So Much to Show You

Zack and I were in the kitchen quoting Star Wars the other day (yes, that is rather normal for us; yes, we are that cool [aka, geeky]), and I got very excited about all the things that we get to introduce to Evelynn. Star Wars and ice cream and picnics and pizza and late-night walks and football. So many things that make life a little bit more enjoyable.

And then I had this thought: "I wonder if that's how God feels about bringing us to Heaven." Is He just waiting for us to "grow up" so He can show us more? So He can give us even greater things to experience?

At first I was thinking about all the physical things that He could show us - like I can give Evelynn ice cream in a year or so. I really doubt that the Earth is the end of God's imagination. I really doubt that God doesn't have designs for new animals, even better Grand Canyons, more magnificent Niagra Falls.

But really, that stuff isn't what makes Paradise Paradise. God is. What makes it Paradise is that every new physical thing we see, is going to be another perfect picture of God, not the tainted view we have now. Like you could cover a wall with photos that show the same person from a thousand different angles with a thousand different expressions, the world reflects Who God is. Different angles, different aspects, different emphases, different characteristics.

It wasn't just the idea of showing Evelynn things; it was the idea of seeing her get excited about things, of seeing her enjoy the same things that Zack and I enjoy. It was the thought of seeing her start to form opinions and remark about things in her individual way.

I know that there are Christians who long for the days where they won't be fighting with themselves anymore, when they can do as they want to and glorify God with all they are all the time. I think God is waiting with just as much excitement about it. Probably more because He knows exactly what it's going to be like, while we just have ideas.

It's fun to think about going someplace you love; it's even more fun to think about being greeted with warmth and happiness and excitement. Imagine walking through the gates of the City of God and Jesus walks up, hugs you and says, "I have so much to show you!"

And, oh yeah, there's all the other people who've gone before you who want to tell you about the things they love best, too.

New Year

I was thinking about how people write down all the stuff that happened to them in the previous year, and at first I thought it was kind of silly and overdone. Be original! was my take. But then I thought about it a bit more and I thought, why not? Why not take this, such a wonderful opportunity, and use it to share what God has done this year?

So here's my list of things that were important to me in 2012.

Found out I was pregnant.
Celebrated our first anniversary.
Visited Michigan twice.
Got a new niece.
Started a new blog - "Freedom in Christ."
Made a new friend.
Had four small jobs to help with expenses.
My little sister became a teenager.
Had a baby!
My mom and sister came to visit.
Read/listened through the Bible twice.
Finished the rough draft of my novel.

There are a lot of other things that I could write, but those are the biggest things that happened. It's not really that long - I live a pretty normal life - but there's a lot that goes into some of those. There have been some hard times this year, particularly the past few months; but I'm happy that I can start a new year in a good place.

"... thanks be to God which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."

First Shots

Today, Evelynn got two shots at the pediatrician's office. It was probably as traumatic for me as it was for her. It's hard watching her get hurt, harder when Zack and I are the ones making the decision for her to get hurt.

And yet, we do it because we think it's best for her.

It occurred to me on the way home today that she won't remember that pain, but I will. The whole thing is very bright in my memory, not that I like to think about it. And then I wondered how much pain God had brought to me for my good that I can't even remember now. How many of my tears has He captured forever that I've long forgotten?

It puts things in a different perspective. She didn't do something to deserve that pain. It wasn't a punishment. It wasn't discipline. It was for her to have a happy healthy life.

Having made that decision for her, it makes me wonder how much God has hurt for me when I'm in pain that I never appreciated before. Somehow, I always assumed that knowing something is good for someone takes the pain out of it. Somehow, I thought because He knows it's best that He didn't hurt for me.

I'm not looking forward to the next bout of shots; I wonder how much the Father wasn't "looking forward" to the cross. We know about Jesus' side of it, about His prayer in the garden. I don't think we usually think of the Father's side. After today, I think He was weeping right along with His Son.

Navy Shoes

I've been looking for good navy dress shoes for a long time. I found these online - not perfect, but I like them.

Shoes

I wonder why navy shoes have such a tendency to be suede. . . . Do people LIKE suede??? Oh well.

Smiles

She smiled at me tonight.

