Pooh's Corner

180 Movie

2012-01-30T16:12:00.000-08:00

There's a video that's going around called the "180 Movie." It's pro-life, made by a Jewish man who likens the Holocaust to the abortion epidemic that is happening today. For the record, I recommend watching this movie. If you're not pro-life, it makes a very good argument; if you are pro-life, you'll probably find it encouraging by the end. (The beginning is kind of sad because of how uneducated people are.)

I "like"d the Movie's page on Facebook and now I get a lot of things from it. Some I enjoy; sometimes it's just kind of annoying. It's taking a good thing and shoving it in your face so much that it gets wearisome. Like a good song that you really love until you hear it all day every day for a week. And then you can't stand it. But that's a rabbit trail.

These posts that I see are often statements about how people value Stuff above People. I completely agree with this take on the world; stuff is extremely important to people and other people are often seen as only a way to increase one's Stuff. In today's post, it compared a rolex watch to a baby. How many people would stop someone from smashing an expensive watch, but have no qualms if they hear someone is going to have an abortion?

The meaning is well-taken, but my brain didn't want to leave it at just that. How many people would rather have the watch than see it smashed? Or in the parallel, how many people would want the baby rather than know it's going to be killed? What if the baby were being aborted for medical reasons (a deformity, a mental illness, a disease, etc. etc.)?

Being pro-life shouldn't just be anit-pro-choice. It should mean, if I have the opportunity to save a life (without sinning), I take it. I should WANT to take it, not just feel that it's my duty as a Christian. Honestly, I don't feel that way right now. There's a difference in my head between accepting MY children no matter what issues they have and accepting someone ELSE'S child no matter what issues they have. I don't really have a choice when it's my kid. I don't HAVE to adopt a drug baby. If we chose to adopt, we could choose a nice, healthy baby. A baby that we think is cute or one that has the same coloring as us or whatever parameters we want.

But I shouldn't feel that way. If I can SAVE a life, it shouldn't matter what the condition of the body of that life is in. It should not matter if it's an old person who won't remember that I saved them, or a baby with such extreme mental health problems that they'll never have the capacity to form a real sentence.

Obviously, this is pretty much hypothetical right now. Maybe one day, if we ever have enough money to adopt, it won't be. But I think it's good to have such things stirring around in my head. One day it may all be very much real, and being who I am, it'll go better if I have an idea of what I believe and why BEFORE any of it happens.

In closing, let me quickly add that I stated some things very dogmatically. I believe them which is why I said them strongly, but I am very open to discussion and/or debate. I think today is the first time I've ever thought about this - at least in this way.

Happy Monday. :)

Getting old. . . .

2012-01-22T12:56:00.000-08:00

I know I'm not getting OLD old, but I've been feeling kind of old because I've been forgetting things lately. That's not like me. But then again, maybe it's not like me because I'm not used to being quite "so busy." (I'm not actually busy as in things are taking up all my time; I'm busy in that the things that take up my time are all different things - makes it harder to keep track of stuff.)

So in the spirit of being forgetful, I'm going to blog about something that I'm pretty sure I've blogged about before, something that's been on my mind a lot recently.

My topic is things that I always wanted/always expected. And my thoughts about WHY I wanted those things or expected those things.

Something I expected (though not something I wanted) was that I would not live around my family when I grew up. I didn't know where I would live, I hoped for certain kinds of places, but in all my thinking about what life would be like as a grownup, I never expected to live around my family.

I wanted to marry a preacher - a pastor, a missionary, an evangelist, it didn't matter. I went through them all at different stages, but the overarching theme was I wanted to marry a preacher.

This one I didn't just expect, I was relatively certain of, even though it began later in life (I think I was pretty convinced by the time I was fourteen): I had to meet the guy I was going to marry online. People liked me better online; I could get to know people online; I had an easier time communicating, etc. etc.. There were lots of reasons.

On the flip side: I could never picture myself dating, and in actuality, I've been on very few dates. "Dating" for us was talking on the phone for more than three hours on Saturday night. I knew I would get engaged, because I knew I would get married; but not being able to see myself dating helped my conclusion that I would marry someone I met online. It also made being Zack's girlfriend somehow more novel to me than being his fiance. Haha.

I expected to be poor. Not super poor, but as fun as it is to think about having money. . . . I wouldn't know what to do with it. Or, at least, I can't think of worth-while things to do with it. Haha. I could spend lots of money on STUFF - but what good is stuff?

Anyway, the WHY of all of this. Believing, as I do, in the God Who is involved in every aspect of the goings on in the world, I know that He orchestrated it. He gave it to me to expect things that He had long before determined were going to happen. Part of the reason, I think, is because I don't do well with unexpected things (I think I've learned to be more flexible, but it still gets rough sometimes). So He decided to let me know YEARS prior to events the basic way that things would happen.

Maybe He knew that if I hadn't been somewhat mentally preparing to leave my family for as long as I can remember, I wouldn't have been able to when Zack came along. The really interesting part is that God used my fears - my fear of being alone - to help me get used to the idea of not having my family around, so that when it came time for me to leave. . . I was sad and it was hard. But moving across the country was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much better than losing them for the rest of my life. I can visit them in Michigan this way; I get to see them on Skype every week.

Anyway. It's been on my mind. God is. . . . Heh. I couldn't think of a word that would fit what I wanted to say, so. . . God is that He is. And anyone who knows Him partially understands the depths of what that conveys.

"Deliciously Sinful"

2012-01-18T18:12:00.000-08:00

Please note the quotes. ;)

First, let me say that this is not to reprimand anyone who has used this phrase or something similar to it. It's just something that was brought to my attention and it got me thinking (again) about how free we are with our words and how we all say things without thinking about what we're really communicating.

So what's wrong with this phrase? It's probably really easy to see once you think about it. Saying something like "that was deliciously sinful" or "this triple-chocolate truffle cake MUST be wicked" makes it sound like all things that are pleasing to the senses are wrong. Something that tastes so amazing CAN'T be morally right to enjoy. (Sarcasm. . . .)

This is obviously silly. We know that every good and perfect gift comes down from the Father of lights - not just spiritually good things, but physically good things. But somewhere in our hearts, we sometimes still feel guilty (or feel like we should feel guilty) for enjoying the good things that God has given us - and yes, that includes a triple-chocolate truffle cake (if such a thing exists; sounds yummy, doesn't it?).

I don't want to beat a dead horse, so in conclusion: Enjoy the delicious things that you have, and the fun games and the beautiful days, and make it even better by giving the credit to the right Person - the One Who made all those good things for us.

I Think There Was Caffeine in That. . . .

2012-01-13T19:22:00.000-08:00

So I was thinking about starting a new blog that was not about my life, but was a realistic story about SOMEONE's life from their perspective. I wrote one post and then I nixed the idea. I'm just not good at coming up with interesting things about real life and things nowadays. I prefer something more fantastical. But the idea is still lingering. Maybe something more Sci-fi though. . . . If I do, I'll probably let all of my (four? three?) readers know.

I miss other people's blogs. Mike used to blog. Mom only did it once. :/ Dave used to write about his life. That could get long-winded, but I felt informed. Of course, he calls me now, so that's all good. :) Zack was blogging for a little while, but he hasn't done that in well over a year. (I know because the last post was like three-five months before we got married [I think] and we've almost been married for a year.)

Speaking of which, we've been married for almost a year! =D That's pretty cool. It's also weird. Sometimes I wonder when the "newlywed" feeling is going to go away. Or if it only goes away if things get hard. Or when you start having kids. Or what exactly. I don't know. I know that sometimes I feel like an old married couple, and sometimes I feel like it's been a few months.

I think part of that is that the passing of time is all mixed up for me right now due to the lack of seasons in CaliLand. There are only two. . . . How am I ever supposed to feel like it's been a year when we've only had two seasons? Or maybe, I'll just know that time is passing because "Summer is here again already!?" ;) Hehe. I always have great ambitions to get tan and then it gets hot and I spend all my time inside and out of the sun as much as possible.

On the up side, we don't have a water bill at our apartment so I can cool off in the shower as much as I want. I'm also already trying to come up with cute/nice ways to keep my hair up all summer so I don't end up chopping it off again. I would like to grow it out for the cooler months, but my hair doesn't grow fast enough for that to work unless I can make it through at least one summer. We'll see if I can make it this year. I'm betting I won't. Hahaha.

Also, I like losing weight. It makes me happy. I feel better and it makes me want to move so that it doesn't come back. I lost some weight over the holidays (weird, right? Not really, I had the flu) and I SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO want it not to come back. So I think I'm going to start working out again - something I should have already been doing. There's a treadmill in the common room of the apartment complex. I should really start making use of it. I don't need a jogging buddy if I'm on the treadmill.

Anyway. Lots of random things this time.

2012

2012-01-09T16:55:00.001-08:00

There's been a lot of talk about this year. The end of the Mayan calendar, there was an end-of-the-world movie named "2012," and then there's just all the talk about the collapse of the US and all the emphasis being put on this year's election.

I get some of it. I mean, it's fun to think about the future and it's fun to think about the way things might go and try to predict things and make contingency plans. I enjoy doing that. I even enjoy doing it for things that are ridiculous. But I don't really think that things are that imminent or that bad. I'm not going to say they definitely aren't. I just don't think that things are going to go anywhere close to the way people have talked about them going.

So first up: The End Of the World vs. The Collapse of the USA
With the eschatological beliefs that I have, the end of the world can't happen this year. The end of the US? Eh, maybe. So what's the proper take to all of this? Let's say that the US does go down the drain, that there are (as I've heard some people say there could be) droves of vagabonds pillaging and thieving because now there's no societal system to hold them accountable. What do I do?

I do the same thing I should have been doing my whole life; I do the same thing that Christians are always supposed to do. I go to God. If I were a poor person on the street today with nothing, no food, no home - what would I do? I would pray. I would try to find work to earn something for myself. I would ask people for help. Why does the fact that the nation might go poof change anything that we would do? Why does the idea of the nation dissolving make people think that the place God has them now will suddenly NOT be the place He'll want them afterward?

There's absolutely no reason to think that way. Because I think that if I go home, there's a better chance of surviving because there's open land to farm in MI? Since when does "better chance of surviving" factor into it? There's a guaranteed "chance" of survival if you are where God wants you to be - as long as God wants you to be alive.

Next: The Elections and Their Place in this
I will vote for the guy I think is best for the country. I think Ron Paul is the only one who has a chance. But I have a hard time thinking that any ONE guy can get an entire NATION of people out of debt. And if the nation fails, oh well. America is NOT my home - and that's not unpatriotic. That's Christianity. I will seek the best for her, but if she dies, that's not a huge loss in my book. America doesn't have a soul.

Last, I'm not trying to downplay anybody's concerns or scold people for being concerned. But there comes a point where it just doesn't matter. It doesn't do any good to think about moving or think about spending money on food for later when you're hardly paying the bills now. God isn't going to just hang you out to dry. If the US goes back to the stone-age, God is going to be just as much with the Christians who were prepared and waiting for it to happen as He is with the ones who never gave it two thoughts.

So just do what you think is right, and don't worry about the rest. I read a thing the other day that made the argument that the Devil is most pleased when Christians are focused on the Future, instead of the Present.

December Without Snow

2011-12-19T14:11:00.000-08:00

It has been a while now. I don't really have a topic, so this might be a bit on the "stream of consciousness" side of things.

A few things that have been going on: Christmas is coming with all the stuff that means. I've never had to think about making goodies or sending cards before. Not that I've made any goodies, but I did go buy some Christmas cards this morning. I was thinking about making some cookies. Without chocolate chips. Mwahahahaha! ;) (Saves money!)

This Christmas is my first in many categories. My first not at home, my first after being married, my first in the springlike CaliLand. I'm excited. We're celebrating on Thursday which is only three days away! Whooo!!!! We bought a large portion of ham for Christmas Eve dinner. :) I'm not sure what to make with it yet. I bought Zack a mango; he bought me icecream. Hehe. (I'm pretty sure he's going to eat some of it, too. . . )

I love Christmas; I like Christmas cards, I like Christmas caroling; I like Christmas lights, trees, presents, food, even the guys that stand in front of the stores ringing the bells. I especially love Christmas morning when it's really dark except for the Christmas lights and the candles, we get snuggled up on the couch, listening to the Christmas story (I like Luke 2 a lot, but one year Dad read the beginning of Hebrews - it was really good, too.) with bleary eyes and lots of yawns.

In other news, I did NaNoWriMo again this year and again wrote 50k words and finished a story. It was sad and horrible and I hated it. Haha. BUT, something good may have come of it, because the winners get 5 free copies of a manuscript (just have to pay for shipping). The only question is whether or not it has to be what I wrote for THIS Nano. . . . and if there is anyway for them to know if I'm using a different manuscript.

So right now, I have two options. Write like crazy to finish my book before March, send it out for people to read and help edit, and get it "published" in May and have five copies. OR, I can use last year's NaNo (which is a thousand times better than this year's ). That option is a lot less work - that's for sure. That is, if I don't have to use the one I wrote this year - because I wouldn't want five copies of that anywhere, not even in my basement (if I had a basement).

And that, for the time being, is my life. Most things are on hiatus for Christmas.

Merry Christmas - and in case this is the last one for a while again - Happy New Year!!! =D

Devil's Advocate

2011-10-25T23:04:00.001-07:00

I was going through old blogs and found this one and wondered why I'd never posted it. I think maybe I was a little too fired up at the time and thought I shouldn't. Since I can't remember what sparked it's being written though, I feel safe enough in posting it now.

Why do people play Devil's advocate? With a name like that, why would you even want to? The Devil needs help now? He's not persecuting God's people well enough on his own? We have an Advocate, Jesus Christ the Righteous. I don't want to play that kind of part for the Devil. I don't want to get anywhere NEAR it. Now, obviously, I know that people don't mean the phrase that seriously. But things are usually called what they're called for a reason.

Observation: All the people I can think of that I know to play Devil's advocate tend to be the same type of person. Egotistical males (by their own admission) who think that they know more than others and that it is their responsibility to test, try and prove other Christians with their knowledge. (My experience is very limited, but that's what it has been.) This raises many flags in my mind - flags, not condemnation.

So what's the point of Devil's Advocate, and is it really the best way to reach your desired goal? (I give the benefit of the doubt here and presume their goal to be helping other believers.) Or is it a not-so-great way to do things except in very particular circumstances, even potentially damaging to those same people you say you're trying to help?

It seems like there are a few reasons for playing Devil's advocate. One, it allows you to argue and be on opposite sides instead of working together. Two, it allows you to be much harsher on someone's beliefs. You can scornfully question an answer the other person offers and tear it to pieces if you're on opposite sides of a debate. Three, it's a great way to show off just how much you know. If you can tear apart Johnny's (I use Johnny 'cause I don't know any) argument while knowing the right way to answer all of your own questions, boy howdy, you must be a genius! (Please note the sarcasm.)

My argument against playing Devil's advocate:

1) We're Christians. All things are supposed to be done in love. "Be ye wise as serpents and harmless as doves." How often is playing Devil's Advocate being harmless as a dove? I would submit, very rarely. Usually the person who plays Devil's Advocate is one of the smarter people in the room, and probably everyone else respects their opinion. When they start tearing down beliefs that often aren't well-founded to begin with, serious questioning takes place within the person who is being . . . well, grilled. It's not very nice to try to destroy someone's, as far as you can tell, correct beliefs before they've had a chance to really even believe them. Especially if that person looks up to you.

I suggest a different approach. Either teach them or come along side them. Be their advocate; offer to be a sounding board. Ask questions in a constructive way, not a destructive way. Don't debate, suggest. Point out inconsistencies with thoughtfulness, not "Haha! Now your argument is destroyed!"

2) People don't like other people to know that they're playing Devil's Advocate. . . . Why, I don't really get. Probably because as soon as you say, "I'm doing this," then all of a sudden it's less intense. Which makes it seem like the whole point of playing it, is not to help people but because you like the pressure, the atmosphere of a debate. Honestly, I think this is why it bothers me. Christians don't know how to come along side and help others with beliefs. They know how to teach and they know how to argue. There is another way, but it requires a more listening and less talking.

It's just deceptive. I'm going to pretend to disagree with you, I'm going to tear apart all of your arguments as much as I can, and then at the end I'm going to say, "I was just messing around; I totally believe the same thing you do."

Really? And it was all for my benefit? I feel so special that you deceived me and tore apart my mental processes with such gusto. . . .

Nah. Secretive Devil's advocate is way worse than just presenting opposition. Sharp opposition when you're trying to settle things in your head is hard enough, but when you find out afterward that they don't even believe what they were arguing? It's much worse. It feels like a betrayal.

Addendum: I understand that for some people having a person, someone they respect, play the opposing side might be helpful. In fact, it might be exactly what they need in order to work things through in their head. My problem is when the person doing the opposing just decides to do it without anyone knowing, without anyone asking, really without taking into account who they're doing it to. They just decide to test whoever they feel like.

Which brings me to point, 3) It's really presumptive. These people need their faith tested, their beliefs challenged. I'm just the person to do it! It's up to ME to make sure that they know everything they believe and know exactly why they believe it.

And what if you "challenge" their beliefs so well that then they don't know what to believe? Good job; you gave the Devil a point on that round. Did your advocate thing a little too well. Playing Devil's advocate is like tossing around a stumbling-block. Like a ball, you throw it up and try to catch it again every time you argue with someone. And occasionally, you miss and they trip, and it's your fault.

There's got to be better way.

Another Debate

2011-10-19T12:36:00.000-07:00

So I wasn't planning on making this a thing I do, but after listening to only part of another GOP debate, I feel like writing some more. (I did watch the whole thing; I just wrote things down while watching it.)

Anderson Cooper: I was surprised to see him as the moderator. I don't think he was really cut out for it. He did a poor job of keeping any kind of order; people were jumping in all over the place, and he interrupted quite a lot with his own snide remarks. He also seemed to be gunning for certain people, giving some people all the time they wanted and cutting other people off.

Perry: Most of the time, I can't stand him. He comes across as so artificial and actually not very informed. But I gotta give him credit for taking on Romney on immigration, even though I think he got skewered with it just as bad. I would be thrilled if he could keep throwing doubts on Romney and take himself out of it as well. I think he may have ended up making Romney look better though by the end of it. :/

Cain: His plan got hammered at the beginning! I was really happy to hear him talk about something other then 9-9-9 when the healthcare thing came up. He gets points for owning up to his former position on TARP in my opinion. He seems like a very up-front person, but he also seems to have a hard time getting across what he's trying to. Thankfully for him, most people don't seem to care if you can explain it, as long as it works.

Paul: He did really well with the Latino question, and I'm glad he had more of a chance to talk later on. I'm not sure that I completely agree with him on the March on Wall Street thing . . . . But that's probably because I'm not sure how things work. It seems to me though that if President Obama was the one that sanctioned what the FED was dong, then some of those people are definitely at fault, because they voted for him. If the FED did it all themselves, without help from the administration, then Paul is right. I just don't know which one it is.

Bachmann: She did WAY better this time, in my opinion. I don't know if it's actually seeing and hearing her, or what, but I liked her a lot more this time around. I thought her appeal to moms was a little weird. That didn't seem like a debate forum thing, but whatever. I also think she's advertising for herself a little too hard.

Santorum: I didn't like that he got so fired up with Romney. Saying Romney was out of time was not a good thing; that wasn't his job. I think he'd have done better if he'd kept his cool, but he obviously has a big problem with Romney's less-than-open approach, which I have to agree with. He did a really good job emphasizing family with the Latino question - I would bet that he would get a lot of Latino votes for that because of his references to family and faith (and his being a Catholic). I think he has a problem with referring to the other candidates specifically though. I don't know if he's doing it on purpose or what, but I think he'd serve himself better to answer questions in the positive (I would do X) rather than the negative (They brought this on us).

Gingrich: I love how he called out Romney about Romney not getting that idea from him. That was great. Also, his address to the Latino community was very well done. I really liked his answer to the faith/religion question. I think he did slightly better with it than Santorum even. I also think he did better in this debate than the last one.

Romney: The more I hear about him, the worse he seems. I think the only reason he could get anywhere is because he's really the only one with charisma. He's got the salt-and-pepper hair, a good voice, it takes a lot to get him upset, and he has the ability to make himself look like the one who's been wronged. And he's a politician - he can speak well without saying much but sounding like he knows exactly what he's talking about.

Overall: The only two people that I really, really, really don't want to see win it are Romney and Perry.

Politics

2011-10-12T15:42:00.000-07:00

There was a debate recently amongst the Republican Candidates that I would have known nothing about had my brother not posted something about it on Facebook. But he did, and I had time and I took the opportunity to read the transcript from said debate. There were a few things that struck me from the debate itself and from a few articles about the debate. Most of these people I know nothing about other than what I can remember from listening to the debate, so bear with me. I may be way off on things.

The moderating job didn't seem to be done very well. The guy even forgot that Romney came before Santorum. Thankfully, Santorum caught it and passed the spotlight to Romney, but Romney had to rub the poor PBS guy's face in it a little before continuing.

The winners and the losers seem to be determined by who got to talk the most. In the context of Proverbs, this bothers me. Romney did a lot of talking; he seems popular; from what was written, he seemed to have the easiest time communicating his ideas and thoughts - other people seemed to stumble around for words a bit - and from what I read today, he doesn't seem like he'd be terrible for our economy. However, he did a lot of talking, and I find that I can't sum him up at all. There's nothing I can say, "He is definitely for (or against) X." That makes him seem very much a politician and that makes me not trust him.

Santorum is for family. That was obvious when he said, "Families that have two- that have a husband and a wife working. . . ." He didn't want to say families that have two "parents." I wished he'd said more without mentioning Cain. He also seemed to be for cutting taxes, which sounds good to little ole me.

Ron Paul (It seems weird if I just called him Paul. . . .) seems very informed and unpopular to the point of everyone paying attention knowing that he's the "unmentionable guy." He gets included in appearance but he's not in the In Crowd. I can't remember anyone asking him a question; he got lumped in with the "Winners" by virtue of asking worthy questions; and basically was ignored (as far as I saw) in the reports on the debate. He was also the only person mentioned in the fact-checkers article that didn't say anything wrong (unlike Santorum, Romney, Cain, Perry, Bachmann, and Huntsman), if you trust the people who wrote the article.

I'd never seen Cain, nor heard him speak before, but I was very turned off to him. He had one tune, and he didn't seem to understand it very well. He seemed to want simplicity in a complex situation, and I don't think he's going to find it. I was a little surprised about him, because I'd heard a lot of talk about him, and he was nothing like what I expected. He was nit-picky and overall didn't seem very gracious. The question wasn't about the morality of beer as opposed to pizza; it was about taxing food.

In my opinion, Bachmann should get out of it. I think she's a smart, classy lady, but she didn't seem to have very much ability to say what she wanted to. She was difficult to understand and she went back and forth from being, "I'm a mother of 28" to "I'm a lawyer." On the one hand, she seemed almost too down to earth, and on the other hand she struck me as being very legally minded. Maybe it was an off day for her or maybe I just didn't get her. I don't know.

Huntsman didn't seem to be taking it seriously and therefore, I found it hard to take him seriously. He also totally spaced on the point of how (I think it was Romney) wanted to repeal Obamacare and how that worked. I liked how Santorum jumped in and explained it for him. Hehehehe.

