Missing

There is a family that goes to our church. I've only met two of its members, and until about three minutes ago, I hadn't even realized it. . . . . It's been on the news. The Gallego family. Their baby daughter is missing.

It was hard when it was some people from our church. It was difficult to imagine how I would react if I woke up and my baby wasn't where I had laid it down to sleep. What if the child had a hard time sleeping through the night, and my first thought had been, "Wow, that was a great night's sleep. I'm going to be able to get so much done today"?

I remember with vivid detail the morning that we got the call that my Uncle Dan was missing. He'd gone swimming and hadn't come back. There's an initial panic and then there's a numbness. I remember waiting, pacing around for hours, praying, "Please, don't take my Uncle Dan." I kept praying it over and over, "Not my Uncle Dan. Not my uncle Dan." It was the only thought in my head.

I can't imagine the amplification that my mom felt that day. I can't imagine the amplification that Ramy's parents have felt all of today.

That was all hard. Thinking about a little baby being abducted. Then, the imagining of the panic and the horror. Then, the remembering of things, how I felt during times of loss. And again, more imagining.

But there was a new wave tonight. And that was when I saw a picture of the baby with her mother. . . . I didn't know the people by name, you see, but when we'd had our Easter breakfast at church, Kristin Gallego was doing a lot of the work. She had a very small baby, Ramy, that another of their young daughters had been holding for a while.

The other daughter's arms were tired and Kristin was busy. I held the baby, not knowing her name, or who she was. I felt kind of awkward because I would have been slightly unhappy if I'd found some random woman holding my child.

I saw a picture of Ramy and Kristin and I remembered. I held that baby.

And with that little attachment, that little memory of probably less than ten minutes, everything took on a new view. It hit me like a ton of bricks, and it comes with fresh waves of nausea . . . I held that baby! She was in my arms, content to sit with a stranger while her mother worked. I held her!

And again, I've found my mantra, that repeating phrase in my head. No matter what I think, it goes back to it - "I held her."


Please pray for the Gallego family.

Not the Rapture

Just another day? Kind of, and yet, every day should be held as something good, something special. It's another day with friends and family. It's another day of sunshine or rain, of air to breathe, of work or play - of life. It's another day full of God's goodness to us, where we can enjoy the world that He made and where He's placed us.

I don't know how He does it, but somehow, we've actually made money this month. Sure, we've been careful, but not as careful as we could have been. Sure, we've been working, but not full time. Yeah, we don't have any spending money, but we still have little treats now and then.

It's mind-boggling. He's not just sustaining us; He's growing us. We're not just "making it." We're gaining it. Yeah, we're trying to be smart, but this is not of us. This is God's blessing, and it's hugely humbling. I DON'T deserve this - not, I FEEL like I don't - I really Don't.

Sustaining . . . . We might say that God has promised to provide for us, thus because I am His child, He must take care of me. He's bound to now by His Word, one might argue. That gives the feeling that one deserves it, that one is now entitled. Because God has given me so much, now He MUST give me more!

Such wrong thinking! But I did feel that way.

And He gave us more anyway. . . . What is that verse? The goodness of God leads us to repentance. It's not always hard times that break through hard hearts, I guess. Sometimes, we just need a reminder, "Look. Stop. See what I have done. Remember what I did. See how much more I can give because I AM good."

For He is God and there is none like Him. He is God, and there none else. I don't deserve to be His child, much less be sustained, much less be blessed with extra. And as much as I'd be thrilled for the Rapture, I'm glad He gave me another day to think about that before standing before Him.

Wouldn't it be really funny if the Rapture happened next week? Hehehe. I think it'd be funny. =D

Diet and Exercise

I'm no expert. I've just spent a good deal of my life fighting not to be fat. For a while, I quit fighting and ballooned, and I discovered afterward that the fight is well worth it. Not because I want to look good (thought that is a large motivation), but because the taste of food and the feeling of being full last far less time than the feeling of being fit. Also, I never get heartburn when I'm watching how much I eat, and I HATE heartburn - so that's an amazing perk.

After I got married, I gained, oh, about ten pounds. Now, ten may not sound like a large number. But on a 5' 2'' frame where most of that weight sits in the length of a foot? It makes a big difference. Clothes stop fitting, I get really self-conscious, I want to wear my jackets to cover up, but it's 80 degrees outside, more sweat, everything is uncomfortable, etc. etc. It's just nasty.

