart in the first place. Holding your failures in front of your eyes is a good reminder to be watchful, to be careful not to think that you stand on your own - to remember that it's through Christ's strength and by God's will that we do this or that.

But that danger I mentioned comes, I believe, from the inability to accept God's forgiveness when asking for it, when confessing, when grieving for the sin. It becomes, "Depart from me, for I am a sinful man, O Lord!" Instead of drawing nearer to God in the warmth of forgiveness and the renewed state of fellowship, the rift remains because we feel unworthy or because we feel defeated. Then, the lack of fellowship sends us into a spiral of depression. Depression debilitates and leads to apathy.

And those, I think, are two reasons why people who are close to God, who we might think should not have a problem with such things, could very easily struggle with depression. Men who are outwardly successful in their ministries, men that we look at and admire for all they accomplished for the glory of God. It is interesting that no matter how close we get in our relationship to God on this earth, that there is always a level for sin to enter in. The Christian who is far from God and close to the world may experience the sin of apathy and a flippant attitude toward sin; the Christian who is striving to serve God with all they are falls prey to the sin of depression because they hate themselves for failing.

We are never safe in this world, but something was very simplified for me in church this morning. I knew it, but not like this, not this clearly, and I certainly had never realized that Christ had said it. And I, being a lover of simplicity, found it quite a lovely thought.

"If ye continue in My Word, then are ye My disciples indeed; and ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." - John 8:31-32 What I hadn't realized before in this way was that continuing in the Word is what reveals the truth, which is what makes us free. In other words, when we stray, we fall. When we follow, we're free.

How simply Christ said things. How complicated we sometimes make it.

Just a Thought

I find it interesting that I feel the need to pray most often while I'm reading the Bible. . . . Usually right smack dab in the middle of a chapter/section, which tends to bother my obsessive compulsiveness. . . . And that's just one more thing I have to submit. Maybe it's God telling me that I'm not being flexible enough in other areas either. That my OC behavior is getting out of control.

This has happened many times (the feeling that I need to pray NOW while in the middle of reading), but I've never really thought about why.

Another thought: I was in a book study back in Michigan and we talked a lot about prayer and Bible reading and how important it is to do it regularly, and keep your mind focused on what you're doing and not let it wander. To a degree, I agree. But isn't prayer a conversation? And pretty much a one-sided one? If prayer is a conversation, then why can't you talk about whatever pops into your head? Why does prayer have to be so structured? The Psalms aren't structured like that. They go back and forth and here and there. They ask questions; the writer addresses themselves and God in the same breath.

I go off on rabbit trails when I'm talking to Zack. Why is it wrong to go off on rabbit trails when talking to God? Are there things I'm not allowed to bring up to Him? That's a ridiculous thought.

I wonder these things because it seems like people want to put rules on praying, and I don't know why. Because we're to reverence Him? But we're also supposed to be able to climb into His lap and say, "Hi, Daddy." And you can do both at the same time. Do you realize that little children speak to their parents in a very scattered way? They'll talk about what they did two minutes ago and then what they did five days ago without a pause. How is it wrong if we do that with God?

Praying is difficult enough for me. Most of the time, I'm not a big talker - with anyone. There are days, of course, where I won't shut up, but most of the time, I don't say a whole lot - I'm a listener. I think this is why reading the Bible is so much easier for me. I love reading the Bible. It's God talking to me. That's why I love hearing preachers - there's something in the message God wants me to hear, for now or something that will get lodged in my brain and come up later.

Basically, I don't think there's anything wrong with letting your mind think about different things, as long as your focus is on communicating with God.

In case it's not clear what I'm talking about, I'll give this example: Women have the tendency of thinking about several different things at once, which means while I'm reading my book, I'm thinking about what I'm going to make for dinner, and when I'm going to sweep the floor, and how warm/cold it's going to be so I can pick an outfit for church tomorrow. Some would say that praying while thinking about all those things is wrong, or at least, improper - not best.

I disagree. Because that means that I can't talk to God about what I'm going to make for dinner and I can't wonder to Him what the weather is going to be like. It's not like God can't keep up with all of my thoughts, like Zack might get lost if I spouted all that one after the other. If I could think a thousand things at once, then He can hear them all too and follow without any issue. So if I'm praying for God to heal someone who's ill and thinking about my daily chores and what I need to do next, I don't think there's a problem. After all, what better Person is there to ask for help in arranging the order of my day so that it's the most efficient? Who else can give me the idea of what to wear because He knows exactly what the temperature is going to be and how I'm going to feel in it? If I can pray for my friend and pray for myself in the same moment (or very close to it), does that make either prayer mean less? Do you have to spend a certain amount of time praying/thinking about a subject for it to be fervent? Is it bad to pray in a short sentence for something pray about three other things and then come back to it? Don't we speak that way all the time?

