New Year, New Look

Only took me forever to figure out how to change my template. I'm blind. Or tired. . . . Hope you like it. :)

Now go read last year's last entry. ;)

Happy 2011!

Last Chance

Well, the New Year is about 44 minutes away, and this is my last chance to get another blog entry in for the grand year of 2010. It has been a good one. A lot has happened. I introduced my boyfriend to my parents. I got flowers from him for Valentine's Day. My totally adorable niece and nephew were born this year. I got engaged. I turned 21. And that was all in the first half of the year. Haha.

I wrote a 50,000 word novella in less than a month. I was in one of my best friend's weddings. :) I addressed and mailed a whole bunch of invitations. Hehe. I threatened my fiance's brother numerous times. *evil grin* I got my first apartment, even though I won't be moving in for a month yet. Yes, it's been a good year. I liked it, and I'll probably miss it enough to put the wrong date on a few checks. . . Always happens. . . .

Some people look back on a year and say, "I have no regrets!" I don't understand those people. Haha. I have regrets. I have regrets from today, much less from an entire year. But the good part is that though this is the last chance for this year, is isn't the last chance to do better. I can do better tomorrow and next week and next year. If I do, it's only because God gave me the grace to do so. If I do, it's only because some of the lessons that He's been pounding into my head finally sink in. (I'm starting to wonder if that ever happens. . . .)

So I look forward to tomorrow, having time with family that I probably won't be able to see much during the rest of my life, hearing about my fiance moving into OUR apartment (that's so much fun to say, =D), figuring out exactly what I'm going to put in the Middle, because I still haven't done that. . . . Hmm.

It's going to be a new year. I expect it to be kind of hard, kind of long, kind of stretching. I expect it to be uncomfortable at times. I expect it to be humiliating at times, 'cause I'm going to need it. But all in all, I know that no matter how difficult it is, how much I miss my family, how mundane doing the dishes is going to get (right now it's still a very exciting thought to do OUR dishes in OUR place, hehe), and so much more. . . . I'm going to have two things: God and Zack.

Next year is going to have the day in which my longest-lasting goal comes true, and I get my Zack permanently. =) And that was all I've ever wanted. :)

Oh snaps. . . . .

I just ate three strands of delicious red Twizzlers.
It's good to be home. :)

And I have a 100,000 candy bar waiting for me later. :) Ah, Fall Fest candy. A tradition I shall have to continue. I also have half a bag of pretzels from my gentleman admirer. He keeps me salty to make sure I don't get headaches. (I have a strange body.)

But anyway.
Here I am, sitting at my computer with less than six weeks until I get married. . . . . This is a new kind of bizarre. The rational, logical side of me says, "Well, duh, you're getting married. You've known that for at least eight months now. What's the big deal?" The more emotional, flighty, "eeeeeeeeeee!"ing side of me is less. . . stable. Haha. It is more freaking out. "What am I supposed to be doing? There's got to be something I need to do! I should be making lists! I should have every little detail planned out and ready to go as soon as it's needed! There's less than six weeks!!!!"

It talks in exclamation points at this time. Sometimes even caps, which gets tiresome and then I have to close it up in the back room. Most of the time it doesn't notice for a while and I get a nice break.

I really can't think of anything that MUST get done now. The only thing I can think to work on is the music selection, which I'm slightly putting off because. . . Well, because I have a hard time choosing. I like so many things and most of them are not particularly happy/wedding sounding. I tend to like the pieces that tug my heartstrings, not necessarily the ones that make me want to do a Snoopy Dance. (Although the latter most definitely has a place and a time.) Maybe I'll have Kristin play Linus and Lucy. . . . Haha. That would be amazing for the reception. . . . =)

But I digress.
Actually, it's my blog, I think I can ramble if I want to.
But I don't want to now.
Still digressing.

I'm getting married in less than six weeks. . . . I'm freaking out. =)

Overflowing

I sit here, listening to my Pride and Prejudice soundtrack, thinking. I can smell the conditioner in my hair still - it smells fruity, and I like it. I'm surrounded by my stuff - piano figurines from my mom, a horse from my grandma, a hummingbird thing from Aunt Joy, and a bunch of clothes. I have books, and stuff, and pretty things, and shoes, and jewelry - oh, the jewelry! I have everything I need to live, and so much more.

And that's just the material stuff.

I have family - even more now. Not just my immediate family, or Dad's side and Mom's side, but Zack's Mom's side and his Dad's side. And church families. Friends that are like family. And I have Zack. There's a lot that goes into those words. . . . I have someone who will care for me and about me like no other person ever has or ever will, someone who wants to hear my dumb stories not only because he likes knowing all the insignificant details that go into my day, but because he likes to hear me talk.

And that's just the human stuff.

I have a God Who loves me, so much that He gave His Son to buy me back. He adopted me and made me His child. He engraved my name on His hand. He gave me His Word so I can know Him; He gave me brothers and sisters, so we can meet together and worship Him, and share all that He's done for us; He gave me a beautiful world to live in, blue skies, and crashing thunderstorms, and indescribable sunsets over water so reflective it looks like it's burning as much as the sky; He gave me fuzzy animals to take care of and to love and to pet; He gave me technology and airplanes so I can fly and visit the people I love.

And my heart is overflowing with love and gratitude and amazement.

