Love Wins

It's the hashtag that I've seen everywhere supporting the decision of the US Supreme Court to redefine marriage. Love wins!

Does anyone else see the massive irony in this? Love does win. Love won on the cross. Love will win in the end. Because, oh what's that? God IS love!

I can't decide if this is sickening or hilarious. The redefining of love has been going on for ages, it seems. Love is lust. Love is attention. Love is affirmation. Love is never saying, "You're wrong." Right? That's what we hear all the time. It's not loving for someone to tell you, "no." We should all let our kids touch the stove - because it's more loving to just let them do what they want. It's more loving to let them touch it than to say, "no, no."

It's more loving to give them everything so that they don't have to work for anything. It's more loving to shower them with gifts than to teach them how to budget and save for the things that they really want. It's more loving to do everything for them than to teach them that they can do it themselves.

Oh, love..... The above is what makes me feel ill. The exchanging truth for a lie, the upside-down view that is sooooo easy to swallow. It makes me sick because it's eating my friends alive.

But it's also laughable. Did you see all those people posting that love wins? They have NO CLUE what they're saying. They're right! It's Psalm 2 - God sits in heaven and laughs; He has them in derision. They have no idea! Yes! Love wins! God has already won. Jesus paid is all, and It Is Finished!

And then my heart breaks. Because they have no idea.... They don't know love. They don't know God.

The Sacrifice of Jesus

I've been thinking a lot recently of about Jesus' death on the cross and the sacrifice that was made there. I've always felt that I could understand His motives, His ability to do that, not exhaustively, but I've always felt that I can relate. Because I would give my life for those that I love. At least, I believe that I could and would if that situation were to arise. 

But the part of it that goes beyond my comprehension is the role of the Father. He sent His Son to die, to become a man and live on earth for 33 years. To deny Jesus' request that there might be another way out because there was no other way. Can you imagine? I can. 

I remember my cousin once got a fish hook stuck in her toe. All the way through her toe. And her dad kept saying they were going to have to cut it out and she kept pleading with him for there to be another way. He wanted to console her, to help her, but He had to get it fixed. 

God killed His Son. In those three hours of Jesus' need, the Father cut Him off. And that, I cannot understand. A part of me feels that it is almost wrong - because we are not worth that. But it's not just about us. Jesus obeyed His Father to show the wonder and power of the Father's love. And the Father sent Jesus to show the amazing humility and indescribable patience of the Son. 

The sacrifice of the cross was not only Jesus'. It was the entire Godhead, sacrificing to show the attributes of the others and to buy us back into their family. 

What Are We Worth?

I read this article from a friend's page on Facebook today. I went through a fair portion of reactions. I mean, can you call "progressive Christianity" Christianity? Really? I'm glad they took a stand somewhere, though taking a stand on the fact of sin is just about going as far as you can.... 

I read through the entire thing, and I just sat back kind of amazed. Because they got it. They had it down. They knew the answers; they just didn't like it. If you don't have sin, you have no need of a Savior. Without a Savior, what does Jesus matter? Without Jesus, there is no relationship with God. And they KNEW it! They knew exactly why the Christians (I hope they were really Christians) wouldn't give it up.
 
And then I suddenly realized, this belief that we are not basically messed up is the driving force for so much horror and death and strife. If my worth is not based on being made in the image of God, it must be based on what I can do, what I can contribute - morally, socially, intellectually, whatever. My abilities are the sum of my worth. 

So children are worth little (abortion). Old people are worth little; invalids are worth little; sick people are worth little (euthanasia). But what happens when I am one of those? Depression. Stress. Anxiety. Fear. What do I do to keep from being one of those? I can go against others: steal, lie, cheat, hoard, abuse, kill. Or I can work myself to death in order to have enough money, stuff, people, power, fame. I do everything I can to be worth something. But what happens? Two possibilities: I come to the conclusion that I am worthy, and there are other people who aren't (enter murderers and rapists, genocides and holocausts); or I fall under the burden of never measuring up, never feeling that I am worth anything. I failed - because even if I succeeded in "making it" I still don't feel worth more, and what is the point of living?

The Christian faith has anything but low self-image. We, humans, are made in the image of God. We, humans, were worth enough that God Himself BECAME a man. We, humans, are God's TWICE over in Christ. He made us, and then He paid for us again!