Here's another question: Does prayer have to be in words, thought or spoken? From Romans 8, I tend to think no. Which means that while I've been typing this and not really had the proper brain power to word a prayer, have I actually, in my heart, been praying for my brother who needs a job, because he's been in my thoughts and on my heart the entire time? Does that count? What constitutes prayer? If you can pray and drive, can you pray and type? How much of your brain/emotions/heart has to be in it for it to count?

I think people make rules about prayer that just aren't there. Prayer is a wonderful gift. I don't think we should try to block it in so much. It has to be done this way or that way; it must last this long; you must pray when you get up in the morning or before you go to sleep. Why?

How can we hope to determine these things without Scripture specifically telling us? Maybe I need to read some books on the subject. . . . . In closing, I stress that these are just my current opinions and not learned ones at that. Just experiential ones.

Missing

There is a family that goes to our church. I've only met two of its members, and until about three minutes ago, I hadn't even realized it. . . . . It's been on the news. The Gallego family. Their baby daughter is missing.

It was hard when it was some people from our church. It was difficult to imagine how I would react if I woke up and my baby wasn't where I had laid it down to sleep. What if the child had a hard time sleeping through the night, and my first thought had been, "Wow, that was a great night's sleep. I'm going to be able to get so much done today"?

I remember with vivid detail the morning that we got the call that my Uncle Dan was missing. He'd gone swimming and hadn't come back. There's an initial panic and then there's a numbness. I remember waiting, pacing around for hours, praying, "Please, don't take my Uncle Dan." I kept praying it over and over, "Not my Uncle Dan. Not my uncle Dan." It was the only thought in my head.

I can't imagine the amplification that my mom felt that day. I can't imagine the amplification that Ramy's parents have felt all of today.

That was all hard. Thinking about a little baby being abducted. Then, the imagining of the panic and the horror. Then, the remembering of things, how I felt during times of loss. And again, more imagining.

But there was a new wave tonight. And that was when I saw a picture of the baby with her mother. . . . I didn't know the people by name, you see, but when we'd had our Easter breakfast at church, Kristin Gallego was doing a lot of the work. She had a very small baby, Ramy, that another of their young daughters had been holding for a while.

The other daughter's arms were tired and Kristin was busy. I held the baby, not knowing her name, or who she was. I felt kind of awkward because I would have been slightly unhappy if I'd found some random woman holding my child.

I saw a picture of Ramy and Kristin and I remembered. I held that baby.

And with that little attachment, that little memory of probably less than ten minutes, everything took on a new view. It hit me like a ton of bricks, and it comes with fresh waves of nausea . . . I held that baby! She was in my arms, content to sit with a stranger while her mother worked. I held her!

And again, I've found my mantra, that repeating phrase in my head. No matter what I think, it goes back to it - "I held her."


Please pray for the Gallego family.

Not the Rapture

Just another day? Kind of, and yet, every day should be held as something good, something special. It's another day with friends and family. It's another day of sunshine or rain, of air to breathe, of work or play - of life. It's another day full of God's goodness to us, where we can enjoy the world that He made and where He's placed us.

I don't know how He does it, but somehow, we've actually made money this month. Sure, we've been careful, but not as careful as we could have been. Sure, we've been working, but not full time. Yeah, we don't have any spending money, but we still have little treats now and then.

It's mind-boggling. He's not just sustaining us; He's growing us. We're not just "making it." We're gaining it. Yeah, we're trying to be smart, but this is not of us. This is God's blessing, and it's hugely humbling. I DON'T deserve this - not, I FEEL like I don't - I really Don't.

Sustaining . . . . We might say that God has promised to provide for us, thus because I am His child, He must take care of me. He's bound to now by His Word, one might argue. That gives the feeling that one deserves it, that one is now entitled. Because God has given me so much, now He MUST give me more!

Such wrong thinking! But I did feel that way.

And He gave us more anyway. . . . What is that verse? The goodness of God leads us to repentance. It's not always hard times that break through hard hearts, I guess. Sometimes, we just need a reminder, "Look. Stop. See what I have done. Remember what I did. See how much more I can give because I AM good."

For He is God and there is none like Him. He is God, and there none else. I don't deserve to be His child, much less be sustained, much less be blessed with extra. And as much as I'd be thrilled for the Rapture, I'm glad He gave me another day to think about that before standing before Him.