Another poem

There must be something about Sundays. I guess they get me thinking. This started yesterday, not in writing, but in my head. Zack pointed out some things to me and it kind of began a snowball effect. I have a feeling it's not done yet, but the poem is. I don't think it's flowy/polished as the previous one.

My Failure and Prayer

I have failed once again
I turned my back on God and then
I looked and saw myself and grinned
I looked in pride and how I sinned!
My arms were raised, my head held high
To God I would not call or cry
No help from others did I seek
I found no reason to be meek
In pride and arrogance I thought
I needed nothing others taught.
Oh, look at this, what I became!
Look what I've done to His dear name!

I stopped my mind and closed my ears
To all the things I'd learned for years.
In foolishness, I thought I stood
My eyes were covered like a hood
By sin, my own, my wicked works
The darkness that within me lurks
I stole, I lied, I put self first
And I completely lost my thirst
I didn't want the precious food
I grew conceited, mean, and rude
I lost the joy of serving Him
As I rebelled, my eyes went dim.
I thought I prayed, but now it's clear
To heav'n my words I did not steer.
I prayed to self! I spoke and praised
In wicked blindness, I was crazed.
Could not see the way I went
Couldn't hear what God's Word meant.
Did I lie, or was I blind?
Did I know within my mind?
Of what I did, was I aware?
I never took the time to care.
I didn't think; I didn't stop
Put forth my hand and took the sop.
Oh wretched heart! I've been deceived!
And all my fault; for I'd received
The word that told me not to trust
Myself, my heart, my sinful lust.

I don't remember choosing it;
Somehow I woke inside the pit.
Looking back now I can see
The way my focus was on me
Not for the glory of my God.
So I fell 'neath His chast'ning rod.
Oh, Father God, don't let it stay!
Please don't let me live this way!
Change me as You only can
Remove from me the former man
Shape me into something new
Make me to reflect but You
Not a part of self to show
The sin root out, make me like snow.
Use those you have placed around
Help me now adore the sound
Of their voices, dear and kind
As they guide me toward Your mind
Please, my Father, Abba, please!
Hear me praying on my knees
Take pity on Your child, her need
Back to Your side, please safely lead.
Let me ne'er forget the hole
That fills me when sin takes its toll.
I pray, my God, my Lord, my King
Return to me the joy to sing
Fill me once again with You
A contrite heart in me, renew.
And hold me closely to Your heart
Please never let me move apart.

What Would You Be?

This topic has been in my head for a while now, due to some situations in life, but it decided to take verse this morning during Sunday School. I scrawled a few lines down so I wouldn't lose them and then came home and finished it after lunch. I couldn't decide which name to use, so that's why the title of the poem and the title of the blog differ.

What I Would Be

Can you see what I would be,
If God had no mercy on me?
Can you hear the words I'd say
If He'd not come to me that day?
See the look and hear the tone
Watch the deeds done when alone
In the dark - even in light!
Too proud and base to hide til night.
So lifted up in my own view
The things I'd do would change the hue
Of the purest flower of white
To deepest blush of red in sight
I can see it in my mind
As if it happened years behind
Oh great depravity of man!
How to my sins I clung and ran
As far from God as I could be
Ev'n to drown in the deepest sea.
And once in Hell, my bed all made
I'd look afar and see them laid
The bride of Christ bowed at His feet
And Him upon the highest seat
Down far below as anguish tore
I'd watch as His white robes they wore
The robes of Christ, His righteousness
And I would burn righteous-less
For all the deeds I'd done in life -
Steal and lie and stir up strife
Hate and kill, no love within
Except for self and my dear sin
All my guilt would stay on me
For ever and eternity
There in the dark and endless doom
There in the fire and heavy gloom
Oh I can see what awaited me!
For I know what I would be
If not for the grace of God
I'd die forever under the rod
Of punishment, my just reward
For not accepting Christ my Lord
For rebellion, I would pay
On that terrible judgment day
But in His mercy, Jesus came
And I have never been the same
His love has changed me thru and thru
By His grace, I'm made anew
Do you know what you would be?
That crumbling path, can you see?
The one you walked before He came?
The one you'd crawled when you were lame,
And sick, infirmed, and deeply blind
Before Christ was ever in your mind?
Do you know where you would rest?
Still on earth, or in fire's crest?
Would you have died long ago?
If not for God's protecting you so?
I think at times we lose this sight
We think we would have been alright
We forget the change He's worked within
We forget the bondage we'd had to sin
And then because we're thinking wrong
We have no joy and inner song
We speak to those who's lives are torn
And without love we speak in scorn
Forgetting that we'd be alike!
If Christ had not accepted the spike
If He'd not taken me from that path
I, too, would be inciting His wrath
And so would you, my Christian friend
We would have met that same dark end
We would have lived and died accursed
Don't think the lost are the worst.
Who can tell if I'd not have been
Hitler or Stalin, murderous men
And what of you, do you know
The depths of sin that you can sow?
What new twisted way you may have gone?
God's prophet assunder you might have sawn.
So think it through and when you're done
I hope you'll see and to Christ you'll run
Reminded that you couldn't be good
Without God's help, burn you would.
And to the lost, who can't abstain
From sinning, imbuing their lives with pain
Take pity, be kind, share God's gift
Perhaps He'll decide them to lift
Up to Heav'n, adopting them
And together, we'll bow at His hem.
Children of God, every one
Bound together by the death of His Son.