Evelynn has smiled before. Real smiles, too. But this was the first time she smiled AT ME. And it wasn't a passing smile either. It was a long smile. She was falling asleep in my arms and I touched her cheek and she smiled at me. Really big and beautiful, she gave that toothless grin that makes her look so contented. I wish to the highest heavens that I could have taken a picture of that smile to show everyone. I suppose I'll have to be satisfied with my mental picture.

Then she closed her eyes and the smile went away. When I got over my momentary giggling bout, and ceased kissing her soft, pudgy cheek, I said, "Mama loves you." And she smiled at me again.

Motherhood

I'm a mom.

It's kind of a simple thing to say. It probably carries a lot of differing ideas for people depending on what kind of mom they had. I feel like I've suddenly aged or matured or something. It happened all at once. It wasn't a gradual increasing. It was a massive leap, and I'm not sure exactly when it happened. I wasn't a mom; now I am. That part has a definite time; but when did it happen internally? I'm not sure. I feel like someone very different.

And at the same time, I feel . . . too young. I wonder how in the world I'm mature enough to be living in an apartment 2,000 miles away from my parents. I wonder how I can possibly be old enough to have been married for nearly two years. I wonder when exactly it happened that I ceased being a teenager.

I'm a mom??? Yeah. I'm a mom.

And an overprotective one. I've never wanted to hold other people's babies. It's not that I dislike holding them, but I've never seen someone else's baby and wanted to hold it. Usually I accept when they offer because I would feel rude saying, "No, I don't want to hold your baby." That's just not what people do. Sometimes, I accept because I want an unhindered view and holding a baby is the best way to see them.

However, I find that I don't want anyone else to hold my baby. I don't like it when aunts and uncles hold her for more than a few minutes. I don't like handing her off to church people at all. I'm okay with Grandparents having her for a bit longer, but that has its time limits as well. When there are people around, I'm good with me or Zack and that's about it.

I don't really feel like that's a bad thing, although I suppose at some point I'm going to have to be able to leave her with other people. . . . Maybe by that time I'll be less clingy. Haha. I've heard of kids having separation anxiety, but I wonder if it's common in mothers, too. I certainly get it.

It's so weird. I have a labor story. I have a birthing story. I could give people nursing advice or at least inform them of things that were problematic for me.

We're not just a couple anymore; we're a family. It's a funny thing - I can hardly wait for the next one. No, I don't want to be pregnant again. No, I don't want to go through labor again. No, I don't really want to have another birthing story. But I do want our next addition. 'Cause I'm a mom now.

In the Dark

Schedules are pretty important. I like having a schedule, even if it's a loose one that can get tossed in the air. I like having a plan. 

But sometimes, plans just fall all to pieces. I had plans for how childbirth was going to go. I had expectations (which, looking back, was really dumb, since this was my first time) about how things were going to go and I had plans for how I wanted to deal with it.

Well, nothing went according to plan. Sunday, October the 28th was the longest, hardest, most exhausting day of my life. It was, to be perfectly honest, a horrible day. I ceased to be able to think, I quit trying to care about things like not getting an epidural - all I wanted was to sleep, and I'd have settled for getting knocked out or dying. But it didn't matter. I was pain-free, completely numbed from the waist down, worn out to the point of crying over everything and nothing, and I still could not sleep.

It was not a happy day; but it was a good day. It was the most trying day of my life, and I failed a lot that day. I fell to pieces so many times. I reached the point of wanting to die. I couldn't think of how to pray for anything, so I laid there praying, "Help me. Oh, Father God, please help me."

My little girl came that day. God did help me. Zack was amazing. It was good; it was over; things were getting better; we were back on schedule.

And then they came in and told us that Evelynn's bilirubin count was too high and she needed phototherapy. And it all happened again. My plans, my schedule, my ideas for how things were going to go - it was all gone, and I was standing next to her bassinet for the next three hours trying to console my baby.

There's been no schedule since then. There's been no plan, and I hate it. And I know I shouldn't, because there is a plan - I just don't know it. There's always been a plan, a plan far better than mine.

We don't like being in the dark. When Evelynn had to stay in those lights, she had to wear these goggles to protect her eyes. It was the goggles more than anything else that she hated. She hated the dark. But it was best for her, and she was better off when she trusted Mom's and Dad's voices and was still.

I'm in the dark. I don't know what I'm doing; I don't know where we're headed and there are too many scary things that I can imagine. I don't have a schedule and I don't know how to get one back. And every time I try to plan, it falls apart on me. I have lost everything that I was going to do for her. The real kicker is that SHE doesn't seem to be any worse off for it. It just makes me feel like I'm failing.