Wouldn't it be really funny if the Rapture happened next week? Hehehe. I think it'd be funny. =D

Diet and Exercise

I'm no expert. I've just spent a good deal of my life fighting not to be fat. For a while, I quit fighting and ballooned, and I discovered afterward that the fight is well worth it. Not because I want to look good (thought that is a large motivation), but because the taste of food and the feeling of being full last far less time than the feeling of being fit. Also, I never get heartburn when I'm watching how much I eat, and I HATE heartburn - so that's an amazing perk.

After I got married, I gained, oh, about ten pounds. Now, ten may not sound like a large number. But on a 5' 2'' frame where most of that weight sits in the length of a foot? It makes a big difference. Clothes stop fitting, I get really self-conscious, I want to wear my jackets to cover up, but it's 80 degrees outside, more sweat, everything is uncomfortable, etc. etc. It's just nasty.

Working out is hard. It's hard to get started; it's hard to keep going, especially when you get on the scale and nothing has happened after a few weeks. This is when I have to remember that after so long, my metabolism has slowed and I'm trying to rev it back up, and that doesn't happen in a week or two. That can take months.

My dieting is called calorie-counting. I'm not prone to eating foods that are terrible for me. I'm just prone to eating too much. Some people like bad food - I'm not one of them. I love fruits and vegetables. My downfall is that I like feeling full and fruits and vegetables do NOT fill me up. Pasta and bread will make me feel full and I love both of those - even the kinds that people tell us are really healthy. Cutting down to 1200 calories (which every expert agrees is the lowest a female should go), is a little too far for me. It's unnecessary, I can't stick with it, and then I binge to a terrible degree on cheat day. Overall, it's better for me to eat a little more every day to keep from eating a LOT more on Sunday.

The hardest thing about dieting is that it's all day. Working out? I'd do it for half an hour - maybe a little more, and then it's done. Finished. Don't have to think about it any more. Dieting is not like that. It doesn't end. It's all day, every day, which is why cheat day is so important to me. Cheat day doesn't have to be about eating a ton or not having to exercise at all; it's just about not worrying about it. It's a break from the calculations.

Now I was working out somewhat regularly, cutting my calorie intake down to something more normal, but I wasn't losing weight. It wasn't stable. I'd go up and down and my emotions and determination would go with the scale numbers. But why? Well, the metabolism takes time for one thing. And the other? Too much down time.

I could spend ten to twelve hours a day sitting! And not sitting up tall, using SOME muscle to keep from slouching. Uh-uh. Sitting on a couch. Slouching in a chair at my computer. Leaning back. I wasn't moving except when I exercised. Bad, bad, bad idea. The metabolism doesn't get going that way!

After Zack would leave for work, I would often watch a TV episode - about 44 minutes of commercial-free entertainment. My parents have this walking video with different moves to do in your house in substitute of getting out and going for a walk. I'd done it enough times to know the basic moves and started doing it for half an hour while watching my episode, in addition to the work-outs.

What is this? I'm losing weight!

I'm trying to change my ideas about diet and exercise and it's been helping. I've been focusing less on eating less and focusing on eating when I'm hungry. I've been focusing less on hardcore exercise for half an hour and focusing more on moving all day. We have a little apartment - not a lot of room to move about, but I walk to the store now and then. Sometimes, just to get out and walk. It's takes about fifteen minutes to walk to Goodwill and back. And you know once I'm in there, I can't help but look around. There's more time being up, moving.

This is a website that's been very useful to me. http://www.bmi-calculator.net/bmr-calculator/
I think it was my brother Dave who told me about this idea, and it's been great. Just follow the instructions and it'll tell you exactly what you need to know about how much you should eat. So easy!

The other thing I've been doing is looking up how many calories are burned doing certain things. For instance, playing the piano for an hour burns around 150-180 calories. Whoa! Something I love doing takes care of my bowl of cereal in the morning! Do a Google search on activities that will burn 200 calories. You'd be surprised at some of the things. Jumping rope for 15 minutes. (Made me wish I had a rope to jump. Haha.) The Wii is a great exercise tool - something like 25-30 minutes of Wii Sports. 20 minutes of Tae-bo! Really? I've been doing Tae-bo for years! I never thought it was that good! If I did Tae-bo instead of walking during my nightly episode, I'd burn 400 calories.

This has helped me be way more motivated to do house work. I love efficiency and getting my house clean and my body thinner at the same time is awesome. Somehow, I'm not sure why it didn't occur to me before that it would make such a difference. I guess I just didn't realize that things like standing for half an hour could burn as much as 55 calories. Standing!

