Discussion

So Mom and I got into a discussion tonight. And there was something she was right about (that is, if she wasn't right about it all). I tend to write about things rather negatively. I don't mean to. I don't think about things in a negative way, generally, but at the same time I do. I can think and speak about negative things with a possitive attitude.

I don't think I convey the possitive attitude that I'm feeling very well though. I guess I come across as pessimistic, which makes me less than happy. I've always thought of myself as an optomist and been rather happy with being one. I like to be happy. I love to laugh. (Guess the movie referenece first and earn a free candy bar! ;)) And I've always thought of pessimists as kind of like downers. Like as bad as vicodin. . . .

Anyway. This post to say that I shall attempt to complain less and be more possitive in thought and word. And you have permission to remind me of this post should I slip back into my less than pleasant ways.

PS - Don't miss the other post I made earlier today. I wonder sometimes when I post twice if the former one gets skipped over. . . One of those things I think about. . .

Freaking Out

I'm leaving at the end of the week. . . .

It's scary. Seriously. I only have like five days left. . . . I'm not ready. . . Not even close.

My face is still the size of a punching balloon. . . . How am I supposed to go places like that? I'm not. I don't want to pack. Packing means it's time to go.

At the same time I do want to pack because I'm not doing anything else and that'll mean that later in the week when things are happening, I'll have the packing time for whatever else is going on.

I kept thinking "I'm leaving at the end of the month." People would ask when, and I'd say, "the end of the month." Now it's the end of the week. . . . It's five days. I'm in trouble.

I missed my "going away" party at church last night. I felt like a zombie. Or Death. Either one. I wanted to be there, but at the same time I didn't want to be there because I felt so horrible. Pain medication is from like the seventh level of Hades or something. . . Seriously. It does nasty things. Curse thee, Vicodin! Curse thee!

;)

Anyway. . . . . I should probably do something. I haven't for like four days. . . . Okay, today would be four.

Recovery is boring.

So I had all four of my wisdom teeth taken out this morning. It was kind of weird. I don't remember going to sleep or waking up. It just sorta happened. I never really felt the effects of the drugs on my brain. My body on the other hand, was having problems. When I started thinking coherently (or, at least when I remember thinking coherently), I couldn't make my eyes work. Which was extremely frustrating when people are saying things like, "Open your eyes, Jenn. Keep your eyes open. If you can't keep your eyes open we're going to have to put you in a recovery room." I think they should have a piece of paper and a pencil ready for when you wake up. You can't communicate, but everyone is talking to you like you're five, telling you what to do. I firmly believe when anyone wakes up from anything like that, you should give them a minute. On the other hand. . . . I'm not sure when I woke up, so maybe they did. . . . But somehow I doubt it.

My legs weren't going so well either, which was weird, because my arms were perfectly fine. (I thought it was really odd.) And I couldn't look around without my head feeling like it was going to spin off my shoulders. You'd think they might tell you these things beforehand. . . . /shrug Actually, the worst part was that I couldn't stop crying. Why was I crying? Good question. I really have no idea. Except that not being able to see has always freaked me out, and like I said, I was having problems with my eyes. It lasted for like an hour after I got home to. Every five minutes or so I started crying. It was really annoying, and then I started snapping at Mom when she was trying to do nice things for me. (She made me a chocolate shake; it was so sweet. . . ) That just made me feel worse, and here come the waterworks. . . . Bleh.

Anyway, I suppose that's far too much complaining. It went fine, and I didn't have to hang around the place in a recovery room. I haven't been able to sleep though. Actually, I feel incredibly restless. . . . I think it's bothering Mom. . . :D She's so great.
I think she made a trip to the store just because I wanted Macaroni and Cheese. . . . :)

My teeth/gums hurt pretty badly, but at least I'm not numb anymore. Mostly, anyway. I am kinda curious how in the world I'm going to sleep tonight. . . (I always sleep on my face. . . lol) Guess I'll figure it out. :) If I ever get tired. . .

It was good to see Matt posting again. =) Wish Joe would put something up, but I guess he's kinda busy now. . . /poke Joe Hehe. :) Mike should too, but I'm not sure if his computer is working. . . He needs to fix it or get a new one. I suppose that's not really on his list of things to buy next though. ;) =D

A poem about a horse

I found this while going through some papers of mine, and it made me giggle. :)

He's sleek, shiny bright
All silver and white
Except for his feet
So black and fleet
His long flowing mane
On his arched neck is lain
And his ears pricked high
Catch the smallest sigh
His strong defined shoulders
Could pull giant boulders
But that's not his fate.
Now into the gate.
The doors open loud
Oh, hear the crowd!
My horse is set free
And almost lost me
Around the far turn
His trust I'll not spurn
No whip will I use
More options I choose
He's giving his all
Don't slip! Don't fall!
Underneath the wire
We've won our desire.

Jazz, it's good.

Jazz is cool. I like the trumpets. And it has a softer background beat. I like it. "Say It With Trumpets" is a good song.

I'm leaving for school sometime around the end of the month. My last day of work is next Thursday. I have oral surgery on Friday. And then I have the next week to pack and get everything I need, and prepare as much as possible. I really hope the school got my check today. . . If they didn't, I'll probably have to give them another 50 bucks when I get there. Even though I sent it on Monday.