So I'm going to try to do what I wanted my little girl to do that day; I'm going to try to rest in God's words; I'm going to try to lie still in the dark for as long as He says I need it; I'm going to try to trust His hand as it firmly pulls my goggles back in place.

And I'll probably be freaking out later today and need God to hold my hand and whisper, "Shhhh, it's okay, little girl. I'm right here."

Heal Our Land

I read a blog today that gave me some new information on Mitt Romney. Apparently, he's been quoted in the news as saying that he will not pursue anti-abortion legislation. Let me repeat that, He will not pursue ANY ANTI-ABORTION LEGISLATION.

I know a lot of people who are basing their vote solely on the abortion issue. (Just to be clear, I have no problem with that and if I thought Romney could/would actually do something, I'd probably vote for him.) When your candidate comes out and says something like that, what now are you basing your vote on?? He said he's not going to do anything about it; he's not even pretending. Politicians lie all the time; he didn't have to say that. He said it BEFORE being elected; that man does NOT care about the abortion issue. He will not pursue it.

I've heard so much talk about praying for revival and for the healing of our land and for people to turn to God. And then the same people talk about how awful things are going to get and how if we don't do more that Christians are going to be persecuted and killed and churches will be outlawed. Has it not occurred to anyone that the second is the answer from God to the first??

Churches blossom under persecution; the Church grows and is strengthened! The fakers and pew-warmers flee and the Church erupts in new life! Why? Because suddenly we MUST lean on Him for everything! The crutch of the government is taken away; the idols of comfort and financial security are stripped from us. In that instance, we have to look to God for our peace, for our security, for our comfort, for our joy. Suddenly, prayer doesn't have to be preached on because everyone is constantly praying. Suddenly, things like pants on women are not important - but staying faithful and being bold witnesses are. Suddenly, the peripheral things again find their proper place and we have to keep our eyes on Jesus.

For so long we've been looking at our country and asking God to renew it; doesn't anyone think that maybe that's EXACTLY what He's doing? Our churches are in sorry shape. And we know this! And we pray that God would give us revival. Maybe He's doing just that. Maybe He's answering all our prayers. Have you thought about that? Maybe God is giving us what we asked for through OBAMA?

No political maneuvering, no human figure is going to save our country; it doesn't have that power. Only GOD has the power to save or destroy a nation. And what does God use to turn a nation around? He uses His Word, spread through His people. We pray that God will turn our nation toward Him. Well, guess what. We might have to pay physically for that to happen. We might need to lose friends and family to jail and execution. I may need to die for that revival; harder still, I may have to watch my husband die for that revival.

In the face of that, do we still trust that God is doing what is best for us? Or is our faith so weak that the thought of physically paying a price for the privilege of being God's child too frightening for us? Where is the attitude of Peter and the other disciples who REJOICED that they were counted worthy to suffer for Christ's name? Where is that? 'Cause it seems to be strangely lacking in every conversation about how bad our nation is going to get and how difficult things are going to be for Christians before too long.

We pray for God to heal our land; are we then going to be upset because He might not do it the way we want? Are we going to prescribe the ways that He is "allowed" to turn our nation? Are we going to say, "We only want Your face to shine upon us in THIS way?" The pride is so rampant. Do we think we know better than God?

In conclusion, I'm not saying don't vote for Romney; I'm just saying if your only reason is abortion, he's not going to do anything for it anyway. That might be worth re-evaluating. But more importantly, don't think that the persecution that may or may not be coming is so dead-set a bad thing. God only does what is good for us. If it comes, it's GOOD! God has not given us the spirit of FEAR, but of POWER, and of love, and of a sound mind. We have no need to be anxious. We do our best; we follow God with all our heart and soul and strength and mind; and God takes care of everything else. And if that means Obama for another four years, if that means the imploding of the U.S., then THAT is GOOD.

We are the CHILDREN of the ALMIGHTY. We are the beloved of the Creator! Don't we trust His love?

Teleportation

So I've been mulling over an idea. Not for very long, but I think it has a lot of potential. The world should stop spending money on developing weapons, on war, and on everything space-related for a while. Instead, we take all that money and use it to make personal teleportation devices.

