Joyful Living

Joyful living is something that used to come very easy to me. Looking back, I feel like my emotions were fairly consistent - lonely or happy. I’m sure.there was more of a range than that, but the two that stick out the most are those. Lonely. Or happy.

Things have changed a lot since I had kids. Highs are higher, but lows are lower. My loneliness has decreased dramatically, but so has my happiness. I seek out my son and tickle him to feel something good, but it doesn’t last.

It’s been a big struggle since my bout of PPD after Evelynn’s birth. I LOVE my family. But, too often, I let myself hang my happiness on them. On whether the day is going well. On whether they are listening and being kind. On whether my husband helped me with things. I struggle with joy.

Something has been brewing in my mind for the past few days. When I’m joyful, I naturally start to think about eternity. There are parts of it that are hard for me to imagine. I don’t know what it’s going to be like to be close to Jesus, to be able to see His face. I don’t know if we’re going to speak, or if hugs are something you can do with your Creator. I don’t know any of that, so my thoughts tend to go to more ... mundane things. And yet, so FAR from mundane.

It’s easy to think about running with deer and feeling healthy and strong. It’s easy to think about having energy and exploring the world. It’s easy to think about talking to angels and asking them what it was like. It’s easy to think about EVERYONE having a testimony that is heard and loved - because no matter the nature of your conversion, the facts are that God chose you and loved you and brought you to Him.

It’s easy to think about the singing and the playing and the celebrating. And thinking about eternity, my joy starts to grow. I get excited. I think about the blessing of going to church - but without the stress of before and after. I won’t have to get five people ready to go somewhere and I won’t have to think about feeding them and naptimes.

I don’t resent those things; but like Paul said, single people don’t have as may earthly thoughts to distract them from the goal.

And that’s eternity. That’s the mark! That’s the JOY set before us. That makes our suffering sweeter, and our pain endurable. It makes our desires here shrink in comparison and makes our trials seem small. Because eternity is SO BIG!

So I guess I have a new goal for this year as well. When I feel my joy slipping,  I need to remember the real goal.  I need to look forward as Jesus did, as Paul did.

2018 Goals

I wrote out my goals for this year, and decided they might make a good blog post. Maybe. It will be very easy to see what I struggle with, but the older I get, the less time I have to care about hiding things.

Spiritual:
Read through the Bible
Memorize one passage of Scripture per month
Spend 10 minutes each day in prayer

Physical:
Reach 125 lbs and maintain
Exercise at least 3 times per week

Attitude:
Practice an attitude of being proactive - Focus on what I can change; pray about what I can’t.
Less TV - more books
Spend at least five minutes per day cleaning (not picking up/organizing) CLEAN!
Listen more; argue less

Continue schooling the kids
If possible, self-publish The Rising


Prayer is hard for me. It works best if I write to God, or if I sing to Him. Ten minutes seems so small, and yet, 10 minutes every day, is probably more than I have ever done.

Exercise is also something I struggle with. Its much easier for me to stop eating than it is to make myself work out - especially when it’s hot.

And lastly, I hate cleaning. Haha. I will organize, sort, and throw things away all day long and pretent it counts as cleaning. It doesn’t. No more excuses. Run the vacuum, woman! (I have recently improved with sweeping. It’s quiet and fast; therefore, I like it best. And I get to avoid dusting and vacuuming.... Heh.)

There they are! My goals for the new year.

In All Points

For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin. 

Hebrew 4:15

There are a lot of passages in the Bible that are uplifting and comforting. I think some people are able to take this one in that way, but I never have been able to. It’s a challenge for me every time I think about it. It usually comes to mind when I’m struggling with depression and fear and worry. I think I’m alone, no one knows, no one cares, no one else GETS IT! And I’m tempted to think God doesn’t know either. 

Because, Jesus was a man. Jesus was the oldest sibling. Jesus didn’t get married, didn’t have kids, didn’t home school, didn’t, didn’t, didn’t.... 

He was in ALL POINTS tempted like me. He didn’t have to live my life to feel my pains. That’s a lie we hear continuously these days, I think. “You haven’t been there, so you can’t know.” That’s what we’re told all the time. But He can. He heard that lie, too. He felt that pain, too. He mourned for His friends, too; prayed for His family, too. He loved, too. He feared, too. He asked, too. He wept, too.