Tribute to my Honorary Sisters

I was looking through some pictures on Facebook, thinking about people, and I realized how many examples of godly women I have around me. So here is a clip of specific people for whom I thank God. Some family, some friends - equals with me, not people in authority above me. (Order does not indicate importance. You have all been instrumental in my life.)

First up, the person with whom I've enjoyed friendship for the length of my life. My older sister, sometimes my rag doll gal, Ashlie Lockwood (Ragan). She is the sweetest, meekest person I know. She's fun, quick to laugh, and my only rub is that I never felt like I was good for her like she was for me. I can't count the times that she would say or do something that would utterly amaze me. Truly my BEST friend.

Second, Stephanie Ragan (also soon to be a Lockwood). (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) We had some rough times early on - at times, the large age gap made things . . . difficult, to put it gently. But when I went to college, Steph was there for me. We cried, we laughed, we sat in her car talking till her gas was starting to run out because we had to have the heater on. . . . College without Steph's company would have been nearly unbearable. And from her I learned the pros and cons of being everybody's friend. (Not that I've really ever been in the running for that. . . . )

Then there's Jessica Daniels. College Roommate with whom I had the most in common. I'm not sure how it happened, but somehow, we opened up to each other more than anyone else - at least while I was there. (I think she may have found a replacement after I moved back home. ;) :)) Of all my roommates, I expect to keep in contact with her longest. Someone to enjoy fantasy novels with that isn't a guy. Someone who likes clouds as much (or more!) than I do. A ridiculously generous person who was always kind enough to lend me her khaki skirt. And, random fact, we had the exact same shirt. Haha. :)

And there you have it. I could continue, and perhaps I will add to this list as my life goes on and I develop new honorary sisters, or decide to add in some of the older ones in a "part two." We'll see. For now, I've satisfied my urge to write.

Humanity

Much like my blog about shyness, this post is most likely going to be full of my experience with things and generalized statements, often stated as fact. Don't let it fool you: this is just my blog, and my opinion. Feel free to try to change it if you dare. ;)

There's a phrase I've heard quite a lot. It's said by people - lost or found -, it's quoted from movies, and it's an idea that has permeated our thinking. It is this: Humanity is flawed. It's not often said that way, but that's the idea. Someone does wrong and we say, "Only human." I take issue with this for two reasons:

1. It makes is sound like humanity STARTED that way; like it's inseparable from mankind.
2. It removes personal accountability. It's not me; it's my whole species.

1. Now, I have to be careful because on the one hand, sin is now inherent within us, and it is demonstrated abundantly through our physical/mental/emotional - human - desires. BUT, sin is not part of humanity. We know this because before the Fall, Adam was perfect. We know this because Christ became a man. Sin is not necessary for humanity, nor humanity for sin. (Angels fell, too.) It's not humanity which makes us sin, even when the sin nature has become so embedded in our humanity - our wills, our emotions, our reasoning, etc.

We'll still be humans after we've been glorified, when we have new bodies and new hearts, when we're perfect. We're not going to turn into angels or something. We'll just be CLEAN humans.

2. It happened multiple times when I was working that people would talk about their problems, about someone who wronged them, or something they did to others, and it would get . . . shrugged off by using this excuse. "Oh, well. I'm just human." People have no idea what humanity is SUPPOSED to be, what it should mean, what it should look like. We're image-bearers of GOD! It's not "JUST human." God the Son, the King of kings and Lord of lords is human. Just human?

No, no. Not JUST human. I'm human - that means Christ came to save ME. He didn't become an angel and die to save them; He became a man. Humanity is not the problem. It's the sin nature. Don't blame what you do on your humanity; blame it on your sin; own it. And understand that while you will always be human, you can be free of the sin.

We've come to expect that sin will happen (that's just common sense), but then we move to accept it. There's no other option if we're not thinking properly. If HUMANITY is the problem, there is no hope for me EVER. I'm always going to be human. However, when humanity is not the problem, when it's simply the means by which we SEE the real malady, then we can understand, there's hope. I can be cured by the One Who became human and showed what humanity is supposed to look like, and one day will again.

Facebook Status

"Faith jumps in the wheelbarrow."

I think this illustration has been circulated already, so you'll probably get it before I reach the end of the explanation. But for whatever reason it really struck me on Sunday morning, and it's been in my head a lot.

Illustration:
There's a tight-rope-walker who sets up his show over the Niagara Falls. He walks over and back, then does it using different items to balance himself. He asks the cheering crowd if they think he can do it with a wheelbarrow, and they shout, "Yeah! Yeah! DO IT!" So he does. Then he asks if they think he can do it with a full load of things, and again they cheer him on. And again, he makes it. He asks if they believe he can make it with a person in the wheelbarrow and they cheer. So he asks for a volunteer. The crowd goes silent.

Real faith jumps in the wheelbarrow. It doesn't just believe that the guy can take someone across in a wheelbarrow; it acts on it. It puts itself in the care of whatever it's depending on. The wheelbarrow, the rope, the guy. Faith jumps in. :)

I'd been struggling with something as of late. A question of, "Where is the line? Have I passed it? Am I pushing it? Am I being over-sensitive? Am I making trouble where there isn't any?" I'd been praying for a few days for God to help me, to show me. He did this morning. Not the way I'd have chosen to be sure, but it was an answered prayer, and I can honestly say I'm thankful for it (only by God's good grace).