Gingrich didn't seem to be there for himself. He seemed to be there to say, "Yeah, he's right about that. You've got that right, Bachmann. Listen to so-and-so." It was slightly confusing, and yet refreshing. He didn't seem to make any overtures for his own bid, rather boosting other candidates that he thought were correct, as well as taking shots at people like Bernanke. He seemed more interested in making sure that the people listening were getting correct information than trying to market himself. I liked it.

Perry also seemed to get a lot of talking in without saying much. He seemed focused on getting a good leader for the country, but he didn't want to share his plan for the country - which made him not seem like a leader. There were a couple of other red flags that come up with him that made me think twice.

Overall, I like Santorum for his graciousness and Ron Paul for his very "this is the way it is" take on things. I dislike Cain and Romney makes me wary, though Perry worries me even more. Gingrich, Huntsman, and Bachmann I have a hard time thinking that they're really going to do much.

Life with God is Exciting

2011-09-29T12:36:00.001-07:00

It really is. We've been going through Esther in our Ladies' Bible Study recently and it's been very cool. Normally, I'm not a big fan of Esther. I like how well it shows that God is in control, but I don't really identify with any of the characters and I don't like the lack of mention of any people who are definitely "the good guy."

Now, as a rabbit trail, let me say, I hope that Esther and Mordecai were true Jews and spiritual children of Abraham as well as physical ones; but I don't see any definite evidence of that, as everyone who's paid attention knows there is no mention of God, prayer, or anything else that would lead to that.

Back to my point though, life with God is seeing growing bills and shrinking paychecks and waiting with wonder at how God is going to save us. What Esther (no matter what her spiritual beliefs were) is He putting up to deliver His people? What or who is He going to use next to get us through another week, another month, the next year?

And that's exciting. It's like a beautiful, lazy summer evening spent with family and friends, sitting out on the lawn looking up at the sky waiting for the fireworks to start. Or sitting at the airport waiting for the plane to land so you can see your beloved again.

There is the other side to it though, the harder side. What am I trying to hold onto? What worry do I have that nags me? What thing am I wondering, "What do I do, what do I do" about?

I've had a few of those recently, and it's really hard to really give things over to God and say, "I don't want to keep trying to grab it. I can't hold it up; I can't fix it; I don't even know how to try to fix it. But I don't want to make it worse by hanging on. I don't want to make it worse by worrying and filling myself with anxiety until I finally do something stupid out of desperation." It's an interesting thing - giving it up is a lighter weight than carrying it around; but it's a harder thing to do sometimes.

Anyway. Life is exciting. It's rough and it hurts and it's long; but God is gentle. He binds up the broken-hearted and He gives rest to the weary. And it's exciting to see how He works.

As Long As They're Healthy

2011-09-27T11:06:00.000-07:00

"Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?"
"Oh, I don't care. I'll be happy as long as they're healthy."

I think these words get a sort of silent kudos. "Well good for them. They're not going to be disappointed because of the gender of their child. Good for them, they're not being sexist." But that's only one side of what it's saying.

I wonder how many people have said these words, heard these words, anticipated saying them once they got pregnant. I also wonder how many have actually thought about what the words are saying on the flip side.

The flip side is, am I not suggesting that I won't be pleased with them if they're unhealthy? That I might possibly love them less because they're going to make my life even more difficult? That it's hard enough getting up x amount of times in the night without having to deal with some other problem? That we hardly have the money to deal with a normal birth without having to worry about a day spent in NICU? Will we bemoan the events that brought a less-than-perfect child into our lives as our responsibility?

I'm not saying it's wrong to wish good health to your baby - we pray for it all the time, and I fully believe it's a good thing. We don't wish ill on people. But you wouldn't say, "As long as it's a boy" if you want a boy. You might pray for a boy, but you wouldn't hang your happiness on it. So why would you say, "As long as they're healthy?"

Is God's arm too short to help us with the physical or mental care of a child? More, did God say of us, "As long as they're healthy?" Has God not chosen the weak things of the world to confound the mighty? Hasn't He used a myriad of people that were not perfectly healthy or perfectly formed?

I wonder about these things because I know people who are in the process of adopting. And in that process, they get asked, "Will you take a child with special needs? Will you accept blindness, deafness, cerebral palsy, autism, etc. etc.?" Would you? Would I? Or do we only want the healthy ones? Are they no longer blessings if they're not healthy?

If God gives me a blind baby, dare I be disappointed with the gift that the Master Potter has formed for me? Dare I say, "Why hast Thou made them thus?"

Just something to think about.

As to the Lord

2011-09-13T16:51:00.000-07:00

Been thinking a lot recently about my attitude in life and why I do things and the main reason why I complain about having to do things. Mostly, I've been thinking about Colossians 3:23, a well-known verse. "And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily as to the Lord, and not unto men."

Why do I clean the church? I don't like cleaning. It's nice that it gives us some extra money, but that's not enough for me to be HAPPY about cleaning the church. But I can reason, it's the church building, we don't have a lot to give financially; this is something I can do. I can give some of my time, if not more money, to help the running of the church go smoothly.

Okay, so what about cleaning our apartment? What about putting time into making healthy and yummy dinners? What about when my husband, as he did today, asks me to do something that I really don't want to do? What about when someone asks me to babysit or house-sit or whatnot? I can come up with reasons to do it all, but none of those apply to making me HAPPY to do them. They just get me through it. Normally, I take the approach of giving myself a guilt trip until I stop complaining about it because I know, "It's the right thing to do" and "I need to be a friend" and "I don't have anything better to do at that time."

The only way I clean the church with a happy heart is when it's for God. The only way I gladly answer the phone when my husband asks is when it's because, in submitting to Zack, I'm submitting to God. The only way I look forward to doing the laundry is when I'm thinking that in doing such a menial household task, I'm able to do part of what God wants of me in taking care of my husband.

The interesting part is that if I don't think about why I'm doing things, I'm automatically doing them for me. I clean the church for the money; I clean the apartment so I can stand to live in it; I do the laundry because I'm out of clothes. It's all about me unless I purpose to do it with God in mind and for His glory, so that I can do it happily in the hopes that someone will notice a difference and ask "How??" And then I can answer honestly that it's because it's not for me; it's the daily worship I can give to my God.

It's been harder than normal lately. I'm not sure why exactly.

Randomly, a little girl came to the door the other day, handed me a paper and said, "This is about God and the number three." I smiled at such unexpected words, thanked her, and then we said "bye" to each other. I opened the paper up which was addressed to "You Guys" and it said: Jesus is Awesome!

It was a little thing but it made me very happy. :)

Friendship and Encouragement

2011-08-25T12:59:00.001-07:00

I'm not good at making friends. Partly because I've never needed to (I had family); partly because I just don't get it. How do two people who just don't have that ground layer of really enjoying each other's presence ever have a real friendship? Oh, sure, we can get along and talk to each other and even have good times, but they're never the go-to person; they're never the friend that you tell your secrets to. They're a "going shopping with them or without them doesn't change the enjoyment level of the shopping" type of friend. Then there's people like my mom, where shopping is a hundred times better with her.

Maybe I just expect too much from friendships and want them to all be deeper than many can be; maybe my definition of real friendship is too narrow. I'm not sure.

More and more though, I'm desiring to be an encouragement to people. But I don't know how to be. I don't know how to talk to people I don't know. I don't know how to START friendships, although, I THINK I'm okay at keeping them going.

So, the question is, how can I either learn how to make friends, or be an encouragement without being a close friend to someone? I feel like I'm an easy person to get to know - as long as someone is asking me questions. Or through something that's not actually directed at them - like this blog, for instance. But people don't just want to get to know me, haha. Why would they? So how do I learn to initiate?

Obviously, it's something I need to start praying about. But it's also something that I'm very open to suggestions about. So if you have any, please share.

Of All Men Most Miserable

2011-08-18T11:27:00.000-07:00

This is a topic that has been on my heart and mind for some time. I read the verse today in my daily Bible reading and it struck me again. After some consideration, I decided it was an opportune time to blog about it.

The phrase above is found in I Corinthians 15 in which Paul is making his defense for the resurrection. To sum up (because I'm sure all my regular readers know it very well), he says that if there is no resurrection, Christ is still dead, and we have no future hope; if Christ is dead, we are living our lives to serve a god that doesn't exist, and once we're dead, there's nothing more. Serving someone who doesn't exist with no hope of reward for it = most miserable.

I've heard this phrase applied to other things, and I've come to believe it is a gross misapplication that elevates something to the same height of importance as whether or not Christ is still dead (and therefore, whether or not He is God, and whether or not God exists at all). For the most part, I've heard this phrase applied to the argument for the KJV that if we do not have the exact words of God, we are of all men most miserable.

So I ask you, of those tribes around the world who have no Bible in their possession because there is no Bible in their language or because of lack of sufficient funding to buy such a Bible, are they of all men most miserable? They have no written word of God, but due to the work of the Holy Spirit, they've become children of God. Children of God are of all men most miserable???

No. Resoundingly, no. It is a saddening thought to me that someone would elevate the earthly possession of a thing to the same height as whether or not Christ is alive.

Whether or not I own a Bible, have the opportunity to own a Bible, or any other detail about the Bible - even if I thought my Bible were FULL of errors (which I don't) - it STILL would not effect my salvation and therefore, it CANNOT be so weighty a matter as make me of all men most miserable.

Now some could argue that if we don't KNOW that we have the exact words of God, that therefore we can't KNOW that Christ is risen. Guess what. We weren't there to witness it; we can't KNOW, and yet, we know. By faith. In our fallen selves, we can't KNOW any of it is true anyway. In our fallen nature, there is no reason to believe that Christ is alive - resurrection from the dead? What are you, crazy?

Yet we know. Why? We've been changed! Owning a Bible does not make a person's faith stronger. It just doesn't. You don't get suddenly more Christlike by having a Bible in your home. The Bible is a wonderful, wonderful gift. It is not on par with Christ's death. Without Christ's death, the Bible would be useless. But even without the Bible, Christ's death is NEVER useless because that's not the only means of spreading the Good News!

If all we had were verbal traditions passed down from generation to generation of what happened, do you think that people couldn't get saved? Sure they could. Why? Because the written word is not necessary. How can I say that? Because there wasn't one in Corinth when Paul went there and shared The Word with the people. But God had much people in that city, thus, they were saved!

In conclusion, saying that we need SPECIFIC information in order to know a thing is bizarre. That's like saying I can't know how old I am if I've never seen a calendar. There are seasons! Much more generalized things, but they still keep time very well.

Please don't misunderstand my feelings and very high regard for the Bible. The Bible is precious and it's full of information and wisdom and exhortation. It is beautiful and lovely and deep and a very useful gift from God. However, it is NOT as lovely as the reality of what happened. Christ came, lived, died, and rose again. Without THAT, I am most miserable.

Trying to Discover the Truth About Healthy LIving

2011-08-15T11:46:00.000-07:00

Due to some friends and family being suddenly (or just perhaps just more vocally) aware of what they're eating, I've become more aware of it. I've read warnings and informational blogs, watched videos, and done more reading. I find it interesting, but I'm by no means studied on the subject.

At first, I was very skeptical. Partly because I was raised that way. We ate hot pockets and TV dinners and hotdogs and ramen noodle soup. (Not most of the time or anything; they were just present in the house and there was rarelyanything against them. In fact, I liked quite a few of them quite a lot.)

Eventually, I decided that it was something I had to make up my own mind about and started taking things a bit more seriously. Since I'm now the one buying the groceries, I'm the one responsible for whether or not we're eating healthy or not. Nothing like the weight of responsibility to force you to look into something.

My problem with this whole topic is not an unfamiliar one. The problem is that whoever I listen to, I'm listening to someone and really know nothing myself. It's all, "I heard" or "I read." It's never, "I know because I've seen, because I've done the math, because I know the chemistry." This is a problem because different people say different things; who do I trust? Some people say, "Don't eat butter; it's fattening and bad." Other people say, "No, no, BUTTER is fine; it has good fats; it's margarine you shouldn't eat."

So is butter bad or good? Are the extra calories in one thing that has good fat worth eating it? Or do you eat the fewer calories and bad fat?

Seriously.

And then there's the thing about microwaves. I've heard multiple times that they're bad, bad, bad and should never be used for anything. They change the molecular structure of your food and it takes all the nutrients out. (No one ever mentions where exactly the nutrients go. . . They dissipate I guess?? Do we breath them later then?) Microwaves are apparently extraordinarily powerful; if only like in "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" we could get a microwave to change non-food into food, rather than the other way around.

But here's my question. . . . Microwaves do not change the taste or aroma of the food, so how much is it actually doing to the food? If I microwave something for ten seconds, does only part of it change and the rest is okay? When it's really hot, is that how I know that it's now nutrient-free? I have a difficult time thinking that one second in the microwave and the food is no longer food. Presto change-o! Why? Well, that sounds an awful lot like magic, and a lot less like technology.

Change takes time. Even powerful radiation takes time. People don't contract radiation poisoning immediately if they enter a contaminated area. They have to be exposed for a certain amount of time, depending on their circumstances. The longer the time and the higher the radiation, the more severe the case. But what is that time with a microwave? (And you'd probably have to know for each power of microwave. For instance, ours is only 700 watts; we can't microwave a lot of things because they require 1200 or 1500.)

I'm not a health nut. I like icecream in specific and desserts in general way too much to be a health nut, not to mention Chinese food. . . . (Orange chicken - Mmmmmmmmm.) But that doesn't mean I don't want to be healthy. In fact, I think I have one up on a lot of people because I've always loved fruits and since hitting my late teens have developed a taste for a variety of vegetables.

However, I see a lot of gaps in the arguments that are made against certain things. They seem to be all or none. "That food is evil1 NEVER partake! NEVER drink soda; if it's regular it uses corn syrup; if it's diet, it uses Aspartame." Really? I can't ever drink a glass of Root Beer? Or even on a lesser side, which one is better of the two? If I need some caffeine because I'm going to be driving and there was no way around it, what's better to buy, the diet pepsi? or the regular?

These are the things I'm more interested in, but they seem to be the things that no one is addressing. Instead, it seems to come in the extremes of never and always.

And it makes me wonder. Is it worth looking for the answers? Is it worth spending the extra money for organic milk? (It's double the price. . . That's not a small change, especially on a tight budget.) Does it really matter if I eat butter or margarine, since really I don't eat it that much anyway? Honestly, if it were just me, I wouldn't change it because I eat so little of the stuff. But Zack eats it, too.

I know people who'd say no, don't worry about it. And I know people who'd say yes. The problem is, I'm not sure which one I am. And the people I know who'd say "no" have a lot of health problems that the people who say "yes" say their way can help with. . . . I don't want to be on daily doses of drugs when I'm forty. I really don't. If eating differently can keep me off medication? That's something I'm very interested in.

Why Get Depressed?

2011-07-24T14:20:00.000-07:00

The above has been a topic of some confusion and speculation that I've heard on different occasions. Why have so many preachers and missionaries struggle so much with depression? What are their reasons? What brought it about?

I offer two possiblities, two reasons why people who are closer to God might be drawn into depression - and not because of bad things. It's kind of interesting: Our sin nature can twist all the good things God made and use them for evil; but God can always straighten them out again and use them for good. But that's a different topic.

1) They took sin seriously. Look at the Apostle Paul, how much he hated what he had been, and the many things he said about himself. Chief of sinners, wretched man. I believe that the closer people are to God, the more seriously they take sin, the more they understand just how awful it is - the more they see it the same way that God does. They see themselves more clearly and therefore, they see more sin within their lives, and they see sin as far more terrible a thing than most. The world downplays sin, says it's not evil, laughs it off or even applauds it. Sadly, Christians have a tendency to become calloused to sin, and the only remedy I can see is a close relationship with God. Walking with Him makes a person see things more and more as they are and less and less with the blindfold of a sinner's eyes. As they draw closer to God, the Light of the world illuminates and the scales fall away.

Whether this applies to their personal lives and failures or frustration with their ministries and the lack of commitment from those around them or the flippancy with which sin is treated in the world and in the church, is irrelevant. The point is that when we see things as they are, it's easy to be overcome with the extent of depravity and fall into depression. For Martin Luther, a man who possessed a very sensitive conscience, this was a struggle.

2) They loved God. Consider, if you will, that feeling of absolute joy and gratitude that filled your heart when you first believed. Consider the happiness and the flood of love that was so overwhelming and think about how much that love spurred you to want to give your all for the Christ Who saved you. Now He gives you a task and you're excited because you're loving Him with all your heart and strength and mind. And you reach out to do that task. . . and you fail utterly. You think of the disappointment you've just caused Your Father; you mull over the great price that had to be paid for that failure; you consider how grieved the Spirit is, how much you have (or could have) hurt those around you, those other ones who are precious to the Savior, how your action or inaction has brought shame to the body of Christ and pulled down the work of God.

Inevitably, you grieve. You confess. But there is a danger. Not with the grieving, I don't think. Being sorry, truly, deeply repentant, is good. Grief can cause determination. Grief can lead to a closer walk with God, a better rein on the sin nature, a more prayerful life, a better attitude in service. Real, true repentance followed by the joy of God's forgiveness is the initial burst of flame that ignites a Christian's heart in the first place. Holding your failures in front of your eyes is a good reminder to be watchful, to be careful not to think that you stand on your own - to remember that it's through Christ's strength and by God's will that we do this or that.

But that danger I mentioned comes, I believe, from the inability to accept God's forgiveness when asking for it, when confessing, when grieving for the sin. It becomes, "Depart from me, for I am a sinful man, O Lord!" Instead of drawing nearer to God in the warmth of forgiveness and the renewed state of fellowship, the rift remains because we feel unworthy or because we feel defeated. Then, the lack of fellowship sends us into a spiral of depression. Depression debilitates and leads to apathy.

And those, I think, are two reasons why people who are close to God, who we might think should not have a problem with such things, could very easily struggle with depression. Men who are outwardly successful in their ministries, men that we look at and admire for all they accomplished for the glory of God. It is interesting that no matter how close we get in our relationship to God on this earth, that there is always a level for sin to enter in. The Christian who is far from God and close to the world may experience the sin of apathy and a flippant attitude toward sin; the Christian who is striving to serve God with all they are falls prey to the sin of depression because they hate themselves for failing.

We are never safe in this world, but something was very simplified for me in church this morning. I knew it, but not like this, not this clearly, and I certainly had never realized that Christ had said it. And I, being a lover of simplicity, found it quite a lovely thought.

"If ye continue in My Word, then are ye My disciples indeed; and ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." - John 8:31-32 What I hadn't realized before in this way was that continuing in the Word is what reveals the truth, which is what makes us free. In other words, when we stray, we fall. When we follow, we're free.

How simply Christ said things. How complicated we sometimes make it.

Just a Thought

2011-06-25T10:52:00.000-07:00

I find it interesting that I feel the need to pray most often while I'm reading the Bible. . . . Usually right smack dab in the middle of a chapter/section, which tends to bother my obsessive compulsiveness. . . . And that's just one more thing I have to submit. Maybe it's God telling me that I'm not being flexible enough in other areas either. That my OC behavior is getting out of control.

This has happened many times (the feeling that I need to pray NOW while in the middle of reading), but I've never really thought about why.

Another thought: I was in a book study back in Michigan and we talked a lot about prayer and Bible reading and how important it is to do it regularly, and keep your mind focused on what you're doing and not let it wander. To a degree, I agree. But isn't prayer a conversation? And pretty much a one-sided one? If prayer is a conversation, then why can't you talk about whatever pops into your head? Why does prayer have to be so structured? The Psalms aren't structured like that. They go back and forth and here and there. They ask questions; the writer addresses themselves and God in the same breath.

I go off on rabbit trails when I'm talking to Zack. Why is it wrong to go off on rabbit trails when talking to God? Are there things I'm not allowed to bring up to Him? That's a ridiculous thought.

I wonder these things because it seems like people want to put rules on praying, and I don't know why. Because we're to reverence Him? But we're also supposed to be able to climb into His lap and say, "Hi, Daddy." And you can do both at the same time. Do you realize that little children speak to their parents in a very scattered way? They'll talk about what they did two minutes ago and then what they did five days ago without a pause. How is it wrong if we do that with God?

Praying is difficult enough for me. Most of the time, I'm not a big talker - with anyone. There are days, of course, where I won't shut up, but most of the time, I don't say a whole lot - I'm a listener. I think this is why reading the Bible is so much easier for me. I love reading the Bible. It's God talking to me. That's why I love hearing preachers - there's something in the message God wants me to hear, for now or something that will get lodged in my brain and come up later.

Basically, I don't think there's anything wrong with letting your mind think about different things, as long as your focus is on communicating with God.

In case it's not clear what I'm talking about, I'll give this example: Women have the tendency of thinking about several different things at once, which means while I'm reading my book, I'm thinking about what I'm going to make for dinner, and when I'm going to sweep the floor, and how warm/cold it's going to be so I can pick an outfit for church tomorrow. Some would say that praying while thinking about all those things is wrong, or at least, improper - not best.

I disagree. Because that means that I can't talk to God about what I'm going to make for dinner and I can't wonder to Him what the weather is going to be like. It's not like God can't keep up with all of my thoughts, like Zack might get lost if I spouted all that one after the other. If I could think a thousand things at once, then He can hear them all too and follow without any issue. So if I'm praying for God to heal someone who's ill and thinking about my daily chores and what I need to do next, I don't think there's a problem. After all, what better Person is there to ask for help in arranging the order of my day so that it's the most efficient? Who else can give me the idea of what to wear because He knows exactly what the temperature is going to be and how I'm going to feel in it? If I can pray for my friend and pray for myself in the same moment (or very close to it), does that make either prayer mean less? Do you have to spend a certain amount of time praying/thinking about a subject for it to be fervent? Is it bad to pray in a short sentence for something pray about three other things and then come back to it? Don't we speak that way all the time?

Here's another question: Does prayer have to be in words, thought or spoken? From Romans 8, I tend to think no. Which means that while I've been typing this and not really had the proper brain power to word a prayer, have I actually, in my heart, been praying for my brother who needs a job, because he's been in my thoughts and on my heart the entire time? Does that count? What constitutes prayer? If you can pray and drive, can you pray and type? How much of your brain/emotions/heart has to be in it for it to count?

I think people make rules about prayer that just aren't there. Prayer is a wonderful gift. I don't think we should try to block it in so much. It has to be done this way or that way; it must last this long; you must pray when you get up in the morning or before you go to sleep. Why?

How can we hope to determine these things without Scripture specifically telling us? Maybe I need to read some books on the subject. . . . . In closing, I stress that these are just my current opinions and not learned ones at that. Just experiential ones.

Missing

2011-05-22T23:44:00.000-07:00

There is a family that goes to our church. I've only met two of its members, and until about three minutes ago, I hadn't even realized it. . . . . It's been on the news. The Gallego family. Their baby daughter is missing.

It was hard when it was some people from our church. It was difficult to imagine how I would react if I woke up and my baby wasn't where I had laid it down to sleep. What if the child had a hard time sleeping through the night, and my first thought had been, "Wow, that was a great night's sleep. I'm going to be able to get so much done today"?

I remember with vivid detail the morning that we got the call that my Uncle Dan was missing. He'd gone swimming and hadn't come back. There's an initial panic and then there's a numbness. I remember waiting, pacing around for hours, praying, "Please, don't take my Uncle Dan." I kept praying it over and over, "Not my Uncle Dan. Not my uncle Dan." It was the only thought in my head.

I can't imagine the amplification that my mom felt that day. I can't imagine the amplification that Ramy's parents have felt all of today.

