How can this be?

Nine hours of sleep and my eyes still feel tired. It's just not right.

I'm getting a piano today!!!!! =D I'm so excited. I haven't been this excited since two weeks ago! I'm going to have a piano again!!!! EeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! =D

And now for something new, which I am going to try to keep up with. This segment of the blog will be named. . . .

Something new my husband has taught me: Peanut Butter and Honey sandwiches are delicious. I wouldn't have believed it, but I wanted something sweet that wasn't chocolate. We didn't have any marshmallows (at the time; this situation has been rectified; Mom, you were right), and the closest thing I could think of was honey. As Zack had spoken of them multiple times, I decided that I would try one of those PB&H sandwiches. Turns out they're wonderfully yummy. Thanks, Sweetie. :)

And that's all my poor eyes can take for now. (And it's pretty much all that I can think to write, too.) I really think I need new glasses. Either that or some clouds. Or something. . . . Carrots? Nah, that's just for night vision, right? Oh well.

Piano. Piano. Piano. Piano. =D

It's About Time

For a new post!

This trip was the first time that anything has broken in transit and it happened twice. :/ I knew I should have packed those things differently too. That's the real kicker. Actually, I don't know what's worse. When you do something with a strong feeling of what the outcome is going to be, or when something happens and you're totally blind-sided. Anyone have an opinion on that?

It's perpetually sunny here. I had hoped with it being sorta winter still that they might have more clouds, weather where I can actually wear long-sleeved shirts, etc. But that was obviously not to be. (I really need to clean our slider. . . ) Consequently, I'm very happy to stay in all day on occasion, even if it LOOKS very tempting. I know that I probably won't enjoy going out onto our balcony to stand in the sun.

Please pray that I can find a part-time job. I don't really want forty hours, but I know I'm going to get bored here pretty quickly. With Zack working ten hours, I really only have to make three meals a week. Supper on Tuesdays and Saturdays and dinner on Sunday. Which is perfectly fine with me. Haha. I'm not much of a cook. . . . But that doesn't give me a whole lot to do aside from clean. And I pretty much cleaned the whole apartment in about two hours today. While some of it IS stuff that I can do every day, some isn't. There just really isn't a whole lot of sense to sweeping the floor every single day.

I've been craving weird things lately. Like honey. I never eat honey; usually I don't even like it. Honeymoon baby? Probably not, but the possibility of me getting pregnant is always there in my head now. It's kind of weird to think about.

I really want a book. A good book. A fantasy book. I don't think we have any here. Not one. Maybe we'll go to the library.

Have to start working on getting my name changed tomorrow. Sounds like it's really easy. Just going and standing in line for a while, filling out a form, and voila! Hope it's as simple as it sounds and that the lines aren't really long.

Well, there you have it. My first blog post as a married woman. I'm married. It's pretty awesome. :)

Send Me Anywhere

When I was very little, I used to pretend a lot in my head. I was too self-conscious to do the talking and thinking aloud, but I would come up with very detailed futures for myself, realistic or fantastic. Sometimes I would imagine myself an android, like Data. Yes, I was a Trekkie at an early age. Sometimes, I had a little brother named Gideon and my parents had been kidnapped.

The more real ones, I always imagined myself far away from home - alone. That was actually a common theme in real or make-believe. No parents, no older siblings. If there was anyone, it was someone depending on me. Maybe it was because I had a tendency to feel alone, so that was the way I always thought I would be. Maybe I wanted to be the one in charge. I do know it wasn't because I WANTED to get away from my family because I didn't. I loved my family; I always have, always will. But it was always a given with me that I was going to leave.

I was practicing singing for church tonight, and I came across two of my very favorite songs. One, Here Am I Lord, I'd known since I was very small and we had our first Patch the Pirate tape (Goes to the Jungle). I knew that song very very well. I loved that song. I'd prayed that song throughout my life. I wanted to be a missionary's or an evangelist's wife. I wanted to travel and be used of God. More recently, I came to know another song, Lord, Send Me Anywhere. The chorus is a quote from David Livingston:

"Lord, send me anywhere, only go with me.
Lay any burden on me, only sustain me.
Sever any tie, save the tie that binds me to Thy heart.
Lord Jesus, my King, I consecrate my life, Lord, to Thee."

