Ants

Last night I walked into my bathroom to discover that it was pretty well infested with ants. They were in my sink and my tub, on the floor, on the walls, on the ceiling. There was a nice line of them (the ants go marching one by one!) that led to this really hard-to-reach corner in my bathroom, which has always looked terrible with peeling paint and the wood trim around the edges coming loose.

I was about to leave for work, so I couldn't really take the time then to do much except spray down the corner where they seemed to be most congregated with window cleaner (which kills them quite quickly), and hope that they didn't recover and make it into the little hallway before I got home again.

Eventually - after squishing and spraying probably around a 100 little ants - I think I've beaten them again. Tonight will tell; they're always busier after dark.

But while I was battling the remnants of them this morning, something occurred to me. These ants, these little bugs that get on everything have never hurt me. I don't know if they could hurt me. Some ants can - fire ants and army ants and such. But these ones? They're just super annoying and gross.

And then I was thinking about how we might compare the difference between us and ants to the difference between God and us, and how one day, the world will rise up in open, willful, conscious defiance against God. They won't just be ignoring Him; they'll be on the offensive.

There was this kind of humorous thought that came to me while I was thinking about that - the ants really bother me. They gross me out, and if I happen to get one on me, it immediately has my full attention as I try to get it off as quickly as possible. But people aren't even the harmless ants. Their "offensive" isn't even going to have the power to ANNOY God. They can't get into His proverbial bathroom without Him allowing it. They can't MOVE without Him giving them strength and health. They can't LIVE without HIM. And they're going to go on the offensive??

Reminds me of that quote from Batman: the Dark Knight - "You think that your client, one of the wealthiest, most powerful men in the world, is secretly a vigilante who spends his nights beating criminals to a pulp with his bare hands; and your plan, is to BLACKMAIL this person?"

Really?? That's your plan?? You can't LIVE without God and yet somehow you find it a good idea to try to remove Him from the equation? Even from a purely selfish standpoint, that is the dumbest thing ever. Either way, it leaves you DEAD!

Sometimes it's just so funny how pitiful we are. It's like when I was super little and I would wrestle with my dad. My parents would laugh and smile and it was funny! Because I couldn't MOVE him at ALL. I remember exactly what it felt like - it was like running into a slightly cushioned boulder, like pushing on a mountain.

So that was my funny thought today. It can also be sad and sobering and a lot of other things; but today it hit me as funny.

Yesterday

Yesterday, I was sad. I was heartbroken; I was in mourning.

Why? Because we heard that our bank account was going to be spent on our car. That doesn't sound good, does it? It sounds like loving money; it sounds like loving stuff.

It wasn't. It wasn't the money; it was what the money represented. It represented going home for Christmas, being able to donate more than change to RMD4Em. They were good plans, but they were my plans, and God was showing me something - I was making plans without saying, "if God wills." They were MY plans. They were nice plans; they were good plans; but they didn't take God into account. There was no addendum of, "If God allows us, this is what we shall do."

It was hard to think of missing Christmas with my family. It's a funny thing; yesterday, in my head, I was comparing myself to Abraham. I was thinking, God is testing me. God is asking me to put His will first, to say, "I know You know best. If You say I cannot go home for Christmas, then somehow, despite my understanding, I know that it is better for me not to go." Now, I know I wasn't being asked to sacrifice my child; but giving up Christmas with my mama, getting to introduce my dad to my little girl, spending the holidays with my siblings, getting to play in the snow? Those things are very dear to me. VERY dear.

And somehow, even though I made the same connection of God testing me, God asking if He is most important, I didn't think that He was going to tell ME, "Stop; put not forth your hand." I was not expecting to "get off easy."

I cried a lot yesterday. I couldn't sing; I could hardly talk most of the day; I was exhausted, but I couldn't rest. There was a hymn that came to mind early yesterday, and it just kept coming back to me. "All the Way my Savior Leads Me." All the verses were so fitting.

"All the way my Savior leads me; what have I to ask beside? Can I doubt His tender mercy, Who through life has been my guide?" Such fitting questions! Did one day erase all that God had done for me?