You may wonder what that has to do with the tight-rope illustration. Well, I'll try to tie it in (pun intended). Faith doesn't only jump in the wheelbarrow. Faith STAYS in the wheelbarrow. Faith doesn't look around and think, like Peter, "This is crazy! I'm going to die!" and try to cross alone. Faith says, "I can't see where to go; I need You to push me. All I can hear is the roar of the water; I need Your voice to give instructions. I need Your help not to flail, not to fear, else I'll make this trip rough and bumpy for myself when in Your hands it could be smooth." Faith puts it all with Him.

Now? It doesn't really matter if I had crossed a line. If I hadn't, it never hurts to be farther away from sin. If I had, God be thanked, praised, and adored that He already paid for it on the cross. I'm His girl. I don't know if guys really understand those words. I don't even know my dad understands what that means for me to be his girl. But I know my mama does. She was her dad's girl.

How stupid would it be to try to jump out of the wheelbarrow. It's only when we lose sight of who we are compared to Who He is. . . . He's not just an expert. He's Almighty God. He doesn't need to walk a tight-rope. He can turn it into a street of gold and fly if He wants. Even if it feels like I'm falling, or if I'm getting jarred about, as long as He's got the handles, I'm safe. And even if I can't feel Him directing, He's promised to never leave me. I'm always in His hands.

I'm His girl.

Honor the King

I think we (everyone who reads this blog) all know we're supposed to respect those in authority over us. I think we understand it's a scriptural principle that we submit to whoever is above us. And let's be honest, everybody has someone who's above them on the ladder.

First, I think we need to stop viewing that as a bad thing.

(I going to pause for a moment and make sure that everyone understands this blog is my opinion based on my view of how things are. If I say something is the way it is, I don't mean it as a blanket statement - I mean it's how I've seen things in general. Also, I'm not trying to say that you shouldn't seek to better your life or your job.)

It seems that often people complain about their bosses. How they did something stupid, got away with this or that, lost customers because they didn't know what they were talking about, promoted or fired someone for inappropriate reasons, etc. But remember, we're put under our bosses for a reason. Instead of complaining about what's going on, remember that God is in control of it all. Look for the good in it. Find something - it's there. God is good to His children all the time. He's never a bad Father, giving us something we don't need, or taking away something we do.

Respect God's control and sovereignty, and you'll find that you start to properly respect those above you. Your boss, parents, policemen, state and federal legislatures, judges, the President, etc.

I've started doing something that I'm not sure anyone has picked up on. If they have, no one has commented. But I began noticing a while ago that people, in general, don't call the President the President. In fact, most of the time they just call him "Obama." Not even "Mr."

Where I come from, using Mr. and Mrs. are appropriate signs of respect for those a generation older than you (about 20 years, is the idea, I think). People don't even use that much of a title for the LEADER of our NATION. Why? Because we don't like that God put President Obama over us? Because we don't like him? Because we don't think he deserves our respect?

But I think it's even deeper than that because we didn't call President Bush by the proper title all the time either. A lot of the time, he was just "Bush." It's simply a lack of respect for the position of authority over me. It's not anything about whether or not I like him, or dislike him, think he's killing the nation or helping it, whether I think he's right or wrong, whether he's a Christian or a Muslim. No matter what he's doing, or what he is on all those levels, he is my President. And that all by itself should be enough for me to refer to him as such, giving him the proper title.

Honor the king. If you don't, are you really honoring The King?

Shyness

I've had two questions going around my head recently. What is shyness? And, is it really bad? I've heard a lot of people reference it, but it has seemed to me that many people have differing understandings of what the word means. Perhaps the word means them all? Or are they different connotations? What does it really mean?

According to the dictionary, shy as an adjective =

1. bashful 2. easily frightened away; timid 3. suspicious; distrustful 4. reluctant; wary 5. not at ease in the company of others

1. Being shy is being easily embarrassed. What's the most common reason people get embarrassed? I'd submit that it's because they're afraid of something. Sometimes, they should be afraid. They're ashamed of their sin and the consequences it will bring. But "easily embarrassed" sounds more like, embarrassed because I misspoke in front of people. That's either a lack of humility or an over-abundance of fear of man.

2. Easily frightened away. Not just easily frightened. Frightened so much that you can't keep moving forward. Frightened enough that you turn around and run. Being shy isn't just being afraid. Being shy is needing to get away from whatever is frightening you. It's not fear - it's a lack of courage in the face of fear.

3. Suspicious - inclined to suspect others, especially of evil. Hard to trust others, to take them at face value. Always looking for an angle. (This type of shyness can be cultivated in people by the actions of others. Take a trusting person and subject them to people who trick and then mock, and the trusting person will most likely start suspecting them. They change from being "gullible" to being suspicious.)

4. Gunshy, horseshy, etc. Someone who is afraid of something, and therefore is slow to get close to it or use it. They're afraid of what will happen; they're afraid they might get hurt or they'll hurt someone else. Wary of it, giving it a wide berth. I know someone who is horseshy - she's terrified of horses and will not get near them.