Working out is hard. It's hard to get started; it's hard to keep going, especially when you get on the scale and nothing has happened after a few weeks. This is when I have to remember that after so long, my metabolism has slowed and I'm trying to rev it back up, and that doesn't happen in a week or two. That can take months.

My dieting is called calorie-counting. I'm not prone to eating foods that are terrible for me. I'm just prone to eating too much. Some people like bad food - I'm not one of them. I love fruits and vegetables. My downfall is that I like feeling full and fruits and vegetables do NOT fill me up. Pasta and bread will make me feel full and I love both of those - even the kinds that people tell us are really healthy. Cutting down to 1200 calories (which every expert agrees is the lowest a female should go), is a little too far for me. It's unnecessary, I can't stick with it, and then I binge to a terrible degree on cheat day. Overall, it's better for me to eat a little more every day to keep from eating a LOT more on Sunday.

The hardest thing about dieting is that it's all day. Working out? I'd do it for half an hour - maybe a little more, and then it's done. Finished. Don't have to think about it any more. Dieting is not like that. It doesn't end. It's all day, every day, which is why cheat day is so important to me. Cheat day doesn't have to be about eating a ton or not having to exercise at all; it's just about not worrying about it. It's a break from the calculations.

Now I was working out somewhat regularly, cutting my calorie intake down to something more normal, but I wasn't losing weight. It wasn't stable. I'd go up and down and my emotions and determination would go with the scale numbers. But why? Well, the metabolism takes time for one thing. And the other? Too much down time.

I could spend ten to twelve hours a day sitting! And not sitting up tall, using SOME muscle to keep from slouching. Uh-uh. Sitting on a couch. Slouching in a chair at my computer. Leaning back. I wasn't moving except when I exercised. Bad, bad, bad idea. The metabolism doesn't get going that way!

After Zack would leave for work, I would often watch a TV episode - about 44 minutes of commercial-free entertainment. My parents have this walking video with different moves to do in your house in substitute of getting out and going for a walk. I'd done it enough times to know the basic moves and started doing it for half an hour while watching my episode, in addition to the work-outs.

What is this? I'm losing weight!

I'm trying to change my ideas about diet and exercise and it's been helping. I've been focusing less on eating less and focusing on eating when I'm hungry. I've been focusing less on hardcore exercise for half an hour and focusing more on moving all day. We have a little apartment - not a lot of room to move about, but I walk to the store now and then. Sometimes, just to get out and walk. It's takes about fifteen minutes to walk to Goodwill and back. And you know once I'm in there, I can't help but look around. There's more time being up, moving.

This is a website that's been very useful to me. http://www.bmi-calculator.net/bmr-calculator/
I think it was my brother Dave who told me about this idea, and it's been great. Just follow the instructions and it'll tell you exactly what you need to know about how much you should eat. So easy!

The other thing I've been doing is looking up how many calories are burned doing certain things. For instance, playing the piano for an hour burns around 150-180 calories. Whoa! Something I love doing takes care of my bowl of cereal in the morning! Do a Google search on activities that will burn 200 calories. You'd be surprised at some of the things. Jumping rope for 15 minutes. (Made me wish I had a rope to jump. Haha.) The Wii is a great exercise tool - something like 25-30 minutes of Wii Sports. 20 minutes of Tae-bo! Really? I've been doing Tae-bo for years! I never thought it was that good! If I did Tae-bo instead of walking during my nightly episode, I'd burn 400 calories.

This has helped me be way more motivated to do house work. I love efficiency and getting my house clean and my body thinner at the same time is awesome. Somehow, I'm not sure why it didn't occur to me before that it would make such a difference. I guess I just didn't realize that things like standing for half an hour could burn as much as 55 calories. Standing!

My advice for anyone reading this who might want to lose weight: First, figure out how much you eat. That alone may be enough motivation to get you started. Second, go to that BMR website and figure out how many calories you're using and how much you should cut back. I tried to cut back a LOT, and it was harder because then I was hungry all the time. Pick something that you think will work best with your temperament. If you want faster results, you're going to want to cut down to fewer calories. If you're willing to take the time, cut back the calories in increments of maybe a month at a time, until you get to where you should be.