But... He loved More. His pain was greater. His loneliness was more complete; His Father turned His face away. My Father never turns His face. I am the one who turns. I’m tempted and fall and get lost, but His face is always there. It is always shining. He is always singing over me. His Spirit is always with me. 

He knows. He knows me. He knows you. He knows our fears. He knows our trials. He knows our infirmities. He was tempted, yet without sin. 

Praise God the only thing He doesn’t know is failure. 

Blessed

You know you are blessed when normal interactions with the people around you push you

to think more,
to live more,
to love more,
to pray more,
to feel more,
to learn more,
to try more,
to be more...

In the past two months, I’ve been touched by several different people in different ways, and they’ve all inspired me to do better or be better.

And I think that is a kind of miraculous considering the state of our world. To God be the glory.

I hope to start writing more again, possibly even blogging once a week if I can find enough topics. :)

It Should ALL Be Free

Education, medical help, you name it. Housing and food, gasoline and energy - it should all be free.

Now, before you call me a socialist, let me expound.

God made a perfect world. A world that brought forth food abundantly, a world that didn't need housing or protection from the elements. Ah, you see where I'm going already, don't you? What is it that everyone today needs most? Food and shelter. What is it that drives the world market? Food and shelter. They're the biggest commodities, because they are the most necessary.

It SHOULD all be free, but we sinned. And sin brings death. The world is cursed; the ground is stubborn now. Making enough food is hard. And people are still sinners. They don't want hard. So I'll take what you've worked hard for and eat it myself. And people are greedy. I have everything, and I'm not going to share unless you pay through the nose for it.

It SHOULD all be free, but this world will never have it that way, and trying to force it back into perfection is impossible. We cannot restore what God took away. And we cannot change our wicked hearts ourselves. For every person who gives charitably there is another person robbing the charity. For every person giving selflessly, there is another person abusing the selfless.

It SHOULD all be free. We should be free. But that freedom comes only in Christ, and it doesn't exist in this life. We cannot correct a fallen world by destroying the idea of the individual. We cannot exist ONLY as a community, only as a society. We must be individuals first. We must work hard first. If we all worked hard, we could make it free. We could take care of the poor. We could provide food and shelter for the world. We have enough. But it requires two things - hard work and generous hands. And we live in a sinful world where the vast majority of people fall into one of two categories, lazy or greedy.

Lazy will not work as hard as they can. Greedy will, but they won't share. And together, those people eliminate the possibility of a free world.

I long for the day when everything is free. Education? You can learn from the very best teacher. Food? All around you, anytime, anywhere. Energy? For whatever you need. Technology? It was made to be shared. Art? It's a gift to see your smile.

The world was made to be free - where we all work and we all give, as individuals who care for individuals. We take care of each other, not because of a mandate, but because we want to better each other. We work, not to provide for ourselves, but to provide more for each other. We give, not to receive, but to produce joy. The world was made to be free. That world exists in Christ.

Love Wins

It's the hashtag that I've seen everywhere supporting the decision of the US Supreme Court to redefine marriage. Love wins!

Does anyone else see the massive irony in this? Love does win. Love won on the cross. Love will win in the end. Because, oh what's that? God IS love!

I can't decide if this is sickening or hilarious. The redefining of love has been going on for ages, it seems. Love is lust. Love is attention. Love is affirmation. Love is never saying, "You're wrong." Right? That's what we hear all the time. It's not loving for someone to tell you, "no." We should all let our kids touch the stove - because it's more loving to just let them do what they want. It's more loving to let them touch it than to say, "no, no."

It's more loving to give them everything so that they don't have to work for anything. It's more loving to shower them with gifts than to teach them how to budget and save for the things that they really want. It's more loving to do everything for them than to teach them that they can do it themselves.

Oh, love..... The above is what makes me feel ill. The exchanging truth for a lie, the upside-down view that is sooooo easy to swallow. It makes me sick because it's eating my friends alive.

But it's also laughable. Did you see all those people posting that love wins? They have NO CLUE what they're saying. They're right! It's Psalm 2 - God sits in heaven and laughs; He has them in derision. They have no idea! Yes! Love wins! God has already won. Jesus paid is all, and It Is Finished!