My advice for anyone reading this who might want to lose weight: First, figure out how much you eat. That alone may be enough motivation to get you started. Second, go to that BMR website and figure out how many calories you're using and how much you should cut back. I tried to cut back a LOT, and it was harder because then I was hungry all the time. Pick something that you think will work best with your temperament. If you want faster results, you're going to want to cut down to fewer calories. If you're willing to take the time, cut back the calories in increments of maybe a month at a time, until you get to where you should be.

Now for the exercise part: Just get up. Do work around the house. If your house is clean, how's the garage? What about a closet that needs to be cleared out and reorganized? Get out and go for a 45-minute walk with your sweetie or take the kids to the park. You don't have to move fast. Just spend time moving INSTEAD of sitting. Watch TV at night? Get up and walk in place. Do lots of reading? Get up and mull about.

I've taken to walking in place when I read. I sit at my computer enough, so I didn't want to have to sit while I read too. If you purpose to do the little things to help you lose weight, you'll find that much more is getting done, and your metabolism will get used to running all the time. And THAT, I believe, is the key to weight loss. The easiest time I ever had losing weight, was when I'd been walking, swimming, or riding my bike regularly for a year.

Realizations

I think there are few in things in life as satisfying as realizing that something that happened years ago that you couldn't understand, helped prepare you for something later on that you would face.

For instance, when I was living with my parents between 17-21 (ish), I would randomly have nights where I wouldn't be able to sleep. I just would not be tired in body or mind. I would lie in bed for an hour or two waiting to get tired, but it just wasn't happening. So then I'd get up. At two or three in the morning.

Often what I did during this time was clean my room a bit. I would have some energy to burn off - I needed to DO something. So I'd clean and organize and straighten things up.

Now, for someone who's rather aware of the statuses of the rest of the people in the house, this was not a terribly easy thing to do. Straightening requires moving things about. Dusting (which is usually what got done in the wee hours of the morning) requires, at least, picking things up off a shelf and then putting them back down. When the house is silent, when you share a 100 year old wall with your light-sleeping parents, you tend to want to be very quiet when doing anything.

I never knew why I couldn't sleep those nights. I would wonder about it; I would wonder if there was something specific that I needed to be praying about and would spend some time in prayer. And while I fully believe there was an immediate reason for it, it's so cool realizing there was a much longer-term reason as well.

I would have never guessed it was so I would learn what I can and can't clean and do it quietly. But the fact of the matter is that it's coming in handy when my husband works nights and needs to sleep, and we're having company over later in the afternoon. ;)

And that was a fun and reassuring realization that I had this morning. Even the itty bitty details of our lives, that we may never understand, have a purpose - and being God's children, that purpose is for our good and for His glory. :)

Almost made it

Well, the end of April is upon us. I feel like I haven't blogged in forever, but it's actually been less than a month. MIKE hasn't blogged in forever. ;)

We made it in a couple of different ways.

1) Zack has a job now. He's getting paid for going in for orientation today, so it has officially started. Weeee!

2) We made it through the month without needing to turn the AC on. It got difficult there for a few days, but it's been cooler again. I even had a long sleeved shirt on to go to bed last night. It gets hot here, but as long as it cools down for the sleeping time, I'm okay.

3) Unless something weird happens, we'll have spent less than $120 on food this month. That's down from a budgeted $250 that people told us we'd need. Granted, we were given a lot of food this month, too, but I'm relatively certain I can keep us near or under $150 for food every month. We had to get some clothing items with that, too - a very rare extra expenditure.

4) Friday/Saturday will be our three-month anniversary. :) Friday is the date anniversary; Saturday is the week anniversary. In case you were wondering how it could be both. =)

And that is my reporting on the month of April. :)

Sun, Sun, Go Away

And don't come back til the end of May! ;)

It's the Michigan in me talking. =)

It's April Fools Day! The only joke I heard of was the one that Google pulled. Google always does something. Although, I'm kind of waiting for the day when they do something outrageous that is actually true, but then everyone will think it's not true. It's like a backwards, "April Fools!" . . . . . Sloof Lirpa!

Teehee!

Baseball season has apparently started. I keep seeing posts on Facebook about the Padres and the Giants now. . . . . There goes the rest of the year. If only it waited to start until AFTER my birthday. I'm not sure why that would make it better, but somehow it would. I think it's like kind of like having to take a difficult test right before your birthday (something I had to do multiple times). For whatever reason, it'd just be WAY easier to enjoy your birthday if that test came a week later.