Now for the exercise part: Just get up. Do work around the house. If your house is clean, how's the garage? What about a closet that needs to be cleared out and reorganized? Get out and go for a 45-minute walk with your sweetie or take the kids to the park. You don't have to move fast. Just spend time moving INSTEAD of sitting. Watch TV at night? Get up and walk in place. Do lots of reading? Get up and mull about.

I've taken to walking in place when I read. I sit at my computer enough, so I didn't want to have to sit while I read too. If you purpose to do the little things to help you lose weight, you'll find that much more is getting done, and your metabolism will get used to running all the time. And THAT, I believe, is the key to weight loss. The easiest time I ever had losing weight, was when I'd been walking, swimming, or riding my bike regularly for a year.

Realizations

I think there are few in things in life as satisfying as realizing that something that happened years ago that you couldn't understand, helped prepare you for something later on that you would face.

For instance, when I was living with my parents between 17-21 (ish), I would randomly have nights where I wouldn't be able to sleep. I just would not be tired in body or mind. I would lie in bed for an hour or two waiting to get tired, but it just wasn't happening. So then I'd get up. At two or three in the morning.

Often what I did during this time was clean my room a bit. I would have some energy to burn off - I needed to DO something. So I'd clean and organize and straighten things up.

Now, for someone who's rather aware of the statuses of the rest of the people in the house, this was not a terribly easy thing to do. Straightening requires moving things about. Dusting (which is usually what got done in the wee hours of the morning) requires, at least, picking things up off a shelf and then putting them back down. When the house is silent, when you share a 100 year old wall with your light-sleeping parents, you tend to want to be very quiet when doing anything.

I never knew why I couldn't sleep those nights. I would wonder about it; I would wonder if there was something specific that I needed to be praying about and would spend some time in prayer. And while I fully believe there was an immediate reason for it, it's so cool realizing there was a much longer-term reason as well.

I would have never guessed it was so I would learn what I can and can't clean and do it quietly. But the fact of the matter is that it's coming in handy when my husband works nights and needs to sleep, and we're having company over later in the afternoon. ;)

And that was a fun and reassuring realization that I had this morning. Even the itty bitty details of our lives, that we may never understand, have a purpose - and being God's children, that purpose is for our good and for His glory. :)

Almost made it

Well, the end of April is upon us. I feel like I haven't blogged in forever, but it's actually been less than a month. MIKE hasn't blogged in forever. ;)

We made it in a couple of different ways.

1) Zack has a job now. He's getting paid for going in for orientation today, so it has officially started. Weeee!

2) We made it through the month without needing to turn the AC on. It got difficult there for a few days, but it's been cooler again. I even had a long sleeved shirt on to go to bed last night. It gets hot here, but as long as it cools down for the sleeping time, I'm okay.

3) Unless something weird happens, we'll have spent less than $120 on food this month. That's down from a budgeted $250 that people told us we'd need. Granted, we were given a lot of food this month, too, but I'm relatively certain I can keep us near or under $150 for food every month. We had to get some clothing items with that, too - a very rare extra expenditure.

4) Friday/Saturday will be our three-month anniversary. :) Friday is the date anniversary; Saturday is the week anniversary. In case you were wondering how it could be both. =)

And that is my reporting on the month of April. :)

Sun, Sun, Go Away

And don't come back til the end of May! ;)

It's the Michigan in me talking. =)

It's April Fools Day! The only joke I heard of was the one that Google pulled. Google always does something. Although, I'm kind of waiting for the day when they do something outrageous that is actually true, but then everyone will think it's not true. It's like a backwards, "April Fools!" . . . . . Sloof Lirpa!

Teehee!

Baseball season has apparently started. I keep seeing posts on Facebook about the Padres and the Giants now. . . . . There goes the rest of the year. If only it waited to start until AFTER my birthday. I'm not sure why that would make it better, but somehow it would. I think it's like kind of like having to take a difficult test right before your birthday (something I had to do multiple times). For whatever reason, it'd just be WAY easier to enjoy your birthday if that test came a week later.

But oh well. I like where my birthday is. :) It's on a Thursday this year, too! Thursdays are one of my favorite days. Probably because when I was growing up it was the end of the school week. Friday you just had the leftovers - if you hadn't done them earlier, but Thursday was good because I wasn't bored - I had school - but it was the end. Nothing to dread the next day.

