The Goodness of God

God gave me a trip to Michigan in the Fall. I didn't ask for it; He just gave it to me. 

God gave me a new place, our place; I asked for it, I asked specifically that we could move in before Christmas, and He gave it to me.

God gave me a quiet neighborhood. I didn't ask for it; He just gave it to me.

He gave me a place where the trees change color, where it doesn't feel like summer all the time, where I can actually see and feel the change of the seasons.

And He gave me writing. I'm doing NaNo again this year. In July I didn't think I would ever do another NaNo. I didn't think I would have the time or the ability. For so many months, I couldn't have come up with either the time or the imagination and I thought that's how it would be. A few more months go by and here I am, able to sit at my computer and be creative.

God is so good to me. And I love Him. And when the next trial comes, I want to have this to see and read and remember. He was always there; and He was always good; and He always will be.

God loves me. And I love Him.

When I'm Afraid

I was thinking about vacuuming our bedrooms today and thinking about the ordeal that it has become since Evelynn decided she was scared of the vacuum. And then, something else occurred to me. 

No matter how afraid of the vacuum that she is, she always tries to get to me, even though I'm the one holding the vacuum. Why? Because she finds her security with her parents. We make her feel safe. So it doesn't matter where the vacuum is - all that matters is where I am. 

How often, though, when hard or frightening things come my way, do I simply run away? Not to God, just away from the hardship, away from the trial. Instead of bringing my focus to bear on God, instead of looking to my salvation, I focus on the scary part. I forget where my security is, and I forget that the "vacuum" is in God's hand, following His direction. I act, not like a child who trusts her daddy completely, but like an orphan who doesn't know how to trust anyone. 

You can see it in Evelynn's face. When she looks at me, she knows she's okay. When she looks at the vacuum, she gets worried and falters. 

I must keep my face always toward Jesus. He is my Rock and my Fortress and my strong Deliverer, my Shield and Help in time of need. 

Writing

I miss writing. I don't communicate as well when I stop writing. But that's not really the point. I miss it. It's been a large part of my life for several years.

I probably should have known that I wouldn't be able to write like I was used to, but it just never really occurred to me. I figured that writing was a good thing, a fun thing, a worth-while thing. It wasn't like playing video games or watching TV, where you don't really have anything to show for it at the end. It was productive, like crocheting.

I didn't realize that two years ago would be my last time participating in the National Novel Writing Month. I had to write for several hours every day for the majority of a month in order to do that. Never gonna happen with a kid, but, without really thinking it through, I had planned to take a year off and be back to it this time around.

There have been a few things like that, that I've realized I will probably never be able to do again. I don't regret having Evelynn - she's far and away more valuable than any book I could write. But it takes time to adjust. And often, it takes a little bit of grieving. So this past Monday, I grieved for my writing. I will miss it, but I miss lots of things.

Some of them have been very hard lately. I want so badly to spend a whole year in Michigan again. To experience all four seasons, each in their turn. I miss it all the time, but usually I keep it tucked away in the back. Lately, it doesn't want to stay there.

I miss Michigan. I miss my old people. I miss my family. I miss watching my sister grow up. I miss seeing my dad more than once every other month or so. I miss Fall, watching the maple trees change color, and Winter. I miss raking and shoveling. I miss playing the piano for church. I miss having my own place. I miss being alone for an extended period of time with my husband. I miss quiet. I miss running our household on OUR schedule.

And now I miss writing, too. I'll do it when I can, like we visit Michigan when we can, but just like the visits, it will probably never be enough to satisfy.

Sufficiency

I was lying in bed this morning for a few minutes before Evelynn woke up, enjoying the quiet, enjoying the fact that I've been getting a normal amount of sleep (coupled with a normal sleep schedule - waking up maybe once to make a bathroom run or get a drink of water instead of waking up several times). It's been amazing.

And I was thinking about what kind of advice I would give to someone who was entering motherhood. What would I tell about it? What part would I highlight? No one told me how hard it would be, so I thought that I would have to say that. But as I was thinking about that and how exhausted I've been and how my body has been drained of it's nutrients and things, something else occurred to me.

I cannot drain God. I cannot use Him up. Children can actually, literally use us up. We can be spent for their sake, physically, mentally, and emotionally. But as a child of God, I cannot use Him up. I can never take too much from Him; I can never exhaust Him. He will never snap at me. He will never make the wrong choice because He was too exhausted to think. He will never ignore me because He just can't deal with one more thing today.

There are already a lot of mistakes that I've made with Evelynn. Add another kid or two (or three or four, depending on what God gives to us) into the mix and I am beyond sure that I will be making several mistakes every day.