5. Not at ease in the company of others. This sounds to me like either 3 or 4, maybe a mixture. Afraid of getting hurt, afraid of hurting others, suspicious of them, afraid of what might happen.

I hope it's clear that shyness, in general, is not good. It's a fear of man that disables you from existing properly with others. Being constantly suspicious of people doesn't follow the description of love in I Corinthians 13 - "[Charity] believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things." Being easily frightened away certainly doesn't follow the idea of Deuteronomy 31:6 - "Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, He it is that doth go with thee; He will not fail thee, nor forsake thee." The only thing we should be shy of is sin.

I've heard people refer to others as being shy who are reserved or quiet. Because they don't talk as much or don't share their opinions about everything in front of everyone. Because they're not really out-going or don't jump in to new situations. Because they take stock of things first. That's not how the dictionary defines shy. On the contrary, there are a multitude of verses in Proverbs that argue that those things are wise and prudent!

In fact, I don't know how you can ever say for sure that someone else is shy because it's the WHY of what they do that makes it so. If I keep my mouth shut because I'm thinking things through or because I think it's the best thing to do in a situation, there's nothing wrong with that. If, however, I'm not speaking because I'm afraid of others or what they might think of me, that's shy and that's wrong. Fear of men shouldn't come into the picture. But how does anyone but me KNOW why I'm not saying anything? They don't.

In conclusion, we should be careful what labels we place upon people - especially if we don't understand exactly what they mean. Lots of people use "reserved" and "shy" synonymously. They're not the same thing. An open, talkative, bubbly person could be the shyest person in a room full of introverted, reserved, thoughtful people.

Motivation and Prayer

Staying motivated is not easily done. Trying to motivate self is often difficult enough without actually doing what it is you're trying to get yourself to do. (It can also get as convoluted as some of my sentences - especially when one starts arguing with oneself about the whithertos and wherefores. (Whyfors? It's been too long. . . .))

I have a secret weapon for it now though. It's called - Zack. ;) :) Anything I know I should do and I don't want to do, but I really do want to do because I know I should? "Zack, I need you to tell me to..." whatever. Usually, the "whatever" is working out. Pretty soon, he'll text me back and say, "You should do it. Do it for" X reasons. He doesn't ever argue the point - No, "Do you really need to?" - just does what I asked him to. And then I do what he asked me to. Hehe. :) I like our system. Can you tell?

Motivation for other things is harder to come by. Things that you know you should do, and because they're more important you don't want anyone to know that part of you doesn't want to do them. Things where you're sinning if you don't do them. Take prayer, for example. I want to pray. I want all the good things that happen when I pray. I want to do right. But praying is hard, so I also don't want to pray.

Really? I'm going to tell someone that I don't want to pray? It's a pride thing, to be sure. I want to look better than I am. I don't want people to think poorly of me. But that's exactly what family is for - not just blood relatives, but spiritual relatives. They're not their to prey on your faults, and they're not there to hammer home your insecurities about being open about such faults. They're there to understand that we all need help, we all need motivation, and we all need accountability.

So I have trouble praying, and this person has trouble reading the Bible. It's not my place to judge and say, "I can't believe they don't read the Bible every day!" That'd be really loving, right? Totally. (Please note the sarcasm.) Loving is helping them - not in a patronizing, "I'm holier than thou" way. It's my job to try to do something to help them, to keep them motivated. Maybe to talk to them about what I read and what God showed me from it - to get them engaged and excited about it. And maybe they can help me figure out how to be more excited about praying, to view it properly - as a privilege, not a command to be obeyed; as a joy and a treasure, being able to speak to the One I should love most.

Writing is one of my ways of motivating me. I have to think about things, revise what I've written, reword - all the time meditating about whatever I'm writing about. What do you do? Do you have ways to motivate yourself? Do you read about the topic? Do you write? Do you do the dishes and meditate? Are there people you can go to and be open with?

As an aside, the weather here is amazing. :) The temperature on the bank said 51 this morning. It's blustery, cloudy, a little rainy and overall wonderful. I would love it if it stayed like this till winter. I doubt it will though. Predictions? I'm thinking it's going to be a warm fall, probably in November, but I'm not ruling out October. I'm hoping to have snow in December - lots of it. And January, too, of course. =) That IS why I'm getting married in January - for the snow. (Also, it's a good month.)

I'm getting married in January. :) Hehehehehehe. So cool.

August Tears

Hey. It's been a while, I know. Probably have lots to update, but I'm just going to go through the basics.

1. Church building and reception hall are confirmed.
2. Wedding dress is ordered and should be arriving sometime in December (hopefully, early in the month, but we'll see).
3. My honey is still the best guy for me.

I miss him really bad right now. I was watching this tear-jerker of a video about soldiers coming home and surprising their families. Not a good idea if I want to keep from dwelling on how much I miss him and how much distance is between us, and how long it's going to be before it's not just seeing him for a few weeks at a time. Five months can seem like a really long time. On the other hand, looking at it like, "I'm getting married in five months!" makes it seem much closer. Haha. (Always a silver lining.)

Anyway. I miss you, Love. August cannot go by fast enough. Hugs and kisses.

(Do written things count as public displays of affection? I don't think I know the rules about that stuff. . . .)