I learned those words at college. I sang them and I meant them, but I never dreamed how much I would be tested by them. If I had, I probably would have assumed I was ready for it. Haha. Naive.

I have ties to family, friends, memories, The Farm, Michigan itself. They're not all exactly being severed, but they're definitely getting stretched or thinned. Ties to many of my friends HAVE been severed. The message boards? Yeah, they're gone. The friends that went with them? Gone, except for a random comment here and there on Facebook. If my parents are right and the U. S. is about to collapse financially, ties to family may well be severed, too, and to Michigan.

"I only have one life and that will soon be past.
I want my life to count for Christ
What's done for Him will last."

It's a harder song to sing now. If God decided to test it by severing my tie to Zack? It's a scary thought. And yet. . . there's a comfort knowing that if He did that, He'd be there to get me through, like He has been with moving to Cali. God be thanked and praised, I still meant those words when I sang them tonight, sitting at my beloved piano, in our kitchen on a snowy, winter night in good ole Michigan, my little sister standing next to me, singing them with me, my dear, dear mama in the background working on flowers for the wedding.

Here, have a poem.

It's missing something. . . . Oh well. Have it anyway. ;)

My loving Father God above
I bow down at your throne
In prayer, I come to worship You
In the way You have made known

And as I come with heart made right
I bring my woes and cares
And with a soul You've made contrite
I tell You all my prayers

I thank You for all You have done
You've held me in Your hand
You've fed me, clothed me, kept me safe
You've lifted me to stand.

I ask for things, for self and friends
My fears I speak to You
Sometimes I cannot voice my needs
But I know You hear thoughts, too.

And then I reach the end of my list
I pause, my hopes pulse bright
For there my greatest request I see
Lord, come again in might!

O, Father, how I long to see
The day of Christ appear
O, Father, I know it will be.
Christ's coming is drawing near!

Oh for me to see the day
The day You meet us there
Oh for me from death to stray
To meet You in the air.

Up in the clouds, we'll fly to You
As You descend to Earth
What a greeting that will be
Full of joyfulness and mirth.

And so my God, I ask in earnest
Please come again, I pray
Come once and take us home with You
Come again on Judgment Day.

New Year, New Look

Only took me forever to figure out how to change my template. I'm blind. Or tired. . . . Hope you like it. :)

Now go read last year's last entry. ;)

Happy 2011!

Last Chance

Well, the New Year is about 44 minutes away, and this is my last chance to get another blog entry in for the grand year of 2010. It has been a good one. A lot has happened. I introduced my boyfriend to my parents. I got flowers from him for Valentine's Day. My totally adorable niece and nephew were born this year. I got engaged. I turned 21. And that was all in the first half of the year. Haha.

I wrote a 50,000 word novella in less than a month. I was in one of my best friend's weddings. :) I addressed and mailed a whole bunch of invitations. Hehe. I threatened my fiance's brother numerous times. *evil grin* I got my first apartment, even though I won't be moving in for a month yet. Yes, it's been a good year. I liked it, and I'll probably miss it enough to put the wrong date on a few checks. . . Always happens. . . .

Some people look back on a year and say, "I have no regrets!" I don't understand those people. Haha. I have regrets. I have regrets from today, much less from an entire year. But the good part is that though this is the last chance for this year, is isn't the last chance to do better. I can do better tomorrow and next week and next year. If I do, it's only because God gave me the grace to do so. If I do, it's only because some of the lessons that He's been pounding into my head finally sink in. (I'm starting to wonder if that ever happens. . . .)

So I look forward to tomorrow, having time with family that I probably won't be able to see much during the rest of my life, hearing about my fiance moving into OUR apartment (that's so much fun to say, =D), figuring out exactly what I'm going to put in the Middle, because I still haven't done that. . . . Hmm.

It's going to be a new year. I expect it to be kind of hard, kind of long, kind of stretching. I expect it to be uncomfortable at times. I expect it to be humiliating at times, 'cause I'm going to need it. But all in all, I know that no matter how difficult it is, how much I miss my family, how mundane doing the dishes is going to get (right now it's still a very exciting thought to do OUR dishes in OUR place, hehe), and so much more. . . . I'm going to have two things: God and Zack.

Next year is going to have the day in which my longest-lasting goal comes true, and I get my Zack permanently. =) And that was all I've ever wanted. :)

Oh snaps. . . . .