I've been wanting (and trying, though not very hard) to write lately. I have this story. It's the only thing I've written that I would ever want to possibly be published. It's morphed numerous times until it's pretty much nothing like how it started. But I like it better now. The hard part is, I've never written a good story that follows multiple lines. I'm not good at that. I have one stream, one line, that I write. The others are there, but they don't have to be well-defined. I don't know all the details; I just know how they fit in with the one that I'm writing.

This story, I'm trying to write two lines. Only for part of it - the two main characters split up for a while and then rendezvous later - but it's draining the life out of the story because a huge part of what I was writing was their interaction. Pull them apart and suddenly I have nothing to write. It's been frustrating. Also, one of my characters is steadily becoming less and less likable. (Doesn't that look like it should have an "e?" Spellcheck says it shouldn't. . . . It looks weird.) I'm going to have to think of a way to make her cool-ish again.

Anyway. Enough about me. Tell me about you! =) ;)

Nameless

I haven't thought of a suitable name for this one yet. Probably because I haven't tried very long to think of something. Like most of my poems, it has a story behind it, but this one more than others. Usually, they just come from something I've been thinking about. This one actually happened because of circumstances.

Maker, I fall down at Your feet
Broken by Your chast'ning hand
Purified by the trial's heat
In my strength, I cannot stand.

Oh once again, I've failed You so
Spurned Your Word and left Your grace.
Once again, Lord, but now I know -
It's not I who wins the race

There is nothing left of me
Nothing that I once did own
Nothing that I once could be
Nothing can I do alone.

Nothing special, nothing good.
Are all my talents, time, and skill,
But Father if You wished, You could
Use me for Your perfect will.

Oh my Lord, if there is aught
If anything of use in me
It's only if that You have taught
And made me that which I should be

There is nothing left of me
Nothing that I once did own
Nothing that I once could be
Nothing can I do alone.

There is nothing I can do best.
And nothing You cannot replace.
My life is Yours, in You I rest
Will You change my sorry case?

Will You choose to work through this clay?
Would You give a task to do?
Will You ready my heart today?
That I might praise only You.

There is nothing left of me
Nothing that I once did own
Nothing that I once could be
Nothing can I do alone.

The story:
I've been told during my life that I was good at things. A natural! In Michigan, I sang and played the piano and people told me that I was good. Someone once said that I had the most beautiful voice they'd ever heard. I tried not to let it go to my head, but inevitably, I believed what people said about me. They told me I was good; I knew I wasn't great, but I could believe I was good.

The first thing to go was my skill as a pianist. I went to school and found out just how not good I was. Talented? Skilled? Not really. I'd always known that people didn't really know because they couldn't play, but it was different when I went into my piano lessons with a teacher at college who wasn't just happy that I had practiced, a teacher who in fact, was often rather not happy with my lack of progress.

Next went my vocal ability. I came to California and all kinds of people sing well. I was nothing special. I was nothing great; I hardly made it into normal. I am not a skilled singer. I fit in with the crowd, completely superfluous.

Then, there was trying to learn how to drive a stick-shift. . . . I'm a good driver, I thought. I've never been pulled over, never been in any real car accidents, etc. etc. I'm a good driver. . . . who can't learn how to use her left foot. And then I remember all the times that I nearly caused accidents on the way to and from school, all the times I pulled out in front of someone or switched lanes without checking my blind spots. I'm a GOOD driver? I don't think so. But God is a merciful God.

Lastly, the real kicker that is actually kind of comical, but brought the whole thing home: skiing. In Michigan, I'd been told multiple times, since the first time I went skiing, that I was good at it. I had a natural talent for it. I went skiing on an actual mountain this past Tuesday, and I found out I'm not a good skier. I'm a good faller. I fell in spectacular ways and skied with less skill than my husband who'd never worn skis before that day.

But there is a bright side to all of this. Despite my lacking in skill, talent, or ability, God still decided to save me. And that means He has a job for me. I've no idea what it is, and I'm probably not going to be good at it. But there's a job He wants me to do. I just have to wait for it.

SNOW????

I'm cold. Also, I'm hungry. But that's a good thing. I need that bloated belly to shrink a little bit. I've been on pretty much a constant binge since the wedding. Not. Good.

I kind of want to go to bed. But I kind of want to see my husband. Since I'm still awake, unless he gets overtime, I'm thinking that I'm going to see him. :) Or my body could do something totally crazy and fall asleep on me for the first time in ages without me having to try to fall asleep. . . . That would be somewhat bizarre.