"All the way my Savior leads me, cheers each winding path I tread, gives me grace for every trial, feeds me with the living bread. Though my weary steps may falter, and my soul athirst may be, gushing from the Rock before me, lo! a spring of joy I see." Jesus led me all the way. I was not alone; I was not without help, without grace. He hadn't left me to bear my burden without any hope, without any comfort.

"All the way my Savior leads me. O the fullness of His love! Perfect rest to me is promised, in my Father's house above." What was one year, compared to eternity with Him? One Christmas cannot compare with that!

He led us there; He led us out again.

This morning, we got a phone call. Our spark plug had been fused to whatever is under it. This morning, they got it separated. Between eight hundred and a thousand dollars LESS than what they'd told us yesterday. Today, God said, "Put not forth your hand." Today God spared my proverbial Isaac. Today, God turned my mourning into joy and laughter. Jesus led me all the way.

Oh, that men would praise the Lord for His goodness and His wonderful works to the children of men!

Nevertheless

I've been struggling with something lately. It waxes and wanes in difficulty. Tonight was very hard, but God is faithful and will not suffer us to be tempted above that we are able, but will, with the temptation also make a way of escape that we may be able to bear it.

I would love it if this one fear never came to be; and while I will keep praying for that, I know very well that God's will is better than mine. Though I cannot tell what His plan is yet, I know it's best. And, with His help, I come round again to saying, "Nevertheless, not my will but Thine be done."

My heart it cries; the tears run down
My face is filled with pain
Not outward things, but inward griefs
On me are heavy lain
 
To You I lift my voice and cry,
To You I turn for strength
To You, my God, the faithful One
Whose mercies have no length

For all of You cannot be measured
You are eternity
And so to You I bring my prayers
Look down on me and see

O Lord of hosts, Thou strong Deliverer
Be Thou my portion now
My hour is coming fast - draws near!
My terror will not bow

To me it gives not any heed
I cannot conquer it
Too many times it throws me down
And how much I wish to quit!

Too great for me is this my care!
Too much for me to hold
I know I do not have the strength
Underneath, I shrink and fold

Yet You are strong! Your arm is long!
And Your promises I own
That You'll be with me the entire way
I will never be alone.

You tell me here to cast my cares,
To lay them all on You.
I do not know if I can throw,
But help me this to do:

To put them down, to leave behind
To let them go for good.
To trust Your love; to love You more
To know when I can't, You could

And though I pray You'd save me now
And give me full relief
Yet more I pray and ask of You
"Lord, help mine unbelief!"

Make me trust You in Your grace
Make me love Your will
Make me able to truly say
"In this, I follow still."

For not my will but Thine be done!
It is my greatest prayer
And if Thy will be pain and grief
Then help me them to bear

And on You, and in Your arms
At last to rest secure
For You alone are good and kind
You are the only cure.

And here I find as I have before
There is peace with You.
You answer again; You leave me not
What You've said, you always do.

Not Romney, Not Obama - then Who?

Every time I hear something from Romney or about Romney, I get more and more sure that I cannot vote for the man. Others feel differently - I get that. You want someone who can win. You want someone with a chance. And you would take Sauron over Obama. (I've been rereading LotR.)

I really do get it. However. . . Is Romney the ONLY person with a CHANCE?

Believe it or not, I'm not actually talking about Ron Paul or anyone in particular. I'm talking about someone that maybe you and I haven't heard of - but others have!

I'm not sure how I got there, but I found the Libertarian candidate - Gary Johnson. I haven't done much research on the guy (yet), but I was wondering how many people I know have done any looking outside of the two main candidates At All. I'm pretty sure most of my conservative friends and family are in the same boat as me about two things - we don't want Obama; we don't want Romney. Maybe we wanted Santorum or Paul or even Bachmann before, but we didn't want Romney and we didn't want Obama.

The only difference is that some of them are willing to go with someone we don't want over someone we REALLY don't want; and I'm not. (Mostly because I REALLY don't want either of them. . . .)

But what if we're all overlooking something? What if we really don't need to choose between two evils in order to win? What if there IS someone out there who DOES have a chance of winning that we just don't know about because we're too lazy to look and see (and because the media isn't going to give them the time of day)? What if we can have a GOOD candidate AND a winning candidate?