I just ate three strands of delicious red Twizzlers.
It's good to be home. :)

And I have a 100,000 candy bar waiting for me later. :) Ah, Fall Fest candy. A tradition I shall have to continue. I also have half a bag of pretzels from my gentleman admirer. He keeps me salty to make sure I don't get headaches. (I have a strange body.)

But anyway.
Here I am, sitting at my computer with less than six weeks until I get married. . . . . This is a new kind of bizarre. The rational, logical side of me says, "Well, duh, you're getting married. You've known that for at least eight months now. What's the big deal?" The more emotional, flighty, "eeeeeeeeeee!"ing side of me is less. . . stable. Haha. It is more freaking out. "What am I supposed to be doing? There's got to be something I need to do! I should be making lists! I should have every little detail planned out and ready to go as soon as it's needed! There's less than six weeks!!!!"

It talks in exclamation points at this time. Sometimes even caps, which gets tiresome and then I have to close it up in the back room. Most of the time it doesn't notice for a while and I get a nice break.

I really can't think of anything that MUST get done now. The only thing I can think to work on is the music selection, which I'm slightly putting off because. . . Well, because I have a hard time choosing. I like so many things and most of them are not particularly happy/wedding sounding. I tend to like the pieces that tug my heartstrings, not necessarily the ones that make me want to do a Snoopy Dance. (Although the latter most definitely has a place and a time.) Maybe I'll have Kristin play Linus and Lucy. . . . Haha. That would be amazing for the reception. . . . =)

But I digress.
Actually, it's my blog, I think I can ramble if I want to.
But I don't want to now.
Still digressing.

I'm getting married in less than six weeks. . . . I'm freaking out. =)

Overflowing

I sit here, listening to my Pride and Prejudice soundtrack, thinking. I can smell the conditioner in my hair still - it smells fruity, and I like it. I'm surrounded by my stuff - piano figurines from my mom, a horse from my grandma, a hummingbird thing from Aunt Joy, and a bunch of clothes. I have books, and stuff, and pretty things, and shoes, and jewelry - oh, the jewelry! I have everything I need to live, and so much more.

And that's just the material stuff.

I have family - even more now. Not just my immediate family, or Dad's side and Mom's side, but Zack's Mom's side and his Dad's side. And church families. Friends that are like family. And I have Zack. There's a lot that goes into those words. . . . I have someone who will care for me and about me like no other person ever has or ever will, someone who wants to hear my dumb stories not only because he likes knowing all the insignificant details that go into my day, but because he likes to hear me talk.

And that's just the human stuff.

I have a God Who loves me, so much that He gave His Son to buy me back. He adopted me and made me His child. He engraved my name on His hand. He gave me His Word so I can know Him; He gave me brothers and sisters, so we can meet together and worship Him, and share all that He's done for us; He gave me a beautiful world to live in, blue skies, and crashing thunderstorms, and indescribable sunsets over water so reflective it looks like it's burning as much as the sky; He gave me fuzzy animals to take care of and to love and to pet; He gave me technology and airplanes so I can fly and visit the people I love.

And my heart is overflowing with love and gratitude and amazement.

Another poem

There must be something about Sundays. I guess they get me thinking. This started yesterday, not in writing, but in my head. Zack pointed out some things to me and it kind of began a snowball effect. I have a feeling it's not done yet, but the poem is. I don't think it's flowy/polished as the previous one.

My Failure and Prayer

I have failed once again
I turned my back on God and then
I looked and saw myself and grinned
I looked in pride and how I sinned!
My arms were raised, my head held high
To God I would not call or cry
No help from others did I seek
I found no reason to be meek
In pride and arrogance I thought
I needed nothing others taught.
Oh, look at this, what I became!
Look what I've done to His dear name!

I stopped my mind and closed my ears
To all the things I'd learned for years.
In foolishness, I thought I stood
My eyes were covered like a hood
By sin, my own, my wicked works
The darkness that within me lurks
I stole, I lied, I put self first
And I completely lost my thirst
I didn't want the precious food
I grew conceited, mean, and rude
I lost the joy of serving Him
As I rebelled, my eyes went dim.
I thought I prayed, but now it's clear
To heav'n my words I did not steer.
I prayed to self! I spoke and praised
In wicked blindness, I was crazed.
Could not see the way I went
Couldn't hear what God's Word meant.
Did I lie, or was I blind?
Did I know within my mind?
Of what I did, was I aware?
I never took the time to care.
I didn't think; I didn't stop
Put forth my hand and took the sop.
Oh wretched heart! I've been deceived!
And all my fault; for I'd received
The word that told me not to trust
Myself, my heart, my sinful lust.

