Here I Am

It's been a good week. :) Tried to stay busy and overall, it's going well. I have a ring on my finger now. I like it and I like it there. :) Been reading a book by A. W. Tozer called "The Knowledge of the Holy." It's been very good. And it's been helping me not while away my time on nothing profitable. (I've also been reading Sherlock Holmes. I like it quite a bit, which I found rather surprising. I think it helps that I saw the movie first. I like having real voices to put with words.)

But anyway. I was bored one day after having watched an "end of the world" movie, and I started writing a bit in my notebook. Though at first it began as nothing, it started to morph - as is the way of it quite often with me - into the following:

Broken hearts and shattered minds. Tears and darkness everywhere. Death and destruction reign where justice abstains. When the world is dying, there is no restraint. There is no fear but for self. There is no care but for MY life, for MY continuance. Youth and age fall first, prey to that which is stronger. How full is the depravity of man! How endless his lack of control, his love of self! Remove the barriers of society, of peer pressure and expectations, of government and law - dispose of them and men become little more than beasts. Tell the world that the planet is going to be destroyed in six hours and see how they spend it.

Indulgence. Gross over-indulgence of all the pleasures that the world can offer while it lasts. Fornication, drunkenness, looting, rioting, revenge - what man will stand his post as an officer of the law when he has but six hours to live? Without bonds put upon them, men would show only too clearly how whole is their hatred of that which is good, that which is pure, that which is lovely. Truly, depravity is complete. Is there a word that could make Man's moral fiber appear any less putrid than it is? Is the reality of it not far worse than we can fathom?

Yet, from this state of destruction of self and others, God has drawn some. A precious few, His saints, He has made alive. He restores them to favor with Himself by taking their wickedness, all the iniquities of thought and deed, past, present, and future, and placing them on the Son, on the Pure and Perfect, Spotless Lamb of God. Beloved of the Father, decked in Holiness and Righteousness, He didn't just accept it - like a blanket of the blackest sort, corrupted and rancid, reeking of that which He despises, He draped it over Himself on the cross. And maintained it for hours. Having the power to remove it at any time, He held it close because of His endless love for those few that were His. And with His blood, our price was paid.

Not yet perfect, but having all the purity and righteousness of our Savior applied to us, we stand in the midst of the strong tides of wickedness. For us, the pull is too strong to resist. Made alive, we're now aware of it, but standing alone is not possible. We've been shown the river of the world and pulled over to the Rock of our Salvation, and now the battle begins. Our own fallen nature remains and tells us to cease fighting. Our peers and those for whom we care drift further and further away, while we stand.

Without the sustaining arms of Christ holding us to it, we'll only get pulled away into the darkness again, for we have not the strength to hold ourselves. There is naught to do but trust in Christ to hold us close. The tide is pulling, always pulling - it never gives up while we remain in this world, but the Rock is our anchor and Christ is the rope by which we're held to it. The closer we cling to the Rock, the less the world has of us to pull on. The more we listen to self, the farther we drift from our Shelter.

Self is a cunning foe. It tells us that we don't need to use all our concentration, just some, not all our strength. It tells us to let go with our legs; let them dangle freely in the current, let them feel how nice it is. Do we really need to grip so tightly? With all of our body? Why not just our arms? Surely, they're strong enough, and besides, we have the rope of Christ around us. How about with just one arm? That way the other can reach out to those passing by. Just your fingers - that's really all you need. But at each step, more of us is moved into the current, for it's no longer hiding in the cleft of the Rock. We're in danger of losing our grip entirely, and that is grave danger indeed. There, barely hanging on, we're exposed, and soon we will be wounded. Put your hand out and something will bite it, a person will break it, a stone will pelt it; it will be hurt, and the wise will recoil to the Rock, to safety.

In the Rock is warmth and light. Comfort and peace. The current is icy, so cold that it had numbed us. Black, so dark that we did not know what light was. But we have felt the light of God's love on our faces when He turned us to Himself and caused His face to shine. We have been awed with the veiled glory He has shown and so we have a deep, unquenchable desire to see and feel His presence again and forever. Heart, mind, body, soul, spirit - with all we are, with all He has made us to be, we earnestly desire and long to know Him, to see Him, to touch Him, to hear His voice, and, in loud praise and silent meditation, to glorify Him and His limitless excellent majesty. For we love Him and cannot cease.

Yet, for all this, we too often love Him not as we ought. Not fully or completely, not above all else, and we release our grip on the Rock, letting ourselves dangle in the tide of sin. What abundant idiocy! What depths of depravity. What terrible ingratitude! And how horrifying the power we give to that old nature when we ought to be resting in the grace of the God that pulled us out of the current to begin with.

Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer. From the end of the earth will I cry unto Thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the Rock that is higher than I. For Thou hast been a Shelter for me, and a strong Tower from the enemy. I will abide in Thy tabernacle for ever: I will trust in the covert of Thy wings. - Psalm 61:1-4

In with the new!

But do we really need to get rid of the old? ;) I'm nostalgic. Almost everything is better remembered than experienced. I wonder if that's sad. . . . . Ah, well. Happy news today!

I have a new niece, two months old. (That's not the new news, but it is good news! =D) I have a new nephew, too. He's about twelve hours old. Hehe. They're both so cute. It's really cool. :) My brothers are Dads. . . . . . THAT is bizarre. And yet, only kind of. Haha.

Life seems to be moving kind of fast. It's happy and exciting, but there's a sense of apprehension. I usually prefer slow changes. With lots of time to adjust and think, pondering over every aspect I can imagine, making sure that I don't get blind-sided by something. (I don't NEED time; I get along pretty well if I can't have it or if the change is something entirely out of my control. But that's neither here nor there.) Don't get me wrong. Life isn't moving TOO fast; just faster than normal.

It takes time for me to get energized about most things. Especially when they have a direct impact on me. A person can tell me wonderful news, but I'll make sure that I really KNOW it's wonderful before I react pleasantly. Tends to make people think that I'm not happy about things, when really, it just takes me a minute to get there.

I don't like being disappointed - it's much easier not to get my hopes up; to make sure that I know exactly what people are telling me; to make sure that I'm not thinking that it's better than it is. I hate disappointing people, too, so I have a hard time building things up. No matter how great something is, I tend to downplay it so they won't get disappointed.

I don't think any of this was ever going anywhere. Just a bunch of useless info that most of you (if there are any of you left) don't care about.

Anyway. I miss my boyfriend. . . . . Don't laugh. It's true. Yes, we talk a lot on the phone. I wish we could talk more. Yes, we used up almost all my texts in only two weeks. I wish we could text all day, all the time, whenever we had a free minute. Like Mike and Tuesday did. Haha. I waited a long time for a boyfriend; I'd like to enjoy it. :)