8-09-08

I've been meaning to blog for the past few days. I actually had stuff to blog about. But I didn't get around to it.

Dave and Kaylynn have gone. They left this morning. It was strange how fast it happened. The job was there, but that wasn't the job he got. The opportunity was just sitting there, but they didn't have the chance to take it till what? Thrusday? Some things in life take years to get used to, or to get around to, to work to. Some things are decades in the making. Other things happen in two days.

Their car was packed with probably as much stuff as they could possibly get in it. It reminded me that I was going to have to pack my stuff soon. I don't want to. Don't want to go, but I want to work at McDonald's even less, so. . . /shrug Mom thinks I should go, and so do I. Kinda. It's hard. Faith isn't easy. I don't have the money for school. I don't know if I'm going to have the money. A part of me is saying, "Don't be like the king who starts building his tower without making sure he has enough money to do it." And the other part is asking, "Then what is faith?" It's a question I've been mulling over the past few days. What is faith? What do people have faith in? Is it faith to believe that all things will work together for good to them who love God? Because I have no troubles with that one. I know things are going to work out well. That's easy. The Bible says so. The Bible doesn't say that I'm going to have enough money to pay my school bill, or that I SHOULD have enough money to pay my school bill. It's hard to make the right choice, when the wrong choice seems just as good.

One choice just seems wrong, obviously wrong. But going into debt doesn't seem right either. Do I pick one and hope I'm right? Or do I have faith that the Holy Spirit is leading me and that in this instance, I need financial aid, and I'm going to have to rely on others for it? But is that faith? Or it that presuming upon God's goodness? "I'm going to get myself into a mess, but I know that because things will work for good for me, that God will get me out." Mmmmmnno.

People talk about faith a lot. Unsaved and saved alike. But really. What is it? What do we have faith in? Is it right for me to assume that because going to school is right that my bill will be taken care of? Is that faith? Or is it presuming? Or is it both? I don't know. Is the difference only in the attitude? I've never had to exercise much faith, I don't think. . . . I either knew things or I didn't. The Bible said so, or it didn't. Faith is difficult, because I can't seem to define it. It seems ambiguous.

I don't trust people, pretty much not anybody. There are differing degrees, but there's not a person alive I trust completely. And this includes myself, as I know me pretty well. I know the tendencies I have and the mistakes that I've made. I know why I've made most of them. This makes it very hard for me to trust anything that goes through my head. I second guess myself constantly. I rewrite everything. (This is why email and internet are so much better than pencil and paper. And why pencils pwn pens.) Spontaneous actions don't work for me because I realize all of two seconds later that what I did was a bad idea, or that there was a better way. It's bothersome. Conversations are difficult because I think my response over three times before I give it. Especially with new people. Or just people I'm not entirely comfortable with, which is the vast majority of human beings.

Then there are the people that I trust a great deal who don't really know me all that well. Those are the kind of people who talk a lot. I get to know them, I enjoy their company. But they don't know me at all because they do all the talking. That's great for me. In the end though, it doesn't work out so well. Now I'm completely invested in their life and they don't know me, so they don't really care about me. That can get painful. Especially when you realize your best friend doesn't want to know what's up with you. He doesn't know you and isn't really interested. Ow.

All that to say, that maybe my problems with faith come from not being able to trust people. The thing is, trusting God isn't even like an option. Of course I trust Him. He's God, and I'm His child. He is perfect, He is goodness. He's not going to hurt me for any devious reason. He loves me. If I get hurt, it's for my benefit. These are all things I know. They're fact. What do I have to have faith in then? That those things are true? . . . . . Maybe I'm thinking I'm standing and setting myself up for a fall by thinking I have these things down so well. I don't know. But I can't really think of an instance when I asked God why something bad happened, or when I was angry with Him. You don't question Him, and you don't get angry with Him. Those are stupid things to do, in my opinion. On the other hand, how do you trust people who are so tainted by sin? How? It's like trusting a starving, rabbid wolf not to bite you. Isn't it?