Motherhood

I'm a mom.

It's kind of a simple thing to say. It probably carries a lot of differing ideas for people depending on what kind of mom they had. I feel like I've suddenly aged or matured or something. It happened all at once. It wasn't a gradual increasing. It was a massive leap, and I'm not sure exactly when it happened. I wasn't a mom; now I am. That part has a definite time; but when did it happen internally? I'm not sure. I feel like someone very different.

And at the same time, I feel . . . too young. I wonder how in the world I'm mature enough to be living in an apartment 2,000 miles away from my parents. I wonder how I can possibly be old enough to have been married for nearly two years. I wonder when exactly it happened that I ceased being a teenager.

I'm a mom??? Yeah. I'm a mom.

And an overprotective one. I've never wanted to hold other people's babies. It's not that I dislike holding them, but I've never seen someone else's baby and wanted to hold it. Usually I accept when they offer because I would feel rude saying, "No, I don't want to hold your baby." That's just not what people do. Sometimes, I accept because I want an unhindered view and holding a baby is the best way to see them.

However, I find that I don't want anyone else to hold my baby. I don't like it when aunts and uncles hold her for more than a few minutes. I don't like handing her off to church people at all. I'm okay with Grandparents having her for a bit longer, but that has its time limits as well. When there are people around, I'm good with me or Zack and that's about it.

I don't really feel like that's a bad thing, although I suppose at some point I'm going to have to be able to leave her with other people. . . . Maybe by that time I'll be less clingy. Haha. I've heard of kids having separation anxiety, but I wonder if it's common in mothers, too. I certainly get it.

It's so weird. I have a labor story. I have a birthing story. I could give people nursing advice or at least inform them of things that were problematic for me.

We're not just a couple anymore; we're a family. It's a funny thing - I can hardly wait for the next one. No, I don't want to be pregnant again. No, I don't want to go through labor again. No, I don't really want to have another birthing story. But I do want our next addition. 'Cause I'm a mom now.