What we don't have is a self-image that puts us in God's place. What we have is a view that puts God on the throne and us at His feet. To mind of the humanist that makes us small. But to be at the feet of God is not small or unimportant. My children are not worth less because they play on the floor at my feet. And I am not worth less because I bow at the feet of Jesus.

Happy Is the Man

For a little while now, I've been thinking about the verses from Psalm 127 about children. It came up in a discussion with my brother about how many kids we were wanting/planning to have in our families. And I can't help but think of the many, MANY times I've heard of this verse being used, not as a principle, but as some kind of legalistic measuring stick requiring that people have such-and-such amount of children. How many arrows used to fit in an old-fashioned quiver? Is that how many kids we're supposed to have? What is too few? Is there such a thing as too many? What about the people who can't have that many kids?

Before going on, here is the entire Psalm:

127Except the Lord build the house, they labour in vain that build it: except the Lord keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain.

² It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows: for so he giveth his beloved sleep.
³ Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.
⁴ As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth.
⁵ Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.


Things that are VERY clear from this small amount of text:
Without God's blessing, our actions are worthless - fruitless.
God gives good things to those He loves.
Children are one of those blessings.

As Pastor Alistair Begg often says, "The main things are the plain things." The emphasis of the chapter is NOT on how many kids you have. It just says that if God gives you lots, you've been blessed lots. If someone gets eight hours of sleep every night, they are blessed - God gives sleep to those He loves. That doesn't mean that the person who has trouble sleeping for three hours a night is NOT blessed of God, or sub-par or a bad Christian. It just means that God hasn't blessed them as much in that particular way. How many hours of sleep I get is not a reflection of my status before God. Which is good, because the people who are having all the kids are generally not getting much sleep. So you're basically trading one blessing of God for another. Does that mean that you aren't blessed? Does it mean that you aren't following God? No... What lunacy! 

To be honest, I'm so sick of Christians passing judgment on other Christians about stuff like this. Saying that such a person should or should not be having more kids.... I'm so tired of it. And I've heard both. I've heard people who have been judged to death that they don't have enough kids. And on the other side, that family has too many because their kids don't act the way I think they should.

It's such a lack of grace. There's no grace in that. There's no bearing each other's burdens. There's no coming alongside, no gentleness, no offering of sympathy, no kindness. 

When did Christians lose gentleness? It's gone. Of all the fruits of the Spirit that people talk about, gentleness just isn't there. Of all the things that are lacking in our churches, gentleness is the one that I just don't see often. I think that's why I gravitate to older crowds. Old people tend to be very gentle; it's grandparent syndrome. But that's a topic for a different day - gentleness, the missing fruit.

Anyway, I think that poor fifth verse has been so abused. It's not about a number. It's about the blessing. It's not about judging each other because of what God has blessed them with (or not), but about rejoicing in whatever blessing He's given because He has blessed us all. So one person has sleep and one person has kids - let's all be grateful to our God together. It's like Christmas - you don't get mad cause you got a bike and your sibling got a pogo stick. Just be grateful to your parents for what they gave you and rejoice with your sibling in that you have kind, loving parents. O, magnify the Lord with me and let us exalt His name together!

He's Here

I have my Evelynn and my Joash now. I am quite contented.

After Evelynn was born, despite all the issues I was having - the lack of sleep, the inability to nurse her, my depression with the circumstances of her birth - I wanted another baby. Not right then, but I knew so quickly that I wanted a second baby. I wanted Joash. It didn't take more than a month and I knew that I wanted my little boy.

And now he's here! He's a much better sleeper than Evelynn. And despite the circumstances of his birth, I've had absolutely no qualms about what happened. I don't know why, but I was far more worried about having the version done than having a C-section. I'm still not the least bit remorseful that I didn't try the version or that it ended in a C-section. It was certainly different, certainly a harder recovery, but ... I just don't care that that's what happened. Overall, I have a peace about his birth that it took almost a year for me to receive after Evelynn's. I really was as ready as I thought I was. Thanking the Lord for that. It's much better this way.

I don't really have a great desire to go the natural, home-birth direction again. Not that we have to make that decision any time particularly soon. Haha. But I think I would be okay with a hospital birth if we have another go. At least, now I know that not all hospitals and not all hospital staffs are like the ones we had with Evelynn. And the more kids I have, the more I know what I'm getting into. I really did prefer the midwives prenatal care though, so we'll see. Like I said, we have time.