That was all hard. Thinking about a little baby being abducted. Then, the imagining of the panic and the horror. Then, the remembering of things, how I felt during times of loss. And again, more imagining.

But there was a new wave tonight. And that was when I saw a picture of the baby with her mother. . . . I didn't know the people by name, you see, but when we'd had our Easter breakfast at church, Kristin Gallego was doing a lot of the work. She had a very small baby, Ramy, that another of their young daughters had been holding for a while.

The other daughter's arms were tired and Kristin was busy. I held the baby, not knowing her name, or who she was. I felt kind of awkward because I would have been slightly unhappy if I'd found some random woman holding my child.

I saw a picture of Ramy and Kristin and I remembered. I held that baby.

And with that little attachment, that little memory of probably less than ten minutes, everything took on a new view. It hit me like a ton of bricks, and it comes with fresh waves of nausea . . . I held that baby! She was in my arms, content to sit with a stranger while her mother worked. I held her!

And again, I've found my mantra, that repeating phrase in my head. No matter what I think, it goes back to it - "I held her."

Please pray for the Gallego family.

Not the Rapture

2011-05-21T17:25:00.000-07:00

Just another day? Kind of, and yet, every day should be held as something good, something special. It's another day with friends and family. It's another day of sunshine or rain, of air to breathe, of work or play - of life. It's another day full of God's goodness to us, where we can enjoy the world that He made and where He's placed us.

I don't know how He does it, but somehow, we've actually made money this month. Sure, we've been careful, but not as careful as we could have been. Sure, we've been working, but not full time. Yeah, we don't have any spending money, but we still have little treats now and then.

It's mind-boggling. He's not just sustaining us; He's growing us. We're not just "making it." We're gaining it. Yeah, we're trying to be smart, but this is not of us. This is God's blessing, and it's hugely humbling. I DON'T deserve this - not, I FEEL like I don't - I really Don't.

Sustaining . . . . We might say that God has promised to provide for us, thus because I am His child, He must take care of me. He's bound to now by His Word, one might argue. That gives the feeling that one deserves it, that one is now entitled. Because God has given me so much, now He MUST give me more!

Such wrong thinking! But I did feel that way.

And He gave us more anyway. . . . What is that verse? The goodness of God leads us to repentance. It's not always hard times that break through hard hearts, I guess. Sometimes, we just need a reminder, "Look. Stop. See what I have done. Remember what I did. See how much more I can give because I AM good."

For He is God and there is none like Him. He is God, and there none else. I don't deserve to be His child, much less be sustained, much less be blessed with extra. And as much as I'd be thrilled for the Rapture, I'm glad He gave me another day to think about that before standing before Him.

Wouldn't it be really funny if the Rapture happened next week? Hehehe. I think it'd be funny. =D

Diet and Exercise

2011-05-16T11:09:00.000-07:00

I'm no expert. I've just spent a good deal of my life fighting not to be fat. For a while, I quit fighting and ballooned, and I discovered afterward that the fight is well worth it. Not because I want to look good (thought that is a large motivation), but because the taste of food and the feeling of being full last far less time than the feeling of being fit. Also, I never get heartburn when I'm watching how much I eat, and I HATE heartburn - so that's an amazing perk.

After I got married, I gained, oh, about ten pounds. Now, ten may not sound like a large number. But on a 5' 2'' frame where most of that weight sits in the length of a foot? It makes a big difference. Clothes stop fitting, I get really self-conscious, I want to wear my jackets to cover up, but it's 80 degrees outside, more sweat, everything is uncomfortable, etc. etc. It's just nasty.

Working out is hard. It's hard to get started; it's hard to keep going, especially when you get on the scale and nothing has happened after a few weeks. This is when I have to remember that after so long, my metabolism has slowed and I'm trying to rev it back up, and that doesn't happen in a week or two. That can take months.

My dieting is called calorie-counting. I'm not prone to eating foods that are terrible for me. I'm just prone to eating too much. Some people like bad food - I'm not one of them. I love fruits and vegetables. My downfall is that I like feeling full and fruits and vegetables do NOT fill me up. Pasta and bread will make me feel full and I love both of those - even the kinds that people tell us are really healthy. Cutting down to 1200 calories (which every expert agrees is the lowest a female should go), is a little too far for me. It's unnecessary, I can't stick with it, and then I binge to a terrible degree on cheat day. Overall, it's better for me to eat a little more every day to keep from eating a LOT more on Sunday.

The hardest thing about dieting is that it's all day. Working out? I'd do it for half an hour - maybe a little more, and then it's done. Finished. Don't have to think about it any more. Dieting is not like that. It doesn't end. It's all day, every day, which is why cheat day is so important to me. Cheat day doesn't have to be about eating a ton or not having to exercise at all; it's just about not worrying about it. It's a break from the calculations.

Now I was working out somewhat regularly, cutting my calorie intake down to something more normal, but I wasn't losing weight. It wasn't stable. I'd go up and down and my emotions and determination would go with the scale numbers. But why? Well, the metabolism takes time for one thing. And the other? Too much down time.

I could spend ten to twelve hours a day sitting! And not sitting up tall, using SOME muscle to keep from slouching. Uh-uh. Sitting on a couch. Slouching in a chair at my computer. Leaning back. I wasn't moving except when I exercised. Bad, bad, bad idea. The metabolism doesn't get going that way!

After Zack would leave for work, I would often watch a TV episode - about 44 minutes of commercial-free entertainment. My parents have this walking video with different moves to do in your house in substitute of getting out and going for a walk. I'd done it enough times to know the basic moves and started doing it for half an hour while watching my episode, in addition to the work-outs.

What is this? I'm losing weight!

I'm trying to change my ideas about diet and exercise and it's been helping. I've been focusing less on eating less and focusing on eating when I'm hungry. I've been focusing less on hardcore exercise for half an hour and focusing more on moving all day. We have a little apartment - not a lot of room to move about, but I walk to the store now and then. Sometimes, just to get out and walk. It's takes about fifteen minutes to walk to Goodwill and back. And you know once I'm in there, I can't help but look around. There's more time being up, moving.

This is a website that's been very useful to me. http://www.bmi-calculator.net/bmr-calculator/
I think it was my brother Dave who told me about this idea, and it's been great. Just follow the instructions and it'll tell you exactly what you need to know about how much you should eat. So easy!

The other thing I've been doing is looking up how many calories are burned doing certain things. For instance, playing the piano for an hour burns around 150-180 calories. Whoa! Something I love doing takes care of my bowl of cereal in the morning! Do a Google search on activities that will burn 200 calories. You'd be surprised at some of the things. Jumping rope for 15 minutes. (Made me wish I had a rope to jump. Haha.) The Wii is a great exercise tool - something like 25-30 minutes of Wii Sports. 20 minutes of Tae-bo! Really? I've been doing Tae-bo for years! I never thought it was that good! If I did Tae-bo instead of walking during my nightly episode, I'd burn 400 calories.

This has helped me be way more motivated to do house work. I love efficiency and getting my house clean and my body thinner at the same time is awesome. Somehow, I'm not sure why it didn't occur to me before that it would make such a difference. I guess I just didn't realize that things like standing for half an hour could burn as much as 55 calories. Standing!

My advice for anyone reading this who might want to lose weight: First, figure out how much you eat. That alone may be enough motivation to get you started. Second, go to that BMR website and figure out how many calories you're using and how much you should cut back. I tried to cut back a LOT, and it was harder because then I was hungry all the time. Pick something that you think will work best with your temperament. If you want faster results, you're going to want to cut down to fewer calories. If you're willing to take the time, cut back the calories in increments of maybe a month at a time, until you get to where you should be.

Now for the exercise part: Just get up. Do work around the house. If your house is clean, how's the garage? What about a closet that needs to be cleared out and reorganized? Get out and go for a 45-minute walk with your sweetie or take the kids to the park. You don't have to move fast. Just spend time moving INSTEAD of sitting. Watch TV at night? Get up and walk in place. Do lots of reading? Get up and mull about.

I've taken to walking in place when I read. I sit at my computer enough, so I didn't want to have to sit while I read too. If you purpose to do the little things to help you lose weight, you'll find that much more is getting done, and your metabolism will get used to running all the time. And THAT, I believe, is the key to weight loss. The easiest time I ever had losing weight, was when I'd been walking, swimming, or riding my bike regularly for a year.

Realizations

2011-05-07T10:55:00.000-07:00

I think there are few in things in life as satisfying as realizing that something that happened years ago that you couldn't understand, helped prepare you for something later on that you would face.

For instance, when I was living with my parents between 17-21 (ish), I would randomly have nights where I wouldn't be able to sleep. I just would not be tired in body or mind. I would lie in bed for an hour or two waiting to get tired, but it just wasn't happening. So then I'd get up. At two or three in the morning.

Often what I did during this time was clean my room a bit. I would have some energy to burn off - I needed to DO something. So I'd clean and organize and straighten things up.

Now, for someone who's rather aware of the statuses of the rest of the people in the house, this was not a terribly easy thing to do. Straightening requires moving things about. Dusting (which is usually what got done in the wee hours of the morning) requires, at least, picking things up off a shelf and then putting them back down. When the house is silent, when you share a 100 year old wall with your light-sleeping parents, you tend to want to be very quiet when doing anything.

I never knew why I couldn't sleep those nights. I would wonder about it; I would wonder if there was something specific that I needed to be praying about and would spend some time in prayer. And while I fully believe there was an immediate reason for it, it's so cool realizing there was a much longer-term reason as well.

I would have never guessed it was so I would learn what I can and can't clean and do it quietly. But the fact of the matter is that it's coming in handy when my husband works nights and needs to sleep, and we're having company over later in the afternoon. ;)

And that was a fun and reassuring realization that I had this morning. Even the itty bitty details of our lives, that we may never understand, have a purpose - and being God's children, that purpose is for our good and for His glory. :)

Almost made it

2011-04-27T12:02:00.001-07:00

Well, the end of April is upon us. I feel like I haven't blogged in forever, but it's actually been less than a month. MIKE hasn't blogged in forever. ;)

We made it in a couple of different ways.

1) Zack has a job now. He's getting paid for going in for orientation today, so it has officially started. Weeee!

2) We made it through the month without needing to turn the AC on. It got difficult there for a few days, but it's been cooler again. I even had a long sleeved shirt on to go to bed last night. It gets hot here, but as long as it cools down for the sleeping time, I'm okay.

3) Unless something weird happens, we'll have spent less than $120 on food this month. That's down from a budgeted $250 that people told us we'd need. Granted, we were given a lot of food this month, too, but I'm relatively certain I can keep us near or under $150 for food every month. We had to get some clothing items with that, too - a very rare extra expenditure.

4) Friday/Saturday will be our three-month anniversary. :) Friday is the date anniversary; Saturday is the week anniversary. In case you were wondering how it could be both. =)

And that is my reporting on the month of April. :)

Sun, Sun, Go Away

2011-04-01T21:42:00.000-07:00

And don't come back til the end of May! ;)

It's the Michigan in me talking. =)

It's April Fools Day! The only joke I heard of was the one that Google pulled. Google always does something. Although, I'm kind of waiting for the day when they do something outrageous that is actually true, but then everyone will think it's not true. It's like a backwards, "April Fools!" . . . . . Sloof Lirpa!

Teehee!

Baseball season has apparently started. I keep seeing posts on Facebook about the Padres and the Giants now. . . . . There goes the rest of the year. If only it waited to start until AFTER my birthday. I'm not sure why that would make it better, but somehow it would. I think it's like kind of like having to take a difficult test right before your birthday (something I had to do multiple times). For whatever reason, it'd just be WAY easier to enjoy your birthday if that test came a week later.

But oh well. I like where my birthday is. :) It's on a Thursday this year, too! Thursdays are one of my favorite days. Probably because when I was growing up it was the end of the school week. Friday you just had the leftovers - if you hadn't done them earlier, but Thursday was good because I wasn't bored - I had school - but it was the end. Nothing to dread the next day.

I've been wanting (and trying, though not very hard) to write lately. I have this story. It's the only thing I've written that I would ever want to possibly be published. It's morphed numerous times until it's pretty much nothing like how it started. But I like it better now. The hard part is, I've never written a good story that follows multiple lines. I'm not good at that. I have one stream, one line, that I write. The others are there, but they don't have to be well-defined. I don't know all the details; I just know how they fit in with the one that I'm writing.

This story, I'm trying to write two lines. Only for part of it - the two main characters split up for a while and then rendezvous later - but it's draining the life out of the story because a huge part of what I was writing was their interaction. Pull them apart and suddenly I have nothing to write. It's been frustrating. Also, one of my characters is steadily becoming less and less likable. (Doesn't that look like it should have an "e?" Spellcheck says it shouldn't. . . . It looks weird.) I'm going to have to think of a way to make her cool-ish again.

Anyway. Enough about me. Tell me about you! =) ;)

Nameless

2011-03-17T13:17:00.000-07:00

I haven't thought of a suitable name for this one yet. Probably because I haven't tried very long to think of something. Like most of my poems, it has a story behind it, but this one more than others. Usually, they just come from something I've been thinking about. This one actually happened because of circumstances.

Maker, I fall down at Your feet
Broken by Your chast'ning hand
Purified by the trial's heat
In my strength, I cannot stand.

Oh once again, I've failed You so
Spurned Your Word and left Your grace.
Once again, Lord, but now I know -
It's not I who wins the race

There is nothing left of me
Nothing that I once did own
Nothing that I once could be
Nothing can I do alone.

Nothing special, nothing good.
Are all my talents, time, and skill,
But Father if You wished, You could
Use me for Your perfect will.

Oh my Lord, if there is aught
If anything of use in me
It's only if that You have taught
And made me that which I should be

There is nothing left of me
Nothing that I once did own
Nothing that I once could be
Nothing can I do alone.

There is nothing I can do best.
And nothing You cannot replace.
My life is Yours, in You I rest
Will You change my sorry case?

Will You choose to work through this clay?
Would You give a task to do?
Will You ready my heart today?
That I might praise only You.

There is nothing left of me
Nothing that I once did own
Nothing that I once could be
Nothing can I do alone.

The story:
I've been told during my life that I was good at things. A natural! In Michigan, I sang and played the piano and people told me that I was good. Someone once said that I had the most beautiful voice they'd ever heard. I tried not to let it go to my head, but inevitably, I believed what people said about me. They told me I was good; I knew I wasn't great, but I could believe I was good.

The first thing to go was my skill as a pianist. I went to school and found out just how not good I was. Talented? Skilled? Not really. I'd always known that people didn't really know because they couldn't play, but it was different when I went into my piano lessons with a teacher at college who wasn't just happy that I had practiced, a teacher who in fact, was often rather not happy with my lack of progress.

Next went my vocal ability. I came to California and all kinds of people sing well. I was nothing special. I was nothing great; I hardly made it into normal. I am not a skilled singer. I fit in with the crowd, completely superfluous.

Then, there was trying to learn how to drive a stick-shift. . . . I'm a good driver, I thought. I've never been pulled over, never been in any real car accidents, etc. etc. I'm a good driver. . . . who can't learn how to use her left foot. And then I remember all the times that I nearly caused accidents on the way to and from school, all the times I pulled out in front of someone or switched lanes without checking my blind spots. I'm a GOOD driver? I don't think so. But God is a merciful God.

Lastly, the real kicker that is actually kind of comical, but brought the whole thing home: skiing. In Michigan, I'd been told multiple times, since the first time I went skiing, that I was good at it. I had a natural talent for it. I went skiing on an actual mountain this past Tuesday, and I found out I'm not a good skier. I'm a good faller. I fell in spectacular ways and skied with less skill than my husband who'd never worn skis before that day.

But there is a bright side to all of this. Despite my lacking in skill, talent, or ability, God still decided to save me. And that means He has a job for me. I've no idea what it is, and I'm probably not going to be good at it. But there's a job He wants me to do. I just have to wait for it.

SNOW????

2011-02-24T23:00:00.000-08:00

I'm cold. Also, I'm hungry. But that's a good thing. I need that bloated belly to shrink a little bit. I've been on pretty much a constant binge since the wedding. Not. Good.

I kind of want to go to bed. But I kind of want to see my husband. Since I'm still awake, unless he gets overtime, I'm thinking that I'm going to see him. :) Or my body could do something totally crazy and fall asleep on me for the first time in ages without me having to try to fall asleep. . . . That would be somewhat bizarre.

You know what else is bizarre? Snow in CaliLand. There's a chance it may snow this weekend. I'ma be honest - I'm getting excited. Not so much because of the snow, but because of the implications. This would be the first time in twenty some years that it's snowed in this area. . . . And it just happens to be my first winter living here? I don't believe in coincidence.

Either way, it's pretty cool. Either way, it's a good reminder that God loves me. And likes me.

God likes me. . . . That's an interesting concept that I still haven't quite wrapped my head around. The loving part, I get - probably as much as I'm ever going to. I understand that part because I can love people that I don't particularly like. It's a lot more choice-related, in my head, and if I have the will-power to choose to love someone, God sure does.

But a college teacher once told my class that God likes us. . . . It still blows my mind, because that means a whole lot more. Not necessarily anything better or more profound. It's just a lot more added to what was already amazing and profound. And since it's not directly stated in the Bible like that, I have a harder time believing it. But it does say that He calls us friends. I tend to like my friends. . . . That's mostly why they're my friends. . . . Sometimes I love them, too.

But I'm also part of His family now. And family, I love. So I'm His friend and He likes me, and I'm His daughter and He loves me. . . . . Still totally amazing me. . . . And I've been thinking about it on and off for years now. . . . Yeah. I don't know if I'm ever going to get over this one. That's probably okay, I would think. =)

Totally unrelated, the podcast thing, "What You Ought To Know" is hilarious. The Brothers Winn do it. Clean, funny, informative. I'm a fan and becoming more of one every time I watch some of their stuff. I think I probably watched about thirty of their clips today.

And the dude's speech patterns have been seared into my head and my own thoughts are coming out that way now. . . . It's rather interesting. It feels like that one time I watched Harry Potter and then the rest of the night I was thinking in a British accent.

And this is pretty much a big ramble. If you've read this far, I'm guessing your name is Zack. Or you were really, really bored. Sorry. I'll try not to ramble so much again. Not that there is anyone left at this point to apologize to. . . . Maybe I'll put it at the top of the next post. . . . That should work.

Another one???

2011-02-18T21:05:00.000-08:00

I've been blogging a lot lately, I know. . . . It's not really my fault. I only have so much time when I can talk to people. Zack is here in the mornings and I get to chat with Mom and Kate a couple times per week. Really, that's not that much talking. So. Here I am again. /shrug

This one is about being married. (This is rated E for Everyone. ;))

It's awesome. Being married, not the blog post. . . . (The blog post might be awesome, but I'll let you be the judge of that.) It's simply and amazingly wonderful. It's everything I thought it would be, and it's even better now that I'm living it. I'm usually one for nostalgia, the good ole days, etc. Not right now. Life has never been better.

This is not to say that I don't miss my family, friends, and church, or that I'm not ridiculously grateful for all of those things - because I am - but right now is . . . what I've always wanted. For longer than I can remember, I wanted to be married. Just married. Not with a house or with kids or with stuff. That was all extra which changed, sometimes from day to day, sometimes from phase to phase, with my mood/state of being. But I always wanted to be married.

Now I am. It's awesome. Great. Wonderful. Incredible. Perfect. :) I can't think of enough adjectives. I can't remember a time I've had this much overflowing joy that was sustained for so long. Oh, I'm sure it's going to get dented, and it'll probably fade a little bit in at least some aspect as time continues. But right now, it's in full force and it's gushing out. And I just wanted to post that marriage is wonderful, and I'm so happy that God made it, and that He gave me a husband. =) God is just so good to me.

How Does She Know?

2011-02-17T12:18:00.001-08:00

My husband loves me. :) I know he loves me, and not only because he tells me. Not only because he does nice things for me. Not only because he goes to work everyday in order to take care of me. Not just because he's extra sweet when I'm sick, or because he cuddles even though he knows full well that he's probably going to get my cold from me.

Not only because he buys me a rose on Valentine's Day AND buys me blueberry bagels (along with other things) just because. Not only because he asks for my opinion on things. Not only because he worries about my well-being.

I know he loves me more than anyone else (physical realm, we're talking) because he wants to know me so much. He hates it when I say "never mind", not because he's jut a really curious person, but because he just wants to know what I'm thinking. And he tries so hard to make me happiest, as happy as he can, as happy as I can be. Sadly, I really don't make it very easy for him. And he loves me anyway.

There's a funny song from the movie Enchanted. "How Does She Know He Loves Her?" Something like that. It's a fun song. I like it. And this blog explains how I know. :)

At least, partially.

Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T23:31:00.002-08:00

Maybe it's because my parents never made a big deal about it. Maybe it's because I really am contrary like they always told me, so I don't like having my emotions scheduled by someone else. Maybe I'm just a cynic - I have been told that I'm pessimistic. I'm not sure what it is, but Valentine's Day is just not that great. Nor that bad.

I don't remember it being a big deal when I was single. Some people, usually single people, make it out like it's there to purposefully rub in their face that they're alone. I remember a time period of probably a few years where I held that view, but I think it was more of a jumping on the bandwagon thing. Mostly, it's been just another day to me.

Funny thing: now that I have someone, it's still just another day. Haha. It's not great without someone; it's not really that awesome (by itself) with someone. It's just a day. Tomorrow will probably be a better day 'cause Zack doesn't have to work tomorrow.

I'd so much rather have flowers because my husband was thinking about me than because he was thinking about it being Valentine's Day. Don't get me wrong, I'll take flowers for pretty much any reason, and I'll enjoy them and take care of them and smell them practically fourteen times a day. But they're just more special if it's just "because." Occasions are nice. But they're practiced. This is what we do on birthdays - dinner, cake, presents. Birthdays are fun; dinner is delicious; cake is amazing; presents are often clothes. . . .

But spontaneous is beautiful. Spontaneous is memorable. Spontaneous is when your mom brings you home a CD from Goodwill because she thought you would like it, and doesn't save it for an occasion, just gives it to you then and there. It's special because there's no "reason" for it, except that they love you.

Continuing with that example, I had a CD collection in my car; I lived in a little town and left my doors unlocked and consequently, my CDs were stolen. It was worth about $150, if I remember right. You know the CD that I was saddest about? The one from Goodwill that was probably $1.99 that my mom got me just because. 'Cause that wasn't something I asked for; it was just something she did. (I have the greatest Mama, by the way.)

To sum up: Practiced is good and reliable and fun. Spontaneous is beautiful and more memorable. Personally, I'm happy with the reliable things that I have. I don't really need to add Valentine's Day to it. I'd really rather that Zack save the money and buy me something in the middle of July when there's absolutely nothing going on. Hehe.

Just to be clear, none of the specialness of spontaneous actions of love negate the joy of the reliable things. I just think that a good mixture is best, and often, because the reliable things are the practiced things, the spontaneous are the ones that get left out. It's much more rare that people don't celebrate birthdays when they ARE randomly doing nice things for each other.

How can this be?

2011-02-12T12:00:00.002-08:00

Nine hours of sleep and my eyes still feel tired. It's just not right.

I'm getting a piano today!!!!! =D I'm so excited. I haven't been this excited since two weeks ago! I'm going to have a piano again!!!! EeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! =D

And now for something new, which I am going to try to keep up with. This segment of the blog will be named. . . .