My point is this - I don't need the best. If I'm convinced that the best can't beat the bad, but the good CAN? I'd say, "Let's all vote for the Good!" If Ron Paul IS the best (I'm not saying he is; just IF), but Gary Johnson has a better chance of winning and is good enough, I'll vote Libertarian.

I'm going to vote. I want to vote. I cannot vote for the two main candidates; my conscience would seriously smite me. But I'm not terribly politically savvy, and I really have no idea how to know who amongst the few good people we have has the best chance of winning. So if you have any ideas or insights, do share. And please, please - don't just throw in the towel and join the Romney camp because you like him better than Obama. We have two months yet. Please, let's make sure we're not missing something.

Legitimate Rape

I don't have cable. I have a couple of News headlines that I see on occasion, but overall, I really don't pay a terrible amount of attention to what the media is saying. So when things happen, it usually takes me a little while to catch up on what exactly is going on.

There's a big controversy in the works because some congressman answered a question about abortion and his opinion on whether or not it should be legal if a woman conceived from being raped. Here's the actual statement:  "First of all, from what I understand from doctors, that's really rare. If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."

My first experience with the story was actually hearing/reading a bunch of negative comments about it and how he was so stupid to think that and how offensive and horrible saying the phrase "legitimate rape" is. It took me a while to realize that that's ALL the guy said. And then I sat there thinking, Seriously?

I don't like jumping to conclusions and I've found that it saves me a lot of trouble and embarrassment if I don't assume that I know what people mean. So when I read that one statement, I seriously have no idea what he means by "legitimate rape." I would personally lean toward thinking that he means that it's actual (no, that's not the dictionary definition of the word, but it is one of the way it gets used A LOT; authentic IS one of the definitions) rape as opposed to someone saying they got raped when they didn't.

His apology seems to give some credence to that take because once everyone threw up their arms in horror, he apologized for his poor choice of wording. Seems to me that he didn't mean legitimate in that it's lawful, accepted, or proper; seems to me that he meant legitimate, as in, authentic. This is English; there's a plethora of meanings for many words.

So, first, there was all of this offense taken, which I really didn't get.

Second, there was the bashing of his mental capacity which ticked me off just a bit. Let me be very clear before getting into this: I am NOT saying that it's impossible for women to get pregnant from rape. I understand that it happens. However, if you look at what he said, Congressman Akin wasn't saying that it's impossible either. He said, FROM HOW HE UNDERSTOOD IT (very important phrase), it's rare.

I don't claim to be very well-educated. I do alright in some areas, but I'm not a science or a math person. I'm NOT a biology person. Thus, I decided to do some research on the topic, but from a slightly different angle. I decided to look up what you do in the case of infertility. If you look up tips on how to get pregnant, there are a couple of interesting things that pop up quite often that directly impact this idea. The following were found from multiple sources on the topic of how to be more fertile.

One, be relaxed and keep things romantic; stressing out has a negative impact on both ovulation and conception. Two, the woman having an orgasm helps pull the sperm along thus giving a better chance of fertilization. Three, I read a very interesting article last night about how a woman's uterus needs to get used to her mate's specific sperm in order to provide a healthy environment for a baby. (This is why one-night stands that produce a child have a much higher chance of ending in a miscarriage.) This one doesn't apply to all rape, obviously, but it does apply to quite a few instances.

So rape victims actually do have less chance of getting pregnant? Honestly, it completely depends on which doctors/researchers you decide to trust. You can find arguments and articles - educated, researched, documented ones - on both sides. But it certainly isn't as DUMB an idea as a whole lot of people made it sound. The vast majority of fertility websites agree with Congressman Akin; no one is calling them whacked. When medical journals, doctors, and researchers are all saying it, I find it unreasonable to call the guy a quack because he took them at their word. After all, if you DON'T believe it, you're taking some OTHER doctor at his/her word.