But oh well. I like where my birthday is. :) It's on a Thursday this year, too! Thursdays are one of my favorite days. Probably because when I was growing up it was the end of the school week. Friday you just had the leftovers - if you hadn't done them earlier, but Thursday was good because I wasn't bored - I had school - but it was the end. Nothing to dread the next day.

I've been wanting (and trying, though not very hard) to write lately. I have this story. It's the only thing I've written that I would ever want to possibly be published. It's morphed numerous times until it's pretty much nothing like how it started. But I like it better now. The hard part is, I've never written a good story that follows multiple lines. I'm not good at that. I have one stream, one line, that I write. The others are there, but they don't have to be well-defined. I don't know all the details; I just know how they fit in with the one that I'm writing.

This story, I'm trying to write two lines. Only for part of it - the two main characters split up for a while and then rendezvous later - but it's draining the life out of the story because a huge part of what I was writing was their interaction. Pull them apart and suddenly I have nothing to write. It's been frustrating. Also, one of my characters is steadily becoming less and less likable. (Doesn't that look like it should have an "e?" Spellcheck says it shouldn't. . . . It looks weird.) I'm going to have to think of a way to make her cool-ish again.

Anyway. Enough about me. Tell me about you! =) ;)

Nameless

I haven't thought of a suitable name for this one yet. Probably because I haven't tried very long to think of something. Like most of my poems, it has a story behind it, but this one more than others. Usually, they just come from something I've been thinking about. This one actually happened because of circumstances.

Maker, I fall down at Your feet
Broken by Your chast'ning hand
Purified by the trial's heat
In my strength, I cannot stand.

Oh once again, I've failed You so
Spurned Your Word and left Your grace.
Once again, Lord, but now I know -
It's not I who wins the race

There is nothing left of me
Nothing that I once did own
Nothing that I once could be
Nothing can I do alone.

Nothing special, nothing good.
Are all my talents, time, and skill,
But Father if You wished, You could
Use me for Your perfect will.

Oh my Lord, if there is aught
If anything of use in me
It's only if that You have taught
And made me that which I should be

There is nothing left of me
Nothing that I once did own
Nothing that I once could be
Nothing can I do alone.

There is nothing I can do best.
And nothing You cannot replace.
My life is Yours, in You I rest
Will You change my sorry case?

Will You choose to work through this clay?
Would You give a task to do?
Will You ready my heart today?
That I might praise only You.

There is nothing left of me
Nothing that I once did own
Nothing that I once could be
Nothing can I do alone.

The story:
I've been told during my life that I was good at things. A natural! In Michigan, I sang and played the piano and people told me that I was good. Someone once said that I had the most beautiful voice they'd ever heard. I tried not to let it go to my head, but inevitably, I believed what people said about me. They told me I was good; I knew I wasn't great, but I could believe I was good.

The first thing to go was my skill as a pianist. I went to school and found out just how not good I was. Talented? Skilled? Not really. I'd always known that people didn't really know because they couldn't play, but it was different when I went into my piano lessons with a teacher at college who wasn't just happy that I had practiced, a teacher who in fact, was often rather not happy with my lack of progress.

Next went my vocal ability. I came to California and all kinds of people sing well. I was nothing special. I was nothing great; I hardly made it into normal. I am not a skilled singer. I fit in with the crowd, completely superfluous.

Then, there was trying to learn how to drive a stick-shift. . . . I'm a good driver, I thought. I've never been pulled over, never been in any real car accidents, etc. etc. I'm a good driver. . . . who can't learn how to use her left foot. And then I remember all the times that I nearly caused accidents on the way to and from school, all the times I pulled out in front of someone or switched lanes without checking my blind spots. I'm a GOOD driver? I don't think so. But God is a merciful God.

Lastly, the real kicker that is actually kind of comical, but brought the whole thing home: skiing. In Michigan, I'd been told multiple times, since the first time I went skiing, that I was good at it. I had a natural talent for it. I went skiing on an actual mountain this past Tuesday, and I found out I'm not a good skier. I'm a good faller. I fell in spectacular ways and skied with less skill than my husband who'd never worn skis before that day.

But there is a bright side to all of this. Despite my lacking in skill, talent, or ability, God still decided to save me. And that means He has a job for me. I've no idea what it is, and I'm probably not going to be good at it. But there's a job He wants me to do. I just have to wait for it.

SNOW????

I'm cold. Also, I'm hungry. But that's a good thing. I need that bloated belly to shrink a little bit. I've been on pretty much a constant binge since the wedding. Not. Good.