Something new my husband has taught me: Peanut Butter and Honey sandwiches are delicious. I wouldn't have believed it, but I wanted something sweet that wasn't chocolate. We didn't have any marshmallows (at the time; this situation has been rectified; Mom, you were right), and the closest thing I could think of was honey. As Zack had spoken of them multiple times, I decided that I would try one of those PB&H sandwiches. Turns out they're wonderfully yummy. Thanks, Sweetie. :)

And that's all my poor eyes can take for now. (And it's pretty much all that I can think to write, too.) I really think I need new glasses. Either that or some clouds. Or something. . . . Carrots? Nah, that's just for night vision, right? Oh well.

Piano. Piano. Piano. Piano. =D

It's About Time

2011-02-07T15:21:00.002-08:00

For a new post!

This trip was the first time that anything has broken in transit and it happened twice. :/ I knew I should have packed those things differently too. That's the real kicker. Actually, I don't know what's worse. When you do something with a strong feeling of what the outcome is going to be, or when something happens and you're totally blind-sided. Anyone have an opinion on that?

It's perpetually sunny here. I had hoped with it being sorta winter still that they might have more clouds, weather where I can actually wear long-sleeved shirts, etc. But that was obviously not to be. (I really need to clean our slider. . . ) Consequently, I'm very happy to stay in all day on occasion, even if it LOOKS very tempting. I know that I probably won't enjoy going out onto our balcony to stand in the sun.

Please pray that I can find a part-time job. I don't really want forty hours, but I know I'm going to get bored here pretty quickly. With Zack working ten hours, I really only have to make three meals a week. Supper on Tuesdays and Saturdays and dinner on Sunday. Which is perfectly fine with me. Haha. I'm not much of a cook. . . . But that doesn't give me a whole lot to do aside from clean. And I pretty much cleaned the whole apartment in about two hours today. While some of it IS stuff that I can do every day, some isn't. There just really isn't a whole lot of sense to sweeping the floor every single day.

I've been craving weird things lately. Like honey. I never eat honey; usually I don't even like it. Honeymoon baby? Probably not, but the possibility of me getting pregnant is always there in my head now. It's kind of weird to think about.

I really want a book. A good book. A fantasy book. I don't think we have any here. Not one. Maybe we'll go to the library.

Have to start working on getting my name changed tomorrow. Sounds like it's really easy. Just going and standing in line for a while, filling out a form, and voila! Hope it's as simple as it sounds and that the lines aren't really long.

Well, there you have it. My first blog post as a married woman. I'm married. It's pretty awesome. :)

Send Me Anywhere

2011-01-19T19:11:00.003-08:00

When I was very little, I used to pretend a lot in my head. I was too self-conscious to do the talking and thinking aloud, but I would come up with very detailed futures for myself, realistic or fantastic. Sometimes I would imagine myself an android, like Data. Yes, I was a Trekkie at an early age. Sometimes, I had a little brother named Gideon and my parents had been kidnapped.

The more real ones, I always imagined myself far away from home - alone. That was actually a common theme in real or make-believe. No parents, no older siblings. If there was anyone, it was someone depending on me. Maybe it was because I had a tendency to feel alone, so that was the way I always thought I would be. Maybe I wanted to be the one in charge. I do know it wasn't because I WANTED to get away from my family because I didn't. I loved my family; I always have, always will. But it was always a given with me that I was going to leave.

I was practicing singing for church tonight, and I came across two of my very favorite songs. One, Here Am I Lord, I'd known since I was very small and we had our first Patch the Pirate tape (Goes to the Jungle). I knew that song very very well. I loved that song. I'd prayed that song throughout my life. I wanted to be a missionary's or an evangelist's wife. I wanted to travel and be used of God. More recently, I came to know another song, Lord, Send Me Anywhere. The chorus is a quote from David Livingston:

"Lord, send me anywhere, only go with me.
Lay any burden on me, only sustain me.
Sever any tie, save the tie that binds me to Thy heart.
Lord Jesus, my King, I consecrate my life, Lord, to Thee."

I learned those words at college. I sang them and I meant them, but I never dreamed how much I would be tested by them. If I had, I probably would have assumed I was ready for it. Haha. Naive.

I have ties to family, friends, memories, The Farm, Michigan itself. They're not all exactly being severed, but they're definitely getting stretched or thinned. Ties to many of my friends HAVE been severed. The message boards? Yeah, they're gone. The friends that went with them? Gone, except for a random comment here and there on Facebook. If my parents are right and the U. S. is about to collapse financially, ties to family may well be severed, too, and to Michigan.

"I only have one life and that will soon be past.
I want my life to count for Christ
What's done for Him will last."

It's a harder song to sing now. If God decided to test it by severing my tie to Zack? It's a scary thought. And yet. . . there's a comfort knowing that if He did that, He'd be there to get me through, like He has been with moving to Cali. God be thanked and praised, I still meant those words when I sang them tonight, sitting at my beloved piano, in our kitchen on a snowy, winter night in good ole Michigan, my little sister standing next to me, singing them with me, my dear, dear mama in the background working on flowers for the wedding.

Here, have a poem.

2011-01-09T18:25:00.002-08:00

It's missing something. . . . Oh well. Have it anyway. ;)

My loving Father God above
I bow down at your throne
In prayer, I come to worship You
In the way You have made known

And as I come with heart made right
I bring my woes and cares
And with a soul You've made contrite
I tell You all my prayers

I thank You for all You have done
You've held me in Your hand
You've fed me, clothed me, kept me safe
You've lifted me to stand.

I ask for things, for self and friends
My fears I speak to You
Sometimes I cannot voice my needs
But I know You hear thoughts, too.

And then I reach the end of my list
I pause, my hopes pulse bright
For there my greatest request I see
Lord, come again in might!

O, Father, how I long to see
The day of Christ appear
O, Father, I know it will be.
Christ's coming is drawing near!

Oh for me to see the day
The day You meet us there
Oh for me from death to stray
To meet You in the air.

Up in the clouds, we'll fly to You
As You descend to Earth
What a greeting that will be
Full of joyfulness and mirth.

And so my God, I ask in earnest
Please come again, I pray
Come once and take us home with You
Come again on Judgment Day.

New Year, New Look

2010-12-31T21:40:00.001-08:00

Only took me forever to figure out how to change my template. I'm blind. Or tired. . . . Hope you like it. :)

Now go read last year's last entry. ;)

Happy 2011!

Last Chance

2010-12-31T20:15:00.004-08:00

Well, the New Year is about 44 minutes away, and this is my last chance to get another blog entry in for the grand year of 2010. It has been a good one. A lot has happened. I introduced my boyfriend to my parents. I got flowers from him for Valentine's Day. My totally adorable niece and nephew were born this year. I got engaged. I turned 21. And that was all in the first half of the year. Haha.

I wrote a 50,000 word novella in less than a month. I was in one of my best friend's weddings. :) I addressed and mailed a whole bunch of invitations. Hehe. I threatened my fiance's brother numerous times. *evil grin* I got my first apartment, even though I won't be moving in for a month yet. Yes, it's been a good year. I liked it, and I'll probably miss it enough to put the wrong date on a few checks. . . Always happens. . . .

Some people look back on a year and say, "I have no regrets!" I don't understand those people. Haha. I have regrets. I have regrets from today, much less from an entire year. But the good part is that though this is the last chance for this year, is isn't the last chance to do better. I can do better tomorrow and next week and next year. If I do, it's only because God gave me the grace to do so. If I do, it's only because some of the lessons that He's been pounding into my head finally sink in. (I'm starting to wonder if that ever happens. . . .)

So I look forward to tomorrow, having time with family that I probably won't be able to see much during the rest of my life, hearing about my fiance moving into OUR apartment (that's so much fun to say, =D), figuring out exactly what I'm going to put in the Middle, because I still haven't done that. . . . Hmm.

It's going to be a new year. I expect it to be kind of hard, kind of long, kind of stretching. I expect it to be uncomfortable at times. I expect it to be humiliating at times, 'cause I'm going to need it. But all in all, I know that no matter how difficult it is, how much I miss my family, how mundane doing the dishes is going to get (right now it's still a very exciting thought to do OUR dishes in OUR place, hehe), and so much more. . . . I'm going to have two things: God and Zack.

Next year is going to have the day in which my longest-lasting goal comes true, and I get my Zack permanently. =) And that was all I've ever wanted. :)

Oh snaps. . . . .

2010-12-15T12:16:00.002-08:00

I just ate three strands of delicious red Twizzlers.
It's good to be home. :)

And I have a 100,000 candy bar waiting for me later. :) Ah, Fall Fest candy. A tradition I shall have to continue. I also have half a bag of pretzels from my gentleman admirer. He keeps me salty to make sure I don't get headaches. (I have a strange body.)

But anyway.
Here I am, sitting at my computer with less than six weeks until I get married. . . . . This is a new kind of bizarre. The rational, logical side of me says, "Well, duh, you're getting married. You've known that for at least eight months now. What's the big deal?" The more emotional, flighty, "eeeeeeeeeee!"ing side of me is less. . . stable. Haha. It is more freaking out. "What am I supposed to be doing? There's got to be something I need to do! I should be making lists! I should have every little detail planned out and ready to go as soon as it's needed! There's less than six weeks!!!!"

It talks in exclamation points at this time. Sometimes even caps, which gets tiresome and then I have to close it up in the back room. Most of the time it doesn't notice for a while and I get a nice break.

I really can't think of anything that MUST get done now. The only thing I can think to work on is the music selection, which I'm slightly putting off because. . . Well, because I have a hard time choosing. I like so many things and most of them are not particularly happy/wedding sounding. I tend to like the pieces that tug my heartstrings, not necessarily the ones that make me want to do a Snoopy Dance. (Although the latter most definitely has a place and a time.) Maybe I'll have Kristin play Linus and Lucy. . . . Haha. That would be amazing for the reception. . . . =)

But I digress.
Actually, it's my blog, I think I can ramble if I want to.
But I don't want to now.
Still digressing.

I'm getting married in less than six weeks. . . . I'm freaking out. =)

Overflowing

2010-12-01T13:00:00.002-08:00

I sit here, listening to my Pride and Prejudice soundtrack, thinking. I can smell the conditioner in my hair still - it smells fruity, and I like it. I'm surrounded by my stuff - piano figurines from my mom, a horse from my grandma, a hummingbird thing from Aunt Joy, and a bunch of clothes. I have books, and stuff, and pretty things, and shoes, and jewelry - oh, the jewelry! I have everything I need to live, and so much more.

And that's just the material stuff.

I have family - even more now. Not just my immediate family, or Dad's side and Mom's side, but Zack's Mom's side and his Dad's side. And church families. Friends that are like family. And I have Zack. There's a lot that goes into those words. . . . I have someone who will care for me and about me like no other person ever has or ever will, someone who wants to hear my dumb stories not only because he likes knowing all the insignificant details that go into my day, but because he likes to hear me talk.

And that's just the human stuff.

I have a God Who loves me, so much that He gave His Son to buy me back. He adopted me and made me His child. He engraved my name on His hand. He gave me His Word so I can know Him; He gave me brothers and sisters, so we can meet together and worship Him, and share all that He's done for us; He gave me a beautiful world to live in, blue skies, and crashing thunderstorms, and indescribable sunsets over water so reflective it looks like it's burning as much as the sky; He gave me fuzzy animals to take care of and to love and to pet; He gave me technology and airplanes so I can fly and visit the people I love.

And my heart is overflowing with love and gratitude and amazement.

Another poem

2010-11-28T21:21:00.002-08:00

There must be something about Sundays. I guess they get me thinking. This started yesterday, not in writing, but in my head. Zack pointed out some things to me and it kind of began a snowball effect. I have a feeling it's not done yet, but the poem is. I don't think it's flowy/polished as the previous one.

My Failure and Prayer

I have failed once again
I turned my back on God and then
I looked and saw myself and grinned
I looked in pride and how I sinned!
My arms were raised, my head held high
To God I would not call or cry
No help from others did I seek
I found no reason to be meek
In pride and arrogance I thought
I needed nothing others taught.
Oh, look at this, what I became!
Look what I've done to His dear name!

I stopped my mind and closed my ears
To all the things I'd learned for years.
In foolishness, I thought I stood
My eyes were covered like a hood
By sin, my own, my wicked works
The darkness that within me lurks
I stole, I lied, I put self first
And I completely lost my thirst
I didn't want the precious food
I grew conceited, mean, and rude
I lost the joy of serving Him
As I rebelled, my eyes went dim.
I thought I prayed, but now it's clear
To heav'n my words I did not steer.
I prayed to self! I spoke and praised
In wicked blindness, I was crazed.
Could not see the way I went
Couldn't hear what God's Word meant.
Did I lie, or was I blind?
Did I know within my mind?
Of what I did, was I aware?
I never took the time to care.
I didn't think; I didn't stop
Put forth my hand and took the sop.
Oh wretched heart! I've been deceived!
And all my fault; for I'd received
The word that told me not to trust
Myself, my heart, my sinful lust.

I don't remember choosing it;
Somehow I woke inside the pit.
Looking back now I can see
The way my focus was on me
Not for the glory of my God.
So I fell 'neath His chast'ning rod.
Oh, Father God, don't let it stay!
Please don't let me live this way!
Change me as You only can
Remove from me the former man
Shape me into something new
Make me to reflect but You
Not a part of self to show
The sin root out, make me like snow.
Use those you have placed around
Help me now adore the sound
Of their voices, dear and kind
As they guide me toward Your mind
Please, my Father, Abba, please!
Hear me praying on my knees
Take pity on Your child, her need
Back to Your side, please safely lead.
Let me ne'er forget the hole
That fills me when sin takes its toll.
I pray, my God, my Lord, my King
Return to me the joy to sing
Fill me once again with You
A contrite heart in me, renew.
And hold me closely to Your heart
Please never let me move apart.

What Would You Be?

2010-11-07T11:14:00.004-08:00

This topic has been in my head for a while now, due to some situations in life, but it decided to take verse this morning during Sunday School. I scrawled a few lines down so I wouldn't lose them and then came home and finished it after lunch. I couldn't decide which name to use, so that's why the title of the poem and the title of the blog differ.

What I Would Be

Can you see what I would be,
If God had no mercy on me?
Can you hear the words I'd say
If He'd not come to me that day?
See the look and hear the tone
Watch the deeds done when alone
In the dark - even in light!
Too proud and base to hide til night.
So lifted up in my own view
The things I'd do would change the hue
Of the purest flower of white
To deepest blush of red in sight
I can see it in my mind
As if it happened years behind
Oh great depravity of man!
How to my sins I clung and ran
As far from God as I could be
Ev'n to drown in the deepest sea.
And once in Hell, my bed all made
I'd look afar and see them laid
The bride of Christ bowed at His feet
And Him upon the highest seat
Down far below as anguish tore
I'd watch as His white robes they wore
The robes of Christ, His righteousness
And I would burn righteous-less
For all the deeds I'd done in life -
Steal and lie and stir up strife
Hate and kill, no love within
Except for self and my dear sin
All my guilt would stay on me
For ever and eternity
There in the dark and endless doom
There in the fire and heavy gloom
Oh I can see what awaited me!
For I know what I would be
If not for the grace of God
I'd die forever under the rod
Of punishment, my just reward
For not accepting Christ my Lord
For rebellion, I would pay
On that terrible judgment day
But in His mercy, Jesus came
And I have never been the same
His love has changed me thru and thru
By His grace, I'm made anew
Do you know what you would be?
That crumbling path, can you see?
The one you walked before He came?
The one you'd crawled when you were lame,
And sick, infirmed, and deeply blind
Before Christ was ever in your mind?
Do you know where you would rest?
Still on earth, or in fire's crest?
Would you have died long ago?
If not for God's protecting you so?
I think at times we lose this sight
We think we would have been alright
We forget the change He's worked within
We forget the bondage we'd had to sin
And then because we're thinking wrong
We have no joy and inner song
We speak to those who's lives are torn
And without love we speak in scorn
Forgetting that we'd be alike!
If Christ had not accepted the spike
If He'd not taken me from that path
I, too, would be inciting His wrath
And so would you, my Christian friend
We would have met that same dark end
We would have lived and died accursed
Don't think the lost are the worst.
Who can tell if I'd not have been
Hitler or Stalin, murderous men
And what of you, do you know
The depths of sin that you can sow?
What new twisted way you may have gone?
God's prophet assunder you might have sawn.
So think it through and when you're done
I hope you'll see and to Christ you'll run
Reminded that you couldn't be good
Without God's help, burn you would.
And to the lost, who can't abstain
From sinning, imbuing their lives with pain
Take pity, be kind, share God's gift
Perhaps He'll decide them to lift
Up to Heav'n, adopting them
And together, we'll bow at His hem.
Children of God, every one
Bound together by the death of His Son.

Tribute to my Honorary Sisters

2010-10-14T21:26:00.004-07:00

I was looking through some pictures on Facebook, thinking about people, and I realized how many examples of godly women I have around me. So here is a clip of specific people for whom I thank God. Some family, some friends - equals with me, not people in authority above me. (Order does not indicate importance. You have all been instrumental in my life.)

First up, the person with whom I've enjoyed friendship for the length of my life. My older sister, sometimes my rag doll gal, Ashlie Lockwood (Ragan). She is the sweetest, meekest person I know. She's fun, quick to laugh, and my only rub is that I never felt like I was good for her like she was for me. I can't count the times that she would say or do something that would utterly amaze me. Truly my BEST friend.

Second, Stephanie Ragan (also soon to be a Lockwood). (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) We had some rough times early on - at times, the large age gap made things . . . difficult, to put it gently. But when I went to college, Steph was there for me. We cried, we laughed, we sat in her car talking till her gas was starting to run out because we had to have the heater on. . . . College without Steph's company would have been nearly unbearable. And from her I learned the pros and cons of being everybody's friend. (Not that I've really ever been in the running for that. . . . )

Then there's Jessica Daniels. College Roommate with whom I had the most in common. I'm not sure how it happened, but somehow, we opened up to each other more than anyone else - at least while I was there. (I think she may have found a replacement after I moved back home. ;) :)) Of all my roommates, I expect to keep in contact with her longest. Someone to enjoy fantasy novels with that isn't a guy. Someone who likes clouds as much (or more!) than I do. A ridiculously generous person who was always kind enough to lend me her khaki skirt. And, random fact, we had the exact same shirt. Haha. :)

And there you have it. I could continue, and perhaps I will add to this list as my life goes on and I develop new honorary sisters, or decide to add in some of the older ones in a "part two." We'll see. For now, I've satisfied my urge to write.

Humanity

2010-10-07T12:25:00.004-07:00

Much like my blog about shyness, this post is most likely going to be full of my experience with things and generalized statements, often stated as fact. Don't let it fool you: this is just my blog, and my opinion. Feel free to try to change it if you dare. ;)

There's a phrase I've heard quite a lot. It's said by people - lost or found -, it's quoted from movies, and it's an idea that has permeated our thinking. It is this: Humanity is flawed. It's not often said that way, but that's the idea. Someone does wrong and we say, "Only human." I take issue with this for two reasons:

1. It makes is sound like humanity STARTED that way; like it's inseparable from mankind.
2. It removes personal accountability. It's not me; it's my whole species.

1. Now, I have to be careful because on the one hand, sin is now inherent within us, and it is demonstrated abundantly through our physical/mental/emotional - human - desires. BUT, sin is not part of humanity. We know this because before the Fall, Adam was perfect. We know this because Christ became a man. Sin is not necessary for humanity, nor humanity for sin. (Angels fell, too.) It's not humanity which makes us sin, even when the sin nature has become so embedded in our humanity - our wills, our emotions, our reasoning, etc.

We'll still be humans after we've been glorified, when we have new bodies and new hearts, when we're perfect. We're not going to turn into angels or something. We'll just be CLEAN humans.

2. It happened multiple times when I was working that people would talk about their problems, about someone who wronged them, or something they did to others, and it would get . . . shrugged off by using this excuse. "Oh, well. I'm just human." People have no idea what humanity is SUPPOSED to be, what it should mean, what it should look like. We're image-bearers of GOD! It's not "JUST human." God the Son, the King of kings and Lord of lords is human. Just human?

No, no. Not JUST human. I'm human - that means Christ came to save ME. He didn't become an angel and die to save them; He became a man. Humanity is not the problem. It's the sin nature. Don't blame what you do on your humanity; blame it on your sin; own it. And understand that while you will always be human, you can be free of the sin.

We've come to expect that sin will happen (that's just common sense), but then we move to accept it. There's no other option if we're not thinking properly. If HUMANITY is the problem, there is no hope for me EVER. I'm always going to be human. However, when humanity is not the problem, when it's simply the means by which we SEE the real malady, then we can understand, there's hope. I can be cured by the One Who became human and showed what humanity is supposed to look like, and one day will again.

Facebook Status

2010-10-04T12:36:00.005-07:00

"Faith jumps in the wheelbarrow."

I think this illustration has been circulated already, so you'll probably get it before I reach the end of the explanation. But for whatever reason it really struck me on Sunday morning, and it's been in my head a lot.

Illustration:
There's a tight-rope-walker who sets up his show over the Niagara Falls. He walks over and back, then does it using different items to balance himself. He asks the cheering crowd if they think he can do it with a wheelbarrow, and they shout, "Yeah! Yeah! DO IT!" So he does. Then he asks if they think he can do it with a full load of things, and again they cheer him on. And again, he makes it. He asks if they believe he can make it with a person in the wheelbarrow and they cheer. So he asks for a volunteer. The crowd goes silent.

Real faith jumps in the wheelbarrow. It doesn't just believe that the guy can take someone across in a wheelbarrow; it acts on it. It puts itself in the care of whatever it's depending on. The wheelbarrow, the rope, the guy. Faith jumps in. :)

I'd been struggling with something as of late. A question of, "Where is the line? Have I passed it? Am I pushing it? Am I being over-sensitive? Am I making trouble where there isn't any?" I'd been praying for a few days for God to help me, to show me. He did this morning. Not the way I'd have chosen to be sure, but it was an answered prayer, and I can honestly say I'm thankful for it (only by God's good grace).

You may wonder what that has to do with the tight-rope illustration. Well, I'll try to tie it in (pun intended). Faith doesn't only jump in the wheelbarrow. Faith STAYS in the wheelbarrow. Faith doesn't look around and think, like Peter, "This is crazy! I'm going to die!" and try to cross alone. Faith says, "I can't see where to go; I need You to push me. All I can hear is the roar of the water; I need Your voice to give instructions. I need Your help not to flail, not to fear, else I'll make this trip rough and bumpy for myself when in Your hands it could be smooth." Faith puts it all with Him.

Now? It doesn't really matter if I had crossed a line. If I hadn't, it never hurts to be farther away from sin. If I had, God be thanked, praised, and adored that He already paid for it on the cross. I'm His girl. I don't know if guys really understand those words. I don't even know my dad understands what that means for me to be his girl. But I know my mama does. She was her dad's girl.

How stupid would it be to try to jump out of the wheelbarrow. It's only when we lose sight of who we are compared to Who He is. . . . He's not just an expert. He's Almighty God. He doesn't need to walk a tight-rope. He can turn it into a street of gold and fly if He wants. Even if it feels like I'm falling, or if I'm getting jarred about, as long as He's got the handles, I'm safe. And even if I can't feel Him directing, He's promised to never leave me. I'm always in His hands.

I'm His girl.

Honor the King

2010-09-23T09:24:00.004-07:00

I think we (everyone who reads this blog) all know we're supposed to respect those in authority over us. I think we understand it's a scriptural principle that we submit to whoever is above us. And let's be honest, everybody has someone who's above them on the ladder.