I can't imagine giving birth more than once more. I'm not a fan of newborns. I do love them. I'd die for them, but I don't enjoy them. There's pretty much nothing about this stage of life that I like, except, you know, that I have my baby. At the same time, it's hard to imagine not knowing my kids from their beginning.... But I've always wanted to adopt, too.

It's hard to figure out how to split my time. I imagine that's only going to get exponentially harder as our family grows. I feel like it's been really rough on Evelynn. We've been best friends her entire life, and now there's someone else who has to take priority a fair portion of the time. It's hard. I don't want to lose that best friends thing. It's hard to think about adding another little person to the mix. Makes me a little more sympathetic to my parents for the times that I felt forgotten. It's probably easier to forget the one that didn't have a prior connection. I imagine it would be easier to brush Joash off, just because he and I have never been best friends yet. I'll have to watch out for that.

Well, it's past my bed time. I'm the only one who blogs any more. I don't know if anyone reads it still, but here I am, writing away. Gotta write somewhere. ;)

Baby

I actually feel ready. It's really weird. It's not like a, "I want this baby to be here so badly!" ready. More like, I just feel.... prepared. I feel like there's not really anything left to do. The house is as ready as it's going to get. I'm as ready as I'm going to get. I feel like I've come to terms with what's ahead and I'm ready.

It's weirding me out. I don't ever feel ready. I haven't felt ready for something of any import since I was in like 8th grade. I didn't feel ready when I stopped studying; I just figured it was time to stop studying. Haha. I didn't feel ready when I quite practicing playing the piano for church; it just wasn't going to get any better. So.... yeah, it's weird.

I have started getting excited though, which is probably a relief to my husband and mother. I just don't get excited for things that are far away. There's too much in between now and then to get excited about it. Haha. But I'm getting a little bit excited. It helps that it's actually Fall and the weather today has made it feel SO much closer. It actually rained for like four hours this morning. It was awesome. Waking up at 6am with the sound of rain coming from the window and actually being snuggled under the blankets - yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. It MIGHT rain tomorrow. I'm hopeful.

I've felt generally good this pregnancy. More aches and pains, but way less tiredness once I got through the beginning. The first trimester was harder, but the second and third have been easier, I think. I don't feel like I've actually gotten bigger for a bit now, so that's kind of nice. For a week or so, I felt so tight, I was sure that the stretch marks were going to blossom any day.
So now we wait. :) Wait for time to keep flying by (it's gone SO FAST!). And then he'll be here, and time will keep going by, I just probably won't be able to notice it for a while. Haha. I'm really glad that Zack gets more time off this time around. I know it's going to help all of us a lot. :)

Never Angry

I'm not exactly sure where this is coming from, but there seems to be a large portion of Christianity that feels that Anger is a sin. (Like, black and white.... Adultery is a sin; anger is a sin.) I feel like it has to be connected to the idea that God is only love, and that the God of the OT is somehow different than the God of the NT.

For whatever reason, anger is viewed to be inescapably bad. All the time. Never discipline your children when you're angry. Never respond in anger. Never do anything when you're angry. Always, always, always let go of your anger before you do anything. Somehow, it is always bad for us to be angry. It is always shameful to experience anger. And it is especially wrong to express it. 

........

That idea is so far removed from the picture we have of Who God is, I don't understand how Christians can believe that. When I express that concern - that we are trying to be something God is so not - their response is usually something along the lines of, "Yeah, but that's God; He's perfect." As if to say that because we can't be perfectly angry, therefore we should NEVER be angry.

I can't be perfectly righteous, either. Should I forget that whole idea? I can't be perfectly just or perfectly loving or perfectly anything. But we still try to bring out the good parts of those attributes and we fight against the wicked tendencies within us.

This comes up most (in my experience) when it comes down to how to raise your kids. Some of this I understand is straight-up fear of CPS (which I fight with a fair portion of the time). If someone hears that you spanked your kid while you were angry, they're automatically going to be thinking "beating" instead of discipline. That's the world we live in.

That doesn't justify doing things in a way that's not Biblical. There seems to be this idea that you cannot love someone/something and be angry with it at the same time. That's not true in the least. Getting angry at a friend who gets wasted every weekend isn't a lack of love; it's actually a sign of love. You want something better for them. You want them not to actively destroy themselves. That's not mean or bad or unkind. That's an outpouring of LOVE.