I don't remember choosing it;
Somehow I woke inside the pit.
Looking back now I can see
The way my focus was on me
Not for the glory of my God.
So I fell 'neath His chast'ning rod.
Oh, Father God, don't let it stay!
Please don't let me live this way!
Change me as You only can
Remove from me the former man
Shape me into something new
Make me to reflect but You
Not a part of self to show
The sin root out, make me like snow.
Use those you have placed around
Help me now adore the sound
Of their voices, dear and kind
As they guide me toward Your mind
Please, my Father, Abba, please!
Hear me praying on my knees
Take pity on Your child, her need
Back to Your side, please safely lead.
Let me ne'er forget the hole
That fills me when sin takes its toll.
I pray, my God, my Lord, my King
Return to me the joy to sing
Fill me once again with You
A contrite heart in me, renew.
And hold me closely to Your heart
Please never let me move apart.

What Would You Be?

This topic has been in my head for a while now, due to some situations in life, but it decided to take verse this morning during Sunday School. I scrawled a few lines down so I wouldn't lose them and then came home and finished it after lunch. I couldn't decide which name to use, so that's why the title of the poem and the title of the blog differ.

What I Would Be

Can you see what I would be,
If God had no mercy on me?
Can you hear the words I'd say
If He'd not come to me that day?
See the look and hear the tone
Watch the deeds done when alone
In the dark - even in light!
Too proud and base to hide til night.
So lifted up in my own view
The things I'd do would change the hue
Of the purest flower of white
To deepest blush of red in sight
I can see it in my mind
As if it happened years behind
Oh great depravity of man!
How to my sins I clung and ran
As far from God as I could be
Ev'n to drown in the deepest sea.
And once in Hell, my bed all made
I'd look afar and see them laid
The bride of Christ bowed at His feet
And Him upon the highest seat
Down far below as anguish tore
I'd watch as His white robes they wore
The robes of Christ, His righteousness
And I would burn righteous-less
For all the deeds I'd done in life -
Steal and lie and stir up strife
Hate and kill, no love within
Except for self and my dear sin
All my guilt would stay on me
For ever and eternity
There in the dark and endless doom
There in the fire and heavy gloom
Oh I can see what awaited me!
For I know what I would be
If not for the grace of God
I'd die forever under the rod
Of punishment, my just reward
For not accepting Christ my Lord
For rebellion, I would pay
On that terrible judgment day
But in His mercy, Jesus came
And I have never been the same
His love has changed me thru and thru
By His grace, I'm made anew
Do you know what you would be?
That crumbling path, can you see?
The one you walked before He came?
The one you'd crawled when you were lame,
And sick, infirmed, and deeply blind
Before Christ was ever in your mind?
Do you know where you would rest?
Still on earth, or in fire's crest?
Would you have died long ago?
If not for God's protecting you so?
I think at times we lose this sight
We think we would have been alright
We forget the change He's worked within
We forget the bondage we'd had to sin
And then because we're thinking wrong
We have no joy and inner song
We speak to those who's lives are torn
And without love we speak in scorn
Forgetting that we'd be alike!
If Christ had not accepted the spike
If He'd not taken me from that path
I, too, would be inciting His wrath
And so would you, my Christian friend
We would have met that same dark end
We would have lived and died accursed
Don't think the lost are the worst.
Who can tell if I'd not have been
Hitler or Stalin, murderous men
And what of you, do you know
The depths of sin that you can sow?
What new twisted way you may have gone?
God's prophet assunder you might have sawn.
So think it through and when you're done
I hope you'll see and to Christ you'll run
Reminded that you couldn't be good
Without God's help, burn you would.
And to the lost, who can't abstain
From sinning, imbuing their lives with pain
Take pity, be kind, share God's gift
Perhaps He'll decide them to lift
Up to Heav'n, adopting them
And together, we'll bow at His hem.
Children of God, every one
Bound together by the death of His Son.