First, I think we need to stop viewing that as a bad thing.

(I going to pause for a moment and make sure that everyone understands this blog is my opinion based on my view of how things are. If I say something is the way it is, I don't mean it as a blanket statement - I mean it's how I've seen things in general. Also, I'm not trying to say that you shouldn't seek to better your life or your job.)

It seems that often people complain about their bosses. How they did something stupid, got away with this or that, lost customers because they didn't know what they were talking about, promoted or fired someone for inappropriate reasons, etc. But remember, we're put under our bosses for a reason. Instead of complaining about what's going on, remember that God is in control of it all. Look for the good in it. Find something - it's there. God is good to His children all the time. He's never a bad Father, giving us something we don't need, or taking away something we do.

Respect God's control and sovereignty, and you'll find that you start to properly respect those above you. Your boss, parents, policemen, state and federal legislatures, judges, the President, etc.

I've started doing something that I'm not sure anyone has picked up on. If they have, no one has commented. But I began noticing a while ago that people, in general, don't call the President the President. In fact, most of the time they just call him "Obama." Not even "Mr."

Where I come from, using Mr. and Mrs. are appropriate signs of respect for those a generation older than you (about 20 years, is the idea, I think). People don't even use that much of a title for the LEADER of our NATION. Why? Because we don't like that God put President Obama over us? Because we don't like him? Because we don't think he deserves our respect?

But I think it's even deeper than that because we didn't call President Bush by the proper title all the time either. A lot of the time, he was just "Bush." It's simply a lack of respect for the position of authority over me. It's not anything about whether or not I like him, or dislike him, think he's killing the nation or helping it, whether I think he's right or wrong, whether he's a Christian or a Muslim. No matter what he's doing, or what he is on all those levels, he is my President. And that all by itself should be enough for me to refer to him as such, giving him the proper title.

Honor the king. If you don't, are you really honoring The King?

Shyness

2010-09-18T07:58:00.006-07:00

I've had two questions going around my head recently. What is shyness? And, is it really bad? I've heard a lot of people reference it, but it has seemed to me that many people have differing understandings of what the word means. Perhaps the word means them all? Or are they different connotations? What does it really mean?

According to the dictionary, shy as an adjective =

1. bashful 2. easily frightened away; timid 3. suspicious; distrustful 4. reluctant; wary 5. not at ease in the company of others

1. Being shy is being easily embarrassed. What's the most common reason people get embarrassed? I'd submit that it's because they're afraid of something. Sometimes, they should be afraid. They're ashamed of their sin and the consequences it will bring. But "easily embarrassed" sounds more like, embarrassed because I misspoke in front of people. That's either a lack of humility or an over-abundance of fear of man.

2. Easily frightened away. Not just easily frightened. Frightened so much that you can't keep moving forward. Frightened enough that you turn around and run. Being shy isn't just being afraid. Being shy is needing to get away from whatever is frightening you. It's not fear - it's a lack of courage in the face of fear.

3. Suspicious - inclined to suspect others, especially of evil. Hard to trust others, to take them at face value. Always looking for an angle. (This type of shyness can be cultivated in people by the actions of others. Take a trusting person and subject them to people who trick and then mock, and the trusting person will most likely start suspecting them. They change from being "gullible" to being suspicious.)

4. Gunshy, horseshy, etc. Someone who is afraid of something, and therefore is slow to get close to it or use it. They're afraid of what will happen; they're afraid they might get hurt or they'll hurt someone else. Wary of it, giving it a wide berth. I know someone who is horseshy - she's terrified of horses and will not get near them.

5. Not at ease in the company of others. This sounds to me like either 3 or 4, maybe a mixture. Afraid of getting hurt, afraid of hurting others, suspicious of them, afraid of what might happen.

I hope it's clear that shyness, in general, is not good. It's a fear of man that disables you from existing properly with others. Being constantly suspicious of people doesn't follow the description of love in I Corinthians 13 - "[Charity] believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things." Being easily frightened away certainly doesn't follow the idea of Deuteronomy 31:6 - "Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, He it is that doth go with thee; He will not fail thee, nor forsake thee." The only thing we should be shy of is sin.

I've heard people refer to others as being shy who are reserved or quiet. Because they don't talk as much or don't share their opinions about everything in front of everyone. Because they're not really out-going or don't jump in to new situations. Because they take stock of things first. That's not how the dictionary defines shy. On the contrary, there are a multitude of verses in Proverbs that argue that those things are wise and prudent!

In fact, I don't know how you can ever say for sure that someone else is shy because it's the WHY of what they do that makes it so. If I keep my mouth shut because I'm thinking things through or because I think it's the best thing to do in a situation, there's nothing wrong with that. If, however, I'm not speaking because I'm afraid of others or what they might think of me, that's shy and that's wrong. Fear of men shouldn't come into the picture. But how does anyone but me KNOW why I'm not saying anything? They don't.

In conclusion, we should be careful what labels we place upon people - especially if we don't understand exactly what they mean. Lots of people use "reserved" and "shy" synonymously. They're not the same thing. An open, talkative, bubbly person could be the shyest person in a room full of introverted, reserved, thoughtful people.

Motivation and Prayer

2010-09-04T10:39:00.007-07:00

Staying motivated is not easily done. Trying to motivate self is often difficult enough without actually doing what it is you're trying to get yourself to do. (It can also get as convoluted as some of my sentences - especially when one starts arguing with oneself about the whithertos and wherefores. (Whyfors? It's been too long. . . .))

I have a secret weapon for it now though. It's called - Zack. ;) :) Anything I know I should do and I don't want to do, but I really do want to do because I know I should? "Zack, I need you to tell me to..." whatever. Usually, the "whatever" is working out. Pretty soon, he'll text me back and say, "You should do it. Do it for" X reasons. He doesn't ever argue the point - No, "Do you really need to?" - just does what I asked him to. And then I do what he asked me to. Hehe. :) I like our system. Can you tell?

Motivation for other things is harder to come by. Things that you know you should do, and because they're more important you don't want anyone to know that part of you doesn't want to do them. Things where you're sinning if you don't do them. Take prayer, for example. I want to pray. I want all the good things that happen when I pray. I want to do right. But praying is hard, so I also don't want to pray.

Really? I'm going to tell someone that I don't want to pray? It's a pride thing, to be sure. I want to look better than I am. I don't want people to think poorly of me. But that's exactly what family is for - not just blood relatives, but spiritual relatives. They're not their to prey on your faults, and they're not there to hammer home your insecurities about being open about such faults. They're there to understand that we all need help, we all need motivation, and we all need accountability.

So I have trouble praying, and this person has trouble reading the Bible. It's not my place to judge and say, "I can't believe they don't read the Bible every day!" That'd be really loving, right? Totally. (Please note the sarcasm.) Loving is helping them - not in a patronizing, "I'm holier than thou" way. It's my job to try to do something to help them, to keep them motivated. Maybe to talk to them about what I read and what God showed me from it - to get them engaged and excited about it. And maybe they can help me figure out how to be more excited about praying, to view it properly - as a privilege, not a command to be obeyed; as a joy and a treasure, being able to speak to the One I should love most.

Writing is one of my ways of motivating me. I have to think about things, revise what I've written, reword - all the time meditating about whatever I'm writing about. What do you do? Do you have ways to motivate yourself? Do you read about the topic? Do you write? Do you do the dishes and meditate? Are there people you can go to and be open with?

As an aside, the weather here is amazing. :) The temperature on the bank said 51 this morning. It's blustery, cloudy, a little rainy and overall wonderful. I would love it if it stayed like this till winter. I doubt it will though. Predictions? I'm thinking it's going to be a warm fall, probably in November, but I'm not ruling out October. I'm hoping to have snow in December - lots of it. And January, too, of course. =) That IS why I'm getting married in January - for the snow. (Also, it's a good month.)

I'm getting married in January. :) Hehehehehehe. So cool.

August Tears

2010-08-12T20:40:00.002-07:00

Hey. It's been a while, I know. Probably have lots to update, but I'm just going to go through the basics.

1. Church building and reception hall are confirmed.
2. Wedding dress is ordered and should be arriving sometime in December (hopefully, early in the month, but we'll see).
3. My honey is still the best guy for me.

I miss him really bad right now. I was watching this tear-jerker of a video about soldiers coming home and surprising their families. Not a good idea if I want to keep from dwelling on how much I miss him and how much distance is between us, and how long it's going to be before it's not just seeing him for a few weeks at a time. Five months can seem like a really long time. On the other hand, looking at it like, "I'm getting married in five months!" makes it seem much closer. Haha. (Always a silver lining.)

Anyway. I miss you, Love. August cannot go by fast enough. Hugs and kisses.

(Do written things count as public displays of affection? I don't think I know the rules about that stuff. . . .)

A song

2010-06-18T16:17:00.002-07:00

It's been VBS week, which means that I've pretty much had a bunch of little kid songs in my head most of it. One in particular had a tendency to get stuck (mostly because it was a new song, and those always end up going round and round). But tonight, something else came to mind. I can't remember what put it there, but it's here, and I'm happy because I like it. :) After looking for it online, I realized that it was probably one of those that got phased out, and not in any of the new hymnbooks. I thought I'd share. The title is "In Thee Do I Live" and these are the words:

All that I am or hope to be,
O Son of God, I owe to Thee,
For Thou has bought me; I am Thine
And by Thy mercy Thou art mine.

Chorus:
Thy mercy sought me, Thy love has bought me
Thy grace as taught me to believe
Then, in believing, Thy peace receiving
Now in Thee only do I live.

Thy blessed cross has sealed my peace,
Thy sorrows make my own to cease;
Thy power has cleansed me from all sin;
Thy presence keeps my conscience clean.

Thy cruel wounds my own have healed;
Thy broken heart my pardon sealed;
Thy death, O Christ, means life for me,
A life for all eternity.

Lately, I've been on the sidelines for a few issues between people, Christian people. I do what I can, try to give sound, godly advice, and be an encouragement and such. I end up wondering what things would be like if we'd all recognize that there is life ONLY in Christ. It seems to me that we forget too often. We're not behaving like we're alive when we act without God. Who wants to go back to being dead? Then why would we imitate it?

Anyway. Some thoughts that came to me brought on by a good song. :) I used to have a picture on my wall when I was little. It had a little girl playing a flute-type instrument and there was some kind of animal next to her (a bunny or squirrel or something). At any rate, it said, "The Lord puts a song in my heart." He certainly did today. :)

Wedding!!

2010-06-02T13:07:00.003-07:00

Okay, so. . . . It's in January - on the 29th, to be exact. :) I'm getting married in eight months. Ha! So cool. =)

Went to look at churches today. The idea of "church browsing" is kind of odd to me, but ah, well. Gotta get married somewhere. Then there's the question of, who all do I invite? I have the important people down - all the family and stuff. But. . . . Do I want people from school there? Do THEY want to be there? What about my internet friends that I've met all of once in my life? Maybe just an e-vite? lol I don't think any of them will come anyway though.

It'll be right at the beginning of the new school year. None of them would probably be able to make it. But . . . what if they could? What if they would? What if they actually wanted to? I can't see it. . . . . But I don't like being the one to stop trying. If other people don't want to try, that's their business. I like to try to keep my friends. The problem is, when exactly does a person stop being your friend? I don't know.

I hope all my family can make it. I really do.

I killed my foot somehow. I don't know what I did to it, but it's angry with me apparently. :( It's been objecting quite vehemently to being walked on today.

You know what would be totally awesome? To write a song and have other people really like it. . . . I think that would be like my "dream come true" type of thing as far as being some type of famous goes. . . . I was going to make a meaningful blog post the other day - some deeper things, but all my pizazz for it got lost in transition somewhere. Maybe I'll find it again. For now, it's good to be writing at all. :)

Here I Am

2010-04-22T23:18:00.002-07:00

It's been a good week. :) Tried to stay busy and overall, it's going well. I have a ring on my finger now. I like it and I like it there. :) Been reading a book by A. W. Tozer called "The Knowledge of the Holy." It's been very good. And it's been helping me not while away my time on nothing profitable. (I've also been reading Sherlock Holmes. I like it quite a bit, which I found rather surprising. I think it helps that I saw the movie first. I like having real voices to put with words.)

But anyway. I was bored one day after having watched an "end of the world" movie, and I started writing a bit in my notebook. Though at first it began as nothing, it started to morph - as is the way of it quite often with me - into the following:

Broken hearts and shattered minds. Tears and darkness everywhere. Death and destruction reign where justice abstains. When the world is dying, there is no restraint. There is no fear but for self. There is no care but for MY life, for MY continuance. Youth and age fall first, prey to that which is stronger. How full is the depravity of man! How endless his lack of control, his love of self! Remove the barriers of society, of peer pressure and expectations, of government and law - dispose of them and men become little more than beasts. Tell the world that the planet is going to be destroyed in six hours and see how they spend it.

Indulgence. Gross over-indulgence of all the pleasures that the world can offer while it lasts. Fornication, drunkenness, looting, rioting, revenge - what man will stand his post as an officer of the law when he has but six hours to live? Without bonds put upon them, men would show only too clearly how whole is their hatred of that which is good, that which is pure, that which is lovely. Truly, depravity is complete. Is there a word that could make Man's moral fiber appear any less putrid than it is? Is the reality of it not far worse than we can fathom?

Yet, from this state of destruction of self and others, God has drawn some. A precious few, His saints, He has made alive. He restores them to favor with Himself by taking their wickedness, all the iniquities of thought and deed, past, present, and future, and placing them on the Son, on the Pure and Perfect, Spotless Lamb of God. Beloved of the Father, decked in Holiness and Righteousness, He didn't just accept it - like a blanket of the blackest sort, corrupted and rancid, reeking of that which He despises, He draped it over Himself on the cross. And maintained it for hours. Having the power to remove it at any time, He held it close because of His endless love for those few that were His. And with His blood, our price was paid.

Not yet perfect, but having all the purity and righteousness of our Savior applied to us, we stand in the midst of the strong tides of wickedness. For us, the pull is too strong to resist. Made alive, we're now aware of it, but standing alone is not possible. We've been shown the river of the world and pulled over to the Rock of our Salvation, and now the battle begins. Our own fallen nature remains and tells us to cease fighting. Our peers and those for whom we care drift further and further away, while we stand.

Without the sustaining arms of Christ holding us to it, we'll only get pulled away into the darkness again, for we have not the strength to hold ourselves. There is naught to do but trust in Christ to hold us close. The tide is pulling, always pulling - it never gives up while we remain in this world, but the Rock is our anchor and Christ is the rope by which we're held to it. The closer we cling to the Rock, the less the world has of us to pull on. The more we listen to self, the farther we drift from our Shelter.

Self is a cunning foe. It tells us that we don't need to use all our concentration, just some, not all our strength. It tells us to let go with our legs; let them dangle freely in the current, let them feel how nice it is. Do we really need to grip so tightly? With all of our body? Why not just our arms? Surely, they're strong enough, and besides, we have the rope of Christ around us. How about with just one arm? That way the other can reach out to those passing by. Just your fingers - that's really all you need. But at each step, more of us is moved into the current, for it's no longer hiding in the cleft of the Rock. We're in danger of losing our grip entirely, and that is grave danger indeed. There, barely hanging on, we're exposed, and soon we will be wounded. Put your hand out and something will bite it, a person will break it, a stone will pelt it; it will be hurt, and the wise will recoil to the Rock, to safety.

In the Rock is warmth and light. Comfort and peace. The current is icy, so cold that it had numbed us. Black, so dark that we did not know what light was. But we have felt the light of God's love on our faces when He turned us to Himself and caused His face to shine. We have been awed with the veiled glory He has shown and so we have a deep, unquenchable desire to see and feel His presence again and forever. Heart, mind, body, soul, spirit - with all we are, with all He has made us to be, we earnestly desire and long to know Him, to see Him, to touch Him, to hear His voice, and, in loud praise and silent meditation, to glorify Him and His limitless excellent majesty. For we love Him and cannot cease.

Yet, for all this, we too often love Him not as we ought. Not fully or completely, not above all else, and we release our grip on the Rock, letting ourselves dangle in the tide of sin. What abundant idiocy! What depths of depravity. What terrible ingratitude! And how horrifying the power we give to that old nature when we ought to be resting in the grace of the God that pulled us out of the current to begin with.

Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer. From the end of the earth will I cry unto Thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the Rock that is higher than I. For Thou hast been a Shelter for me, and a strong Tower from the enemy. I will abide in Thy tabernacle for ever: I will trust in the covert of Thy wings. - Psalm 61:1-4

In with the new!

2010-04-12T17:32:00.004-07:00

But do we really need to get rid of the old? ;) I'm nostalgic. Almost everything is better remembered than experienced. I wonder if that's sad. . . . . Ah, well. Happy news today!

I have a new niece, two months old. (That's not the new news, but it is good news! =D) I have a new nephew, too. He's about twelve hours old. Hehe. They're both so cute. It's really cool. :) My brothers are Dads. . . . . . THAT is bizarre. And yet, only kind of. Haha.

Life seems to be moving kind of fast. It's happy and exciting, but there's a sense of apprehension. I usually prefer slow changes. With lots of time to adjust and think, pondering over every aspect I can imagine, making sure that I don't get blind-sided by something. (I don't NEED time; I get along pretty well if I can't have it or if the change is something entirely out of my control. But that's neither here nor there.) Don't get me wrong. Life isn't moving TOO fast; just faster than normal.

It takes time for me to get energized about most things. Especially when they have a direct impact on me. A person can tell me wonderful news, but I'll make sure that I really KNOW it's wonderful before I react pleasantly. Tends to make people think that I'm not happy about things, when really, it just takes me a minute to get there.

I don't like being disappointed - it's much easier not to get my hopes up; to make sure that I know exactly what people are telling me; to make sure that I'm not thinking that it's better than it is. I hate disappointing people, too, so I have a hard time building things up. No matter how great something is, I tend to downplay it so they won't get disappointed.

I don't think any of this was ever going anywhere. Just a bunch of useless info that most of you (if there are any of you left) don't care about.

Anyway. I miss my boyfriend. . . . . Don't laugh. It's true. Yes, we talk a lot on the phone. I wish we could talk more. Yes, we used up almost all my texts in only two weeks. I wish we could text all day, all the time, whenever we had a free minute. Like Mike and Tuesday did. Haha. I waited a long time for a boyfriend; I'd like to enjoy it. :)

Blogging

2010-03-24T10:18:00.003-07:00

Haven't had much to say lately. . . . As you ought to be able to surmise by the lack of posts, since we all know that I'm not lacking in time.

Been working on a story. That means I've been writing pieces of it, stuff that I doubt will ever actually go into it. I make up the best parts of my plots when I'm writing, not when I'm just thinking about it. Thus, in order to plan a book, I have to write the book. Doesn't work out so well when you're trying to actually get something down to stay, but it's fun all the same, which is the point for me.

I don't write for the hope of getting good enough to get published. (Or just popular enough. Take Twilight for an example. Bad writing = easy, easy, easy reading = totally popular with the teens.) I never thought that type of writing sold. It never made the cut with us. I'd say that I could write that well, but A) Where's the proof? and B) "Well?" Really? Writing as "well" as the Twilight series, like that's something to be proud of? I digress.

I read The Name of the Wind again. Felt like I could sit down and read it through as soon as I'd finished. If you take out the profanity, it's a good book. Good story, interesting characters (Bast is my favorite). There's so much to it. So much thought and time and effort. I don't have that kind of. . . dedication? Something. I want to read WarBreaker again. I really liked that book. Lightsong, or whatever his name was, was just great. And the sword. Can't think of it's name. . . . Actually, Lightsong is the only name I CAN remember. Hah. . . .

Going back out to CA in a little while - about three weeks. :) It's a long trip. Longest I've ever been on. People at home miss me. Funny, I don't remember them making half as big a deal out of it when I moved to school. . . . Maybe that's my memory, or the fact that it happened and was done. I didn't go, come back, go, come back, etc., etc.

People in CA want me to stay longer. They make comments (mostly the people at church who haven't seen me all week, hehe) "Didn't you just get here?" Sometimes, I feel like I'm in a video game trying to keep both sides of a scale even. Every time I boost one side, the other sinks. So I run to that one and push it up, only to find that doing so made the other one drop.

Conclusion? Popularity (or whatever this is) is difficult. Life is easier when no one cares if you're around. It's also more lonely. I'll take this and be happy. :)

Dum, da-da, dum!

2010-02-24T17:16:00.002-08:00

Well, here I am in California again. Have you ever thought about what weird names our states have? California? Michigan? I mean really, what is THAT? And city names. What's a Baltimore? Or a Lansing?

I really didn't start writing a blog to go on about what nonsense names are though. Then again, I didn't really start writing a blog for any reason. I just felt like it and had nothing to do at the moment. Zack should be home pretty soon and then we're going out for our anniversary. Yes, I know. . . . I never thought I would be one of THOSE people, but here I am celebrating the months of my anniversary. I'll probably do the whole "Happy birthday, kid, you're a week old today" thing too. . . . :P

It's weird being at someone else's house. . . especially when it's just you and your boyfriend's mom all day. . . . Slightly awkward. She's very unintrusive though.

Zack likes his birthday present. =) Crises adverted. Yay! (I think "crisis" is a much funner word than "crises." Anyone else?) I think he might be home - the dog is barking.

Nope.

Marley & Me is a horrible, sad movie. Yes, I cried, but I was in the company of many criers so I didn't feel as weird about it. lol I'm getting terribly soft in my old age. And boy, do I feel old today. . . . I need a hair-cut. . . . Oh, Mother Deeeeeeeeeeeeeearest. . . . ;) Teehee.

I'm bored. . . . . Everywhere I go, I'm bored. Ugh.

Movie Critic Review

2010-01-17T18:37:00.004-08:00

Contrary to what you might think from reading that title, this is not a review of movie critics. Be warned, this may very well contain some spoilers. I'm not sure yet as I haven't written it. . . . High Voltage: Proceed at your own risk.

Nanner, nanner.

So recently I've seen a few movies. Let's start with the oldest, which just happens to be the one I saw most recently. Terminator: Salvation. This movie came out sometime last May, I do believe. Christian Bale was in it amongst others, one of whom shared half of the main character status with Bale. Kyle Reese and Star, the little girl with him, were the best people in the movie, in my opinion. And the kid who played Reese was actually quite reminiscent of the guy in the original Terminator. I thought that was a nice touch. Stuck with the storyline; not many swear words; good effects; nice action. Over-all an entertaining film. The one problem was that the semi-main character, Marcus, reminded me of the Spiderman III Sandman in some ways. I'm not really even sure why. . . . But he did.

Next: Up!
Saw this movie in a theatre that contained a grand total of four people, including my boyfriend and I. This upped the enjoyment of the film substantially. (And the other two were a really cute old couple who absolutely loved it. But anyway.) The movie itself: It was good! Pixar delivered again. The beginning gets sad, but it doesn't last long and the following scene has you laughing again. I thought the timing was so incredibly perfect. The story is good; the main character is great; the giant bird that's like a mixture of every bird you can think of is hilarious and Doug, the dog, is less stupid than you think from the previews. Overall, I really, really, really liked this movie. But it's not better than robots falling in love, sorry. Wall-E is still the reigning champion.