But it will never be too many. God is sufficient. He will never run out of love, mercy, grace, favor, loving-kindness, or joy. It will ALWAYS be there for the asking - even if I asked for and received some five seconds ago. It's overflowing from Him. I just have to go to Him for it.

Another thing I would tell a to-be mom - it's so worth it. It's beyond worth it. Children are so awesome, that despite all the havoc they make, despite all the exhaustion, despite all the hardships and pains and sorrows, they're a blessing. They're not just "worth it" - they're a blessing! Children are like Romans 8:18 here on Earth - "For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." All the sufferings of the present time can't even be compared with the joy and the glory that is bound up in your kids.

Nutrition

If my last post sounded rather down, I think it should be noted that I was "off my meds." That is, I keep forgetting to take my vitamins and then I get exhausted and then I have a really hard time being my normal, happy self. I've been taking them again for the better part of the week and my outlook has improved dramatically. So, if you're talking to me and I sound rather "blah" for seemingly no good reason, please feel free to ask if I've been taking my vitamins regularly. (If I haven't, chances are I'll be like, 'Doh! I keep forgetting!') This is, I think, the third time it's happened that I've gotten out of the habit of taking them for one reason or another and thus gotten very exhausted as a result.

In other news, my mother-in-law found this website about getting pain relief without going to the doctor. It helped her. It has tons of stuff, and I think it might be worth checking out. It even has migraine-relief techniques.

http://www.do-it-yourself-joint-pain-relief.com/

So it's here for you to look up if you have joint pain, or a headache, or wake up with an injured back.

No One Told Me

I've been thinking about being a Mom a lot, about the things of which my life is composed, about the things I miss, and the feeling that I will never again have a minute or a day that doesn't have a schedule. (I like schedules. I really don't like being tied to one ALL THE TIME.)

And something keeps popping into my head. It goes something like this, "People told me about the pain of childbirth. People told me about the troubles of sleeping when you have a newborn. Why didn't anyone tell me that it doesn't get better?" No one told me about how absolutely, ridiculously difficult it is to have a kid. (Just the one! And as I understand it, she's fairly easy. (Yes, I really want a boy, but wow does it scare me.))

No one told me that every day becomes a battle and for those of us prone to depression, it's very easy to not have any fun at all and you realize it's been a week since you've genuinely felt happy for more than the ten seconds after someone told a joke. No one told me that I wouldn't want to sing anymore, that my basic disposition would change from being happy and energetic to being sad or blah. There are a lot of things that no one ever mentioned, not even in a generalized way.

Well, something occurred to me today. Maybe they didn't tell me because that's not the part that they care about anymore, not the part that lasts. Maybe that part gets overshadowed by the good stuff, by the joys of watching the little ones grow up and being a part of their lives. Maybe, in the end, it fades, just like the pain of childbirth and the exhaustion of sleep deprivation.

And that is a hopeful thought.

Overwhelming Love

I couldn't sleep last night, so my thoughts turned to upcoming days and the things that were scheduled to get done within the next few weeks. That means more shots for Evelynn. I hate shots. I hate seeing my little girl in pain, and I don't think it's a bad thing that I hate it. In my opinion, it doesn't matter if it's a tiny pain or a huge pain - I hate thinking of her being in pain.

And then my thoughts turned to God, to Jesus, to Calvary. God the Father bruised Jesus. It was not a chastisement. It was not to safeguard His well-being. It was to safeguard me; it was to redeem me. Jesus was not the only one who suffered that day. God the Father is not unfeeling or emotionless; He LOVES Jesus with a greater love than I could love Evelynn. But for the sake of His people, God smote Jesus. Jesus died for my sins; but God had to pour out His wrath on His beloved Son for my sins.

Jesus loves me, yes. Jesus took my sins. Jesus paid the cost.
The Father loves me, too. He sent Jesus to take my sins. He dealt the punishment out.

What wondrous love is this!

Infanticide

There was a time when I simply accepted abortion. Not condoned it, but I accepted that it was there and had been there since before I was alive and that it would probably always be there. It just was. I thought there was nothing I could do about it; why then, should I get worked up over it?

I was wrong.

Hopefully everyone who might possibly read this knows about the atrocities that have recently come to light concerning Kermit Gosnell and his abortion clinic. I can't get into those details, even if I wanted to. I shut down and start crying and praying and crying and praying.

And even when that happens, I start to hate myself. Because that is what it took for me to react against abortion as I always should have been. It took THAT - beheadings and severed feet being kept in jars, like sick trophies. It took a monster who didn't even hide behind the the laws of men; it took the brutal murder of over 100 babies. There is no punishment that humanity could assign to that man that would be a just recompence for his evil. Their blood is crying out to God, like Abel's did.

