Just can't decide

Happy St. Patrick's Day. =D And happy birthday to cousin Emily. :)

So I was all ready to go get a job. I was mentally prepared to go job hunting. I was physically prepared, wearing nice clothes with my hair and make-up just so. And then stuff happened, and I was stuck at home. And now I don't want a job again. I find I have a deeply rooted love for being home, for being around my family, and a natural aversion to going back into the world for 40 hours a week, spending all those hours amongst people who have no desire to know anything about God, who ignore Him every day of their lives.

I've been reading the Bible a lot this year. Much more than probably ever before in my life, even more than last semester when I read the entire OT. Because that was speed-reading for a class. This is normal reading, reading because I choose to, because I have a desire to be more familiar with the Scriptures. I don't want to lose that because of work. . . but I don't know, if I had so much less free time, if I'd be able to keep it up. :/ I don't know if I've grown that much.

And then there's the whole, I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want to go back to work. But should I want to? I have a debt that I need to pay and I need money to do it. Why doesn't that bother me like it should, like it used to? I used to despise the thought of debt. I still don't like it, but it's not weighing on me like I feel like it should. Why?? Am I flippant? Am I too dependent on Dad to pay it for me? I don't want him to have to do that. I want to pay it.

Actually. . . I want to work. I do. I just don't want to work for them, out there. I want a house to run and kids to train and teach. I want to do something lasting, something important. Not serve the senior citizens their coffee just so. . . Sigh. I don't know. . . I really don't. . .