Last, but not least: Sherlock Holmes.
Interesting movie. Had me worried at a couple spots about whether or not witchcraftiness was going to stand, and it's probably far more cool for someone who's read Sherlock Holmes stories and who will catch all the references. Thankfully, I had someone who had read them with me and he was able to point out all those things. The slow motion parts where Holmes does his fight sequences were a little too. . . . well, graphic. For my tastes. Seeing it faster was much better. The slow motion annoyed me, though I liked the idea of the voice-over as he thinks through exactly what he's going to do. In the end, a statisfactory mystery, good quick-witted dialogue, and vivid characters.

If you've read all this, you must be bored. Or have some type of emotional attachment to me. Possibly both. . . . Anyway. I enjoyed Up the most, I think, which is quite odd for me. Then Holmes, then Terminator. Although that could be as much a tribute to the effect of a good environment upon movie-watching as to the quality of the movies themselves. Thus, I say that my conclusion must be: Make sure to watch movies in uncrowded areas with your significant other, as comfortably as possible. You'll enjoy the movie more. =D

Up: **** 1/2*
Sherlock Holmes: ****
Terminator: ***

Maybe. . . . . ;)

Oh, and Happy New Year. :)

Well, it's done.

2009-12-27T16:44:00.004-08:00

Christmas is over; the goose is hung; the stockings are burnt; and everyone is sick from eating too much candy and sweets. (Or just plain too much food.) What am I talking about, you ask? I'm not entirely sure, but the previous describes pretty much how I feel about things.

It was good; shorter than most years, but okay. Usually Christmas lasts for like a week. Family Christmas and then going to Grandma's four times to see people. . . . Our Christmas and Grandma's Christmas are too far apart this year. lol Oh well. Whatcha gonna do?

Side note: Firefox accepts "gonna" as a real word. Strange, no?

Yesterday was our three month anniversary. :) "Our" refers to Zack and me, obviously. Seriously, how could you NOT know that? You're so whack, Ed. (Get it? /nudge, nudge /wink, wink)

I must be bored. . . . Lots of cleaning to do the next two weeks. My wookumshnookiepums is going to be here in twelve days. Hey! No wonder I was singing twelve days of Christmas this morning in the shower. . . . Ha. Just figured that one out. =D

. . . . Why am I telling you???

It would be really cool if Firefox recognized "wookumshnookiepums" as a real word. Just think about it for a minute - it would.

A note on Football: Tampa Bay beat the Saints??!?!? A 2-12 team beat a 13-1 team. . . . . Crazy. . . . Why can't that happen with the Lions? And the Colts lost today, too. . . . Now no one has a perfect record. . . . It's kind of sad.

Been a while.

2009-12-09T09:20:00.003-08:00

So my boyfriend has a blog. :) www.zshrout.blogspot.com

Mom and Dad are going out into a blizzard to get presents. I wasn't serious when I told them to do that. . . . Presents aren't worth getting stuck in a ditch. No, really, they're not. Seriously.

I've noticed something of late. . . . People don't take things that aren't real seriously. Like WoW. People would camp their best friend and expect no hard feelings because it's a game. Because it's not "real." They don't seem to realize that because they are really doing it, even though the venue is make-believe, it's still them doing something unpleasant to their friend.

Now, personally, I was never in the position to camp somebody's dead corpse. I wasn't big on the PvP. I only killed Horde if I really needed to. (Like they had attacked me first.) Generally, if we fought, I died. And I was okay with that. Random person playing on the enemy's side decides to kill me (or attempt to kill me), who cares? I don't know them; it's nothing personal. But had my brother, playing an undead rogue, decided to kill my druid Nienna a few times, knowing it was me - that I have a problem with. I don't understand why someone would do that.

Why do games release people from being nice? "It's just a game!" What does that even mean? It's not real, so my actions don't count? Say what? What you do is real; what you say it real. No, you're not really killing someone. But camping someone is really frustrating to the person being camped. It's meant to be. You are purposefully provoking someone else to anger for your own enjoyment. Lots of people consider that "going too far." But why is that the line? "It's a game, and the rules allow it." Oh, well then. The rules of the game are a higher law than "Be ye kind one to another"?. . . . There's a disconnect that I can't seem to grasp.

Some games are purposefully designed to spur this on. And I think that is why the vast majority of the time I dislike most games. I don't like killing people in WoW; I don't like sending people back to their home in Aggravation. I can't separate my actions in real life from actions in a game because the game is part of real life. I also know that most people don't see it like I do, and that if I say something about it, they think I'm a sore loser or that I'm not playing the game right. Worst of all, I'm not always consistent.

Sometimes, I give in to peer pressure - everyone's trying to stop one person from winning and I can do it. I don't really care if the person wins, but everyone else does. And then there's the whole "I don't know this person, so it's okay." See, I can see that. I can see blasting people you don't know out of the water when they're on the opposite side. (I'm wondering if I shouldn't. Why should it make a difference if I know them or not?) But not when you're playing a game that doesn't require it and especially when you know those people. Certain activities (airsoft and nerf wars, for example) require you to shoot the opposing team. I've no problem with that. That IS the game. But when it's unnecessary, then I don't get it. And I specifically don't get why knowing someone is another excuse for it. It seems to me that the more you care about a person, the less you would put them down. By whatever means, in whatever venue.

Anyway. This is longer than I had intended. . . . Actally, I hadn't planned to write any of this. But lo, I have. And now it's off to the library for me and Kate. :)

La la la

2009-11-21T10:54:00.003-08:00

I have a splitting headache and I feel like my eyes should be falling out of my head. lol Not feeling the greatest in any way really. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Some are okay, some are meh, some are just downright ugh.

You know the song Fame And Fortune from Rudolph? He and Hermie sing it. . . . Anyway, whenever I'm in particular physical discomfort, I substitute the words "Pain; Discomfort" for "Fame and Fortune." And then it goes round and round in my head. Probably not good for the headache.

Mike's hilarious. People are silly. I think he'll have a Joss Whedon type o' deal. Write a show that gets cancelled after one season (half a season?) and then make a gazillion dollars on the movie sequel - not because of theatres, but because of DVD sales. The power of devoted fans. ;)

I know this guy who wrote a book. I bought the book because I knew the guy and thought it was cool. The book needed editing. Badly. The name of one of the characters changed to something else (accidentally) and then changed back without any type of explanation. An editing mistake. Anyway, he wrote another book. Do you not say anything? Surely, someone had to tell him that it needed to be edited, right? But really, who wants to chance it and spend the 20-30 dollars on the next book? Is it politeness or lack of caring about the person that keeps you from saying something about it? Hmm. Do you just hope he gets better at it?

Dave - sorry I haven't gotten back to you yet. I haven't forgotten or anything.

Anyway. I think I need to exit the computer now before my brain explodes. ;)

This week

2009-11-11T17:47:00.003-08:00

Is busy and strange and for some reason, it has this weird foreboding feeling to it. I'm not a fan. Of the foreboding feeling. Strange and busy is fine. I think. . . . Maybe it isn't but I just don't want to admit it because that would mean I'm lazy. I don't want to be lazy.

I was asked to sing a song for the Christmas program at church. . . . What to do. I probably should. . . . Not really part of my established comfort zone though. lol And what do I do about accompaniment?! Hey, hey, Mike. =D You know you want a piece of the action. ;) I'll make you cookies? lol Mom? Someone? Please?

(I'd ask Kate, but she's already in the program and will most likely be otherwise busy with lines and costumes. The people who are already doing stuff shouldn't be made to do more stuff. Right? Right.)

I had a bunch of things I was going to write about the other day that now I cannot recall. I wonder if "pregnancy brain" is something I can catch without being pregnant. . . . lol Hmm.

Revelation: I just realized where I get my OCD-ness. lol "Could you get a more uneven number!?" Teehee. :) Mom, you're so cute.

There's this Llama song - very funny. Llama, llama, duck. (If you don't know it, check YouTube.) Have you ever noticed how non-rhyming songs lose their coolness if you just read the lyrics and don't know the tune? It's just completely . . . . Meh. . . . lol I have noticed that recently.

Special Thanks to Mike and Tuesday for breaking their writer's strike and coming back to us. =) I missed you.

A Moral Issue?

2009-10-28T10:12:00.002-07:00

The question is as follows: Is it morally wrong to use a version other than the King James Bible?

I find such a proposition impossible. If it were, how many people would we know who are in constant sin? How many on Dad's side of the family use the NIV? What of the Haitians who only have the equivalent of the NIV in their language? Are they doomed because of it?

If it were morally wrong, they could never be right with God. But we know that God doesn't allow His children to remain in unconfessed sin. So either they're not saved, or it's not wrong. I can't believe that Heidi is a Christian and also believe that it's morally wrong to use the NIV over the KJV. Thus, I find it impossible to believe that this is a moral issue.

What, then, is it? A matter of personal preference? A matter of what's best? I don't know how to classify it. If it can't be morally wrong to read the NIV, can it be morally right to read the KJV? Is the person who holds to the KJV automatically a better Christian because of it? Is it impossible to find, by the Holy Spirit's leading, the same theology in the English Standard as you'd find in the King James? Dare we limit Him so, to think that He cannot teach us just as much from one version or another? Or is it that we think He just won't? But why, if it isn't right or wong?

Perhaps, you never thought it was wrong. Perhaps, you still do. For me, I cannot condemn it.

Confusion in the ranks!

2009-10-26T12:55:00.003-07:00

Apparently there were some questions about why I would write such a thing about deception in my previous blog post. Basically, because it's true and it was on my mind. I was in no way condoning such action; just stating facts. All cleared up now? ;)

There were a lot of things I was supposed to do, a lot of things I was supposed to talk to people about, a lot of . . . stuff that I was hoping to get done last weekend. . . . lol Yeah. Family get-togethers are not very conducive to productivity. ;) Ah well. Such is the nature of socializing.

I'm hungry. I think my stomach got used to "feasting" mode. . . . Silly tummy. Feasts are for kids!

I don't like this in-between weather. It's not cold enough to need long-sleeves, but it's not warm enough that you're fine in short-sleeves. Booooooo. Oh, also, Steelers? Boooooooo! And a HISS for good measure. ;) Bleh, Ben Rothlisburger. Bleeeeh. (I hope I butchered his ridiculous last name. ;) Haha.)

I'm not at school anymore! =D YAY!

I thought that deserved a little bit of celebration. :) You know what else deserves joyousness? One-month anniversaries. :) How fun. Teehee. :)

It's almost over!

2009-10-21T19:43:00.002-07:00

October, that is. :) Yay! I generally prefer October to November, but not this year. Probably not next year either. . . . Hmm. We shall see.

I am poor. No, really. I'm broke. . . . No monies. My car insurance is due soon. I can't pay it. I'm going to go put an application in at the local Burger King. I didn't go there earlier this week because they seem to never be hiring and my brother worked there and gained my family an unhappy reputation with one of the higher ups. But now there's a sign out, so it's definitely worth a shot. :)

Deception is an easy thing. Making up a story and sticking to it and not getting it confused with the facts is really not as hard as TV makes it look. You just have to think it through before implementing it. Ask all the questions yourself before anyone else has the chance. Iron out the kinks.

I have no idea what kind of food Burger King serves. . . . Whoppers. . . . And delicious breakfast sandwiches. . . . Do they even have any chicken??

I keep debating with myself if I should put controversial things on here. And obviously, I keep not doing it. It's not that I'm a chicken. (At least, that's not the only reason. . . .) I just don't know if I could do it well enough without writing a fourteen-page post. And I'm not good at those; I get side-tracked far too easily.

In closing, have a quote that's been on my Facebook for two or three days: Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans fires.

There's a lady bug flying around, bumping into my ceiling. . . . Shh, little Lady Bug! Shh!

Christmas in October?

2009-10-09T15:22:00.002-07:00

I've been in a very Christmas-y mood today. It's cold and rainy and if it were only snowing, I would be thrilled. lol Listening to Celtic Woman: A Christmas Celebration isn't helping any, but hey. . . . I like Christmas. And Christmas music is rather emotionally charged. It's nice now and then. :)

My boyfriend gave me an iPod. :)

Unrelatedly, Apple is too complicated. lol ;) Not really. I think my computer has problems though. lol It kept arguing with me. Getting rebellious in it's old age. *tsk, tsk*

So I was working on this duet for two of my piano students. It took quite a while - lots of thought and time and figuring it all out. And now I really doubt it's going to work out. lol Ah, well. I tried, and shall continue to try. Maybe I can make it simpler. . . .

You know what's a weird feeling? Realizing that everything you wanted in general is happening with very sharp details that are nothing like you could have ever expected. It's quite bewildering. It's like saying, "I wish I had a car," and six years later a shiny, red convertible rolls into your driveway for no apparent reason. Lots of things go through your head (all completely monotone because of the shock). "Where did this come from? . . . . Cool, a CD player. . . . I was thinking green. . . . Convertibles aren't much use in the winter. . . . Oo, leather seats. . . ." etc. etc.

Truly, deeply loathing. . . .

2009-10-03T10:10:00.003-07:00

Private joke there, sorry for most of you. lol

So I'm home from California. It's nice to be home - I like my room and my bed and Michigan. And I also miss being there. Not that I miss CA, mind you - I don't. It's hot and crowded. Also, expensive. Though not for me. . . . Hm. I went to CA for six days and it cost me all of eight dollars . . . . That seems very wrong to me. . . . But anyway.

I miss Zack. And all the random quoting of bizarre things that we did. That was fun. =) And someone around here needs to buy the game "Munchkin." lol

I'm getting the need to write. I'm not sure if it's because I've been reading, or because of the new experiences of last week. But still. I'm getting jittery - I need to write something soon.

So. . . . I should go clean my room. It's been a bit disaster-esque since I've been home. lol

It is Fall-ish here. :) I love Michigan. Pretty falling leaves. =)

One hundred thirty-two souls

2009-09-23T18:58:00.002-07:00

Er, posts. . . . Not souls. 132 posts.

So. . . . Forty-three hours. lol One word sums it up: CRAZY! *SB voice: Weirded out!* ;)

I like listening to Josh Groban sing in other languages. In English? Not so much generally. There are a few. . . . Vincent is good. But mostly, just foreign languages. Like Per Te. I like singing that one. Mi Mancherai is nice, too. Very nice violin part. I like it.

My cousin has a rendition of "Just As I Am" that I really would like. I heard it maybe three times out at school, so it's been a while, but lately this one part keeps popping into my head, and I really like it. . . . I should ask her about it.

I think I've gotten over Michael Bubbly. He was fun for a little while, but eh. Gershwin shall never leave me though. Summertime and the livin' is easy. ;) Thanks, Mom. :)

Blackmore's Night is really good though. Ocean Gypsy is one of my favorite songs now. Thanks for that, Mike. :)

I love and hate nostalgia. . . . I love remembering the old days. I love having them to remember. But I hate it too. . . . I hate that they're gone. I hate the idea of never having that again. Perhaps "hate" is the wrong word. . . . It makes my heart sad. I miss it an awful lot.

So I think I'm finally ready to let go of TCS. . . . My message boards. Not truly mine, and yet they were. So many good memories. . . . So many good things have come from that. So many good friends. Viva la Corellian Sector.

Countdown: 9

2009-09-16T09:56:00.005-07:00

Nine days till I'm in Minneapolis! And from there to San Fransisco. And I think I will wear some flowers in my hair. ;) (Brownie points if you know the reference. Mike, Mom, Tuesday - you can't play. lol)

Finding Nemo has a lot of fun random quotes. I like fun random quotes. "It's possible, pig." Hehehe. Ah, movies.

So today is it! This is the time - it's perfect. It's chilly and the leaves are beginning to change and it's mid-September, after Labor Day. Again, I say, it is perfect. The perfect weather. The perfect timing. The perfect day - to wear boots! =D The only question is. . . . Which ones? Black? White? Red? Short? Tall? Ah, the possibilities. =) Boots. Everything looks better in boots. Puss in Boots. Mario in a boot. Froggy Mario in a boot? You just can't get away from it. Boots are awesome.

I have to go shopping sometime in the next eight days. lol My vehicle is being used for better purposes right now though. Oh and Dave, your money is coming. Haven't gotten to the bank since I got paid, but soon! :)

Two new piano students starting in October. . . . Don't know what to do about that. lol I'm happy for the money. But I've no idea what I'm doing. How do you teach someone to read when you only get to work with them for half an hour a week? Reading music and reading words are quite similar things. You read this letter and you make this sound. You read this note and you make this sound. Kids don't learn how to read books with only half an hour a week. . . . Oh, well. It must be possible. People have done it. lol

Well, I didn't have much to say today, but I felt like talking anyway. lol Deal with it. ;)

Time.

2009-09-13T12:27:00.004-07:00

I wrote this yesterday (Saturday) morning. I posted it on Facebook, but it wouldn't let me tag people so that seemed a little pointless. Anyway. It's morbid - you've been warned.

Seconds ticking by, I hear them
Minutes passing by my head
Hours, I've lost so many of them
So few left before I'm dead

Life is only just beginning
Just the start of what I crave
Waited such a long time for it
Far too soon, it's Death I'll brave

In the harsh of coldest winter
In the heat of mid-summer's eve
Time goes marching ever onward
Passing through like sand in sieve

Working, resting, crying, laughing
Always time to contemplate
Time to think and wonder - waiting
How quick I move to meet my fate

There he stands; I see him clearly
Better than I'd hoped he'd be
There we stand; he holds me dearly
As I share what doctors see

Such a moving of emotions
Such a groan from him is torn
How my heart is breaking for him
How, for him, my death I mourn

My beloved is my only -
Only thought and only care
How I pray he moves on quickly
E'en as now, at Death, I stare

Seconds ticking by, I hear them
Minutes passing by my head
Hours, I've lost so many of them
Not one left before I'm dead

Life was only just beginning
Just the start of what I'd craved
Waited such a long time for it
Last exhale - it's Death I've braved.

"I'm havin' a thought 'ere, Barbossa."

2009-09-09T07:17:00.003-07:00

There really is nothing you can change when the difficulty level of Life rises. Unless you were doing something wrong before. But if you were doing right, there's not a thing you can differently to make it easier. . . . You can't stop. You can't go back. There's only one option and it's the same option you had before life got harder. Move forward; do right.

I'm not sure if that is encouraging or discouraging. . . . Probably depends on your point of view, eh? Yeah. . . .

Time seems to have moved very quickly the past couple of days. . . . Does not feel like Wednesday already. Although yesterday felt entirely too much like a Thursday. . . . Maybe that's why today feels not like a Wednesday. . . Oh well.

Texting is expensive. lol I should go job hunting this afternoon. Where to hunt though. . . . That is the question. Maybe I should move to Midland. . . . Matt and Ashlie would probably let me crash on their floor for a little while if I did find a job - just till I could get an apartment, that is. Hm.

Well, I didn't have much to say, but I've been wanting to blog for a while, so there you have it. /pokes all the other blogging peoples - Your turn now. ;)

KJV - Only?

2009-08-22T18:20:00.002-07:00

I'm in the midst of a very important decision. And I have a feeling that it's going to take quite a while to get through it. I know where I would like to end up, but I don't know that that is what's best.

Since meeting Zack I've been spiritually challenged about things that had never before been an issue for me. (Some a lot more important than others.) Rock music. Church attire. Bible interpretation. And obviously, the question of "Which version??" It's been good; difficult and trying; stretching and testing; emotionally draining; and I felt so mentally exercised I couldn't think any more. It's been a long time since I've felt like that. It was good like sore muscles are good. He's made good points; I've made good points (a few). We've made each other think. It's good but it's hard.

There's a reoccurring problem that I see within the Van Kleeck family when we argue. It's always This or That. It's as if we can't ever see another option. And so often, there is, in fact, another option. For example, the lying argument. So many times I heard "So you're not going to lie? You're just going to turn them in? You're going to say, 'Here they are'?" No. . . . Just because I'm not going to lie doesn't mean that I have to say where they are. How does one equate to the other??

I'm beginning to wonder if that doesn't apply to the version issue. Now, don't worry. I'm not making any leaps and bounds here. I'm trying to be slow and thoughtful and careful, and it was just something that popped into my head while thinking. I haven't studied anything nearly enough to make any decisions (thus, why I said it's going to take a while). It was just something that occurred to me and I'm wondering.

I'm thinking about blogging about the music argument at some point. I don't like feeling like people think I've been duped when in fact, I came to a conclussion after a discussion that spanned a couple months. I didn't meet a guy and morph to his whims. I couldn't do that - not about right and wrong. I would hope that my own family knows me better than that. . . . But maybe they don't. And if they don't, it's probably my own fault. :/

How much do you trust someone else's judgment? When a good friend introduces you to one of their friends, how cautious are you? If the new person told you something that seemed rather unlikely, do you trust them for the sake of your friend? Or do you take it as if you had met the person without your friend's recommendation? Do you assess their character just like you would any new person? Or do you take into account that your friend has some level of trust for them?

I wonder about strange things. lol

Change

2009-08-17T09:28:00.003-07:00

It's an interesting topic. A paradox. Change is constantly occurring, and yet if it stopped, that would be a change. It's inevitable, unstoppable, hoped for, dreaded. We heard all about the need for change during the previous presidential campaign. It doesn't matter if you need or think you need it - change comes. Sometimes it plods along slowly like an old work horse; sometimes it blasts through like a fighter jet breaking the sound barrier and leaves your ears ringing.

The funny part is when a person steps away from their friend and expects the friend to stay exactly how they are at the moment until the person can return. Things change that they can't imagine and they come back and are shocked. I find it amusing, whether watching my reactions or the reactions of other people. It's bizarre that we are so self-concerned we don't realize that other people are changing every second whether or not we're around to behold it. The tree that falls in the forest without anyone to see it still fell.

Change is powerful. It can hurt; it can bring euphoria. It can disappoint; it can awe. And it can even do all these things at once.

The idea of change is good. Without it, we couldn't grow, couldn't think. We'd be forever stuck in an everlasting moment of nothing. Which would obviously be awful in a number of ways. Change is also just as subject to our wicked imaginations as every other amoral thing, which brings about people worrying about change. But the worrying is often a change for the worse in itself.

The way change comes is not predictable. All we know is that it's coming, not how, not when, in some ways, we don't even know why. We know it's coming; we know it's of God's plan; we know that He'll work it for good. But if we knew the rest, what would life be? I wrote once that I wished we were born with a walkthrough attached to help us get through life. A script to obey. I've changed my mind. ;) The lack of details are what make life . . . fun. The change is what makes it interesting. You think you're going one way and then, "Oh look. A brick wall. Huh." Didn't stop King David. So he couldn't build the temple. He prepared. He needed to do something. He needed to keep moving forward.

Yesterday's messages were great. They made me. . . . spiritually thirsty. I don't think they'd have had even close to the same impact a month ago. . . . Why? Change.

What do you do when change comes and one person sees it as good and another sees it as bad? When what one person considers progress is what another person considers deterioration? Do you hide it? Avoid it? Do you attempt to explain? Change is frightening. It's hard to try to prove that something that someone is afraid of really isn't a bad thing. (Like Beauty and the Beast - Gaston holds up the mirror and they see the Beast looking what appears to be ferocious and vicious when he's really just in mourning. Belle knows better. What happens? She attempts to explain and they lock her up and try to kill the Beast.) It's not easy to change the minds of fearful people. It's not easy to let go of fear of something that looks so obviously terrifying even when someone you trust is telling you it's okay.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

2009-08-11T13:30:00.001-07:00

That was a squeal of excitement in case you weren't sure. =D I bought my ticket to California. =) Don't worry - I bought one to come home, too. lol It's exciting. After seven years, I finally get to meet Robin. . . lol ;) 'Bout time.