And then my heart breaks. Because they have no idea.... They don't know love. They don't know God.

The Sacrifice of Jesus

I've been thinking a lot recently of about Jesus' death on the cross and the sacrifice that was made there. I've always felt that I could understand His motives, His ability to do that, not exhaustively, but I've always felt that I can relate. Because I would give my life for those that I love. At least, I believe that I could and would if that situation were to arise. 

But the part of it that goes beyond my comprehension is the role of the Father. He sent His Son to die, to become a man and live on earth for 33 years. To deny Jesus' request that there might be another way out because there was no other way. Can you imagine? I can. 

I remember my cousin once got a fish hook stuck in her toe. All the way through her toe. And her dad kept saying they were going to have to cut it out and she kept pleading with him for there to be another way. He wanted to console her, to help her, but He had to get it fixed. 

God killed His Son. In those three hours of Jesus' need, the Father cut Him off. And that, I cannot understand. A part of me feels that it is almost wrong - because we are not worth that. But it's not just about us. Jesus obeyed His Father to show the wonder and power of the Father's love. And the Father sent Jesus to show the amazing humility and indescribable patience of the Son. 

The sacrifice of the cross was not only Jesus'. It was the entire Godhead, sacrificing to show the attributes of the others and to buy us back into their family. 

What Are We Worth?

I read this article from a friend's page on Facebook today. I went through a fair portion of reactions. I mean, can you call "progressive Christianity" Christianity? Really? I'm glad they took a stand somewhere, though taking a stand on the fact of sin is just about going as far as you can.... 

I read through the entire thing, and I just sat back kind of amazed. Because they got it. They had it down. They knew the answers; they just didn't like it. If you don't have sin, you have no need of a Savior. Without a Savior, what does Jesus matter? Without Jesus, there is no relationship with God. And they KNEW it! They knew exactly why the Christians (I hope they were really Christians) wouldn't give it up.
 
And then I suddenly realized, this belief that we are not basically messed up is the driving force for so much horror and death and strife. If my worth is not based on being made in the image of God, it must be based on what I can do, what I can contribute - morally, socially, intellectually, whatever. My abilities are the sum of my worth. 

So children are worth little (abortion). Old people are worth little; invalids are worth little; sick people are worth little (euthanasia). But what happens when I am one of those? Depression. Stress. Anxiety. Fear. What do I do to keep from being one of those? I can go against others: steal, lie, cheat, hoard, abuse, kill. Or I can work myself to death in order to have enough money, stuff, people, power, fame. I do everything I can to be worth something. But what happens? Two possibilities: I come to the conclusion that I am worthy, and there are other people who aren't (enter murderers and rapists, genocides and holocausts); or I fall under the burden of never measuring up, never feeling that I am worth anything. I failed - because even if I succeeded in "making it" I still don't feel worth more, and what is the point of living?

The Christian faith has anything but low self-image. We, humans, are made in the image of God. We, humans, were worth enough that God Himself BECAME a man. We, humans, are God's TWICE over in Christ. He made us, and then He paid for us again!

What we don't have is a self-image that puts us in God's place. What we have is a view that puts God on the throne and us at His feet. To mind of the humanist that makes us small. But to be at the feet of God is not small or unimportant. My children are not worth less because they play on the floor at my feet. And I am not worth less because I bow at the feet of Jesus.

Happy Is the Man

For a little while now, I've been thinking about the verses from Psalm 127 about children. It came up in a discussion with my brother about how many kids we were wanting/planning to have in our families. And I can't help but think of the many, MANY times I've heard of this verse being used, not as a principle, but as some kind of legalistic measuring stick requiring that people have such-and-such amount of children. How many arrows used to fit in an old-fashioned quiver? Is that how many kids we're supposed to have? What is too few? Is there such a thing as too many? What about the people who can't have that many kids?

Before going on, here is the entire Psalm:

127Except the Lord build the house, they labour in vain that build it: except the Lord keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain.

² It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows: for so he giveth his beloved sleep.
³ Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.
⁴ As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth.
⁵ Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.


Things that are VERY clear from this small amount of text:
Without God's blessing, our actions are worthless - fruitless.
God gives good things to those He loves.
Children are one of those blessings.