There was a time when I got tired of seeing things about abortion on Facebook. There was a time when I wanted it to be quiet, because I thought there was nothing we could do about it.

It doesn't matter - it SO doesn't matter - if I can or can't do anything about it right now. I can't be faced with something so WRONG, so hideous, so sinful and not say something. I was wrong. I was wrong to sigh at the people who inevitably brought it up, and I was wrong to not lend my voice, my money, my time, and my talents to bolstering them up and fighting for those who are silenced before they have a chance to cry.

I was wrong. To all those who have always been at the place where I have finally come, I'm sorry. I should have been here all along. I should have been fighting with you.

Abortion, in any form, in any way, at any time is murder. Those are children, precious little ones who ought to be loved and held and kissed.

Abortion is so evil; it's not just murder (as if that wouldn't be bad enough). It's vicious and excruciating and cruel.We take great care in executing serial killers. We make it painless. We do the same for animals that are dying. What do we do with our babies? We literally tear them limb from limb, or administer drugs that give them an agonizing death. Unwanted dogs get better treatment than unwanted children.

Murder is bad enough, but torturous, disfiguring murder? They're children. They're precious. They should know warmth and love. They should know safety and security in the arms of their parents. And I wish I could save them.

Abba Father

I was reading the other day in Exodus 3 (verse 15) and something interesting jumped out at me. It probably wouldn't have stuck except that I'm a mom now. On multiple occasions since Evelynn was born I've heard or been told that eventually I will now longer be "Jenn" to most people. I will be "Evelynn's mom." And then I read Exodus 3.

"...Thus shalt thou say unto the children of Israel, The LORD God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, hath sent me unto you: this is My name forever, and this is My memorial unto all generations."

For a long time I've known that Jesus changed forever when He took on humanity. I've known that He will always have a human nature combined in perfect unity with His divinity. However, I had never realized that the entire Godhead had changed their identity in a way for the sake of His people.

Obviously I don't mean to say that God is different in His person or His essence. We know that God does not change in that way. But He changed in the way He made Himself known. He adopted us and made us His children. He is the God is Abraham and Isaac. And He will be forever.

For the rest of eternity He will be known as our Father, our Brother, our Guide. It's one of those things that I knewk but I had never really thought about. God can be identified by Us. By me. Just as I can be identified as Zack's wife or Evelynn's mom. How humbling and incredible! God chose to be known as My Father. Not just to love me and care for me but to tie His name to me.

That is a marvel to me.

Clothes

I was never one for clothes shopping growing up. It wasn't until I was nearing twenty that I finally realized going clothes shopping with the right person (people?) could even be fun. The only person I've really enjoyed it with (that I recall) is my mom, but I like to go by myself sometimes.

Consequently, I wasn't prone to spending my money on clothes. And therefore, I didn't have nearly as many clothes as many girls my age. I was never lacking and I don't regret it in the slightest, but now I'm discovering that you kind of have to buy clothes on a regular basis or you do run out. They get holes and stains - faster when you have a little one.

So I went shopping on Monday and bought three things from Goodwill (because I'd rather put in some extra time looking/sorting than have to spend $20-$30 on a pair of pants). And then I realized that, aside from one maternity shirt that I bought whilst pregnant, I hadn't bought myself any clothes in over a year. In fact, in the two years we've been married, I think I've bought myself four things total - two pairs of shorts, a dress, and that maternity shirt. I probably would have had to buy more, but my mama sends me boxes regularly and they often have clothes in them.

Anyway. It kind of hit me funny because I know more than a couple people who LOVE buying clothes - or they just spend a lot of money on a few nice things. So I thought it was interesting.

In other news I trimmed my hair, but I didn't really have enough time to do much styling with it, so it's safely tucked away in a pony tail where no one can really tell what it looks like until I have a chance to mess with it some more. :)

Last of all, we're on schedule to make it to the home Bible Study tonight. This will be only the second the time that I've been since Evelynn was born, but I'm hoping that (with the time change and her longer wake times now) we'll be able to get out every week again. :) Or at least, MOST weeks. Haha.

Absent

I feel bad for not having written anything lately, but life is busy these days. Evelynn is growing and changing and being as cute as ever, though her little sin nature is starting to make itself more and more evident. Her giggles are the cutest. Last night she giggled several times just from me talking to her; I was really happy that Zack was home to hear it. Her laughter usually comes in the evening time, which makes those nights when Zack is off more special, I think. Occasionally, he even gets home from work early enough to see her before she goes to bed for the night.