It's weird. . . Being twenty suddenly seems not that old. /shrug

But anyway. Here I am again at 2:30am. . . After lying in bed for nearly two hours without even getting tired, I've had enough. lol My dad told me this would happen. He said of sleeping in, "Enjoy it while it lasts!" Well, I did, but it didn't last very long. ;) lol

I don't know what to do. . . . I suppose I could clean my room a bit again. . . . It could use it. I need to dust. lol I hate dusting. . . . Maybe that'll be my task for tomorrow - clean room. I'll probably get sick of it before I get to the dusting part. lol That's what usually happens. ;)

I don't really have anything to blog about. . . . :P /shrug At least other people have started up again. :) Yay!

This day

2009-08-04T09:23:00.003-07:00

Today in 1862 the first income tax was collected. One hundred years later, Jamaica gained independence from Britain. :) Yay, Jamaica! :)

Where did I find those interesting facts? I'd rather not tell because then you would already know them and they would no longer be interesting facts. . . . Is that selfish? Hmm. Fine, it's an add-on on igoogle. "Today in History."

Another fun add-on is the World Clock. :) London, Spain, Tokyo. Most any major city you can think of. =) Neat thing.

Useless Knowledge is a good one too. Random facts are fun! They make good conversation filler. It's like saying "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" but without the mess of actually saying that enormous and meaningless word. :)

I put out some applications yesterday. I know, I know - it's about time. I need a job. Don't want one, but I need one. Maybe. I suppose if I don't get one, then I won't have needed one. . . . lol /shrug

It's getting hot again. August always tends to be our hottest month. Or so it seems to me. . . . My perception could be off though.

A note (or eight)

2009-07-29T23:00:00.004-07:00

This seems the easiest and quickest way to explain to everyone who cares: Zack isn't coming in August. Work scheduling problems. We didn't have a fight or something.

Reading books that were written for a purpose is hard if the purpose doesn't apply to you. If the writer is writing in order to correct some misconception he once had, but I don't share the same misconception, I find it terribly difficult to stay interested. Thus, reading John Piper's "Desiring God" is not coming along very well.

Sleep is a wonderful thing; I'm thankful for it. Every now and again, no sleeping makes things interesting though. And it provides a good time to clean one's room. :) Although it's hard to clean/organize/rearrange some things quietly. . . . Heh heh.

I've noticed that I dislike it when people unknowingly copy other people when they're completely different types of people. It makes me second-guess all my carefully constructed categories of said people. . . . lol

It's 2am. Logic says I should be tired. The majority of my body isn't very logical. My eyes, however. . . .

Tonight was mostly good. Today was weird. . . . But tonight was mostly good. Church was great. It generally is. :)

Mike stopped blogging again. . . . *tsk, tsk* So did other friends: Aaron, Evan, and Sam. :P

In closing, Ups and Downs come suddenly and often one after the other. So enjoy every minute of tranquility where you're just moving Straight. And never swim off the coast of Maryland.

Thursday, my Thursday!

2009-07-23T14:51:00.003-07:00

Thursdays were, once upon a time, my favorite day of the week. If a week could be described as a day, I think it would look like this: Mondays are the beginning of the day - sometimes good, sometimes bad, and they set the tune for the rest of it. Tuesdays have always been Meh, that in-between time of mid-morning. Wednesdays were too busy - coming back to school/work after a lunch break and there's so much to do; afternoon. Thursdays were the beginning of the end - the evening of the week. Friday is Midnight - not very novel by itself but combined with the right catalyst - a great deal of fun. Saturday is the wee hours of the morning - time to sleep, or on rare occasions, go none-stop and have a blast.

You may notice that Sunday isn't in there. (If you didn't, learn to be observant. ;)) That's because Sunday has always felt like it's not part of the week. It's its own thing. Sundays make up their own year, a year of church and escape from work and school and, most importantly, the world.

I slept eleven hours last night. Why? I've no clue. Maybe I'm sick and my body is trying to fight it off but I don't know that I'm sick yet. . . . . Hmmm. Maybe, if it's something minor, I won't ever actually feel sick because of all the extra sleep.

I started writing this blog yesterday, in case you were wondering. People interupted me. :)

Summer wind

2009-07-17T08:24:00.002-07:00

It doesn't look much like a summer day to me. It's cloudy and kind of dark and rainy-ish looking. Looks like it's going to be a wonderful day. =) Michigan has a lot of clouds. I like them.

So, some of you may remember that at the beginning of the year, I said something about trying to read the NT 15 times this year. I made a schedule to follow and everything with about thirty extra days. It's hard to read twelve plus chapters of the Bible on holidays. It's going well thus far. I think I've actually gotten ahead. (At the beginning, I had to read an average of 11.5 chapters a day, now it's a little less than 10.) The interesting part is that I think this is why I don't have a job. lol

It's true though. Because if I had a job, I really doubt I'd have the determination to spend the required amount of time reading when I suddenly had so much less time in general. A saddening fact of my spiritual life, to be sure. It bothers me immensely. And yet, the fact that I've (through God's grace) been able to stick with it this long is huge to me. It's incredible what it does for your mental process when you just read the Word for 30 minutes to an hour a day.

I started this because I was unhappy with my level of familiarity with the NT. I couldn't have told you where well-known verses were. All I knew about I Corinthians was that it had the communion passage and the verse about being the temple of the Holy Ghost. It was awful. And while I think and hope that I have a better hold on what's in which book, that hasn't been the point of my reading for quite some time now. I've gotten so used to it, that if I don't spend that much time, it feels awkward. If I read a chapter or two of Colossians rather than the book, it feels incomplete. Besides the fact that it's only four chapters! It takes what? Ten minutes?

All my life I've heard, "You don't have to read a lot for devotions. You can just read a few verses, maybe only one." And yes, it's true. But the things we miss because we don't just read. You just sit down and read a normal book, and when you come to something that you have to think about, then you pause and think about it. You mull it over for a day and then start reading again. To be sure the Bible has so much more to offer so there's much more to stop and think about. But still. . . How often do young people who've been saved just end up reading a verse before they go to bed at night in order to satisfy their conscience? I did that for a long time (well, I read a chapter. . . But the Psalms are really short). I was told it was okay.

I'm afraid for the end of the year to come because I don't know what to do next, and I don't want to go back. I want to keep moving forward. I want to do better.

Oh snaps.

2009-07-12T13:37:00.003-07:00

I said something stupid yesterday. It's bothering me. But I don't know if saying anything else will help it, or if it's one of those things that should just be left alone because it's forgotten faster that way. . . . Bleh. . . . I'm very bad at knowingly taking risks. . . .

I've found that taking naps lowers my body temperature dramatically. lol But it also makes my head feel funny. . . .

I have a very precise internal clock. I just can't see it. ;)

Fellowship potluck tonight after church. Mom's bringing egg-salad sandwiches. They'll probably be the only real food there. . . There will be lots of sugary things and probably some fruit. And Mom's sandwiches. As a result, they're always a big hit. Plus, they're just good. =)

Church this morning was interesting. I don't know that Pastor has ever taken an entire message in order to review. Granted, he went over like two years' worth of messages, but still. . . . It was interesting. Hm.

There are two kinds of people in the world - those who are looking for someone who is willing join them in their activities and those who are looking for someone who is willing to give up their activities.

Friday

2009-07-10T16:09:00.002-07:00

Well, today is John Calvin's 500th birthday. You know what that means? Yep. It's the second annual "Hug a Calvinist" Day. :) I've yet to actually do so though. :P I forgot till just now actually. Haha. I've been telling everybody about it for like a month and then I go and forget. Yeah, that's the way it works.

Equilibrium is a good movie, but it has an awful lot of loop-holes. Too many to try to fix even. It's not like you can get around them. And it's sad. The sad part is that he kills a bunch of people over a dog. . . . Don't get me wrong, I like puppies as much as the next person, but that's a very sad miscalculation of the worth of things. At least the next time he fights the guys, he doesn't kill them.

John Preston is a cool character. But his name is John. There are a lot of main good guys with the name of John. John McClaine. John Rambo. Arnold Schwartzhisface played a few, too, I think. It's a very popular name for good guys. . . . I don't particularly like it myself though. John. It's one of those names that's just alright. /shrug

I'm really glad for things that auto-save. Haha. I just lost my whole post but Blogger saves them periodically, so it's all good. ;)

Some people have the hardest time watching movies. They just can't stand to find out what happens on their own. I try not to do that.

Happy John Calvin's birthday!

Departures

2009-07-09T07:00:00.003-07:00

Dave and Kaylynn are leaving today. They're going back to Florida. :( I have to drive them to the airport. :( :(
lol ;) j/k I'm more sad about them leaving. /sigh I suppose that is the way of it though. Life is full of comings and goings.

I had strange dreams last night. These bad guys were trying to find Dave and Kaylynn and I was like Michael Weston and getting them out of all kinds of trouble. And there were good police guys around, too, but they weren't really on our side, because we were kind of neutral. The weirdest part is that the soccer coach from college was the guy in charge of the good FBI-ish guys. lol So weird. . . lol And at one point, we went to this place that only exists in a video game. . . . D&K were safe there, but they didn't stay there. (So I had to save them again. Hehe. :)) Anyway, I was really cool in that dream, taking care of people and saving the day. . . There was a different one before it where I was, I think, sorta the damsel in distress, but I can't remember it now. :(

It's really easy to get used to nice things. Good things that happen every day - you just get accustomed to them. And then if there's a lapse and it doesn't happen one day, you keep looking for it. . . . Wondering what happened. Where did it go?

I think there's going to be a week of, "Where's Dave? Where's Kaylynn?" lol

I'll have to con Mike into coming over more. lol "Who wants a cookie?" ;)

Don't let me forget to do piano lessons early today.

Did you know...

2009-07-06T07:46:00.004-07:00

- Last night was the full moon? It was pretty. Well, maybe it wasn't completely full, but it was close enough to be beautiful. My current calendar doesn't have the phases of the moon on it. . . It's not a very good calendar. It has cats on it. . . :P

- Yesterday was four things at once? Two birthdays in the family, an anniversary, and communion Sunday all rolled into one. Crazy!

- Stupid things can be funny? It's true. You just have to find your specific brand of Stupid. Some people like it all, but they tend to be stupid themselves. . . .

- Burn Notice is new this week? It's true. I know it's confusing because it's summer and then last week they didn't show a new one, but I'm here to keep you all informed. Burn Notice - Thursday nights at nine. (EST)

- Random quotes are so much fun? "Do you know. . . .who I am?" "Watch out for the Oomu!" "Narshlobs coming in from above!"

- There are no current good cartoons? They all stink. They're so bad, I can't even watch them to figure out just how bad they are. You start watching and you actually feel your IQ slipping as your brain turns to mush . . . .

- I need some new music? I need a new soundtrack or something. My stores of music have been memorized and I need a new dozen songs to listen to. (Just to clarify, "need" does not mean "need" here. It's used loosely, like when people go through DT and say, "I need fourteen double cheeseburgers." It simply expresses a desire for something that is stronger than "Yeah, that'd be neat.")

- My cousin is running for Congress? He is! It's so great. =D I hope he wins. lol I think I'd like to go help on Saturday, but it's kind of scary. I have the pitch down pretty well from listening to Aunt Anette, but I've never actually been door-to-door. I think I could do it though. . . .

Christmas anywhere without snow seems an impossibility to me. . . . . Hmm.

It's a Beautiful Morning!

2009-06-29T16:17:00.002-07:00

Not really. It's the evening now. But it has been a pretty good day.

I'm on my mom's new laptop at the moment. Shh. Don't tell her. I didn't ask before she left if I could get on. ;) I would like a laptop. They have a specifc feel to them. A nice feel.

Dungeon Master is a fun game if you cheat at it. Hahaha. I used to never write "haha." I thought it sounded weird. I use it a lot more now and "hehe" a lot less. . . . . It probably means something. I'm not sure what though, so I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. :P

People are watching Street Fighter mini-movies. They're . . . . strange. ;) We should just watch Advent Chidren if we want to see cool fight scenes. lol

The weather has been really nice lately. No sun today. I was happy. I do like the sun somewhat now, but too much of it can get annoying. It just gets really warm, ya know?

I have nothing to write about these days. . . /shrug Maybe I'll go play more Dungeon Master. . . ;)

Another day, another week

2009-06-16T08:27:00.002-07:00

Another month, another year - time keeps on a-going.

I have blue toenails right now. I like them blue, and it's a good blue. Kind of unique. Why should you care, you ask? You shouldn't really; I'm just setting the mood for the rest of the blog.

Dave and Kaylynn left today. Bleh. It looks like it's going to be a beautiful day though. Swimming anyone?

I'm playing the piano at the West Michigan Tea Party on July 4th. I'm kind of excited about it. I'm hoping that the day is nice, but not oppressively hot. Sweltering heat is not fun. . . I wonder what I should wear. . . I want to look nice, but not over-dressed. Comfortable, but snazzy. ;) lol I don't think I've ever looked snazzy in my life. . . Haha.

Mom cut my hair yesterday. I really like it. Well, I really like the one side of it, and the other, like usual, is annoying. The right side of my hair is never very nice-looking. I tried to fix it, but it didn't really help, 'cause the problem wasn't the hair-cut - it was my hair. lol

Piano lessons went okay today. I was happy. We took up all the time and I think they're learning, which is good. And they practice, which is a very important thing. lol It's very nice to have a bit of money again. . . Even if it's all going to go to my brother to pay for my phone. At least I get to keep my phone. =)

VBS is this week. We're only doing three days this summer, which I think is an enormous plus. lol I'm playing the piano for that, too. I like playing the piano for things. It makes me feel useful and it's something I know I can do. I'm quite thankful for being able to play and having people who were willing to teach/pay for me to be taught. Parents are blessed things, you know that?

I think I'm going to go for another bike ride today. I can't decide when I should go though. . . Hmmm. . . . I'm thinking sooner.

Jeff-fa-fa!

2009-06-13T15:16:00.002-07:00

I sat down to write. And had nothing to say. And then I made a spelling error. Thankfully, my trusty shadow (AKA, little sister) caught it before I made a complete and utter fool of myself by publishing my post with a grammatical mistake!!! (Notice the extra exclamation points, which show just how much I do not mean what I'm writing. Yes, I'm like that.)

Read a book recently. Warbreaker. Good book. Lots of cool characters. Good plot. Liked the writing style. You should read it. If you heard it here first, I'll be shocked, but hey. It could happen. (She caught another one. She's like my personal spell-checker. I'm, oh, so blessed, aren't I?)

I've been working on a particular story since coming home from college. I don't really have anything else to say about it. It's just been on my mind because I can't seem to make much progress lately. Frustrations abound. Well. . . sorta. Yes, sorta. I know it's not a real word. :P But honestly, what makes a word real? It definitely has a specific connotation.

I've lost contact with most of my friends. It happened quite a while ago. I find it interesting that so long as I don't have any sort of friendly contact with people that I miss them an awful lot less than if I have a little. If I only get a little, I miss them way too much than is comfortable.

I'm like a seventh wheel around here. . . Or would it be ninth? /shrug Guess it depends on who's around, eh? Indeed. Good answer, smarty-pants.

Have you ever wondered what terrible things feel like? Like, say, getting shot? Not that you want to get shot, but just an idle curiosity of what that experience is like. It's like that conversation we had such a long time ago. If you get beheaded, how long does it take for you to actually die? Are you aware of stuff? Can you move your face muscles? I have a lot of curiosity.

My brother calls me morbid. Every now and then I decide to play the part. ;)

Blogs

2009-06-08T16:54:00.002-07:00

I don't think anyone reads this any more. . . . Maybe Sam? /shrug Actually, no one else blogs any more. 'Cept Uncle Matt. Occasionally.

My brother got married ten-ish days ago. It was lovely. The ceremony went off without a hitch. I was able to hold it together until we walked out, though I got teary-eyed when Pastor was reading Scripture: "A three-fold cord is not easily broken." That one always hits me because we were three for so long. Sometimes I feel like it was put there just for my encouragment.

I'm glad Dave and Kaylynn are here. If they weren't, I'm afraid of how empty the house would feel. Truth be told, I'm afraid of how empty it's going to feel when they leave.

Joe (cousin) is getting married this weekend. My parents and Kaylynn are flying down to Florida to be there for it. That'll only be the second wedding I've missed, I think. This weekend is going to be quiet. . . Thursday, especially. Maybe Mike will come over for a bit. . . . with his family, of course. Silly people. :P

I start teaching piano lessons this Wednesday. I've no idea what I'm doing, so if anyone happens to read this and happens to think about it later, I'd appreciate some prayers. I've only taught my sister, and she already had a pretty solid foundation. I just picked up where her previous teacher left off. I don't know how to start from the beginning - I don't remember learning it.

I have a dilemma. Not really a dilemma so much as a situation to which I can see no solution, no real answer. Despite how much it impacts me, no one else knows any of the specifics. Despite me putting this in my blog, I'm probably not going to explain it to anyone anytime soon. lol (Most likely because no one reads my blog so it won't come up.)

Do you ever write a bunch of stuff in a blog or an email and then reread it and take half of it out? I do that constantly. Constantly rewriting, rewording. I edit my stories - stories that I have no intention of letting anyone else ever see - multiple times. I wonder if that falls under OCD. . . .

I got a lead on a job today. New jobs terrify me. Really. There are few things I fear more than stepping into a new job. Generally, I don't fear the unknown. I can shrug it off and trust myself to Providence. Jobs, I have trouble with.

A few days ago I was thinking, "I wish I knew that this was going to happen - it'd make it so much easier to be patient then." Ah, such a silly thought. "...Hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for? But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it."

The Countdown Continues!

2009-05-20T13:38:00.002-07:00

When I was fourteen-ish I had this feeling that my brothers were going to get married and move away and I would be alone. It was a terrible feeling and it has never gone away, though the intensity of my reaction has certainly decreased a lot. In ten days, my fears will have been realized. TEN DAYS!! . . . . Oy vey.

I think Dad is trying to bring the house down. . . Literally. . . Feels kinda like an earthquake. lol

I want to go to California. Not for the sun, nor the beaches, nor the ocean. Not for the tan people, nor Hollywood, nor the glamor. I want to experience an earthquake. Also, it'd be cool to see Robin. :)

There have been a lot of people walking by our house lately. Generally, they annoy me because they're noisy, or I just ignore them. This year, I've taken up watching them. OH! So the other day was our big town garbage day (you can put out anything - like couches - and they'll take it away) and these two guys started going through our stuff, and the one guy looked like Luke Danes from Gilmore Girls. He had the blue cap on backwards and a beard and was about the same build (little heavier), and his clothing style was the same. I looked out my window and was like, "Luke Danes is going through our garbage!!" Luke is more handsome though.

Went swimming today. =) Made me happy. I've been looking forward to it for a couple months now. It's pretty much the only redeeming quality of summer - being able to go swimming.

Repetition

2009-05-11T10:35:00.003-07:00

Okay, I know I just blogged about Dune, but really, the topic deserves another visit. Mostly because I just cannot get over how much I enjoy reading Mr. Frank Herbert's writing style. It's so. . . . Well, I really love it. And I've noticed that that's what makes or breaks a book for me. Writing style. It's not the story itself, nor even the characters that makes something interesting - it's the way you tell the story and talk about the characters. I can't stand Charles Dickens. I like his stories just fine, but his writing is dull.

This is why I say I enjoyed the written LotR story better than the movies, but I've only read them once, and I've watched the movies an extraordinary amount of times. Tolkien's writing style for LotR was not enough to lure me back to the books, whereas The Sil was written in a different tone and I did end up reading it again.

But enough about that.

I've been working on a story that I started soon after getting home from school. I read Dave's Name of the Wind and got this idea. Which I promptly began working on. I did quite a bit of writing, one of my larger projects, and then tapered off and started something else. I didn't have enough structure. Then I read Dune, and now I've been working on it again. As a consequence, it started in first person, which I really enjoy. But now I realize that it's not good enough. First person is both too limiting and too revealing. Now though, I have a problem. Because I could move into omniscient over-seer, which is what I generally use. Or I could change it to historian-type teacher. (Which is how Dune is written.) I'm thinking the second. For one, because I like it so much. Two, I haven't done it much. Three, it ends up being the only authority on the topic anyway, thus it has some of the same connotations as the omniscient approach. The biggest problem is that I don't know if I could do it justice. Not that any of it matters right now, as I have an awful lot of plot to get nailed down and set in order first.

I love writing. :) Stories are like puzzles that you have to figure out and fit together. If you do it right, the words end up painting a beautiful and unique picture.

Oh thnikaman. . .

2009-05-06T09:25:00.002-07:00

It's May. . . Argh.

There's a lot of stuff going on this month. Mother's Day. Wedding. Another wedding. Mom's birthday. Yeah. . . Lots of stuff.

We set up our new pool today. It's filling as I type this. I hope it's as much fun as last year's was. I loved the pool. I went swimming almost every day after work. Good times.

Burn Notice comes back in less than a month. I'm sooooooooooooo happy. =D Everything else is ending now. And then we're pretty busy for the rest of the month and then Burn Notice is back. I take back what I said before about them being stupid and not coming back till the end of June. They have wonderful timing. AND! It has an earlier time-slot now. Oh yeah.

The BBC version of Pride and Prejudice is interesting. Darcy seemed like a totally different character but Elizabeth is almost exactly the same, only happier than Kiera Knightley's portrayal. (The majority of me doesn't care if I spelled her name wrong.) By the way, the library here has no Jane Austen books. How weird is that? And the card catalogue has been moved behind the check-out counter. . . Does that make sense?

I'm reading Dune Messiah now. I don't know if I want to. . . . But the writing style is so enticingly unique, I doubt I will be able to ignore it.

In a month, Mike will be married and moved out, Dave & Kaylynn will be moved in for their visit, Laura will no longer be in High School, and summer will be here. Kate'll be done with school; Burn Notice will be back on TV. What will I be up to? /shrug I certainly don't know. . .

Ah, fantasy fiction!

2009-04-23T20:01:00.003-07:00

How I do enjoy it. =)

What's the difference between fantasy fiction and science fiction? SciFi makes me think of space ships and fantasy of magic. But I'm never certain with these things. . .

Finished another of those Dragonlance books. Raistlin was so the best character through the whole thing. Tasslehoff was second-best. The almost-ending was the best part and the actual ending was the worst, in my opinion, aside for that bit about Raistlin and the tower. I'm not one for the sappy goodbyes - like the end of Lord of the Rings. . . It just doesn't sit well with me when best friends go their separate ways and no matter if they're all cool with it. I'm not. . . Perhaps an indication of how dear I hold my friends. I would hate to have to let go of any of them so long as we're all living. (Slightly odd, seeing as I haven't been able to spend much time in the presence of most of my closest friends.)

But on to the reason for this post: Dune! The writing style was dry but quick. Almost toneless, like most old books are, but there was always so much happening that it couldn't be considered boring, and never too much description. Concise and always moving forward - there were no pauses. It was intriguing and hard to read every word because I wanted to skip through, to find the important things, but whenever I did, I found that I'd missed something. Someone had died. Some important insight had been made. I'd missed something and everything had importance. (Very much unlike WoT where you could skip whole pages.) And then you find yourself wanting the strange abilities of the people in the book - the Bene Gesserit who notice everything and can read people's motives by their tone and body language. Like Sean from Pysch - this isn't magic. This is talent and how cool would it be to be so talented?

