We bare our souls and tell the most appalling secrets!

Me revealed! Gaspar!

Ahem. So I have this problem. I get lonely. Like. . . REALLY lonely, where it hurts so bad that I end up crying myself to sleep type of lonely. And I know it's dumb and that I shouldn't be, but. . . sometimes knowing just doesn't change things. Lots of times it does, but sometimes. . . it doesn't work. That's why I talk a lot about getting married and wanting a boyfriend and stuff. I want someone to love and to love me. It's not that I feel unloved or that I don't love those around me - I do! A lot! It's just a completely different kind.

My brother tells me I worry about it too much. That I shouldn't think about it. And he has a point - it's not like I'm old or anything. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid that because I don't NEED someone, I won't get someone. That since I can live without, I'll have to. There are people who are completely and utterly convinced they need someone - that that is what's for them. I'm not. I just want it really, really bad. But I don't need it. So it scares me, because wants aren't always granted. Needs are. Bottom line, I wish that I needed what I want. I can survive on my own. (Well, not really my own. I need God's help.) Everything else is extra. Family. Friends. Guys. It's all . . . fluff, almost. It's cushioning. It's not necessary. That's scary to me.

But on to less depressing thoughts.

I think the guy at work who had a crush on me is getting over it. Not sure, but I think so. Which, I suppose, is good. But to be completely honest, I like the attention.

People are going bowling tomorrow night. . . Yeah, I don't know if I want to. I mean, it was okay last time. It was fun. . . sorta. The actual bowling was boring, but the people were cool. Some of 'em. . . lol I don't know. They're not my kind of people. Heh. *shrug* Mike gets along with them though. I only like Beth, really.

The Firetruck parade is tonight. . . Yippee? Yeah, I don't know anymore. I don't know if anything has really made me happy the past three days. . . Wait, no. Wednesday was three days ago. . . I was happy then. We had church. :) Anyway - last two days. I've laughed and stuff, but. . . not really happy, and then that bothers me because I don't like having to depend on other people to be happy. In fact, I pretty much hate it. And yet. . . . I've been sucked in.

It was easier when no one talked to me. . . . Like when I thirteen-fifteen. . . Katie was two-four. She got most of the attention. Dave was working/going to college and so was Mike. I wasn't doing anything. There was nothing to talk to Mom about 'cause we were in school together all day driving each other batty. And Dad worked. It was easier then. I didn't talk to them, so I didn't need to. Now I find that I need to talk to Mom or I can't unwind. That I feel SOOOOOOO much better if I do. . . . She's afraid I'll go away and not talk to her. Ha. lol She's stuck with me now. If I'd gone right after graduating? Yeah, probably wouldn't talk much. But now. . . Things change. =D

Anyway, enough of me. I think that's part of my problem. I'm so sick of me. I need someone to love - someone who talks to me about every little thing that happens, so instead of being immersed in my own head, I can be immersed in his day. . . . Yeah. . . I'm sick of me.

In closing, a verse that I really, really love. "Turn us again, O LORD God of hosts; cause Thy face to shine and we shall be saved." <---- There are three verses in that Psalm that are really similar, but every time the Psalmist changes the title he gives God just a little. I like how it starts with God turning us too. It's one of those little pointers at God's sovereignty.

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