Cheese is good, too. Icecream wins though. Icecream and cereal - the staples of life. ;)

There was a bat in the house last night/this morning. I think bats are cool, but it's kind of freaky when you wake up and there's one flying around in your house. I felt bad for waking Dad up. . . . I probably should have just left it alone. Ah well. . . What can I do now?

I really, really, really like Burn Notice. It's a newer show on USA (Thrusday at 10pm; watch it), and it's awesome. I like the characters so much. Michael Weston is awesome. And NOW! Now they have Daniel from Stargate on it. :) I've always liked the way he acts. In this one, he's kind of a trigger-happy/lunatic-ish guy though. It's interesting. And very cool. =D I'm going to miss it when I go away.

Pysch isn't as good as it was at first. In my opinion. Maybe it's just lost it's novelty or something. /shrug Still a great show though.

I hope my new glasses come in by next Thursday. The lady said that they should, so I'm hoping. It'd be nicer to not have to spend the gas money on an extra trip. Though I might have to go back anyway to pick up a check. . . Not sure about that one. /shrug

Dad and I went to get my name officially changed on Monday. I'm now legally Jennifer Lesa on all my paper work. Yay! :) It was really nice. We don't get to spend much time together because of conflicting work schedules and just . . . stuff. It made me happy, and it was interesting besides. Had some nice talks. =)

Overall, it's been a pretty good week. =) We're going to the circus tomorrow. The Kelly Miller circus. Huh. . . . I couldn't remember the name of it for the life of me when I was telling people about it at work. Now it just came to me. Aren't our brains funny things?

8-09-08

I've been meaning to blog for the past few days. I actually had stuff to blog about. But I didn't get around to it.

Dave and Kaylynn have gone. They left this morning. It was strange how fast it happened. The job was there, but that wasn't the job he got. The opportunity was just sitting there, but they didn't have the chance to take it till what? Thrusday? Some things in life take years to get used to, or to get around to, to work to. Some things are decades in the making. Other things happen in two days.

Their car was packed with probably as much stuff as they could possibly get in it. It reminded me that I was going to have to pack my stuff soon. I don't want to. Don't want to go, but I want to work at McDonald's even less, so. . . /shrug Mom thinks I should go, and so do I. Kinda. It's hard. Faith isn't easy. I don't have the money for school. I don't know if I'm going to have the money. A part of me is saying, "Don't be like the king who starts building his tower without making sure he has enough money to do it." And the other part is asking, "Then what is faith?" It's a question I've been mulling over the past few days. What is faith? What do people have faith in? Is it faith to believe that all things will work together for good to them who love God? Because I have no troubles with that one. I know things are going to work out well. That's easy. The Bible says so. The Bible doesn't say that I'm going to have enough money to pay my school bill, or that I SHOULD have enough money to pay my school bill. It's hard to make the right choice, when the wrong choice seems just as good.

One choice just seems wrong, obviously wrong. But going into debt doesn't seem right either. Do I pick one and hope I'm right? Or do I have faith that the Holy Spirit is leading me and that in this instance, I need financial aid, and I'm going to have to rely on others for it? But is that faith? Or it that presuming upon God's goodness? "I'm going to get myself into a mess, but I know that because things will work for good for me, that God will get me out." Mmmmmnno.

People talk about faith a lot. Unsaved and saved alike. But really. What is it? What do we have faith in? Is it right for me to assume that because going to school is right that my bill will be taken care of? Is that faith? Or is it presuming? Or is it both? I don't know. Is the difference only in the attitude? I've never had to exercise much faith, I don't think. . . . I either knew things or I didn't. The Bible said so, or it didn't. Faith is difficult, because I can't seem to define it. It seems ambiguous.

I don't trust people, pretty much not anybody. There are differing degrees, but there's not a person alive I trust completely. And this includes myself, as I know me pretty well. I know the tendencies I have and the mistakes that I've made. I know why I've made most of them. This makes it very hard for me to trust anything that goes through my head. I second guess myself constantly. I rewrite everything. (This is why email and internet are so much better than pencil and paper. And why pencils pwn pens.) Spontaneous actions don't work for me because I realize all of two seconds later that what I did was a bad idea, or that there was a better way. It's bothersome. Conversations are difficult because I think my response over three times before I give it. Especially with new people. Or just people I'm not entirely comfortable with, which is the vast majority of human beings.

Then there are the people that I trust a great deal who don't really know me all that well. Those are the kind of people who talk a lot. I get to know them, I enjoy their company. But they don't know me at all because they do all the talking. That's great for me. In the end though, it doesn't work out so well. Now I'm completely invested in their life and they don't know me, so they don't really care about me. That can get painful. Especially when you realize your best friend doesn't want to know what's up with you. He doesn't know you and isn't really interested. Ow.

All that to say, that maybe my problems with faith come from not being able to trust people. The thing is, trusting God isn't even like an option. Of course I trust Him. He's God, and I'm His child. He is perfect, He is goodness. He's not going to hurt me for any devious reason. He loves me. If I get hurt, it's for my benefit. These are all things I know. They're fact. What do I have to have faith in then? That those things are true? . . . . . Maybe I'm thinking I'm standing and setting myself up for a fall by thinking I have these things down so well. I don't know. But I can't really think of an instance when I asked God why something bad happened, or when I was angry with Him. You don't question Him, and you don't get angry with Him. Those are stupid things to do, in my opinion. On the other hand, how do you trust people who are so tainted by sin? How? It's like trusting a starving, rabbid wolf not to bite you. Isn't it?