In closing, there's that phrase that I put in all caps above. America is about as ungracious a country as I can imagine, and this, right here, is proof of that. When someone says, "how I understand it" - it's just kind of uncalled for to start slamming them for being ignorant, no matter what you think of how they understand something. Using that phrase, he was being upfront with the fact that HE DIDN'T KNOW. He wasn't making outlandish claims; he wasn't dogmatically making a statement of fact. He said, "From how I understand it." And he even referred to who he understood it from - doctors - obviously giving them the authority on the subject, not claiming to have any authority himself.

What bothers me most about the whole thing though, is that no one seems at all interested in his apology, as if he's sinned an unforgivable sin. It's a common joke that politicians and lawyers aren't really people, but seriously? Is that how we're going to treat them? Like they're sub-human or something? The man misspoke. He then apologized and took back his statement. What exactly do you want? It's one thing for the media to not move on - they get their money from that stuff. It's quite another for everyday people to have that same attitude. We don't get anything from hanging onto feelings of prejudice or superiority. Imagine if we responded that way to EVERYONE who misspoke.

Misunderstandings happen - quite frequently. If we cannot learn how to communicate through them without taking and giving offense, we will never be able to work together in any venue. The moment we dismiss someone as being an idiot is the moment we become unable to effectively communicate with them.

Quick Tip

Just a quick word of advice: If something looks frumpy on a model, don't bother.

Also, 6pm.com has some pretty cute things that are on sale right now. Maybe I should quit WoW and save up to buy some clothes and shoes. . . . It's tempting. Quite tempting, actually.

Marriage is Awesome

I think I wrote a post about this back when I got married. It hasn't really changed. We've had ups and downs already, but that part, that hasn't changed. Part of it is because, when I wanted to get married for all those years (like. . . my whole life), it was because I wanted companionship. And that hasn't changed. I have my friend, my best friend. We experience life together.

I'm six months pregnant and I get nervous about how having a baby is going to change our life. It won't just be him and me experiencing life together. We'll have a little one. But there's something that I try to remind myself of - it will still be him and me. No one else will have OUR relationship. I have siblings and I have people as close as siblings - but there will never be anyone else like Zack. There won't be another person that I am close to in that way.

The other thing I try to remember is that so far, I only like/love him more since getting pregnant. Part is because fatherhood suits him. I knew it would. It was really the only reason that I wanted to actually HAVE a baby myself. Because I wanted him to be a dad in the fullest and completest meaning of the word. I wasn't too thrilled about all the bodily changes and the pain and so on and so forth. Part is because it's new. And all the wonderful things about him come out in new ways given a new venue.

Marriage is awesome. But marriage is awesome because I love my husband and my husband loves me. May God keep that from ever changing.

The Rising

I just finished my book. I named it The Rising. And I typed the last words a few minutes ago. It's a crazy feeling. 

I started it three and a half years ago - December of '08 or January of '09. I remember that because I started it after I got out of college. I came home, read this book that my brother had, and started writing. I still have those beginning hand-written pages. They're vastly different from it's current form, but some things remained as they were. 

It needs editing, I know. I'll have to read it through a few times, and I'm going to need help from people. But right now, I'm on a bit of a high. I wrote a book! I wrote a book. . . . It doesn't seem real. I've written stories - lots of stories. Star Wars stories, sci-fi stories, LotR rip-offs, knights and dragons - I've tried a lot of stuff. I even started getting good at finishing stories. But stories are not books. 

I wrote a book. It's not a NaNo Novel. It's big enough to be a REAL novel.

My family was a big help. Every one of them contributed, even if they didn't know it. Kate was the biggest help though. She didn't let me forget about it; she didn't let it get stale. She kept asking about it, kept wanting me to write more, kept wanting me to send it to her whenever I had a new word written.

I wrote a book. I don't feel like I should be able to say that.

Lesser of Two Evils

This is a hard topic. And let me say right off the bat that, while I will probably make some very dogmatic statements, I don't mean at all that I cannot be wrong on this or that I'm accusing anyone of sinning or something. This is just the conclusion that I have come to.

There seems to be one reason for voting for a candidate that you know is bad - he's not as bad as the other guy. It's not that he's good, that he has some redeeming quality. It's that he's just not as bad as the other one. I voted for McCain because of this reasoning. I regret that vote.