As Pastor Alistair Begg often says, "The main things are the plain things." The emphasis of the chapter is NOT on how many kids you have. It just says that if God gives you lots, you've been blessed lots. If someone gets eight hours of sleep every night, they are blessed - God gives sleep to those He loves. That doesn't mean that the person who has trouble sleeping for three hours a night is NOT blessed of God, or sub-par or a bad Christian. It just means that God hasn't blessed them as much in that particular way. How many hours of sleep I get is not a reflection of my status before God. Which is good, because the people who are having all the kids are generally not getting much sleep. So you're basically trading one blessing of God for another. Does that mean that you aren't blessed? Does it mean that you aren't following God? No... What lunacy! 

To be honest, I'm so sick of Christians passing judgment on other Christians about stuff like this. Saying that such a person should or should not be having more kids.... I'm so tired of it. And I've heard both. I've heard people who have been judged to death that they don't have enough kids. And on the other side, that family has too many because their kids don't act the way I think they should.

It's such a lack of grace. There's no grace in that. There's no bearing each other's burdens. There's no coming alongside, no gentleness, no offering of sympathy, no kindness. 

When did Christians lose gentleness? It's gone. Of all the fruits of the Spirit that people talk about, gentleness just isn't there. Of all the things that are lacking in our churches, gentleness is the one that I just don't see often. I think that's why I gravitate to older crowds. Old people tend to be very gentle; it's grandparent syndrome. But that's a topic for a different day - gentleness, the missing fruit.

Anyway, I think that poor fifth verse has been so abused. It's not about a number. It's about the blessing. It's not about judging each other because of what God has blessed them with (or not), but about rejoicing in whatever blessing He's given because He has blessed us all. So one person has sleep and one person has kids - let's all be grateful to our God together. It's like Christmas - you don't get mad cause you got a bike and your sibling got a pogo stick. Just be grateful to your parents for what they gave you and rejoice with your sibling in that you have kind, loving parents. O, magnify the Lord with me and let us exalt His name together!

He's Here

I have my Evelynn and my Joash now. I am quite contented.

After Evelynn was born, despite all the issues I was having - the lack of sleep, the inability to nurse her, my depression with the circumstances of her birth - I wanted another baby. Not right then, but I knew so quickly that I wanted a second baby. I wanted Joash. It didn't take more than a month and I knew that I wanted my little boy.

And now he's here! He's a much better sleeper than Evelynn. And despite the circumstances of his birth, I've had absolutely no qualms about what happened. I don't know why, but I was far more worried about having the version done than having a C-section. I'm still not the least bit remorseful that I didn't try the version or that it ended in a C-section. It was certainly different, certainly a harder recovery, but ... I just don't care that that's what happened. Overall, I have a peace about his birth that it took almost a year for me to receive after Evelynn's. I really was as ready as I thought I was. Thanking the Lord for that. It's much better this way.

I don't really have a great desire to go the natural, home-birth direction again. Not that we have to make that decision any time particularly soon. Haha. But I think I would be okay with a hospital birth if we have another go. At least, now I know that not all hospitals and not all hospital staffs are like the ones we had with Evelynn. And the more kids I have, the more I know what I'm getting into. I really did prefer the midwives prenatal care though, so we'll see. Like I said, we have time.

I can't imagine giving birth more than once more. I'm not a fan of newborns. I do love them. I'd die for them, but I don't enjoy them. There's pretty much nothing about this stage of life that I like, except, you know, that I have my baby. At the same time, it's hard to imagine not knowing my kids from their beginning.... But I've always wanted to adopt, too.

It's hard to figure out how to split my time. I imagine that's only going to get exponentially harder as our family grows. I feel like it's been really rough on Evelynn. We've been best friends her entire life, and now there's someone else who has to take priority a fair portion of the time. It's hard. I don't want to lose that best friends thing. It's hard to think about adding another little person to the mix. Makes me a little more sympathetic to my parents for the times that I felt forgotten. It's probably easier to forget the one that didn't have a prior connection. I imagine it would be easier to brush Joash off, just because he and I have never been best friends yet. I'll have to watch out for that.

Well, it's past my bed time. I'm the only one who blogs any more. I don't know if anyone reads it still, but here I am, writing away. Gotta write somewhere. ;)