I kind of want to go to bed. But I kind of want to see my husband. Since I'm still awake, unless he gets overtime, I'm thinking that I'm going to see him. :) Or my body could do something totally crazy and fall asleep on me for the first time in ages without me having to try to fall asleep. . . . That would be somewhat bizarre.

You know what else is bizarre? Snow in CaliLand. There's a chance it may snow this weekend. I'ma be honest - I'm getting excited. Not so much because of the snow, but because of the implications. This would be the first time in twenty some years that it's snowed in this area. . . . And it just happens to be my first winter living here? I don't believe in coincidence.

Either way, it's pretty cool. Either way, it's a good reminder that God loves me. And likes me.

God likes me. . . . That's an interesting concept that I still haven't quite wrapped my head around. The loving part, I get - probably as much as I'm ever going to. I understand that part because I can love people that I don't particularly like. It's a lot more choice-related, in my head, and if I have the will-power to choose to love someone, God sure does.

But a college teacher once told my class that God likes us. . . . It still blows my mind, because that means a whole lot more. Not necessarily anything better or more profound. It's just a lot more added to what was already amazing and profound. And since it's not directly stated in the Bible like that, I have a harder time believing it. But it does say that He calls us friends. I tend to like my friends. . . . That's mostly why they're my friends. . . . Sometimes I love them, too.

But I'm also part of His family now. And family, I love. So I'm His friend and He likes me, and I'm His daughter and He loves me. . . . . Still totally amazing me. . . . And I've been thinking about it on and off for years now. . . . Yeah. I don't know if I'm ever going to get over this one. That's probably okay, I would think. =)

Totally unrelated, the podcast thing, "What You Ought To Know" is hilarious. The Brothers Winn do it. Clean, funny, informative. I'm a fan and becoming more of one every time I watch some of their stuff. I think I probably watched about thirty of their clips today.

And the dude's speech patterns have been seared into my head and my own thoughts are coming out that way now. . . . It's rather interesting. It feels like that one time I watched Harry Potter and then the rest of the night I was thinking in a British accent.

And this is pretty much a big ramble. If you've read this far, I'm guessing your name is Zack. Or you were really, really bored. Sorry. I'll try not to ramble so much again. Not that there is anyone left at this point to apologize to. . . . Maybe I'll put it at the top of the next post. . . . That should work.

Another one???

I've been blogging a lot lately, I know. . . . It's not really my fault. I only have so much time when I can talk to people. Zack is here in the mornings and I get to chat with Mom and Kate a couple times per week. Really, that's not that much talking. So. Here I am again. /shrug

This one is about being married. (This is rated E for Everyone. ;))

It's awesome. Being married, not the blog post. . . . (The blog post might be awesome, but I'll let you be the judge of that.) It's simply and amazingly wonderful. It's everything I thought it would be, and it's even better now that I'm living it. I'm usually one for nostalgia, the good ole days, etc. Not right now. Life has never been better.

This is not to say that I don't miss my family, friends, and church, or that I'm not ridiculously grateful for all of those things - because I am - but right now is . . . what I've always wanted. For longer than I can remember, I wanted to be married. Just married. Not with a house or with kids or with stuff. That was all extra which changed, sometimes from day to day, sometimes from phase to phase, with my mood/state of being. But I always wanted to be married.

Now I am. It's awesome. Great. Wonderful. Incredible. Perfect. :) I can't think of enough adjectives. I can't remember a time I've had this much overflowing joy that was sustained for so long. Oh, I'm sure it's going to get dented, and it'll probably fade a little bit in at least some aspect as time continues. But right now, it's in full force and it's gushing out. And I just wanted to post that marriage is wonderful, and I'm so happy that God made it, and that He gave me a husband. =) God is just so good to me.

How Does She Know?

My husband loves me. :) I know he loves me, and not only because he tells me. Not only because he does nice things for me. Not only because he goes to work everyday in order to take care of me. Not just because he's extra sweet when I'm sick, or because he cuddles even though he knows full well that he's probably going to get my cold from me.

Not only because he buys me a rose on Valentine's Day AND buys me blueberry bagels (along with other things) just because. Not only because he asks for my opinion on things. Not only because he worries about my well-being.

I know he loves me more than anyone else (physical realm, we're talking) because he wants to know me so much. He hates it when I say "never mind", not because he's jut a really curious person, but because he just wants to know what I'm thinking. And he tries so hard to make me happiest, as happy as he can, as happy as I can be. Sadly, I really don't make it very easy for him. And he loves me anyway.