Then, of course, there is the mystical element, the one that makes the hero the Hero. That makes him stand out from all the others. Wheel of Time drew something from Dune. There are females of power in Dune and then a young man comes along with a greater power. It's like that in WoT too. I perferred Dune. The females were actually smart in Dune, some of them almost admirable. Definitely meddling and thinking themselves better than others, but less snooty. And of course, my favorite character of the book, Alia, the hero's sister. She's quite awesome, though she's only in the last third of the book and not much at that. And she's only about four. Still my favorite character. Her and Duncan Idaho. Paul was cool, but it took too long for him to become it. Alia was sweet as soon as she entered the scene.

I really liked the little snipets of information between sections. Those were very cool. And they gave good information in a very unique tone.

Anyway. I enjoyed it quite a bit, and I think I'm going to get the next one, though I'm not sure if I should yet. . . I've been doing a lot of reading (Dune in two days) and should probably use my new-found venues of imagination, rather than crowd them over with yet more ideas.

Less than two hours

2009-04-06T19:56:00.003-07:00

In less than two hours, I will no longer be a teenager. I will have passed into the life of twenties. (Not the 1920's.)

My uncle died in his twenties. . . Twenty-six, actually. I've thought for quite some time that 26 is a good age. He would have been thirty-two this year, I do believe. Six years can seem like a long time in ways. In others, it seems like it was just yesterday with a night full of dreams in between.

I have very detailed dreams. They used to get me into trouble because I wouldn't remember them upon waking up, but later they would come to mind like old memories. It took me a while to realize how to differentiate between the two. Sometimes I had to ask people if it ever happened. And they would look at me like I was crazy. Hehe.

It's been very windy today, and the wind is blowing my curtains out a little right now. Snow on any holiday seems to make it better. I think it's because of the anticipation of Christmas. There's just something about seeing fresh snow on the ground when you wake up in the morning. Yes, I'm hoping to wake up to fresh snow tomorrow. Although, I hope the roads stay good for my dad and brother. Mike has to work all night tonight. I'm going to miss him a lot when he gets married and moves out. . . :(

I'm very tired. But I really like my book, and I want to keep reading it. It's a Dungeons and Dragons book, Mike said. I never would have thought of it that way if he hadn't said anything. It's fantasy, like LotR or SW or WoT. I wouldn't have looked at the book and thought, "Oh, a DnD book!" I read through more than half of it, and there were plenty of dungeons and dragons and it never occurred to me. Who's going to point out those obvious things when he moves out? Who's going to Wikipedia my books and figure out the ending and tell it to me before I'm there? Hehehe. =)

You know, loneliness and homesickness are very similar feelings. . . Completely different reasoning for them, with completely different desires behind them, but the types of feelings are similar.

For reals this time?

2009-03-27T15:27:00.002-07:00

I think so. But maybe not. . . It's hard to be sure.

Japanese is a really pretty language. If I could make an attempt to learn another language, I'd choose Japanese.

I've been writing a lot lately, but I keep writing different things, so I'm not really making any progress. At least it keeps me occupied.

C. S. Lewis is annoying. He has an interesting writing style, but really. . . He's just annoying. I'm reading Perelandra and I can hardly stand it. I can only read so much of it at a time. Nonetheless, I'm finishing the book. I think I'm finally to the last chapter. (There were only seventeen, and it took me like three weeks. . . An indication of how much I dislike the book.)

I can hear Robin Hood the Fox playing in the next room. . . It seems to be one of everyone's favorite cartoon movies, aside from me. But I don't care for most Disney movies at all, so I suppose it would be in the top five of it's genre. Does anyone care about this? Probably not. It has good songs.

I don't really want to go back to school. . . Maybe if I get a job, then I will. lol Suppose I'd better get a job.

Sonnet

2009-03-19T20:01:00.004-07:00

A friend of mine and I were conversing the other day and he mentioned that I should try to write a sonnet. So, this is my sad, sad attempt at it. I hope that at least I got the mechanics of it right. . .

A maiden fair and light, she free did roam
Through forest green and water blue she'd dance.
A mighty knight he wandered far from home
Through friend and foe, he battled with his lance
Beside the shores of Taerkos she did rest
Where stars and moon do send to earth their light
Beside the falls of Taerkos he did quest
Where form the cliff great dragon-lords took flight
The dragons saw the maiden as she went
And in their grasp her life would soon be lost
The knight did follow hard upon their scent
And for her life he fought at high a cost
Upon his side forever now he bears
A scar, the proof of love, for whom he cares.

It's awful. . . I know. lol I liked it at the beginning. And then the end happened and it was like, MY EYES!!!!! ;) Hehehehe.
Happy first day of Spring tomorrow. =)

Just can't decide

2009-03-17T12:29:00.003-07:00

Happy St. Patrick's Day. =D And happy birthday to cousin Emily. :)

So I was all ready to go get a job. I was mentally prepared to go job hunting. I was physically prepared, wearing nice clothes with my hair and make-up just so. And then stuff happened, and I was stuck at home. And now I don't want a job again. I find I have a deeply rooted love for being home, for being around my family, and a natural aversion to going back into the world for 40 hours a week, spending all those hours amongst people who have no desire to know anything about God, who ignore Him every day of their lives.

I've been reading the Bible a lot this year. Much more than probably ever before in my life, even more than last semester when I read the entire OT. Because that was speed-reading for a class. This is normal reading, reading because I choose to, because I have a desire to be more familiar with the Scriptures. I don't want to lose that because of work. . . but I don't know, if I had so much less free time, if I'd be able to keep it up. :/ I don't know if I've grown that much.

And then there's the whole, I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want to go back to work. But should I want to? I have a debt that I need to pay and I need money to do it. Why doesn't that bother me like it should, like it used to? I used to despise the thought of debt. I still don't like it, but it's not weighing on me like I feel like it should. Why?? Am I flippant? Am I too dependent on Dad to pay it for me? I don't want him to have to do that. I want to pay it.

Actually. . . I want to work. I do. I just don't want to work for them, out there. I want a house to run and kids to train and teach. I want to do something lasting, something important. Not serve the senior citizens their coffee just so. . . Sigh. I don't know. . . I really don't. . .

Come What May

2009-03-11T12:52:00.003-07:00

Parts of this post will not make sense to anyone but myself.

So I think it's time. /nod Yes, definitely time.

I feel mostly back to my normal self, which is good. I didn't there for a while. I felt like someone else, someone too thoughtless, too impulsive. I think a lot again, and other things have come back, too. Good things. I missed them. Although, being sporadic did have some fun moments, it wasn't worth it. Calculating is better for me. I regret saying things I shouldn't more than I regret not saying things I wanted to. Hah.

Dave thinks it takes a half hour a day to memorize Scripture. I think he's nuts. lol He's lost his marbles. At least for those of us who've grown up memorizing and hearing Scripture, it doesn't take nearly that long, unless you're going for like three chapters in a week or something. Ten minutes a day, you could probably memorize a semi-familiar passage of twenty verses in about a week. Actually, probably about five days. . . Seriously. It's not that hard to memorize something you've heard throughout your life. But that's NT. OT, aside from Psalms, would probably be a lot more difficult.

It got quite cold last night. Windy. I could feel it while I was sleeping. When the wind blows hard, it shakes my bed. But then the sun came out today, which I did not expect. That was cool. If it'd been warmer, I probably would have made use of the trampoline. Wind and warm temps on the trampoline. . . Aaaah. :) Alas, it hasn't warmed up. It's going to be a chilly one tonight.

Come what may. . . .

To what is the world coming??

2009-03-05T20:12:00.004-08:00

WARNING: The following is a rant about the recently shown season finale of the TV show, Burn Notice. It is overly dramatic and rather emotional. It is strongly recommended you not read it aloud if you have nearby neighbors.

Michael Weston just killed a Daniel Jackson!!!! ARGH! :'( Way to end the season on a terrible note, Burn Notice!

It was a great episode, absolutely one of the best. And then the end happened. . . And rather than keep up his totally awesome, can-get-out-of-anything-cause-he's-that-cool image, what did my favorite current TV character do? He killed Daniel. . . :( I don't know if he's still my favorite TV character. . . . My bubble of happiness with that TV show just got popped. Can you blame me though?? He killed DANIEL!!!

. . . . I just thought of a really funny analogy for which my brother would mock me mercilessly if I used it. lol You'll just have to take my word for it. . . . Back to regular programming.

So yeah. . . No more new Burn Notice till June. Probably late June, too, 'cause they're mean like that. Mean people behind the scenes of Burn Notice. . . *sigh* I liked Daniel as a crazy man. . . I liked it better when they were working together. That was awesomeness. . . . Michael should have saved him. He was his client. Bleh. . . . And what was up with him leaving his sunglasses?? Are they trying to completely ruin his image?? Well, it's working! What'll happen next? He'll start taking clients and not be able to do the jobs? He'll run out of spy advice? All because he shot Daniel Jackson. Fiona should slap him again.

And then blow up whoever had the "great idea" of that ending. Seriously, they could have killed him fourteen other ways that didn't involve it being Michael's direct fault. But noooooooooooo! Slap them all with trout.

March the First

2009-03-01T20:33:00.005-08:00

On the first day of Ma-arch, my true love gave to me. . . .

Nothin', I don't know who he is yet. :)

Today was awesome. It was just good. Aside from being a sinful human being, I mean. That part stunk as usual, but today, we got to go to church. :) Today, I learned a new song. And today was a good hair day. :) Also, Mom made pumpkin pie.

I love church. I love my pastor. I love that our church is growing. It's so cool. :) God is good. And to be feared. (Pastor started a new series. It's great! =D)

So there's a need for a Sunday School teacher at my church for the really little kids. . . My brother seems convinced I should do it. My mom and dad haven't been very expressive of their thoughts on the matter, but they both seem to think I should do it, too. To be blunt, I don't want to. A few reasons:
1) Being the center of attention for more than two people at a time, no matter what their ages, is uncomfortable and a little scary. I'm more of a one-on-one person.
2) Of all the age groups of children, pre-schoolers freak me out most. Which is not to say I don't like kids or anything. I do. I'm just of the opinion that parents should each take care of their own kid. . . . I'm kind of against Sunday School. . . Not because it's bad, but because it removes the responsibility of the kids from the parents, and I'm against that.
3) I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to teach. Unless I'm going to be home-schooling my kids, in which case, I'm thrilled to keep the responsibility of my kids' education.
4) I don't know how to teach a Sunday School class for little kids. I don't remember learning anything in Sunday School until I was like ten, and at that point, I don't even know if kids should be in SS. . . Really, what's the cut off age and why? Because from twelve to thirteen kids suddenly develop a greater understanding of the Bible and are now able to sit in the adult class? Or is it at eighteen when they're considered legal adults? It's like the fabled "Age of Accountability" (which is as much balogna as the Fountain of Youth). But I've digressed. . .

Unfortunately, despite all these things, I keep wondering if I should. I believe that if you're doing what's right and doing your best to follow the will of God, your desires will be His desires. Which is why the psalmist can write, "Delight thyself also in the LORD; and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart." What I can't figure out. . . is whether or not I can trust that I'm walking in close enough communion with the Lord for my desires in this area to be God's desires. Does the fact that I don't want to teach mean that I'm not the one who should be teaching? Or does the fact that I keep wondering about it mean that I'm supposed to? What's my motive behind not wanting to teach? . . . I don't know. . . It seems very. . . undesirable to teach a class of small children.

/sigh It would be cool if when we were born, we had a walkthrough attached for our specific life, telling us what exactly to do and how to do it. It would take out the adventure part of it a bit, but you don't HAVE to read the walkthrough. . .

I would read it. Wouldn't you read it?

Guess what!

2009-02-27T16:46:00.003-08:00

You got it. It's Friday AGAIN!! Time seems to be passing very quickly as of late. Which is weird 'cause yesterday took seemingly forever. . . . It felt like three days, no joke. But I was tired yesterday.

So people have started blogging again. Well, some of them. Makes me feel like I should. Unfortunately, I have no readers. lol Also, I have very little to say. . . (Maybe that's why I have no readers?). . . I need a good book. But I would probably read it in a day, and then I'd be right back to where I am now.

Bleh.

Sometimes I like being unpopular. People don't pay attention to you that way.
Sometimes I hate being unpopular. People don't pay attention to you that way.
Hehehehe. I think I'm close to having a split-personality. =)

My brother tells me I'm emo. I'm not. They never smile and paint teardrops on their faces with make-up. I don't do that. In fact, I wear very little make-up. . . Also, they always wear black. He wears just about as much black as I do. Besides, it's a good color.

All my female friends are always very willing to talk to me, but my guy friends are always just kinda "oh, hey". I'm wondering if that's why I prefer talking to the guys, or if I just like guys that much better. . . . lol I'd always assumed it was the latter. But maybe it's a mixture of the two.

A poem I wrote just now
For me to recall how
I wrote a poem today.
That's all I have to say.

/shrug

What is today?

2009-02-20T09:43:00.002-08:00

Oh yeah. It's Friday. February 20th, and it is 45 minutes after noon, if you want to know.
Not sure why you would, but whatever.

I've been thinking lately. I've reached the point in my life where I want a house to decorate, and yes, clean. I want the responsibility of a family. But I was thinking about all the stuff I wanted, all the things that would be nice to have, that would make living easier. And I realized something. Living easier is not living happier. Easy doesn't mean more fun. It doesn't mean better.

Then, while I was thinking about what does make life happy, what does make it better, (living for God) is actually better accomplished the less you have. The less you have, the more you realize your dependence on Him. And if God gives you lots, why keep it? Isn't it better to give it to missionaries? To the church? To someone in your church who's having trouble? Part of me still wants a big house with beautiful things and lots of land around with horses and dogs and bunnies. Part of me wants an easy life.

More and more of me is wanting a better life. The more I think about it, treasure here or treasure in Heaven, how could I not want less and less here? Life is short. Maybe shorter than we think. In one hundred years, we'll all be dead, except maybe a couple of the babies. It's worth the wait. It's worth the "hardships." More importantly, it's what God wants from us. We're so caught up with the cares of this world and we don't even know it. What's the good of stuff? When you have enough, why spend money on nicer stuff, when you can spend it on something that'll last forever?

The sun will come out tomorrow.

2009-02-17T10:00:00.004-08:00

Actually, the sun is shining today and was out yesterday too.

My brother is getting married at the end of May. I'm the Maid of Honor in the wedding. I was very excited to be asked, kinda surprised, but very happy. I'm realizing now that I don't have the slightest idea what I'm doing. . . And that half the duties that are generally the maid of honor's have been done by my brother or my mom. . . Makes me feel entirely undeserving. My brother said that maybe my mom should be the maid of honor. Even though it probably won't change (and I don't want it to change), I'm thinking maybe he had a good idea. . . . :/

I have a pretty boring life right now. If not for downloading a bunch of old Sierra "quest" games, I probably would have gone crazy.

Boring lives make for short blog posts. . .

'Ello, mon.

2009-02-02T09:37:00.002-08:00

Was it not the coolest thing when Sean told Gus to say it again in a Jamaican accent and Gus did?? I wish I could speak Jamaican. . . That's like my favorite part of Meet Joe Black too. When he's talking to the lady in Jamaican.

I need a book. Or a job. Or a friend. Or . . . something. I don't know. Maybe I need nothing and it's all in my head. Maybe I'm in the Matrix, and seeing as I have no hacking skills, I'm stuck. Hmm. . . . Nah.

I'm thinking about selling my Twilight books. "But Elicia!" you say, "You just bought them!" I know. . . But that's because I'm extremely curious and I like getting lost in a fun story. Especially when it has good vampires. But now I have no money, and I'm probably not going to read them again. They're in nearly perfect condition. . . So, why not? I could probably get something for them. . . Maybe even break even. Or close to it.

Sledding is tons of fun. . . I love winter activities. Skiing, sledding, ice-skating. =D I'm a winter person. I even kind of like shoveling. . . /shrug Go figure.

Oh, it wasn't the coolest thing, by the way. Michael Weston is the coolest thing. Hahahahaha! In your face, mi hermano. (That's you, Mmsbhs. Teehee!)

Well, I should probably go write. I have this story I'm working on. The world is at least semi-original. It was fun to make up at any rate. :)

I remember now.

2009-01-27T19:50:00.003-08:00

I really want a friend. . . A good friend who lives nearby, who likes to hang out with me and with whom I can do things with. . . Preferably a guy with a group of friends with whom I can fit in, thereby keeping things from being awkward. Because I gotta tell ya, as much as I love home (and I do, I really do), I have no friends here. I have family. At school, I have friends but no family. Why is it so difficult for both to exist in the same location?

Don't get me wrong, I love my family. But family is different.

/sigh That mood of happiness I wrote about last night died during the course of today. I don't know where it went, but in its place came a very familiar feeling of solitude. . . Maybe the happiness will come back after I sleep. I feel tired for some reason. . . Maybe it'll come back after I read the Bible in a few minutes.

Should be doing. . .

2009-01-26T21:10:00.002-08:00

I should be sleeping. Or reading. Or doing something other than sitting at my computer. But I'm not. . .

I'm not tired. Probably because I sleep in as long as I want/need to every day. Ah, the life of unemployment. I should be getting a job, and yet I don't feel any pressure to do so. I can't decide if it's a type of laziness (though I've been trying very hard to stay busy and help out at home) or if it's just knowing that God's in control of when I find a job and which job I find. /shrug I probably should have gone out looking today though. . .

Been playing a lot of Hero's Quest lately. Great old Atari game. I have the original one too, not the redone one that doesn't look right. The only sad part is that the sound doesn't work. :( Very sad because it had good music. Like most old games. And even some new ones.

I've been happy lately. Happier over a longer period of time than I've been in. . . maybe ever. . . It's not just a happy feeling. It's just. . . /shrug I don't know. It's nice. :) I'm relatively certain it's because I've been spending more time reading the Bible. I'm trying to read the NT fifteen times this year. That's 4050 chapters in 365 days, about eleven chapters a day. Very doable. Especially without a job or school. Heh. It's been going pretty well so far.

Politics seems to be all people are talking about lately. Or at least, the most of what people are talking about. I can't decide if it's a good thing or a bad thing that I don't care. Really. . . Why spend all your time thinking about what Obama is going to do, or is trying to do, or what the banks are doing and what you think people should be doing? The verse starts with "Fear God" then it says "Honor the king." Think about God first, then think about the government. Do we spend more time thinking about the banks and the stock market and the economy and all that stuff than we do about God and Who He is? Maybe not. But I do know that the economy and the state of our country is spoken of more.

But to what extent should I be detatched? It seems wise to be at least somewhat informed of what's going on in the country. I mean, there's nothing wrong with knowing what's happening. And yet, I don't care. Apathy comes easy to me in this area. Heh.

Frigid Air

2009-01-16T12:57:00.005-08:00

It's cold. Really cold. And when your bedroom has no vent to let in the warm air, and your windows don't work so well at keeping the cold out to begin with, there isn't much you can do about it, but not spend time in your room. Less time in your room = less time on your ancient desktop computer = less blogging. ;)

In other news, I still don't have a job and I'm not in school, so life has slowed down a bit. (another reason for no updates.) Yet I find I'm entirely happy, and actually not bored at all. If I run out of things to do, I can always write or read Romans. (Been doing a lot of both lately.) The breaks on my car went out shortly after the New Year, I think. My dad fixed it for now, and then his truck died. So it's kind of a good thing that I haven't found a job, else one of us wouldn't have a way to get there and it would be a hassle.

Have you ever wanted to know what it's like to be poor? Have you ever wanted to be in the circumstances of people like Moody, that you have to be completely dependent on God, because you have nothing else? I have. I've wanted to be the missionary wife who has no money, and four kids and a husband to feed. The person who prays all day every day, because unless God provides, there is no food. Unless God gives money, there are no shoes for the kids, or clothes for that little boy who's just growing too fast. It's a terrifying thought if you think about it humanly. Terrifying and idiotic to actually want that. And yet, in another way. . . it's really cool. Because you get to see God's hand even clearer, every day. :) And you get to see just how many of the things we think of as necessities are really luxuries when it comes down to it. Just how much can we do without?

It's an exciting thought. :)

I would just like to point out that it was requested that I blog and I have done so in a timely fashion. lol Unlike some people. . .

Christmas

2009-01-03T10:43:00.003-08:00

I know it's been past Christmas for a bit now, but I was reading someone's blog and a question came to my attention. What is Christmas? Is it a day? Is it a time of year? We, as Christians, know what's it's "really about", but what IS it? Christmas is obviously a time to remember the incarnation of the Lord, but honestly, is there a time when you're in church, hearing a good sermon that you're not aware of that event? Is there a day when you don't think about your salvation and know it's because Christ was born, lived, and died for you? So what is Christmas?

To me, Christmas is amazing. Christmas is. . . so incredibly wonderful. It wasn't always, but lately, it has been. Christmas is Christmas because of family. And Christmas is Christmas because most of my mom's side of the family comes home. Home to Michigan. Home to a little house in the middle of a snow-covered corn field across the driveway from the house where my great-grandparents lived.

It's a little morbid but my grandma brought up the buying of grave plots in the cemetery where my great grandparents and my grandpa and my uncle are buried. Along with probably a bunch of other relatives that I'm not even aware of. It's home in life - it's home in death, in a way. I want to be buried there. I don't know if I will. I may very well give that up one day, but that little farm in Michigan will always be home on the earth. Because that's where family is.

And it wouldn't be Christmas without a theological discussion. =D How I love our theological discussions! Whether or not you say a word, to sit and listen to greater minds debate the minute details of faith and the Bible and to see how they draw their way of thinking from a Biblical basis. Whether it's a debate, or just building on other people's thoughts. Whether it's a heated argument where people have to raise their voices to shouting in order to be heard, or a quiet conversation between two people about the practical application of Scriptural principles in their life during some hardship. It doesn't matter. I love my family because we can all gather together and talk about our God in a way I've never experienced anywhere else, nor do I know of anyone outside of our family who has anything similarly wonderful. It is awing and beyond description of beauty and blessing. And I know that there are others in my family who feel the same way. =) So it's not just me being whacked. =D

Poetry

2008-12-28T21:43:00.003-08:00

I started thinking in poetry lines this morning during church, as it happens occasionally. The subjects of my poems are often spiritual, so it seems to fit. Usually it's just a few lines or so, but this time I just kept going. My mind was in the right groove, I guess. Anyway, I started working on it tonight again, and I ended up with a page of poetry and I felt like posting it. So, here it is. I think I may end up adding more to it at some point. It seems. . . . unfinished. Too vague.

Chief of Sinners

The chief of sinners! that is me
The chief of sinners, now I see.
My heart is black, so dark with sin
My eyes are blind - can't see within
My ears so dull drown all else out
No more my conscience, seared, does shout
Twas all shoved back out of my way
For self I lived from day to day
Without a care but for my life
No thoughts to spare for others' strife
More terrible still, I see it clear,
No words of God would I dare hear
I shunned the thought and banned all talk
Of Christ and God and righteous walk
And then one day, I heard to me
Something none other could foresee
Only God in His matchless grace
Would think to save me from the race
To death - the road I'd tread before
Now by His love, I tread no more.
When He called, I could but obey
I knew He was the only way
His voice so quiet, strong and firm
My heart did change! Now I do yearn
To find Him - He Who ope'd my eyes
To have Him, love Him - greatest prize.
And now as His beloved child,
I find within Him nothing mild.
His pow'r and glory have no end
And at His side I'll stand a friend.
A friend of God! How can it be?
What glory is this gift to me?
To think that one day I shall see
My God - with Him to ever be.