A song

It's been VBS week, which means that I've pretty much had a bunch of little kid songs in my head most of it. One in particular had a tendency to get stuck (mostly because it was a new song, and those always end up going round and round). But tonight, something else came to mind. I can't remember what put it there, but it's here, and I'm happy because I like it. :) After looking for it online, I realized that it was probably one of those that got phased out, and not in any of the new hymnbooks. I thought I'd share. The title is "In Thee Do I Live" and these are the words:

All that I am or hope to be,
O Son of God, I owe to Thee,
For Thou has bought me; I am Thine
And by Thy mercy Thou art mine.

Chorus:
Thy mercy sought me, Thy love has bought me
Thy grace as taught me to believe
Then, in believing, Thy peace receiving
Now in Thee only do I live.

Thy blessed cross has sealed my peace,
Thy sorrows make my own to cease;
Thy power has cleansed me from all sin;
Thy presence keeps my conscience clean.

Thy cruel wounds my own have healed;
Thy broken heart my pardon sealed;
Thy death, O Christ, means life for me,
A life for all eternity.

Lately, I've been on the sidelines for a few issues between people, Christian people. I do what I can, try to give sound, godly advice, and be an encouragement and such. I end up wondering what things would be like if we'd all recognize that there is life ONLY in Christ. It seems to me that we forget too often. We're not behaving like we're alive when we act without God. Who wants to go back to being dead? Then why would we imitate it?

Anyway. Some thoughts that came to me brought on by a good song. :) I used to have a picture on my wall when I was little. It had a little girl playing a flute-type instrument and there was some kind of animal next to her (a bunny or squirrel or something). At any rate, it said, "The Lord puts a song in my heart." He certainly did today. :)

Wedding!!

Okay, so. . . . It's in January - on the 29th, to be exact. :) I'm getting married in eight months. Ha! So cool. =)

Went to look at churches today. The idea of "church browsing" is kind of odd to me, but ah, well. Gotta get married somewhere. Then there's the question of, who all do I invite? I have the important people down - all the family and stuff. But. . . . Do I want people from school there? Do THEY want to be there? What about my internet friends that I've met all of once in my life? Maybe just an e-vite? lol I don't think any of them will come anyway though.

It'll be right at the beginning of the new school year. None of them would probably be able to make it. But . . . what if they could? What if they would? What if they actually wanted to? I can't see it. . . . . But I don't like being the one to stop trying. If other people don't want to try, that's their business. I like to try to keep my friends. The problem is, when exactly does a person stop being your friend? I don't know.

I hope all my family can make it. I really do.

I killed my foot somehow. I don't know what I did to it, but it's angry with me apparently. :( It's been objecting quite vehemently to being walked on today.

You know what would be totally awesome? To write a song and have other people really like it. . . . I think that would be like my "dream come true" type of thing as far as being some type of famous goes. . . . I was going to make a meaningful blog post the other day - some deeper things, but all my pizazz for it got lost in transition somewhere. Maybe I'll find it again. For now, it's good to be writing at all. :)

Here I Am

It's been a good week. :) Tried to stay busy and overall, it's going well. I have a ring on my finger now. I like it and I like it there. :) Been reading a book by A. W. Tozer called "The Knowledge of the Holy." It's been very good. And it's been helping me not while away my time on nothing profitable. (I've also been reading Sherlock Holmes. I like it quite a bit, which I found rather surprising. I think it helps that I saw the movie first. I like having real voices to put with words.)

But anyway. I was bored one day after having watched an "end of the world" movie, and I started writing a bit in my notebook. Though at first it began as nothing, it started to morph - as is the way of it quite often with me - into the following:

Broken hearts and shattered minds. Tears and darkness everywhere. Death and destruction reign where justice abstains. When the world is dying, there is no restraint. There is no fear but for self. There is no care but for MY life, for MY continuance. Youth and age fall first, prey to that which is stronger. How full is the depravity of man! How endless his lack of control, his love of self! Remove the barriers of society, of peer pressure and expectations, of government and law - dispose of them and men become little more than beasts. Tell the world that the planet is going to be destroyed in six hours and see how they spend it.

Indulgence. Gross over-indulgence of all the pleasures that the world can offer while it lasts. Fornication, drunkenness, looting, rioting, revenge - what man will stand his post as an officer of the law when he has but six hours to live? Without bonds put upon them, men would show only too clearly how whole is their hatred of that which is good, that which is pure, that which is lovely. Truly, depravity is complete. Is there a word that could make Man's moral fiber appear any less putrid than it is? Is the reality of it not far worse than we can fathom?

Yet, from this state of destruction of self and others, God has drawn some. A precious few, His saints, He has made alive. He restores them to favor with Himself by taking their wickedness, all the iniquities of thought and deed, past, present, and future, and placing them on the Son, on the Pure and Perfect, Spotless Lamb of God. Beloved of the Father, decked in Holiness and Righteousness, He didn't just accept it - like a blanket of the blackest sort, corrupted and rancid, reeking of that which He despises, He draped it over Himself on the cross. And maintained it for hours. Having the power to remove it at any time, He held it close because of His endless love for those few that were His. And with His blood, our price was paid.