And thinking about that, if I had the choice of Ahab or Jeroboam, how could I vote for either one? Why do we see a difference in our situation? We have Obama - a liar, a proponent of baby-murder, and someone who's destroying our nation from the inside. Then we have Romney - at the very least a liar and someone who doesn't seem to have any solid stance whatsoever on things like abortion, gay marriage, etc. etc. For evidence of that, click Here. He's for a woman's right to choose AND working to overturn Roe vs. Wade??? Can you possibly trust that guy?

When using the phrase "lesser of two evils" most people probably don't think that the choices are actually evil. However, I think they are. Mormon or Islamic, neither of them believes in the God of the Bible and neither of them are going to follow Him. Both of them have stated that they are pro-choice (whether they "changed their mind" later or not). How can we vote for evil?

I don't know what Ron Paul's religious views are. I do know that he is very steadfastly pro-life. I absolutely do NOT know that about Romney.

I've also heard the argument that "if we split the vote, the other side will win for sure." This one makes me even more riled. Because I hear it from Christians. Guess what? I'm not worried one itty, bitty, tiny speck about what the other side wants. That does not and should not come into the equation. Are we voting to win? Or are we voting to do what's right?

I'm voting because I believe that I should. God has put me in a country where it is my privilege to express an opinion on who I believe is most in line with His morals. That's why I vote. And WHO I vote for should be based on the same thing. Is this who GOD wants me to vote for? Not, "Is this who the party wants me to vote for?" Or, "is this who the other side doesn't want me to vote for?" Not, "Does he/she have a chance of winning?" Is this who GOD wants me to vote for?

When I stand before Jesus and recall all my deeds in life, am I going to look back and say I voted for someone because I thought he had the best chance of winning? Is my reason going to be so that the other side wouldn't win? Am I voting for someone because I'm afraid of what Obama might do in another four years? Is fear of man my motivator? Will I stand before God and say, "But the other guy was worse"? Is that going to be my excuse for not thinking FIRST about what God wants?

Politics get so separated from Christianity. We're supposed to be Christians FIRST. So when we talk about candidates and what their qualifications are, maybe we should start talking about how they line up Biblically before anything else comes up.

I Just Want A Phone

I'm a weird person when it comes to technology. I like special effects on movies, but I can't stand a lot of computer generated stuff - like Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. I like crazy camera stuff like the circle around Trinity when she's about to kick that guy in the face and the jumping/glitching thing that they do on Burn Notice, and noticing the different amounts of color they allow (Payback is almost entirely on a gray scale). I like HDTV, but I can't stand enormous screens. I don't want to feel like I'm in a theatre; I want to be in my pajamas in my house with a bowl of ice cream.

I like quality sound, not surround sound. I don't like feeling like I'm in the middle of the movie - I like WATCHING the movie. I don't want it to feel more realistic - that's why I'm watching a MOVIE. I don't want to be there; I just want to relax and enjoy seeing/hearing it.

This goes for phones, too. Bigger is not better. I like pushing buttons. (As do the vast majority of small children, I might add. There's just something fun about pushing buttons. It's why I learned to type.) Touch screens are disgusting and seem to be impossible to keep clean - like the sliding glass door in a house full of toddlers. Also, you have to lock your phone to keep from pocket calling people. I don't like to have to unlock my phone, and I don't like to have to push a button before I can say, "Hello?" I like the old way. You pick up the phone and the other person is there.

I like the old stuff. Flip phones; SNES video game graphics; old, normal-size TVs. And I am spectacularly happy that my husband is good with going with what I like for most shared stuff. He can have his 22-inch computer monitor and I'll keep my 15-inch laptop. Once we have a house, we'll probably plug the subwoofer back in as a compromise - I can deal with some WOOF if I don't have to hear it from every corner of the house.

I like simplicity. I like less cords and less mess. I like a phone that doesn't need to have security measures on it to prevent me from accidentally calling people. I like when things that are obviously NOT going to look realistic (like video game graphics) don't bother trying so hard. In the end, I don't want an iphone or a droid and I definitely don't want a touch screen. And it's kind of annoying when it's so hard to find something simple because everyone else is so enamored with having MORE.