There's a funny song from the movie Enchanted. "How Does She Know He Loves Her?" Something like that. It's a fun song. I like it. And this blog explains how I know. :)

At least, partially.

Valentine's Day

Maybe it's because my parents never made a big deal about it. Maybe it's because I really am contrary like they always told me, so I don't like having my emotions scheduled by someone else. Maybe I'm just a cynic - I have been told that I'm pessimistic. I'm not sure what it is, but Valentine's Day is just not that great. Nor that bad.

I don't remember it being a big deal when I was single. Some people, usually single people, make it out like it's there to purposefully rub in their face that they're alone. I remember a time period of probably a few years where I held that view, but I think it was more of a jumping on the bandwagon thing. Mostly, it's been just another day to me.

Funny thing: now that I have someone, it's still just another day. Haha. It's not great without someone; it's not really that awesome (by itself) with someone. It's just a day. Tomorrow will probably be a better day 'cause Zack doesn't have to work tomorrow.

I'd so much rather have flowers because my husband was thinking about me than because he was thinking about it being Valentine's Day. Don't get me wrong, I'll take flowers for pretty much any reason, and I'll enjoy them and take care of them and smell them practically fourteen times a day. But they're just more special if it's just "because." Occasions are nice. But they're practiced. This is what we do on birthdays - dinner, cake, presents. Birthdays are fun; dinner is delicious; cake is amazing; presents are often clothes. . . .

But spontaneous is beautiful. Spontaneous is memorable. Spontaneous is when your mom brings you home a CD from Goodwill because she thought you would like it, and doesn't save it for an occasion, just gives it to you then and there. It's special because there's no "reason" for it, except that they love you.

Continuing with that example, I had a CD collection in my car; I lived in a little town and left my doors unlocked and consequently, my CDs were stolen. It was worth about $150, if I remember right. You know the CD that I was saddest about? The one from Goodwill that was probably $1.99 that my mom got me just because. 'Cause that wasn't something I asked for; it was just something she did. (I have the greatest Mama, by the way.)

To sum up: Practiced is good and reliable and fun. Spontaneous is beautiful and more memorable. Personally, I'm happy with the reliable things that I have. I don't really need to add Valentine's Day to it. I'd really rather that Zack save the money and buy me something in the middle of July when there's absolutely nothing going on. Hehe.

Just to be clear, none of the specialness of spontaneous actions of love negate the joy of the reliable things. I just think that a good mixture is best, and often, because the reliable things are the practiced things, the spontaneous are the ones that get left out. It's much more rare that people don't celebrate birthdays when they ARE randomly doing nice things for each other.

How can this be?

Nine hours of sleep and my eyes still feel tired. It's just not right.

I'm getting a piano today!!!!! =D I'm so excited. I haven't been this excited since two weeks ago! I'm going to have a piano again!!!! EeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! =D

And now for something new, which I am going to try to keep up with. This segment of the blog will be named. . . .

Something new my husband has taught me: Peanut Butter and Honey sandwiches are delicious. I wouldn't have believed it, but I wanted something sweet that wasn't chocolate. We didn't have any marshmallows (at the time; this situation has been rectified; Mom, you were right), and the closest thing I could think of was honey. As Zack had spoken of them multiple times, I decided that I would try one of those PB&H sandwiches. Turns out they're wonderfully yummy. Thanks, Sweetie. :)

And that's all my poor eyes can take for now. (And it's pretty much all that I can think to write, too.) I really think I need new glasses. Either that or some clouds. Or something. . . . Carrots? Nah, that's just for night vision, right? Oh well.

Piano. Piano. Piano. Piano. =D

It's About Time

For a new post!

This trip was the first time that anything has broken in transit and it happened twice. :/ I knew I should have packed those things differently too. That's the real kicker. Actually, I don't know what's worse. When you do something with a strong feeling of what the outcome is going to be, or when something happens and you're totally blind-sided. Anyone have an opinion on that?

It's perpetually sunny here. I had hoped with it being sorta winter still that they might have more clouds, weather where I can actually wear long-sleeved shirts, etc. But that was obviously not to be. (I really need to clean our slider. . . ) Consequently, I'm very happy to stay in all day on occasion, even if it LOOKS very tempting. I know that I probably won't enjoy going out onto our balcony to stand in the sun.