Not yet perfect, but having all the purity and righteousness of our Savior applied to us, we stand in the midst of the strong tides of wickedness. For us, the pull is too strong to resist. Made alive, we're now aware of it, but standing alone is not possible. We've been shown the river of the world and pulled over to the Rock of our Salvation, and now the battle begins. Our own fallen nature remains and tells us to cease fighting. Our peers and those for whom we care drift further and further away, while we stand.

Without the sustaining arms of Christ holding us to it, we'll only get pulled away into the darkness again, for we have not the strength to hold ourselves. There is naught to do but trust in Christ to hold us close. The tide is pulling, always pulling - it never gives up while we remain in this world, but the Rock is our anchor and Christ is the rope by which we're held to it. The closer we cling to the Rock, the less the world has of us to pull on. The more we listen to self, the farther we drift from our Shelter.

Self is a cunning foe. It tells us that we don't need to use all our concentration, just some, not all our strength. It tells us to let go with our legs; let them dangle freely in the current, let them feel how nice it is. Do we really need to grip so tightly? With all of our body? Why not just our arms? Surely, they're strong enough, and besides, we have the rope of Christ around us. How about with just one arm? That way the other can reach out to those passing by. Just your fingers - that's really all you need. But at each step, more of us is moved into the current, for it's no longer hiding in the cleft of the Rock. We're in danger of losing our grip entirely, and that is grave danger indeed. There, barely hanging on, we're exposed, and soon we will be wounded. Put your hand out and something will bite it, a person will break it, a stone will pelt it; it will be hurt, and the wise will recoil to the Rock, to safety.

In the Rock is warmth and light. Comfort and peace. The current is icy, so cold that it had numbed us. Black, so dark that we did not know what light was. But we have felt the light of God's love on our faces when He turned us to Himself and caused His face to shine. We have been awed with the veiled glory He has shown and so we have a deep, unquenchable desire to see and feel His presence again and forever. Heart, mind, body, soul, spirit - with all we are, with all He has made us to be, we earnestly desire and long to know Him, to see Him, to touch Him, to hear His voice, and, in loud praise and silent meditation, to glorify Him and His limitless excellent majesty. For we love Him and cannot cease.

Yet, for all this, we too often love Him not as we ought. Not fully or completely, not above all else, and we release our grip on the Rock, letting ourselves dangle in the tide of sin. What abundant idiocy! What depths of depravity. What terrible ingratitude! And how horrifying the power we give to that old nature when we ought to be resting in the grace of the God that pulled us out of the current to begin with.

Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer. From the end of the earth will I cry unto Thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the Rock that is higher than I. For Thou hast been a Shelter for me, and a strong Tower from the enemy. I will abide in Thy tabernacle for ever: I will trust in the covert of Thy wings. - Psalm 61:1-4

In with the new!

But do we really need to get rid of the old? ;) I'm nostalgic. Almost everything is better remembered than experienced. I wonder if that's sad. . . . . Ah, well. Happy news today!

I have a new niece, two months old. (That's not the new news, but it is good news! =D) I have a new nephew, too. He's about twelve hours old. Hehe. They're both so cute. It's really cool. :) My brothers are Dads. . . . . . THAT is bizarre. And yet, only kind of. Haha.

Life seems to be moving kind of fast. It's happy and exciting, but there's a sense of apprehension. I usually prefer slow changes. With lots of time to adjust and think, pondering over every aspect I can imagine, making sure that I don't get blind-sided by something. (I don't NEED time; I get along pretty well if I can't have it or if the change is something entirely out of my control. But that's neither here nor there.) Don't get me wrong. Life isn't moving TOO fast; just faster than normal.

It takes time for me to get energized about most things. Especially when they have a direct impact on me. A person can tell me wonderful news, but I'll make sure that I really KNOW it's wonderful before I react pleasantly. Tends to make people think that I'm not happy about things, when really, it just takes me a minute to get there.

I don't like being disappointed - it's much easier not to get my hopes up; to make sure that I know exactly what people are telling me; to make sure that I'm not thinking that it's better than it is. I hate disappointing people, too, so I have a hard time building things up. No matter how great something is, I tend to downplay it so they won't get disappointed.

I don't think any of this was ever going anywhere. Just a bunch of useless info that most of you (if there are any of you left) don't care about.

Anyway. I miss my boyfriend. . . . . Don't laugh. It's true. Yes, we talk a lot on the phone. I wish we could talk more. Yes, we used up almost all my texts in only two weeks. I wish we could text all day, all the time, whenever we had a free minute. Like Mike and Tuesday did. Haha. I waited a long time for a boyfriend; I'd like to enjoy it. :)

Blogging

Haven't had much to say lately. . . . As you ought to be able to surmise by the lack of posts, since we all know that I'm not lacking in time.

Been working on a story. That means I've been writing pieces of it, stuff that I doubt will ever actually go into it. I make up the best parts of my plots when I'm writing, not when I'm just thinking about it. Thus, in order to plan a book, I have to write the book. Doesn't work out so well when you're trying to actually get something down to stay, but it's fun all the same, which is the point for me.

I don't write for the hope of getting good enough to get published. (Or just popular enough. Take Twilight for an example. Bad writing = easy, easy, easy reading = totally popular with the teens.) I never thought that type of writing sold. It never made the cut with us. I'd say that I could write that well, but A) Where's the proof? and B) "Well?" Really? Writing as "well" as the Twilight series, like that's something to be proud of? I digress.