Getting angry with people isn't bad of itself. And most people can understand it on that level - but then you say "Getting angry with your kids isn't bad" and they get very nervous. When my parents got angry with me because I did stupid things, all it did was reinforce that they loved me. They were trying to protect me, and when you see something you care about endangered, the natural (proper) response is anger. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. If they had never gotten angry with me, all that would have meant was that I wasn't worth enough to them for them to get angry about it.

Someone at our Bible Study wondered aloud the other night why there seemed to be so many more suicides today. I honestly think it's because anger is so repressed today. The people who would use it right are afraid to use it at all, which leaves the people who are too selfish to avoid using it, who are naturally going to misuse it. Anger is a extraordinary tool that too many people are ignoring or actively avoiding instead of trying to use it well. My dad had the easiest way to change my life when I was little. It didn't work for my mom (sorry, Mom), but all my dad had to do for me to NEVER, EVER do something again? Get angry with me. He didn't need to yell, threaten, discipline, spank - nothing. He just had to be upset with me and I was done. My world was wrong, and I couldn't stand it.

The things we want to protect are the things that, when threatened, will make us angry. We're supposed to get angry when someone hurts people we love. GOD gets angry when people hurt His kids. Why? Because He loves His kids! How angry He gets is directly related to how much He loves us. You cannot love something and never get angry when its mistreated. So when Joash is born, if Evelynn dares to hit him, she's going to feel some anger despite the fact that I love that little girl so fiercely.

Getting angry isn't wrong. Be angry and sin not (Eph. 4).

Getting angry because someone hurt my pride, because something didn't go my way, because of ME - that's when anger is just wrong. When my anger is about ME - because someone was an affront to ME, not to God, not to the people I love. When anger is selfish, then it's wrong. But anger is good. We can know that because God gets angry. Getting angry with your kids over sin isn't a bad thing; it shows them the seriousness of sin and it shows them how much God means to you. Getting angry because they're making your life harder, that's wrong.

Growing Up

"Let God make a man out of him before you try to make a husband out of him."

I saw a meme today on Facebook with that caption. I'm not even going to get into the idea of me making anything out of someone else. What bothers me is this (seemingly prevalent) idea of having to wait until someone else is "done" before we get involved with them. It's very disturbing when taken as a general rule.

For one thing - I'm still not done. Are you? I certainly didn't feel qualified to be a wife when I got married. And I didn't feel qualified to be a mother when I had a baby. I'm still growing. I'm still maturing. I didn't feel like a I was old enough to be "Mrs. Shrout." Some people are never going to become "spouse material" until they're in the situation where they have to be. They're just never going to grow that way until they suddenly are in that place. I was never going to be ready to be a mom. Not ever. I am a mom. Am I ready? Ehhhh..... Sorta? I don't feel ready to have TWO, but guess what?

I'm not arguing that we shouldn't be careful or we should go with the first opportunity, but that's where having a relationship with God is vitally important. God uses other people and new circumstances to grow us. If we never extend grace to people to see how God will use us or other circumstances in their life to grow them, we're not being very grateful for the grace that God has extended to us.

This is where it really comes in handy believing that God has a specific person picked out for you and it's not really your decision at all - except to say "Yes, Daddy" or be a Jonah and run for it. All my life, that's been my view of marriage. There was someone that God had for me (and me for him). I just had to wait and pray and see who it was. And I had to be ready and willing to deal with whatever faults he had - because he was going to have them. Maybe there would be gigantic sin issues. Or maybe there would just be things that he did that drove me crazy (like the people who bounce their legs incessantly). Or, most likely, some of both!

The point was, it was never up to me to change him, or even to wait for God to fix him up before I would think about being in a relationship. It was my job to follow wherever God led - and if this was the guy, that meant being the best wife I could be, even if he was a terrible husband. Even if he was wrong, if he took our family in the wrong direction, if he was a bad father, if, if, if, if, if. Who he was was entirely irrelevant if that's who God wanted me to marry. Because if God wanted me to marry him, then he was automatically the best. No one else could ever be better than him.

Every decision is like that. If God wants me to work at McDonald's, then McDonald's is the best job for me. If God wants me to move to CA, then CA is the best for me. The easiness/hardness of my life is not what determines if it's good for me. I know what's best by knowing where God is directing - not by what looks or feels best.