Or! Even something like a Star Trek Transporter. You give the guy running a location, they send you there! Voila! Yes, the airline and automobile companies would hate it. But hey, do we really LIKE those companies? Sure, they serve a purpose, but I wouldn't be sad to see them get replaced. Especially by a teleportation device.

We could have huge devices that transport lots of people and little ones for personal use. They could replace things like the subway and bus routes with previously programmed locations. Imagine all the time saved, the lack of traffic and air pollution, the elimination of needing so much parking space. Instead of a parking garage, you could have a teleportation garage - this floor has transporters that take you to such-and-such region.

Yes, we would also need to have some kind of shield to keep things out - can't have people apparating into the middle of Congress or something.First, let's get the teleporter worked out though.

But seriously. It's an awesome idea, right? There would be people, of course, who would refuse to use them. The rest of us though? I could go to Michigan for an afternoon for a baby shower with my friends and family and be back home in CaliLand that evening to make dinner for my Sweetie! You could take music lessons from someone halfway around the world.

"What are you doing tomorrow?"
"Well, I have my piano lesson in Moscow at eleven, and then I'm meeting some friends for lunch at the Eiffel Tower."

Need to evacuate a town due to flooding or a tornado? No problem! And no worries about people getting stuck on the way out if it's a huge city.

Like I said, I think it has potential.

Faith

Faith is just believing what God says He will do.

Faith is NOT believing that God will give me what I want. God did not promise me stuff. God did not tell me He would give me everything I want. In fact, by virtue of the fact that I am sinful and have a deceitful, desperately wicked heart, it stands to reason that God has promised to WITHHOLD things that I want. Because what I want sometimes is not good for me, and God always gives His children what is best.

Faith is not believing that life will be easy, that things will go smoothly, that God will come to the rescue in the nick of time. Faith is looking at the worst thing you can possibly imagine coming straight toward you with you being able to see not the slightest chance of God changing things and saying, "Nevertheless, not what I will, but what Thou wilt." Faith is surrendering the idea that I know better.

I went to the Dr.'s office last Friday. They wanted to do a test for Strep B; I was freaking out about it for over a week because I like my privacy. I like it lots. I feel violated and dirty when people invade my privacy like that. It doesn't matter if they have the best motives in the world (which, by the way, keeping my little girl safe is a pretty amazing motivation for something). It doesn't matter why; it doesn't matter who. It makes my whole mental/emotional being recoil in an intense feeling of revulsion - stronger than anything I have ever felt.

But I went into that office and I sat down and I disrobed my lower half and I waited for it. The day before I spent the afternoon and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed that God would save me from it. And I always knew that He was able. I didn't have any idea one way or the other if He would; all I knew at the end of all that praying was that He didn't want me to worry about it anymore. He gave me peace. That is not to say that He gave me a promise that there wouldn't be a storm tomorrow; but that day, He gave me peace. So I did my best not to think about it and not to worry, and He helped me.

I went into the Dr.'s office and God saved me from that horrible experience. God did not have to save me. But He did. The next day, I drove Zack's car to church for the first time. I was very scared, very tense and very afraid. And I prayed the whole way that God would save me. And He did, even though I still had to drive the car.

One, He protected me from completely; He took me right out of that situation. The other, He brought me through safely to the other side. Both times He saved me.

I don't know what's going to happen with our apartment. I don't know where we're going to live or how we're going to afford it; I really think in a year, I may be sitting in the same place as I am now writing again. That is not a lack of faith. Faith doesn't predict what God is going to do, unless God has already SAID it. God never told me we would have a different place next year, that we wouldn't be losing money every month, that we would ever NOT be very poor. He never promised that we would get ahead.

What God told me is that all things work together for my good. What God told me is that He is perfect. What God told me is that He loves me more than I can ever fathom. What God told me is that He is worth far more than everything. And I believe that.

If I am here next year, it is not because God failed me or because I did not have enough faith. It's because it was best and because He is good. And as much as I want to move and have wanted to move for about a year now - if this is best, I want it more than I want to move. I don't know what's coming; only God knows. Only God knows if we would be able to afford a different place in six months. Only God knows if Zack is going to have a job. Only God knows if there are going to be complications with the birth that lead to stacking Dr.'s bills that would make us long to be back here. Only God knows.

If we are here, I believe - without any doubt though I do not understand and may never see a reason this side of Heaven - I believe completely that it is best and God is good.