You know what else is bizarre? Snow in CaliLand. There's a chance it may snow this weekend. I'ma be honest - I'm getting excited. Not so much because of the snow, but because of the implications. This would be the first time in twenty some years that it's snowed in this area. . . . And it just happens to be my first winter living here? I don't believe in coincidence.

Either way, it's pretty cool. Either way, it's a good reminder that God loves me. And likes me.

God likes me. . . . That's an interesting concept that I still haven't quite wrapped my head around. The loving part, I get - probably as much as I'm ever going to. I understand that part because I can love people that I don't particularly like. It's a lot more choice-related, in my head, and if I have the will-power to choose to love someone, God sure does.

But a college teacher once told my class that God likes us. . . . It still blows my mind, because that means a whole lot more. Not necessarily anything better or more profound. It's just a lot more added to what was already amazing and profound. And since it's not directly stated in the Bible like that, I have a harder time believing it. But it does say that He calls us friends. I tend to like my friends. . . . That's mostly why they're my friends. . . . Sometimes I love them, too.

But I'm also part of His family now. And family, I love. So I'm His friend and He likes me, and I'm His daughter and He loves me. . . . . Still totally amazing me. . . . And I've been thinking about it on and off for years now. . . . Yeah. I don't know if I'm ever going to get over this one. That's probably okay, I would think. =)

Totally unrelated, the podcast thing, "What You Ought To Know" is hilarious. The Brothers Winn do it. Clean, funny, informative. I'm a fan and becoming more of one every time I watch some of their stuff. I think I probably watched about thirty of their clips today.

And the dude's speech patterns have been seared into my head and my own thoughts are coming out that way now. . . . It's rather interesting. It feels like that one time I watched Harry Potter and then the rest of the night I was thinking in a British accent.

And this is pretty much a big ramble. If you've read this far, I'm guessing your name is Zack. Or you were really, really bored. Sorry. I'll try not to ramble so much again. Not that there is anyone left at this point to apologize to. . . . Maybe I'll put it at the top of the next post. . . . That should work.

Another one???

I've been blogging a lot lately, I know. . . . It's not really my fault. I only have so much time when I can talk to people. Zack is here in the mornings and I get to chat with Mom and Kate a couple times per week. Really, that's not that much talking. So. Here I am again. /shrug

This one is about being married. (This is rated E for Everyone. ;))

It's awesome. Being married, not the blog post. . . . (The blog post might be awesome, but I'll let you be the judge of that.) It's simply and amazingly wonderful. It's everything I thought it would be, and it's even better now that I'm living it. I'm usually one for nostalgia, the good ole days, etc. Not right now. Life has never been better.

This is not to say that I don't miss my family, friends, and church, or that I'm not ridiculously grateful for all of those things - because I am - but right now is . . . what I've always wanted. For longer than I can remember, I wanted to be married. Just married. Not with a house or with kids or with stuff. That was all extra which changed, sometimes from day to day, sometimes from phase to phase, with my mood/state of being. But I always wanted to be married.

Now I am. It's awesome. Great. Wonderful. Incredible. Perfect. :) I can't think of enough adjectives. I can't remember a time I've had this much overflowing joy that was sustained for so long. Oh, I'm sure it's going to get dented, and it'll probably fade a little bit in at least some aspect as time continues. But right now, it's in full force and it's gushing out. And I just wanted to post that marriage is wonderful, and I'm so happy that God made it, and that He gave me a husband. =) God is just so good to me.

How Does She Know?

My husband loves me. :) I know he loves me, and not only because he tells me. Not only because he does nice things for me. Not only because he goes to work everyday in order to take care of me. Not just because he's extra sweet when I'm sick, or because he cuddles even though he knows full well that he's probably going to get my cold from me.

Not only because he buys me a rose on Valentine's Day AND buys me blueberry bagels (along with other things) just because. Not only because he asks for my opinion on things. Not only because he worries about my well-being.

I know he loves me more than anyone else (physical realm, we're talking) because he wants to know me so much. He hates it when I say "never mind", not because he's jut a really curious person, but because he just wants to know what I'm thinking. And he tries so hard to make me happiest, as happy as he can, as happy as I can be. Sadly, I really don't make it very easy for him. And he loves me anyway.

There's a funny song from the movie Enchanted. "How Does She Know He Loves Her?" Something like that. It's a fun song. I like it. And this blog explains how I know. :)

At least, partially.