Some Ponderings

I got saved when I was four. I don't remember a radical change in my life. I don't remember the time of day. I have no idea where I was. I don't remember which house we were living in, who was with me, what kind of prayer I said, etc. There's a lot about it that I have no idea. In fact, there is pretty much only ONE thing that I really remember - there was this feeling of relief and joy afterward. I think maybe I asked my mom to call Grandma, but I'm not sure. For a while, I wondered - if I don't remember, was that really when I got saved? Shouldn't I be able to remember something that huge?

Looking back, it seems kind of silly. But people always ask for your testimony, for the account of how and why you got saved. If you don't remember, how can you know? How can they know?

It's such a funny thought now. How many of us remember being born? Does that mean it didn't happen, or that it should be doubted? Does the fact that I don't remember mean that my parents don't KNOW that I was born, that I'm theirs? And really, how much does a memory prove something? I "remembered" my husband coming to bed at 4:15 this morning. He actually came to bed around 1am. And my memory is something I'm going to base the proving of my salvation on?? That was just last night - I'm trying to remember almost twenty years ago with my salvation!

I highly doubt that most people who grow up in Christian homes have a conversion experience like Paul's. It's not a stark difference kind of deal - because we grow up not being allowed to act like what we are. Our parents curb us and direct us and wall things off (and wisely so), and so we learn to be that way. And then when we get saved and WANT to be that way, there's not a huge outward difference.

So how do you know? I think the parable of the sower has the only answer - time will tell. Some look like they are, they continue for a while - but they leave. They fade. They go away. In the end, they're not. And it doesn't matter how much their conversion experience sounded like yours. And it doesn't matter how many years they've gone to church and how much money they've given. All that matters is where their heart is.

There were certain loved ones that I used to worry about because they didn't ever seem to show the same kind of longing and thirst for God that I saw elsewhere. I used to worry because, how do I know? How do I know that my cousin, my friend, my brother, my parents are actually God's? There are indicators of course - self-evaluation of whether or not you love the Church and such - but I think the only real test is time. And that's why it just doesn't really matter if you remember when exactly God saved you and what the circumstances were. That's not the measurement. The measurement is whether it lasts.