And to see me before I go to bed, too. Hahaha.

We're getting settled into a new place and there are several new possibilities coming up. The company Zack works for is expanding and putting new stores in mostly in Texas, but they're planning to move north from there into the Midwest. Who knows? In five years, maybe Michigan will have WinCo - I think my mother would like that. It's possible that God is going to move us out of California, which is somewhat exciting for me. I would prefer not to go to Texas, since I think it's actually even hotter there than where we are in CaliLand, but it would definitely be cheaper to buy a house.

After several months of not being able to actually be in a church service, I made it this past Sunday. Sadly, Zack was home sick with a stomach bug, but since he was able to watch over Evelynn (and church starts at the same time as her nap time, so she was sleeping almost the entire time), it worked out well. I was able to sing with the people and take communion and listen to the entire sermon without getting distracted by trying to keep a baby asleep.

I've thought about putting her in the nursery - particularly when her Grandma Shrout is in there - but I don't know if I'm ready to do that. It was really nice to be in church. It was amazing to actually be able to follow along in my Bible as we turned to different passages. But she's only four months old, and I think I would spend as much time wondering about how she was doing as I would normally spend trying to get her to sleep in my arms. Maybe in another month or so. . . Or maybe after the time change happens next week and her nap time isn't supposed to start when church does. Haha.

Speaking of the time change, I'm really looking forward to it. I'm hoping that we can all adjust to the new time while Evelynn stays on roughly the same schedule. And thus, she will suddenly be getting up at 8:30 in the morning instead of 7:30. That would be pretty awesome thing.

Last of all, we've been working on our RPG. Zack has made a bunch of tiles and I've been putting them down into a map. It's quite fun, if a little time-consuming. There are a lot of things I would like to do these days, and I feel that I never have quite enough time. But I'm learning that it's okay not to get EVERYTHING done - as long as I get some things done every day, it's enough.

So Much to Show You

Zack and I were in the kitchen quoting Star Wars the other day (yes, that is rather normal for us; yes, we are that cool [aka, geeky]), and I got very excited about all the things that we get to introduce to Evelynn. Star Wars and ice cream and picnics and pizza and late-night walks and football. So many things that make life a little bit more enjoyable.

And then I had this thought: "I wonder if that's how God feels about bringing us to Heaven." Is He just waiting for us to "grow up" so He can show us more? So He can give us even greater things to experience?

At first I was thinking about all the physical things that He could show us - like I can give Evelynn ice cream in a year or so. I really doubt that the Earth is the end of God's imagination. I really doubt that God doesn't have designs for new animals, even better Grand Canyons, more magnificent Niagra Falls.

But really, that stuff isn't what makes Paradise Paradise. God is. What makes it Paradise is that every new physical thing we see, is going to be another perfect picture of God, not the tainted view we have now. Like you could cover a wall with photos that show the same person from a thousand different angles with a thousand different expressions, the world reflects Who God is. Different angles, different aspects, different emphases, different characteristics.

It wasn't just the idea of showing Evelynn things; it was the idea of seeing her get excited about things, of seeing her enjoy the same things that Zack and I enjoy. It was the thought of seeing her start to form opinions and remark about things in her individual way.

I know that there are Christians who long for the days where they won't be fighting with themselves anymore, when they can do as they want to and glorify God with all they are all the time. I think God is waiting with just as much excitement about it. Probably more because He knows exactly what it's going to be like, while we just have ideas.

It's fun to think about going someplace you love; it's even more fun to think about being greeted with warmth and happiness and excitement. Imagine walking through the gates of the City of God and Jesus walks up, hugs you and says, "I have so much to show you!"

And, oh yeah, there's all the other people who've gone before you who want to tell you about the things they love best, too.

New Year

I was thinking about how people write down all the stuff that happened to them in the previous year, and at first I thought it was kind of silly and overdone. Be original! was my take. But then I thought about it a bit more and I thought, why not? Why not take this, such a wonderful opportunity, and use it to share what God has done this year?

So here's my list of things that were important to me in 2012.

Found out I was pregnant.
Celebrated our first anniversary.
Visited Michigan twice.
Got a new niece.
Started a new blog - "Freedom in Christ."
Made a new friend.
Had four small jobs to help with expenses.
My little sister became a teenager.
Had a baby!
My mom and sister came to visit.
Read/listened through the Bible twice.
Finished the rough draft of my novel.

There are a lot of other things that I could write, but those are the biggest things that happened. It's not really that long - I live a pretty normal life - but there's a lot that goes into some of those. There have been some hard times this year, particularly the past few months; but I'm happy that I can start a new year in a good place.

"... thanks be to God which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."