(Right now, it would feel best for Zack to get promoted TODAY, for him to be put back on days, for us to get a signing bonus that takes care of a down-payment for a nice 4-bedroom house in the area, and for us not to have to move more than twenty minutes from church. That's what feels best. But - unless he gets a call today - it's not.)

There's a lot of people who don't think that way. They think marriage is all up to their discretion within God's principles (which pretty much just means marrying a Christian). If who I had married had been up to my discretion, I'd have NEVER gotten married. It was the scariest, hardest decision I ever made in my life. And I wouldn't have made it if I hadn't been sure that it was the one God wanted me to make.
 
God didn't have to give me an awesome husband. My life could be so much harder. He still has faults, but he loves God and he loves our family. And he works ever so hard to be better. (And he doesn't bounce his legs. =D)

And that's what I think people should be looking for - the person God has for them. Not someone who fits all their criteria, or someone who has their life in order, or someone who is "a man." Just look for the person that God has for you because that's where you are going to be best off and that's where you are going to be able to do the most good. Give them grace for everything else. Give them a chance to grow. Give them room to fail and encouragement to get up and try again.

How do you know who is the right person? James tells us to ask for wisdom because God gives it liberally. Ask.

Crying Babies

Having a baby changed a great deal for me about the way I saw children in general. Abortion became more than something I knew was wrong. It became something I cannot stand. 

Other things have changed too, and one of them is what I can watch on TV. 

I can't stand movies or shows with crying babies in them anymore. They always bothered me a little, but now I can't stand them. Because while everyone else is acting, the baby isn't. I don't know what goes on behind the scenes and I'm sure that their parents are somewhere nearby - at least, I sincerely hope so - but still. The baby is not acting. 

And that's part of my entertainment??? Violence didn't bother me in movies because it's not real. Nudity does because it is. 

And crying babies are really crying. 

What Is Perfection?

I tend to think about this a fair amount. Mostly because I think that people (me too) have a very flawed view of what Heaven is going to be like. I know that what I thought about Heaven has changed a LOT over the years. Heaven will be perfect, right? So what is perfection? More specifically, what is HUMAN perfection?

Is perfection never being told "no?"
Or is perfection being able to be told "no" without having a bad attitude about it?

Is perfection never falling down?
Or is perfection never getting hurt from falling down?

I feel like we have this sort of over-achieving sense of what perfection is, like we expect that when we are in Heaven we will have the same kind of perfection that God has. As if we'll suddenly know everything and be able to execute everything without flaw. As if, in Heaven, we'll all have perfect voices with absurd ranges so that when we sing, no one will sound "bad."

I don't think that's what human perfection is. I think human perfection is seen in Christ - Who prayed for the cup to pass from Him and then accepted the Father's decision. He asked for something that wasn't going to happen, that He KNEW wasn't going to happen. Asking wasn't wrong. He even asked THREE times. Asking multiple times wasn't wrong. What would have been wrong, is if He refused or even gone to the cross with something less than complete willingness and surrender to the Father's will.

If we are all perfect at everything we try, then the body of Christ is no longer a body in Heaven. We will not have different gifts - we could all be the eye and the ear and the nose! That's never the picture we get from anything - not even the Trinity. They have and always will have their positions, their "gifts" as it were. They are diverse and yet perfect in their diversity. Their diversity, in fact, is part of what creates perfect harmony. I think, even in our thinking about Heaven, we are trying to become gods. We want it all.

I'm pretty sure that there are going to be artists and musicians and mathematicians and engineers and (fill in your blank) in Heaven. And no one is going to feel improperly about their skill set - either proud of it or embarrassed of it. And THAT is going to be perfection. It's going to be accepting God's way without reserve - not only accepting, but taking great joy in whatever task He has for me. It'll be being able to be told, "No, you may not build my temple, but you may gather the supplies" - and instead of any kind of negative response, I jump up and down like my daughter and get all excited because I get to "Help a Daddy!"

Evelynn loves helping. She helped me make cheesecake last night. She wanted to help with every part of it, but she couldn't. But she was still super happy with helping me pour the milk and hold the mixer. Because she loves helping me, being with me, doing something WITH me. The important part is not what she's doing - it's doing it with me.