I read The Name of the Wind again. Felt like I could sit down and read it through as soon as I'd finished. If you take out the profanity, it's a good book. Good story, interesting characters (Bast is my favorite). There's so much to it. So much thought and time and effort. I don't have that kind of. . . dedication? Something. I want to read WarBreaker again. I really liked that book. Lightsong, or whatever his name was, was just great. And the sword. Can't think of it's name. . . . Actually, Lightsong is the only name I CAN remember. Hah. . . .

Going back out to CA in a little while - about three weeks. :) It's a long trip. Longest I've ever been on. People at home miss me. Funny, I don't remember them making half as big a deal out of it when I moved to school. . . . Maybe that's my memory, or the fact that it happened and was done. I didn't go, come back, go, come back, etc., etc.

People in CA want me to stay longer. They make comments (mostly the people at church who haven't seen me all week, hehe) "Didn't you just get here?" Sometimes, I feel like I'm in a video game trying to keep both sides of a scale even. Every time I boost one side, the other sinks. So I run to that one and push it up, only to find that doing so made the other one drop.

Conclusion? Popularity (or whatever this is) is difficult. Life is easier when no one cares if you're around. It's also more lonely. I'll take this and be happy. :)

Dum, da-da, dum!

Well, here I am in California again. Have you ever thought about what weird names our states have? California? Michigan? I mean really, what is THAT? And city names. What's a Baltimore? Or a Lansing?

I really didn't start writing a blog to go on about what nonsense names are though. Then again, I didn't really start writing a blog for any reason. I just felt like it and had nothing to do at the moment. Zack should be home pretty soon and then we're going out for our anniversary. Yes, I know. . . . I never thought I would be one of THOSE people, but here I am celebrating the months of my anniversary. I'll probably do the whole "Happy birthday, kid, you're a week old today" thing too. . . . :P

It's weird being at someone else's house. . . especially when it's just you and your boyfriend's mom all day. . . . Slightly awkward. She's very unintrusive though.

Zack likes his birthday present. =) Crises adverted. Yay! (I think "crisis" is a much funner word than "crises." Anyone else?) I think he might be home - the dog is barking.

Nope.

Marley & Me is a horrible, sad movie. Yes, I cried, but I was in the company of many criers so I didn't feel as weird about it. lol I'm getting terribly soft in my old age. And boy, do I feel old today. . . . I need a hair-cut. . . . Oh, Mother Deeeeeeeeeeeeeearest. . . . ;) Teehee.

I'm bored. . . . . Everywhere I go, I'm bored. Ugh.

Movie Critic Review

Contrary to what you might think from reading that title, this is not a review of movie critics. Be warned, this may very well contain some spoilers. I'm not sure yet as I haven't written it. . . . High Voltage: Proceed at your own risk.

Nanner, nanner.

So recently I've seen a few movies. Let's start with the oldest, which just happens to be the one I saw most recently. Terminator: Salvation. This movie came out sometime last May, I do believe. Christian Bale was in it amongst others, one of whom shared half of the main character status with Bale. Kyle Reese and Star, the little girl with him, were the best people in the movie, in my opinion. And the kid who played Reese was actually quite reminiscent of the guy in the original Terminator. I thought that was a nice touch. Stuck with the storyline; not many swear words; good effects; nice action. Over-all an entertaining film. The one problem was that the semi-main character, Marcus, reminded me of the Spiderman III Sandman in some ways. I'm not really even sure why. . . . But he did.

Next: Up!
Saw this movie in a theatre that contained a grand total of four people, including my boyfriend and I. This upped the enjoyment of the film substantially. (And the other two were a really cute old couple who absolutely loved it. But anyway.) The movie itself: It was good! Pixar delivered again. The beginning gets sad, but it doesn't last long and the following scene has you laughing again. I thought the timing was so incredibly perfect. The story is good; the main character is great; the giant bird that's like a mixture of every bird you can think of is hilarious and Doug, the dog, is less stupid than you think from the previews. Overall, I really, really, really liked this movie. But it's not better than robots falling in love, sorry. Wall-E is still the reigning champion.

Last, but not least: Sherlock Holmes.
Interesting movie. Had me worried at a couple spots about whether or not witchcraftiness was going to stand, and it's probably far more cool for someone who's read Sherlock Holmes stories and who will catch all the references. Thankfully, I had someone who had read them with me and he was able to point out all those things. The slow motion parts where Holmes does his fight sequences were a little too. . . . well, graphic. For my tastes. Seeing it faster was much better. The slow motion annoyed me, though I liked the idea of the voice-over as he thinks through exactly what he's going to do. In the end, a statisfactory mystery, good quick-witted dialogue, and vivid characters.

If you've read all this, you must be bored. Or have some type of emotional attachment to me. Possibly both. . . . Anyway. I enjoyed Up the most, I think, which is quite odd for me. Then Holmes, then Terminator. Although that could be as much a tribute to the effect of a good environment upon movie-watching as to the quality of the movies themselves. Thus, I say that my conclusion must be: Make sure to watch movies in uncrowded areas with your significant other, as comfortably as possible. You'll enjoy the movie more. =D

Up: **** 1/2*
Sherlock Holmes: ****
Terminator: ***

Maybe. . . . . ;)

Oh, and Happy New Year. :)