Please pray that I can find a part-time job. I don't really want forty hours, but I know I'm going to get bored here pretty quickly. With Zack working ten hours, I really only have to make three meals a week. Supper on Tuesdays and Saturdays and dinner on Sunday. Which is perfectly fine with me. Haha. I'm not much of a cook. . . . But that doesn't give me a whole lot to do aside from clean. And I pretty much cleaned the whole apartment in about two hours today. While some of it IS stuff that I can do every day, some isn't. There just really isn't a whole lot of sense to sweeping the floor every single day.

I've been craving weird things lately. Like honey. I never eat honey; usually I don't even like it. Honeymoon baby? Probably not, but the possibility of me getting pregnant is always there in my head now. It's kind of weird to think about.

I really want a book. A good book. A fantasy book. I don't think we have any here. Not one. Maybe we'll go to the library.

Have to start working on getting my name changed tomorrow. Sounds like it's really easy. Just going and standing in line for a while, filling out a form, and voila! Hope it's as simple as it sounds and that the lines aren't really long.

Well, there you have it. My first blog post as a married woman. I'm married. It's pretty awesome. :)

Send Me Anywhere

When I was very little, I used to pretend a lot in my head. I was too self-conscious to do the talking and thinking aloud, but I would come up with very detailed futures for myself, realistic or fantastic. Sometimes I would imagine myself an android, like Data. Yes, I was a Trekkie at an early age. Sometimes, I had a little brother named Gideon and my parents had been kidnapped.

The more real ones, I always imagined myself far away from home - alone. That was actually a common theme in real or make-believe. No parents, no older siblings. If there was anyone, it was someone depending on me. Maybe it was because I had a tendency to feel alone, so that was the way I always thought I would be. Maybe I wanted to be the one in charge. I do know it wasn't because I WANTED to get away from my family because I didn't. I loved my family; I always have, always will. But it was always a given with me that I was going to leave.

I was practicing singing for church tonight, and I came across two of my very favorite songs. One, Here Am I Lord, I'd known since I was very small and we had our first Patch the Pirate tape (Goes to the Jungle). I knew that song very very well. I loved that song. I'd prayed that song throughout my life. I wanted to be a missionary's or an evangelist's wife. I wanted to travel and be used of God. More recently, I came to know another song, Lord, Send Me Anywhere. The chorus is a quote from David Livingston:

"Lord, send me anywhere, only go with me.
Lay any burden on me, only sustain me.
Sever any tie, save the tie that binds me to Thy heart.
Lord Jesus, my King, I consecrate my life, Lord, to Thee."

I learned those words at college. I sang them and I meant them, but I never dreamed how much I would be tested by them. If I had, I probably would have assumed I was ready for it. Haha. Naive.

I have ties to family, friends, memories, The Farm, Michigan itself. They're not all exactly being severed, but they're definitely getting stretched or thinned. Ties to many of my friends HAVE been severed. The message boards? Yeah, they're gone. The friends that went with them? Gone, except for a random comment here and there on Facebook. If my parents are right and the U. S. is about to collapse financially, ties to family may well be severed, too, and to Michigan.

"I only have one life and that will soon be past.
I want my life to count for Christ
What's done for Him will last."

It's a harder song to sing now. If God decided to test it by severing my tie to Zack? It's a scary thought. And yet. . . there's a comfort knowing that if He did that, He'd be there to get me through, like He has been with moving to Cali. God be thanked and praised, I still meant those words when I sang them tonight, sitting at my beloved piano, in our kitchen on a snowy, winter night in good ole Michigan, my little sister standing next to me, singing them with me, my dear, dear mama in the background working on flowers for the wedding.

Here, have a poem.

It's missing something. . . . Oh well. Have it anyway. ;)

My loving Father God above
I bow down at your throne
In prayer, I come to worship You
In the way You have made known

And as I come with heart made right
I bring my woes and cares
And with a soul You've made contrite
I tell You all my prayers

I thank You for all You have done
You've held me in Your hand
You've fed me, clothed me, kept me safe
You've lifted me to stand.

I ask for things, for self and friends
My fears I speak to You
Sometimes I cannot voice my needs
But I know You hear thoughts, too.

And then I reach the end of my list
I pause, my hopes pulse bright
For there my greatest request I see
Lord, come again in might!

O, Father, how I long to see
The day of Christ appear
O, Father, I know it will be.
Christ's coming is drawing near!

Oh for me to see the day
The day You meet us there
Oh for me from death to stray
To meet You in the air.

Up in the clouds, we'll fly to You
As You descend to Earth
What a greeting that will be
Full of joyfulness and mirth.

And so my God, I ask in earnest
Please come again, I pray
Come once and take us home with You
Come again on Judgment Day.